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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  January 23, 2015 5:56pm-6:28pm PST

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well, i got my shield for stopping bender. (cheering) but then i got fired for tipping off bender. (cheering) fry, we have no idea what you do around here, but we desperately need you back. really? um, i don't suppose there's any chance i could get a promotion. sure. what the heck? i hereby promote you to executive delivery boy. executive? it's a meaningless title but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves. i feel better about myself! captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: tonightly, after what seemed like forever, we officially care about one of these two cubas again. these two
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cubas again. here's a hint -- i'll never care about cuba gooding, jr. that's right. we're opening up relations with our latino neighbor to the south. sorry, mexico. you can still go (bleep) yourself. we'll get exports and cigars, and they're going to to get our chief export, type two diabetes. so let's put some pickles on that pork sandwich and mambo! this is the "the nightly show"! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause)
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>> larry: yes! thank you very much! welcome to the show. i'm your host, larry wilmore. big news from the white house. now we all know we gave up on hope a long time ago, but potential change with cuba may be about to happen. >> representatives met in havana to discuss reestablishing diplomatic ties between the two countries. an agreement would ultimately lift trade and travel embargoes in place for some 50 years. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> larry: this is really good news. those ant really good cigars. cuba. that's right. today, for the first time in a generation, the u.s. and cuba are holding high-level diplomatic talks in public. and like sex in a hatchback, things are off to a rough start. >> the head of cuba's team foreign ministery official
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josefina vidal , criticized the cuban adjustment act, which includes the wet foot/dry foot policy. it states that cubans intercepted at sea by u.s. law enforcement are returned to cuba, while those who make it to u.s. soil can apply for permanent residency after one year. >> larry: so if you get to land, you can stay? but if you get caught on the water you're out? man, that's some high-stakes marco polo. marco! "you are under arrest!" polo. now america is easing restrictions on cuban travel, and commercial airlines like delta and jetblue have already shown interest in routes to havana. no word yet if spirit airlines is going to get in on the action, but in all honesty, seriously, you would probably be better off on a damn raft. sorry spirit. now, because we haven't had relations with cuba in so long, i think we need to do a little catching up. so here to take us through that
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is our own ricky velez. ricky, welcome. (cheers and applause) now, you're cuban, right? >> nah, half puerto rican, half irish. >> larry: close enough. all right. break it down for us. >> larry, i think it's really important for people to understand how serious our relationship with cuba is. let's start with the cuban missile crisis. it was like back in the '50s or '60s. missiles were flying at cuba. and magneto was down there and was, like, no thanks! and the next thing you know, professor x is shot in the back. now he's got to be in a wheelchair. >> larry: ricky -- this has nothing to do with cuba. this sounds like x-men first class. >> do you want me to file my report or not, man? >> larry: of course. sure. go ahead. >> so then after that missile
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business, america's, like, "we're not talking to you anymore, cuba. bye, bitch!" that was that. so that's the '60s. now we're in the '70s. next thing you know, michael coreleone goes down there to confront fredo because he knows what he did. so michael says, "you're going to have to die in a row boat." bam. '80s. >> larry: wait a minute. i still think you're talking about movies. >> yeah... documentaries. can i finish? >> larry: yes, please. finish. i can't wait to hear what happens. >> so then al pacino's so bummed about shooting his brother, he gets all tony montana and he's all "first you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women." so then it's, like, "say hello to my little friend." and then he's like -- (bullets firing) flash 30 years forward. that's where we are with cuba.
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>> larry: rickey, that wasn't remotely helpful. >> you're welcome, larry. just keeping it 100. >> larry: ricky velez! (cheers and applause) thank you, ricky! all right, let me try to explain it. you know who cuba is to us? you know that uncle that your parents had a falling out with like, 50 years ago, and nobody knows what really happened? rumors are my dad tried to kill him a couple of times, but he's got this really cool beach house right down the street. you see these old pictures of the crazy parties he used to have with, like, sinatra and hemingway hanging out. he's got all these '59 chefys. and you were just dying to visit him, and your dad's, like, "no!" well, now he's saying, "we'll see." that's where we are with cuba. the truth is, i don't really
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know about cuba. what's it like to live there these days? >> they don't just go to a grocery store. they have what's called a liberetta where they do the rations. so let's say you're a family of five, you get one chicken a month. >> larry: one chicken a month? man, that's horrible! here we use a chicken as bread! (applause) we're such assholes. (laughter) actually, i wouldn't mind doubling down right now. must resist american stomach. well, it can't get much worse than that. >> even when you get internet, it's so slow you use it to have mail. maybe once a month or once a week, you go to facebook to visit friends. that's our internet. >> larry: once a month? that place is a hell hole. god, i'm so angry. show me that double down again? mmm... thanks, double down.
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well, this is terrible. so i don't understand why anybody would be against lifting these sanctions. >> the cuban government in exchange for all of these concessions that the white house has now made has said nothing or done nothing to advance democracy, no freedom of the press no freedom of organization, there will be no election. >> larry: well, he makes a good point. we don't like doing business with countries that don't have free speech or elections. unless they're making our iphones. (laughter) (applause) that's all right. oh the truth oh the truth. this is confusing. both sides have good points. look, if we want to use our money to help revitalize a place that's frozen in time with old cars and abandoned factories, let's just go to detroit. (laughter) right? but if by our presence we can ultimately help improve the way of life for an oppressed people,
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even if it means that for now they just get a taste of freedom, i'm okay going to cuba. and i'm not mad if that taste of freedom comes in the form of a double down. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ (epic music) bring in your verizon or at&t bill turn in your old phone and we'll cut your rate plan in half. visit us online or visit a sprint store today. it's a big world out there. so why do some cash back cards limit where you can earn bonus cash back? one month, it's only at a few places over here... the next, it's only a few places over there ... what you need is the quicksilver
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. one of my favorite things about being a blue shirt is being able to share all this awesome technology with my costumers. i'm thanasi, and i'm beta testing the lg oled tv. because every pixel is lit individually it's gonna give you amazing colors and a really life like viewing experience. when the football is flying through the air, this tv is going to give you a way sharper picture. and with the curved design there's not a bad seat in the house. bottom line is, this tv is an absolute game changer. save on all lg tvs like this lg oled tv. expert service. unbeatable price. best buy. >> larry: we're back talking about cuba. joining me on the panel tonight -- journalist and c.e.o. of starfish media group, soledad o'brien.
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star of the film "fugly!," now available on demand, john leguizamo. our own "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. and executive director of cuba democracy advocates mauricio claver-carone. let's get started. i want to get the names right. that's very important. first, a lot of people brought up the irish shoe, let's not reward a dictator, that's what lifting embargoes do. but we have trade with other countries. what's about getting the panties in a wad about cuba? >> two or three wrong don't make a right. we haven't seen russia, saudi arabia or china any improvement in the respect for
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fundamental freedoms despite all the engagement and trade and everything we've done. to the contrary, we've seen some of the wealthiest tyrannies in human history develop. we don't want to see that in cuba. >> larry: you have family in cuba. >> yes my mom has relatives. >> larry: the o'brien side? (laughter) >> the o'brien side. >> larry: you're for lifting the embargo? >> clearly, the embargo failed. it has not worked. nine administrations of the united states presidents has gone through while it's been in place. no one can say it's been a success so we should continue doing. this i think there's an opportunity. tomorrow there will be a meeting with high-level officials and human rights activists in cuba and dissidents in cuba. that wouldn't have happened if the this opportunity hadn't happened. >> larry: should we be concerned? off connection to there.
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are people concerned? >> people are cheering in cuba. >> larry: really? yes. and in the united states, too. if you look at the polling -- >> larry: that's what it feels like underground in cuba. >> i want those '52 beauics with the hydraulics! it's a low rider's dream cuba, man. >> none of those cars work now. i would disagree about what the people on the ground in cuba feel. the pro democracy movement in cuba is concerned about. this i saw your show last night. >> larry: thank you very much. brown noser! (laughter) >> you said you always stand on the side of the black people. >> larry: no, no no! no, no no! >> what about me, man? >> larry: i said i voted for obama because he's black. no no no. he was is first black president president.
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i came out against bill cosby the other night and he's black. (applause) >> the administration is normalizing relations with an 85-year-old dictator. the pro democracy movement the leaders our martin luther kings, the future leaders of cuba in their 40s and 30s, you know, those are the people that we should be embracing. >> what we've done hasn't worked. since 61 '61, we haven't done anything with cuba. it hasn't worked. now you have an opportunity to bring america to the people. the influence is strong. i'm from the virgin islands and once america comes in, people want to emulate america, maybe that will give a foothold to
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those movements. castro is not dying. he's 127 years old. (laughter) we've tried to kill him everything. he's not going anywhere. he's chillin' right now. (laughter) so maybe, you know, when america gets in there and the influence takes holds maybe those groups will rise up and get rid of the old way of thinking. >> is there a sense from the american latinos community about this? have you sensed anything out there? >> a spokesperson -- you know how it works on this show! >> yeah. there are two parties here. i'm colombian-puerto rican so i understand the divide something that's very perm to some cubans that they don't want to open up because their homes were taken from them and their plantations. >> it's very emotional, i get that. >> you've got to respect that. at the same time, it's a tiny little island. it's not north korea.
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if i did a movie like "the interview" about castro, what is he going to do? smoke digars? they're not going to hack sony. let them go, set them free! >> even how we treat cuba versus mexico bugs me too that wet foot/dry foot thing. we love cubans so we think mexicans? >> frearns are the mexicans of the black world. nobody likes us. >> the mexicans of the black world? they fight to keep mexicans out -- >> you put mexicans under us, you know that right? >> no, i think i put us on the same plane! are americans one big frat party? sounds like an awesome party! people who live on $4 a month.
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>> yes, americans come and have your frat party here and pri your dollars. (talking at the same time) >> isn't the goal to try to reach there? what we're doing is not working so what do you do? unless you're going to send in the military to take over, what do you do? >> that raises the point. cubans love americans and the reason is because we have been on their side. the reason why eastern europeans are the first to join us a is because in the cold war they felt we were on their side. if all of a sudden americans become like canadians that come just to hang out on the beaches and take advantage of the young cuban girls we'll feel the same way about it, we won't be the beacon of freedom. >> americans won't chill on the beach! we won't do that! belle with right back!
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: all right, one of my favorite parts of the show is trying to get real on a personal level. let's... "keep it 100". this makes me happy. okay? i'm gonna ask each of you a question. you have to answer truthfully and keep it 100% real. if the audience thinks you're keeping it 100% real with us they'll let you know. and i'll give you this fancy >> if you had to pick one group black, latino, to identify with, which one would it be? >> i just want to say i won an award for all people --
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(booing) >> i would say black because black people need a lot of support right now. (applause) what? you don't believe that? (booing) >> larry: audience? (booing) >> what do you get if you keep it 100? something good? >> larry: i assume you've never killed anyone. just my assumption. i might be going out on a limb, but... if you could assassinate fidel castro yourself and this is the only chance to get him out of the way, you get him out of the way boom, democracy. you (bleep).
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sorry, would you kill him? would you murder him? >> at this point, he's suffering so much with that colonoscopy -- >> larry: he's making an amazing comeback and the doctor says you will live another 30 years and you're in the next room -- (laughter) >> my first answer would be to say yes and ask for forgiveness later. (applause) >> larry: you kept it 100. you can't lie about something like that. >> larry: john, your turn. i'm scared now. >> larry: that's okay. can i come back next week? >> larry: yes. which latino ethnicity do you hate being mistaken for the most? >> what? i love all my latino people!
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>> larry: keep it 100! (laughter) audience? (applause) >> i like the way you said that. >> larry: okay mike, this is for you. now, mike you're good at keeping it 100. this might be tough, okay? so you're on the coast of florida. the refugee raft is just about to hit the shore okay? there are two people on this raft. you only have time to save one person, okay? one is a cuban -- in other words, if they get on land, they're free. if they're wet, they go back. the first one is a cuban refugee. you can unit that person with their family everybody is happy but you get no fame. the other is cuba gooding, jr. (laughter)
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now, if you say cuba, he says, yo, man! i got millions of dollars for you! >> you don't even got to finish. the refugee is the good one here. (applause) >> larry: he kept it 100 100! the lightest or nothing. the smartest or nothing. the quietest or nothing. the sleekest... ...sexiest ...baddest ...safest, ...tightest, ...quickest, ...harshest... or nothing. at mercedes-benz, we do things one way or we don't do them at all. introducing the all-new c-class. see your authorized mercedes-benz dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. [ high-pitched ] nailed it!
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begins with the cloud. this is "titanfall," the first multi-player game built and run on microsoft azure. empowering gamers around the world to interact in ways they never thought possible. this cloud turns data into excitement. this is the microsoft cloud. >> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists soledad o'brien, john leguizamo mike yard and mauricio claver-carone. they are still arguing right now. finally, last night i asked you to help me keep it 100 on twitter. as always, the questions poured in. remember, i don't get a chance to see this question until right now. okay. give me the question. tonight's question comes from "at andy torrey." (laughter) would you rather take a steaming hot shower with castro or have obama punch you in the dick?
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(laughter) i'm taking a shower with castro okay? that's what i'm doing! keeping it 100! (applause) follow the nightly show on twitter to find out what we have planned for monday's show. until then, goodnightly! ♪ (cheers and applause)


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