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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 5, 2015 9:21am-9:53am PST

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dov davidoff. thank you for listening. god bless. good night! captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services www.mccaption.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers a captioning sponsored by comedy central nd applause ) >> jon: hey! welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. it's a really special night tonight, a really special night. the great chris rock is going to be joining us. ( cheers and applause ). before we get to that as you
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know as we've discussed on this program on numerous occasions, america, america we've been having a bit of a bad week-- month-- epoch. ( laughter ) but you know who's been having a pretty good week-- totalitarian regimes. take, what do you call it, north korea. as you know, they or some mercenary computer hackers, a nerd team 6 ful broke bocomputers at sony pictures in retaliation for the upcoming movie "the interview," while apparently leaving sony completely alone for after earth. that makes no sense. for god's sake you have the most charismatic star in the world in will smith. he's stuck in a bubble can't go anywhere. meanwhile, ( bleep ) is flying around in a magic squirrel suit. the whole thing. and the bad guys can only see you if they smell fear. guess what? it's a visual medium.
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what are we talking about? apparently, the threatened exposure of more e-mails didn't slow sony down in their vilnius plot to release a comedy. so the hackers went to plan "b." >> the theaters that show sony's new comedy can the view will face 9/11-style attacks. >> jon: first of all, when did 9/11 become a style of attack? ( laughter ) "we heard you were interested in attacking something. we've assembled a pintrest page. tell me what style of attack you'd like. maybe a 9/11 maybe a dresden." the point is you are ( bleep ) now, buddy. you stepped in it. 9/11 is our magic strength. it's our spinach. it reminds us, we don't give in, we never give up, we don't back down. >> the sony spokesperson said the company will not be releasing the film.
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( laughter ) >> jon: okay. not releasing it in theaters because video on demand is a democratized technology. it will inhabit the entire earth. you made a big mistake, north cohackers. >> no video on demand. it's as if "the interview" never existed. >> jon: ( bleep ). ( laughter ) that's it? so kim jong un gets to decide what movies we make? so this is every movie from now on is just this, "world's biggest picture, the motion picture." that's it. actually here's what's interesting. in korean, that translates to after-girth. ( laughter ) for god's sake, north korea that's what they do. they threaten people with
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hyperbolic language. why do we fall for that? that's their hook. >> north korea has threatened to turn washington into a sea of fire. >> jon: sea of fire! what? and did washington shut down? did our government shut down? okay, yes, it did shut down but that wasn't why. it was a funding dispute. bad example. the point is this-- kim jong un i don't even know why you're so mad at hollywood. you should love them. hollywood is just like north korea. everyone is always telling you how great you are. there are billboards everywhere with your face on them and no one eats. ( laughter ) but meanwhile closer to home some of our other enemies got good news as well. >> president obama announcing plans to normalize relations with communist cuba after more than half a century. >> we will end an outdated approach that for decades has failed to advance our interests. >> jon: specifically our interest in breathal shirts, delicious cigars and adorable
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old men bands. how bad could cuba be? like any change, there will be some laggards. >> right when the administration was feeling the maximum pain, it throws them an economic lives line and continues the brutal repression and dictatorship of the castro brackets. >> the cuban government is going to manipulate all these changes to tighten their grip on power. >> jon: tighten their grip on power? these two are barely holding on to life. ( laughter ) i mean, for god's sake junior is 83. at this point, his big brother so to speak, he just lies in a corner farting dust. it doesn't-- we've embargoed them for over 50 years. it hasn't shaken their power. meanwhile, we've thrown plenty of dictator brunches that these two would surely qualify for. why not see if liberalizing borders can help change the dynamics. >> we as a nation and our moral standing in the world is based on one fundamental principle and that is a respect for human dignity human rights, democracy and freedom.
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>> every economic transaction strengthens the regime that is oppressing that is torturing. >> jon: i don't know what you two guys have been doing for the last couple of weeks, but i think i know which book i'm getting you for the holidays. ( laughter ) >> jon, jon, mr. stewart america makes big mistake. >> jon: what? is that-- what the-- oh, my god everybody! it's gitmo, the guantanamo detainee. what's going on, old pal? >> gitmo must warn america by doing business with oppressive cooub regime america destroy its moral standing. >> jon: what-- what makes you say that? >> trust gitmo. gitmo in cuban prison right now. ( laughter ) awful conditions. gitmo on hunger strike, but
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nothing changed. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: so sad. it's so sad. ( laughter ) ( bleep ) gitmo. gitmo i don't know if you know this, guatanamo bay, that's in cuba, but that's an american prison. that's our government holding you in those conditions. you know that, right? >> oh, right. after 10 years, what was gitmo charged with again? >> jon: charged with? um... it's a funny story. we haven't actually gotten around to-- hey, you know what, gitmo-- ( laughter ) you know what, gitmo? it could be worse. some of-- it's harder than it looks. some of our other offshore
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detainees got food tubes in their rectums. >> gitmo dream of food tube in rectum. ( laughter ) has to be better than man's arm. >> jon: well, that-- that's true, that can't be comfortable, but surely, you must take solace in senator rubio's and cruz's discussion of american values. >> sure, slong it's sincere and not a pander to a powerful, to gain a a majority in the swing state. >> jon: god gitmo. what is wrong with you? that is so cynical. >> gitmo sorry. gitmo should have more faith in the system. ( laughter ) >> jon: thank you, gitmo. i accept your apology. gitmo, everybody, we'll be right back. how it feels to chew 5 gum.
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you know, obviously, the holidays are here. it's the christmas season. but sadly some are not so jolly this year, including those whose very job it is to be jolly. jordan clepper has more. >> this past saturday, the streets of new york echoed with voices raised against injustice. and civil rights attorney norman seagal thinks they have a right to be heard. >> even if you disagree with the content of the message of a group, they have the right to express that viewpoint. >> so he stood with them-- no, not that them. this them. holy ( bleep ). with santas. >> you can't ban people from walking on the public streets. >> turn the owz seagal is defending the civil right of a drunken christmas scene bar crawl in new york facing unjust discrimination based on nothing more than indecent behavior and their yule tide street brawl. i traveled to santa-con to bear witness to their struggle. >> hell, yeah, i feel% cuted as
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a santa. i'm drunk and i'm supposed to be able to do whatever ( bleep ) i want. >> you make very eloquent point. >> i do. >> we have a right to have fun! >> what do you say to critics who say this is just an event for drunk kids from new jersey. >> new jersey? i think that's wrong. >> where are you from? >> new jersey. >> santa has rights! >> doors and chimneys have been slammed in their face. have you ever been kicked out of a bar? >> yeah i've been kicked out of a bar. >> just for being a santa. >> for peeing in the hallway and having sex on the pool table. >> you got kicked oit because you were a santa? >> no because a girl was staring at me and i hit her. >> this santa-con advocate agreed to discuss their cause-- if he could remain in costume. so-- what should i call you? >> santa, please. >> so i can use the "s" word? it's not something all people who are in that community can use with each other? >> you can use the "s" word? >> what up, santa. >> yo.
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>> nice. what are the other guys in suits called? >> they are all santa. we are all santa. >> doesn't that get confusing? >> nope. >> what if somebody sends a text that's like, "santa, can't come to santa's party because santa hooked up with santa at sant's bar mitzvah." >> santa is all of us. >> who are we talking about right now? oh, yeah, we're talking santas and their sacred constitutional rights. >> we have a first amendment right to get together, say what we want, and walk around in the streets, as long as we're doing nothing illegal. >> you have a right to be judged, not by the vomit in your beard but by the content of your character. >> absolutely. >> well, to be fair, vomit in beard probably speaks somewhat towards the content of character. >> 30,000 of anybody, there's going to be some drunks. >> there are some bad eggs. >> absolutely. >> what's their names? >> nobody at santa-con is taking names. >> you don't have a list of who's being naughty? ( laughter ). >> no. >> isn't that your whole
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( bleep ) thing? >> we are nonjudgmentable. >> sadly, even traditionally pro-santa new yorkers have had enough. what do you think of santa? >> he smells bad. >> what is santa supposed to smell like? >> clean. >> and even his little helpers were less than supportive. what do you think of santa? >> ( bleep ) santa. the north pole man. i would rather work in a 90's factory than work another day for him. >> you're a real elf? >> yes. >> perhaps i shouldn't judge a santa until i have walked a mile in his buckled boodz. it happened. it's a miracle they say. my heart and liver grew three sizes that day. as the liquor flowed and flowed, my empathy growed and growed. i finally understood, the hatred and oppression these santas
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experienced when ( bleep ) faced drunk is all too real, even at a local bar. >> one more whiskey. >> it opened my eyes. >> so what. ( bleep ) an elevator. does that make me a monster? am i a monster? >> yes! >> ( bleep ) you. ( bleep ) you. ( bleep ) you. >> so, kids, on the night before christmas, before you hang the stockings with care, it won't kill you to take care of papa santa. maybe a burrito, some go juice. he might have had a rough night. >> jon: very nice. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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(sniffs pillow) watch your personal dvr library where ever you go. with the x1 entertainment operating system. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight the best. his new film he wrote, directed and stars in is called "top five." >> look who's talking. hide the crack. >> hey, home boy, that was unnecessary, man. that was the 80s. either you was using or-- either way you got swept up in it. >> i didn't mention the five grand you owe me. >> you know what? you have to have an income before you get a check. you can't tax zero. >> allergic to jobs. pee takes job benadryl. when he feel a job coming ohe just take a benadryl.
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>> jon: please welcome back to the program, chris rock. ( cheers and applause ) really? really? really? really? i didn't know you had that. i did not know you had all that. >> i got all of that. and a lot more. >> jon: really? >> how's it going fellow big-time director? >> well mr. fellow big-time director, it's going quite well. congratulations. >> thank you. >> jon: i'm telling you, it's-- it feels like-- when you see somebody you know is great and has worked for many years and put together different things-- i felt this way about the south park-- like a doctoral thesis. this movie feels like you're
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doctoral thesis and everything you've learned. it's just ( bleep ) great. >> thanks, man. >> jon: and so much fun to watch. and i-- i'm anything to say something. i don't mean in th in-- i fell in love with chris rock all over again when i watched that. ( laughter ). >> thank you. i hope we can use that quote, like they used on "book of mormon." >> jon: i couldn't even get discount tickets. every cab i went in-- >> "jon stewart says it's the best play ever." when did jon stewart become the play guy? ( laughter ) what does jon stewart think of "oklahoma?" >> jon: you know what's sad? my kids see that on the top of the cab, and they go, "oh, can we go see that?" and i'm like no. "you said it was great." "no." >> i lie gld i lied. it's no good pup can't go. you can't go. what is it for you? what is the experience like for you? you know as a stand-up you're always in front of the audience.
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>> yes. >> jon: so you ?efer actually experience your own work. >> i've never been to a chris rock show. >> jon: exactly! >> i hear they're pretty good. ( laughter ). >> jon: can i tell you something? they're great. >> thank you. >> jon: a little overpriced, but great. ( laughter ) but as a director, so you get to experience with the audience your work. what does that feel like is there is it subversive? is it weird. what does it feel like? >> it's subversive. it's weird. you know the thing. it's like you're a comedian. you come up with a joke in the afternoon. you tell the joke at 8:30, 9:00 at night, and you get it, immediate. and when you're doing a movie, you come up with a joke, and then a year and a half later you find out if it worked or not. >> jon: yup. >> you know, and it it doesn't work you're like oh,-my-god what am i going to do. >> jon: there aren't many
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that don't work. especially the sceeps like that one the cameos in it. everybody scores in this movie which i think is almost impossible to pull off in a big ensemble. >> sandler, seinfeld-- he gets some big -- >> all the performances. and it's dramatic. you've got gears, man. you've got gears. >> i'm trying man! >> jon: no, it's good-- >> ... dawson is in there looking fine. >> jon: she's looking real fine. by the way, he wrote in a couple of scenes where you get to-- >> we make out. >> jon: put your head inside of her head with the mouth-- boom. >> yeah. ( laughter ) i gotta use my super powers for good, right? ( laughter ) you know. i had more in there but she took them out. she's like, "we don't need this." i'm reading the paper. why am i in my panties?
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( laughter ) >> jon: is it nice for you? i know there's a real-- it's christmastime. >> yup. >> jon: there's a real hole in the movie theater schedule now that they've taken away-- apparently there's a movie that's not going to run as planned. >> really! >> jon: i do think to yourself more cheese for me or what do you think? >>-- i-- i-- i'll say this-- my movie is very korean friendly. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i-- i-- we almost don't kill requestanykoreans. ( laughter ) out of all of the movies out, we kill the least amount of koreans in our movie displ if you're going to see any movie this year that you think could heal the divide-- >> i'm just saying. >> jon: it would be "top
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five." >> the egyptians are white in "exodus." annie's black. it's a weird world right now. >> jon: it's a weird world. it's the safest christmas movie there is. it's fun for koreans. >> jon: i can vouch for that you know what i'm upset about? i write a movie about the iranian regime, nothing. these guys are getting all this publicity. ( cheers and applause ). i've got a whole thing about-- and it's not even a comedy, it's real-- they held this guy in solitary confinement, you treated him like hell, and they're like, "yeah..." >> they're like "yeah, we did that." >> jon: "yeah, we did that." no hacking. a couple of-- even half-hearted. >> i can't wait to see "the interview." >> jon: do you think it will come out? >> it will come out. >> jon: it has to, right?
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>> of course, it will come out. you can buy it on 125th street right now. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: how do you think it would be if kim jong un showed up on 125th street and was like,"put that down! what are you doing?" it's awesome. i'm so glad for you. it's a great movie. congratulations. do you have the next one cooked up? >> i'm working on it. i'm trying to write some stand-up man. >> jon: yeah, you really need to work on that. "top five" it's in the theaters now, chris rock. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: i like to think every show is special, jon. it's a little something called professionalismprofessionalism. >> jon: obviously you're not ready to share any feelings yet. >> stephen: what feelings? i'm an emotionless, igneous news rock. >> jon: okay, i just want to say, have a great show. and are you ready? >> stephen: i'm more than ready, jon. in fact, jimmy? grab it. ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ ♪ school days, school days, teacher's -- ♪ my little brother's trying to follow me to school again!

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