tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central January 8, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PST
hey. check it out. junior plastics. and if any freshman tried to disturb that peace... well, let's just say we knew how to take care of it. just kidding. >> january 8, 2015. from comedy central's worldviews headquarters in new york. this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: hey! welcome to "the daily show"! my name's jon stewart! my guest tonight, allison williams of "girls", the remarkable daughter of one very unremarkable newsman.
(laughter) >> jon: i just want you to know tonight, out of respect for new mass transit ordinances here in new york city, i am blind my desk, i am actually man squeezing. (whistling) (applause) >> jon: i have been informed there are some gentlemen on the subway who believe that a ride to work is the time to ventilate the boys. i think that's -- you know, i think that's an incorrect -- you know, once you get to the office, let 'em loose. have some fun. but on the way to work, i can understand why you may want to keep it tight, keep it clean,
let other people sit there without watching you smuggle plumes into the subway system. but, folks -- (cheers and applause) and you know it's actually good exercise. but let's begin with new senate majority leader mitch mcconnell! beneath his hardened exterior and love of all things lettuce -- (laughter) -- and seasonally-driven, sand-based spawbing spawning runs -- it's a fact, he is a total and the first of his kind to hold elected office -- but inside lies the hardent critic of president barack obama's economic policies
>> you do have to wonder, though, whether the stimulus has had any impact at all. a bill that was meant to rein in wall street. but which is widely expected to stifle growth and kill more jobs. this is certainly the most anti-business administration since the carter years. >> # million fewer jobs will be created summit of obama care. spending, borrowing taxing, regulation and tepid growth! >> jon: i mean, it's just... this president's economic stewardship has borne a wasteland of shuddered businesses, abandoned factories and stores that sell but misery. marauding hordes wishing for the promised death panels to end their socialist misery -- and yet -- >> the american economy growing faster than in over a decade.
>> the incredible dollar rally continuing. >> the gdp soared. best paced job growth. unemployment rates fell in 41 states last month. >> jon: your head's still out of your neck! (laughter) how do you explain that oh amphibious one. >> we have some economicda the to provide hope. the up tick coincides with the obama's change of long ten your in washington. the expectation of a new republican congress. >> jon: oh, come on! you have been in control of the senate two days! (laughter)
barely time to track down murderers in the scrabbled streets of san fernando --ous. quarter, and wait a minute! unless my calendar is broken... which is possible, since i bought it at the discount calendar factory outlet store... all that great economic news happened "before" the november elections. and mitch, you've only been in control for three days! you haven't even had time to undo all the job-killing economy-cratering, dead presidents re-murdering policies you've been decrying for years. two million fewer jobs will be created as a result of obamacare. but the truth is actually much simpler. the truth is -- and this will blow your minds -- if you rub
mitch mcconnell's shell -- (laughter) -- you will receive five years of business growth. a limited genie. takes him 40 minutes to get through a song. ♪ you ain't never had a friend like me ♪ (laughter) but as long as we're on the hot role. is there any other long-standing problems the senate has single-handedly fixed? >> a flag lowering ceremony sunday marked end of u.s. combat missions in afghanistan. after 13 years operation enduring tbreem is over. >> america's longest war ended with the faintest of whimpers. >> jon: the afghan war is officially over and the commentary sounded like it didn't go out with more of a bank. it @nded with a whimper. i mean, what ever happened to ending a war with a good old fashioned a-bomb? now there's a showstopper with some pizzazz! by the way, a 13-year-old conflict, you know what that means --
it's afghanistan's war mitzvah. (laughter) congratulations. today you are a quagmire. well, i know someone who's got to be very excited about this. guy's been talking about ending wars since he was a little pup. >> next week, we will be ending our combat mission in afghanistan. obviously, because of the extraordinary service of the men and women in the american armed forces. >> jon: i'm not saying you've got to get on an aircraft carrier when you're ending a war. but can you at least deliver the news in a room without booths? (laughter) might as well be banging out the announcement in a ground round. (laughter) c'mon people! this is an historic moment. try keeping the peanut shells in the bowl! not the floor! trying to end a war over here! anyway, pack up the bags, folks.
it's finally the end of "operation enduring freedom." lower-case "freedom," large font, all-caps "enduring." not something the president would announce, if this wasn't a huge dramatic shift. >> there is not a huge dramatic shift. >> ruh roh. ending a war! sounds pretty dramatic. maybe not "les mis" dramatic, but it's a solid "phantom," >> there still be 11,000 soldiers in the country. >> president obama is broadening the plans. >> authorizing fighter jets, bombers and drones. >> there will be u.s. forces still seeing combat. >> providing air and ground support for at least two more years. >> n.a.t.o. officials retired the flag in kabul sunday replacing it with another representing a new mission. >> jon: so the change is literally symbolic. you can't just change the flag and expect people to get on
board. this better be the most inspirational operation flag of -- oh, okay. all right, we'll stay. i suppose, in retrospect, there was one pretty fail-safe sign that we wouldn't actually be leaving in 2014. >> we're going to be totally out of there, come hell or high water, by 2014. we are leaving. we are leaving in 2014, period. >> jon: we are leaving period! if by "period" i mean "comma," psych! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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mayor bill deblasio the socialist sasquatch running our city -- will have laugh -- (laughter) -- and the new york police department turning their backs on the mayor because they feel the mayor does not respect them. at least good news. >> the number of murders in the city dropped to a record low last year. 328 people were reported killed in 2014. that's the lowest number since at least 1963. the city is seeing lower numbers in almost every major crime category. >> jon: burglary, down! assault, down! remember the giant ape used to be on the skyscraper? gone! the only thing we have to deal with now is the occasional koala raucous which is the more adorable problems our city has. wave a little eucalyptus they
come right over. as we reached cruising the police switched engines off. >> the police reduced enforcement as a possible protest against the mayor. felonies down 60%. parking violations down 93% and traffic citations down 92%. >> the police commissioner acknowledged there has been a slowdown in summonses and arrests. >> jon: sounds so negative. more of a public safety staycation, if you will. explains the nypd new motto, chillin'. so yes, you can look at it as a negative new york's finest may have stopped doing that whole crime fighting thing or think of it as an opportunity. if you're thinking of it as visiting our city now may be the perfect time. jason jones explains. >> it's time to fall back in love with the city you love, the
one from the '70s. welcome to the new new york! where you no longer need to hide your position for drinking fine spirits outside. and there's plenty of newly-available parking. >> what you doing? parking wherever the (bleep) we want! >> it's time to wake up the neighbors and spread the news! because leash laws are so 2014! >> (bleep) you doing? catch the spirit of the city's old world charm and also some chlamydia. >> take a look! it could be anything. >> anything you need is a phone call away. >> jelly bean, it's jason. jones! i need some weed, man! i want to get high. yes, i want some cocaine! >> and just look at all the new business opportunities. >> you buy american cyber i give you two rose waters. >> no, that's okay. rose waters is good.
about a guy that likes to wear a mask. >> i want coke (cursing) >> can you believe that? weed, no coke! >> a new new york the entire city is your canvas. take in a broadway show and share it with millions of your friends! on youtube! >> speaking into the mic. this is live theater! keep going. yes, it's the city that never ever ever sleeps, because while cops may ignore an aggressive elmo shaking down kids for cash, now they'll ignore this, too! >> what's the matter with you? so come and enjoy our newly accessible facilities. >> create, now i get to (bleep) in a bucket. oh, oh! >> there's no end to the
consequence-free fun. >> what are you doing? hey, man. my town. >> it's not my job. (laughter) >> yes, the new new york is for everyone! yo, buddy not for you! you just littered! officer, this man fits some sort of description! >> paid for by new yorkers for a (bleep) new york. >> jon: jason jones, we'll be only pizza hut's new menu finally gives crust the flavor it so rightfully deserves. get any one of ten new crust flavors for free. like, toasted asiago. salted pretzel. or honey sriracha. for a limited time carry out a large two topping for 7.99. only at pizza hut.
(cheers and applause) >> jon: where is my guest tonight? she stars on h.b.o.'s "girls." about to premiere it's fourth season. (singing) >> what? what's going on? >> nothing. you know marnie, things don't have to be weird between us. >> it's not weird. okay, but if things are weird let's like, acknowledge
it. >> there's nothing to acknowledge okay? >> jon: does seem weird between the two of them. please welcome allison williams! (cheers and applause) ♪ hobb >> jon: thank you for joining me. thank you for having me. >> jon: let me get it out of the way. >> do everything you need to do. i can feel it. >> jon: just off the top. yeah. >> jon: your father is a news man by the name of brian williams. >> yes. >> jon: in my experience, the apple does not generally fall far from the tree. >> okay. >> jon: in your case he's like a rock garden. like a paved concrete -- like a place that you would in the city see a homeless man asleep. >> i like to think of him that way. >> jon: you are a vivacious, talented, intelligent woman. your mother has done such
wonderful work here. >> i will tell her you said that. >> jon: to overcome -- i don't want to say the disability of having brian for a father. >> don't. if you don't want to say it, you don't have to say it. >> jon: all right. it's just shocking. >> thank you. overcoming adversity is important (laughter) and i think it's a life skill when you're dealing with the paternal side of the family that's unintelligent and unclassy. >> jon: that's what i'm saying! not a classy man and vulgar as the day is long! >> disgusting! shocking! >> jon: it is shocking... (laughter) i'm sorry. you know i love that man. >> i do. >> jon: we have a fish named brian williams in our house. >> i'm going to get out of here. >> jon: you didn't know that? i did not. >> jon: it weirds out the neighbors because the kids will sometime go, we have to feed brian williams. >> you did feed brian williams
in a dely. my first pa centrally sandwich in my life. >> jon: you grew up on the east coasta mong civilized people. >> i did. all were eating pa centrally around me and i was like ah later. i knew it was coming sooner or later. >> jon: had you actively turned down smoked meats in the past? >> yeah. >> jon: what about corned beef? >> i had that for the first time last night. i don't know what's happening! >> jon: you're turning into a jew! (laughter) you will be become a jew! what possessed you to start after holding out for so long? >> holidays were crazy. i thought why not throw caution to the wind? >> jon: how did you eat them? i let my dad prepare it because i knew he would have a way of doing it. >> jon: i say this with all
due respect because you know i respect him, i would not let him touch your food. >> well, i always have someone taste things that he prepares for me before i eat them. >> jon: you don't know what kind of quarantines he's violated. >> he's being well fed by you and your family. >> jon: we do like to send him the smoked meats. >> thank you. >> jon: let me ask you this, because you did the live peter pan musical. >> yeah. >> jon: that strikes me as the actor's equivalent of the oscars because it's this event that the world kind of get around, and they live tweet it and that can be very daunting. i can remember hosting the oscars and going, i didn't know this many people could hate me at once. >> it's kind of beautiful, actually. >> jon: it is. you say we can't galvanize anymore as a society and then you go oh yeah everyone is talking to one another! (laughter)
i knew it was daunting and would have that kind of response but i also just knew i wanted to play peter pan so badly i didn't care. i just want to know broad strokes like can i show my face in public tomorrow or does the world hate me. and the answer the world didn't hate me any more than previously. (laughter) so that was a net zero, so that was nice. i got some new little kid stuff like tinkerbell. >> jon: that's sweet. do you think the liberating aspect of that is what allowed you to then move to the smoked meats? >> wow... >> jon: do you think there is something in that? before you played that, you thought, i am tethered by conventional deli. >> i was doing smoked turkey and now i'm on to pa centrally. >> jon: that's what kids do. they do. and then i grew up. >> jon: and even i clapped at
home because i believe in pa centrally (laughter) i don't know how we tied that together. >> it was artfully done. >> jon: what kind of fish do you think your dad is? >> great question. (laughter) a flounder. >> jon: he's not a flounder. you mean in your house? >> jon: yeah. a fighting fish. >> jon: no. a goldfish? >> jon: he is a type of goldfish. >> original parmesan -- (laughter) (applause) >> jon: no, he's a little back googly eye. >> that's what he looks like! >> jon: been swimming upside down lately, a little worried about brian williams. >> he likes to check things out from a new perspective. jon? >> jon: you're good at this. thank you. >> jon: season 4 of "girls"
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♪ ♪ when you feel good no one is immune. with antioxidants, electrolytes, and b vitamins plus more vitamin c than ten oranges. emergen-c transforms more than just water. emergen-c. let your awesome out. >> jon: that's our show! here it is, your moment of zen. >> one last thing david cameron said over the weekend that the president calls him broke. is that true? is that any other pet names he has for world leaders. >> to paraphrase a local baseb -- . >> it's 1212:29 and 29 seconds thx happened on instagram. jeb brother of george bush may be running for president on 2016. he will already paving the way. he just joined instagram