Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 6, 2015 1:03am-1:35am PST

1:03 am
from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! (cheers and applause) my name is jon stewart! what a program we have for you tonight! we have crafted this with love tonight. our guest this very evening the very talented very beautiful mr. an janu he has a show that's amazing. we'll start with politics. in the next presidential election, we've started a phase called the invisible primer. the travel to the path to the
1:04 am
rootroute to the road to the white house. the invisible primer is a time for intense jockeying intense speechmaking fundraising. and a all important deep thinking policy research that this country needs will soon prove the future of itsd fundraising. it's likely about the fund raising they need a lot of money. since the presidency in 2016 been app open seat assuming the tyrant obama doesn't declare himself sun king! (laughter) damn, you, feckless tyrant, muslim-christian, dictator pussy! (laughter) we've got two nominee slots to fill. over on the d. j. side former secretary of state hillary clinton is in -- (cheering) seems to be the tight race with
1:05 am
senator nobody and governor bupkis. not a single democrat wants to pursue the nomination on the off chance hillary may throw her hat in the ring! what's so scary about this woman's hat? (laughter) dangerous hat. (laughter) here's how scared democrats are of hillary clinton's candidacy. even people who would like to feel a challenger from the nomination will only speak from a secret location. >> hi everybody. i'm asking you join me and a lot of other folks so far in getting on board with asking elizabeth warren to run in a serious way. (cheering) >> jon: hillary clinton can't
1:06 am
hear me right? (whispering) obviously, this is just between us and not in -- shhhhh! nooooooo! clinton. (laughter) but, as predictable as one party's race is, the other nomination could still go to anyone. well not anyone. >> republican mitt romney says he will not -- repeat, he will not -- make a third run for the white house. >> jon: well, what do you know! turns out sometimes unwanted people do self-deport. i had no idea! (laughter) (cheers and applause) yeah, anyway, as one northeastern governor exits, this leaves a establishment hole in the republican race. >> the "new york times" talking
1:07 am
about governor christie, an everybody's a man i like cheese steak ambience about him. (laughter) >> jon: a little cheap shot there don't you think? i like christie. he loves food. i love that. he's got that every man's crunch. do you know what i'm talking about? the ambience is merely the newest in men's fragrance, cheese steak by calvin kline. oh all right. i didn't see that picture before. (laughter) well, don't see how any candidate so closely associated with the popular sandwich can lose. unless... >> apparently he has a taste according to the "new york times" for the high life and sometimes he doesn't pay others pay for him. >> he flew on casino m a anate
1:08 am
sheldon adleson's private jet complete with a private bedroom. and his stay at this posh hotel, $30,000 paid for by the king of jordan. >> jon: okay, wait -- $30,000 hotel tab sounds pricey, until you realize the mini bar is stocked with ford fiestas. that's right. bills can add up. you know, when you're traveling and get to the room and you want a car but you don't want to get up and leave? you pay the the extra money for the mini bar car. here's what i don't get. how's it legal for an elected official like governor h.r. taking stuff to be accepting lavish gifts from the head of a foreign government. >> christie in 2010 allowed new jersey governors to have travel and related expenses to be paid by foreign governments (audience reacts) >> jon: what an incredible coincidence! he signs this amazing by
1:09 am
specific executive order allowing one man, the governor of new jersey -- who he himself, through no fault of his own happens to be! it allows that one person to get luxury trips through foreign governments -- again, surprisingly in the days after he becomes the recipient of. this man is so lucky, he should play the lottery. lottery. after signing an executive order saying the governor of new jersey automatically wins the lottery. sir, governor christie, what is your explanation here? >> christie said it was a matter of opportunity, saying in part, quote, i relish these experiences and exposurers especially for my kids. i try to squeeze all the juice out of the orange that i can. >> jon: most likely with the top of the line juicer he got from the sultan of bernai.
1:10 am
(laughter) you have to admire his honesty. here's the deal i'm going to get every (bleep) i can get legally out of this office including extra (bleep) that i myself made legal ha ha ha ha ha! (laughter) >> jon: christie's comfort with corruption probably will come back and bite him. >> getting a lot of buzz this week, jeb bush. >> if jeb bush decides to run. he immediately becomes the significant frontrunner. >> he will be a formidable candidate. >> there is so much excitement around jeb bush. >> jon: no, well, now, it could happen because we have had the requisite two-term democratic presidency refractory period between bush presidencies as required by the constitution. (laughter) i guess the real question here is will jeb embrace his roots? >> i'm pretty proud also of 41
1:11 am
and 43. i love them very much. i know that's hard for the political world to accept but it's pretty easy for me to love them and i love them unconditionally. >> jon: look, no one is suggesting that you stop loving your family members because they're bad at their jobs. and to be fair, your dad wasn't even that bad! your dad was pretty good! especially in retrospect! i wouldn't call your dad the greatest man alive or anything, but, you know! >> my dad is the greatest man alive and if you disagree we'll go outside unless you're leaving 6'5", $250 and much younger than me. >> jon: we'll read all about it in his [alarm beeps] [ignition starts] ♪
1:12 am
go beyond utility. introducing the first ever nx turbo and hybrid from lexus. be seen. be heard. make some noise. ♪ ♪ your favorite taco bell treat... ...is now a coffee. we'll give you a second to drink that in.
1:13 am
introducing new cinnabon delights coffee from taco bell. treat yourself. and get four free cinnabon delights with purchase. ♪ lips are your thinnest skin. they need special attention, day and night. new chapstick dual-ended hydration lock provides 24-hour care. spf protects by day. natural oils replenish by night. chapstick. put your lips first. ♪ [acoustic folk guitar] ♪robin hood and little john walkin' through the forest♪ ♪laughin' back and forth at what the other'ne has to say.♪ ♪ ♪reminiscin', this-'n'-thattin' havin' such a good time♪ ♪oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally golly, what a day.♪ ♪ ♪never ever thinkin' there was a danger in the water♪ ♪they were drinkin', they just guzzled it down.♪ ♪never dreamin' that a schemin' sherrif and his posse♪ ♪was a-watchin' them an' gatherin' around.♪
1:14 am
♪robin hood and little john runnin' through the forest♪ ♪jumpin' fences, dodgin' trees an' tryin' to get away.♪ ♪ ♪contemplatin' nothin' but escape an' fin'lly makin' it.♪ ♪oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally golly, what a day♪ ♪oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally golly, what a day♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! now, america and iran are still negotiating over eastern's nuclear program, a fragile process. president obama and president ruerouhani must overcome their mutual distrust and the distrust of their own country's hard liners. (laughter) i'm sorry. that doesn't look right. yes, much better. thank you appreciate that. now, these negotiations -- you
1:15 am
never want to lose your power beard. these negotiations are delicate but eliminating the threat of nuclear eastern while bringing it into the community of nations will be a big deal especially for the nobel peace prize and a deal may be possible as long as no one makes wrong moves. >> benjamin netanyahu was invited to address congress on iran and netanyahu accepted. >> the white house is furious for the israeli leader for accepting house speaker john boehner's invitation. >> jon: i don't want to talk about how petty this thing is. when we talk about it, we'll have to talk about israel and whenever we do we get phone calls. let me just bring this out. (ringing) all right. it's already started. i've got a solution. let me just turn it off. it happens to have an off button. there you go. good.
1:16 am
now we can talk about this situation. where was i? netanyahu and boehner are i think going to undermine whatever progress in foreign policy -- (ringing) i turned this off. i -- okay. i'm just going to unplug it. i'm sorry. one of our closest for renne allies is taking sides with republicans against the democrat. >> dozens of house democrats talked about skipping the march 1 address by benjamin netanyahu. vice president biden is one of those who said he will not commit to attending the prime minister's speech. >> democrats could be caught in the mid toll support the president or a u.s. ally. >> jon: great feet under that clip. that truly is a puzzle of biblical proportions. should we or should we not attend. i'm reminded or a former situation.
1:17 am
when failed of the seemingly imrobl problem of one baby claimed by two mothers he proposed a simple solution, cut the baby in half so they did. the woman each took their half baby home. now the half babies both grew up to be fine young men, one smainld schmoo and became a renowned hat maker, the other moisha opened a kicking factory. (laughter) i actually never finished reading the story (laughter) but regardless of whether biden shows up inoy his boss is definitely taking a rain check on this one. >> i'm declining to meet with him simply because our general policy is we don't meet with any world leader two weeks before their election. he needs to be far away enough from the election that it doesn't look like in some ways we're meddling or putting our thumbs on the scale. (laughter)
1:18 am
yes! yes! america doesn't want to meddle in a middle eastern nation's domestic politics! i mean, we don't do that! unless, obviously, a country wanted to nationalize its own oil industry or looks like it wants to align with a superpower or, or, or, or send prisoners to their country or next to a country we want to spy on or fight with or -- aside from these very rare instances -- (laughter) -- we do not meddle many middle eastern nations. besides netanyahu doesn't need our meddling to win the election. he's already winning the internet. >> a campaign ad from prime minister benjamin netanyahu that has now gone viral -- >> jon: viral! usually that's reserved for cat shenanigans or skate board fails or the ever rare scad board
1:19 am
shananafail! this ad must be epic. ♪ (speaking in foreign language) >> is ma the baby sitter? baby sitter. (laughter) >> jon: number one i'm surprised the hebrew word for baby sitter is baby sitter. but it's a pun i get it! he's a baby sitter but his name is bibi so he's a bibi sitter. turns out jews can't be funny in every country. oh son of a bitch! we'll be right back! how is that working?
1:20 am
there comes a time in everyone's life when you want more. like a new meticulously engineered german sedan. finely crafted. exactingly precise. desire for such things often outpaces one's means. until now. hey matt, new jetta? yeah. introducing lots of new. the new volkswagen jetta. isn't it time for german engineering?
1:21 am
no taxation, without... yes, yes, we hear you on the tax thing... but, what if it were free to file your taxes? like free-free? you'd pay nothing. well, alright then.
1:22 am
alright then back it up. so maybe that's not exactly how it went down but you can file on turbo tax for absolutely nothing. intuit turbo tax. it's amazing what you're capable of. this- is your new wallet. no. really. you can now use your capital one card with apple pay to buy this that... or a few pairs of these-all from your iphone 6 instantly. it's easy. honestly- it's pretty awesome. and when you have the capital one wallet app you can keep track of all your purchases. see what i mean? awesome. what's in your wallet? crispy m&m's® are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's® are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) good, they're back.
1:23 am
1:24 am
(cheers and applause) >> jon: my guest tonight, his show is call better, call saul. >> actually it's getting arrested that makes people look guilty even the innocent ones and innocent people get arrested every day and they find themselves in a little room with a detective who act like he's their best friend. talk to me, he says. help me clear this thing up. you don't need a lawyer, only guilty people needs lawyers and boom! that's when it all goes south. that's when you want somebody in your corner somebody to buying the tooth and nail. lawyers, we're like health insurance. hope you never need it but, man, oh man, not having it, no! >> jon: welcome back to the program, bob odenkirk! (cheers and applause)
1:25 am
>> what's going on, man? >> jon: this is insane! this is insane. >> jon: you're a leading man -- >> well i went to leading man school. it was actually a driving school, leading man school double thing. so i got a ticket. i could have gone to pizza traffic school but went to leading man traffic school. >> jon: that was a smart move. i don't know what happened. it was on a show called "breaking bad" and that was crazy good. >> jon: crazy! out of the clear blue, i get a phone call mix agent says they're going to offer you a part on a show don't say no. and i'm, like, i'm not saying no to good parts! and, so, did breaking bad and phenomenon and vince and peter
1:26 am
had an idea for this show and went and i'm, like, if you guys want to do it, i'm there. >> jon: first of all, i love your lack of enthusiasm. it's great. it's the hallmark of actor. >> it's the hallmark of the jaded show business guy who's been told it's going to happen too many times. >> jon: you know, here's what's so great about it, i've known you for so many years -- >> you don't know us two walking around as a village, -- >> jon: 3:00 in the morning we had nothing! that wouldn't sell us food, remember? we had american money! we had american money in a bagel shop which is my home turf. no! get out you bums! get out of here! come back when you have a show! (laughter) >> i was a writer on "saturday
1:27 am
night live." >> jon: yes. (applause) >> i was actually younger at the time. >> jon: yeah. and we'll see each other doing standup. i would do standup so i could get laughs somewhere in the world. and i have a picture of that time. do you have a picture of this? this is young me and a young -- >> jon: oh, my god, is that smigal and conan o'brien back when we were starting out at s.n.l. that's when you and i knew each other pretty wall and saw each other pretty often. >> jon: i don't remember the pleated aspect of your pants in there (laughter) >> it's a little weird. >> jon: and here's what i believe now. i believe that may have been why we didn't get served in restaurants. i think it was the puffiness of the pants. but to watch someone you always think is brilliant from the get-go work hard, do all this stuff and then land in this amazing position is -- i just feel wonderful for you. i think it's so exciting. and people are generally excited about this show.
1:28 am
>> i'm thankful for that because i think that's because breaking bad ended too soon. >> jon: yes. and if i had gone exhausting people like many shows do, then i don't think i would feel like many do. they're open to see it and eager to see it and open-minded about what it could be. >> jon: obviously, we've known each other a long time. youit was weird when you said, beat it into the ground, in the show, and you were looking at me. you said they did it and got out at the right time and -- >> you didn't get the message yet? when i winked, did that help? >> jon: you winked, and i went -- (laughter) how much of this is shot -- it's already picked up, yes? >> yeah, they picked us up a second season after a couple of weeks of shooting and i think they thought wow, they were on to something. i hope that's the reason. so we're going to shoot more.
1:29 am
but we have ten episodes and they're starting sunday, then monday is the second episode. >> jon: starts off sunday and monday. >> starts sunday and they wanted to give everybody the second episode quick plus it's kick ass with guns and is crazy. and then we'll be on monday night. >> jon: this is like the thornbirds. this is like roots. you're in the new roots! (laughter) >> sorry, roots. (laughter) >> jon: well, i can't wait for it. i know it's got to be overwhelming but i'm so excited for you. great to see you. never stop working on everything else! two-night premiere this sunday monday night, 10:00, amc, bob
1:30 am
with rollover data, the data you don't use this month rolls over to the next month. and i don't have to do anything? not a thing, mobile share value customers get it automatically. it's how we show appreciation. you know i really appreciate that you appreciate me as a customer. and we appreciate how much you appreciate us appreciating our customers. and i appreciate that you appreciate that. and i appreciate you appreciating that. i appreciate that. aaaahhhh. introducing at&t rollover data. the data you don't use rolls over to the next month. all on the network with the nation's strongest lte signal. ♪ [acoustic folk guitar] ♪robin hood and little john walkin' through the forest♪ ♪laughin' back and forth at what the other'ne has to say.♪
1:31 am
♪ ♪reminiscin', this-'n'-thattin' havin' such a good time♪ ♪oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally golly, what a day.♪ ♪ ♪never ever thinkin' there was a danger in the water♪ ♪they were drinkin', they just guzzled it down.♪ ♪never dreamin' that a schemin' sherrif and his posse♪ ♪was a-watchin' them an' gatherin' around.♪ ♪robin hood and little john runnin' through the forest♪ ♪jumpin' fences, dodgin' trees an' tryin' to get away.♪ ♪ ♪contemplatin' nothin' but escape an' fin'lly makin' it.♪ ♪oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally golly, what a day♪ ♪oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally golly, what a day♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ around the world around the clock.
1:32 am
in defense of all we hold dear back home. america's navy. ♪ your favorite taco bell treat... ...is now a coffee. we'll give you a second to drink that in. introducing new cinnabon delights coffee from taco bell. treat yourself. and get four free cinnabon delights with purchase. ♪
1:33 am
♪ >> jon: hey! that's our show. before we go recently, we had an opportunity to contribute to this program called "mission continues." it's this incredible program for returning veterans that brings them back from afghanistan iraq and allows them to continue to serve through these fellowships in their communities and take that amazing asset that is the veterans community and translate it back into helping out and still allowing them to serve. it's really an incredible program. we ran a contest through this
1:34 am
site where anybody could donate i think like $10 billion, a lottery to win a trip to new york and be interviewed her on the program by some asshole. i'm sorry. i should have said me. (laughter) the winner was a fine young man by the name of paul dorso. here is his interview with your moment of zen. >> affirmative or negative. of raising the minimum-wage? yeah. negative. boom, done, you start. well you're the affirmative, you start. >> you start anyway ♪ (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: tonightly. we're talking genetically engineered babies. who's terrified and who is just a cute little baby? we'll ask the questions. who get to play god? sorry, morgan free man, we're going white

47 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on