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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 20, 2015 2:02am-2:33am PST

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on tomorrow's show, we will talk about bill cosby and the more than three dozen women who have accused him of rape. ask me anything about cosby and don't forget to use the #keepit100. and lastly, a tip of the hat and a wag of the finger to my buddy stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) thanks for making 11:30 special, my friend. god speed and goodnightly! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh -- . >> it's 11:59 and 59 second, this happened on deadspin, yesterday's packers seahawks
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game was insane, i'm told. but as you can guess i'm not the biggest sports head fine. so to help me break down the game pleat welcome noted realtor and chris hardwick incubator and the biggest sports fan i know no joke my mom sharon. >> hi. (applause) >> thank you for joining us sports mom. >> christopher there are few bigger disappointments in my life than the fact that you don't like sports. >> okay. thank you. >> no problem so in maybe terms how was the game for you? >> well, for me it was very exciting. you know t was hard fought by the seahawks. they hung in there even when it looked lake they were done. >> but i thought you were rooted for green bay. >> well i was then -- >> then what happened? >> then they decided to take out their dicks and [bleep]
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aaron rodgers. >> mother, mother! you can't-- okay it's not-- may mom watches this show. you're my mom. >> i'm sorry christopher, it is what it is. jack roll the gif. >> you can't tell-- you can't just tell our producers what to do. >> i can do whatever i want. now take a look here. this is when they really started lubing up. postic wasn't even supposed to try to catch the ball here. he was supposed to be blocking. this lead to a touchdown that forced overtime. which was then punctuated by a 35 yard touchdown pass from russell wilson. what the [bleep] was that? (laughter) >> if you see a ball coming this far down the field and
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you're the defender you got to wrap him up. take the penalty. don't hope he doesn't make the catch. so instead of first and ten on the 17 it's a touchdown. and instead of going to the super bowl aaron rodgers has to spend his spring doing more state farm commercials. >> oh wow. okay. i don't know. i believe you just so you know before you go off on too much of a tangent this is a show about the internet this is not jim rome. >> listen to me very carefully christopher jim rome is a pussy. >> mom you can't-- just start saying that now. i'm going have to answer for that. >> okay honey. >> i got to get on with the show. >> i still love you even though are you into all that dumb nerd [bleep]. >> okay mother, thank you. love you. thank you for being here.
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(cheers and applause) >> ladies and gentlemen my mom. you know, despite what my mother says, because this is my show i'm a big boy! i'm a big boy mom. i think the one thing we can all agree on is the real star of last night's show was the guy who ran on to the field pointing out obvious breaches in security and making everyone grateful that he only had a pink bottle full of schnapps and not a symtext vest full of nails. hang on, i can't get a good look at this guy. do we have a better picture. there we go this is a better picture. we don't know anything about this guy except for the fact that he is not wearing pants so grab your pink water bottle and give the post game speech. >> i'm the only thing on nbc right now. >> that's true. >> pete holmes. >> i would like to thank my
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pantsless mom pantsless jesus and i'm going to pantless disneyland. >> kyle kinane. >> hey, my dick is on the jumbo tron, how small is it now janine? perfect time to start @midnight at midnight. >> well company to @midnight. i'm countries hardwick. tonight's comedians are all white i apologize for that okay. i mean look-- (laughter) >> i mean and not just white like the four [bleep] whitest all basser. >> in my defense i'm a huge em them fan though. that totally counts. >> author of silver screen feind available at book stores and amazon
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mr. patton oswalt. (applause) performing at the irvine improv january 29th through 391s pete holmes. (applause) >> making it weird. >> thank you. yeah. >> i like that. >> don't [bleep] on the irvine improv. it's wonderful. >> his hour special i like his old stuff better premiers friday on this very channel will probably intro it himself kyle kinane. (applause) let's start the program ripped from the today's internethead lines it's rapid refresh. president obama is giving the state of union address tomorrow. one challenge he faces is that the audience for the speech has been falling partially dow to the fact that fewer americans are watching live tv and also the fact that fewer
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americans are giving a [bleep] about stuff. the president is even said to be tailoring a speech for social network to grab people from netflix classic friends episode or their intable: --ish inability to realize that scandal is not an actual documentary about the white house. so comedians give me a line from this area's state of the union aimed at internet savvy goddamn millennial patton os wald. >> hello this is president-- buffering buffering buffering buffering-- (applause) >> points. >> pete holmes. >> obama wants to call the state of the union address instead he is going to call it a reddit ama al ai cbtff. >> an ask me anything as long as it is cleared by the secret service. >> yes points points. >> that was really hard. >> that was hard. >> you did a good job. >> this is a low budget show i had to do it off the mind. >> yeah, yeah you had to
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remember the first letter of all those words. that's good. >> fy chris. (applause) >> kyle. >> i think he what say i'm done in a year. [bleep] this job. #suckit then drop the mike. >> that would be amazing. >> that's the end of rapid refresh it's now time for tonight's hashtag wars. (applause) >> adorable endie rock favorite belle and is a bestian dropped new albums this weak is it a coincidence to zooey deschanel announcing she's pregnant this is the time of a coming-- pocolypse. the votes are running red with red vel ket-- velvet cupcakes cats and dog,
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knitting together mass hysteria. >> this is truly-- zooey deschanel's pregnant. >> she is. >> who is the eukelele. (laughter) >> corey. >> this is truly an historical time for lovers of all things cutesy so celebration is make history cute. examples might be good night moon landing or the lust louis etsy purchase or the cuban whistle crisis. >> 60 seconds on the time piece starting now. yes pete holmes. >> world war wonderful. >> points. >> yes kyle. >> the boo-boo-bonic plague. >> points. >> patton. >> where's hitler? where's hitler? >> pete. >> wa-wa gait. >> yes points. >> patton. >> the lincoln assassination except lincoln say little french puppie and a little
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kittie hits him with a little pumpkin. >> so adorable. >> thank you. >> kyle. >> trail of johnson & johnson no more tears. >> yes, points. >> patton. >> nine eweven. >> pete. >> -- >> you are making it worse. you're making it worse by dancing that way. stop it. >> what the hell? >> points to pete holmes. >> points. >> that is the end of the #wars send your hash tak make history cute and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be rate back. >> our tweet of the day was sent by@gcgeek. well done done
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. >> welcome back to @midnight. this upcoming weekend i'll be doing stand-up in portland and denver as part of the fun comfortable tour. go to fun comfortable to get tickets an info. but right now it's time to play floridaman. floridaman. at floridaman is a fantastic twitter feed you should subscribe to immediately. collect real newscenterees that could only come out of the alternative dimension that is florida. i'm not just cropping on it i lived there for a while when i was a kid. my mom is from miami and you see how she turned out. we'll give you the beginning of a floridaman tweet and you try to fill in the bizarre blank. first one floridaman trays to pick up prostitute while blank, patton oswalt? >> buttered. >> okay that's points for sure.
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>> kile. >> breast-feeding il legally imported reptiles. >> points. >> floridaman tries to pick up prostitute while driving special needs school bus. >> he had a very special need. >> i told him we were wrestling i don't know there you go. next one naked floridaman subdued after blank. >> patton. >> completing his wedding vows. >> yes points. >> kyle. >> after one of his illegally imported reptiles bites a prostitute. >> correct answer i'm surprised after threatening residents with sword.
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>> well how did we not see that. >> it is sort of implied most of the time. >> next one floridaman throws toilet at blank. >> patton. >> skies. >> that is a strong man. >> points kyle. >> at mirror up set with self forever getting involved in that pesky illegal reptile. >> i'm glad you brought that back around. i was mauried about the merit of that guy. thanks. delightful answer throws toilet at imaginary attackers while barricaded inside meth lab. >> last one naked man fails to break into woman's house sits on porch and blanks instead. >> patton. >> throws toilet at sky.
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>> just jams the hell out of his d. >> points. >> -- you are not auditioning, you got t it's okay. you're overselling it now. >> as i often do when you guess the act retail price on the show as pete holmes did, you get a hundred extra points for masturbates into seat cushon. >> oh my god. (cheers and applause) >> and we thought that pete holmes show got cancelled.
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(cheers and applause) >> that is the end of florida man. and the beginning of a beautiful relationship. time for our live challenge monkey linguist. with all the terrorists happening in the world that threaten the way of our life we forget what really happened lake the impending chimpanzee uprising the prophecy has foretold. this video is on-- it-- reign of ter railroad by learning to speak their language. very smart move. you should listen up.
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>> this means hello. (laughter) >> wait a minute what is your other hand doing? >> comedians let's condition this educational crash course by having you teach us to speak a sentence of your choosing in cham panzee am we'll get our answers and more after the break
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♪ how do you turn an idea into something real? ♪ it takes passion... ♪ innovation... ♪ and most importantly ♪ an after-party. ♪ the 2015 corolla. toyota. let's go places. . (cheers and applause) welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you video trending on reddit with a scientist speaking chimpanzee teach us you had to say a sentence of your
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choosing in chimpanzeement pete holmes let's start with you. (laughter) >> monkey from hangover is gay, i have tits. >> all right. >> you got to get in on something interesting and then negotiate your freedom. >> patton. these picture delicious i simply must have the recipe. >> perfect all right. >> kyle. >> lack at me i'm a talking monkey. (applause) >> there you go. >> that means-- yeah. (laughter) >> all right.
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so a thousand points for patton, 500 kyle, 250 pete holmes. we go to our next game wiki how's that now? if you were a young person who needs guidance you could turn to the previous generation and draw on their wisdom and experience but honestly grandpa is probably drunk so [bleep] it just go on the internet wiki howe say site with crowd source tips for everything on getting a flat stomach to this is real, how to calculate pi by throwing frozen hot dogs. (laughter) so comedians your job is to name some wiki howe articles wah like to see get written. put 60 seconds on the clock. yes pete. >> how to successfully trap michael phelps in a sumo net. >> points. >> pete. >> how to get better rating on tv -- >> kyle. >> how to soundproof a 1987
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fordarystar. >> point. >> how to lose a guy in nine days. >> points. >> pete. >> how to train your dragon but like for real. >> points. >> kyle. >> how to get fingerprints off of a hello kitty backpack. >> points. >> patton. >> how to get chris hardwick to yell points even when your joke sucks. >> no points. >> kyle. >> how to properly dispose of a soundproof 1987 ford aerostar. how to hide your erection when your girlfriend is telling you a story about her dad going through chemotherapy. >> points that is the end of wiki how's that now. and i see pete holmes you're in third place. we have to eliminate you. >> you better not cover me in red lights. you better not, hardwick. >> okay, i promise i wonts cover new red lights but --
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>> oh, i didn't realize. that means it's time to pull out some gas, glass or ass it's for the win. (cheers and applause) the real sad day for fans of wearable tech, i regret to announce that google has officially halted sales of google glass. i know. i know. >> no. >> i know. unfortunately they just never really took off. making them the google plus of glass. comedians, i would like you to write a eulogy for this ill-fated accessory while our comedians answers when we come back on @midnight.
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ooooh... i can hear that sizzle. getting louder! and louder! philly cheesesteak and egg sizzling with prime rib and gooey cheese. i better (just) silence this sizzle! the new philly cheesesteak and egg skillet. denny's. welcome to america's diner. >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i will wipe the scores clean wipe, wipe wipe. wipe, wipe, wipe. here we go. i will read the answer as loud. you will decide the winner. before the break i asked to you write a eulogy for the now-defunct google glass. let's see what you wrote. first one google glass is in
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heaven now making jesus lack like an asshole. (cheers and applause) >> or now i'll have to imagine what mustard-belching looks like while waiting in line at starbucks. (cheers and applause) >> number two is the winner. who had mustard belching. of course kyle kinane. you have won the internet are you the funniest person over the next 23 and a half hours. we'll see you tomorrow night. our guests will be nick thune, ali wong and ben kronberg. until this keen tweeting your #s make history kuts to become tomorrow's tweet of day. thanks for joining us @midnight at midnight. see you tomorrow. ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪
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