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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 12, 2015 6:25pm-6:57pm PST

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. on the show tonight my guest tonight the great actor colin firth is going to be joining us. but before we get started i did want to ask you a quick question. i was perusing the internet and i guess my question to you is did i die?
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(laughter) cuz it all seems very i died. (laughter) no very weird. an overwhelming day here as you can imagine. and people have been asking and i'm not exactly sure what-- and i'm in the trying to brag but some offers have been coming in. >> even fast-food chain arby's got in on the fun tweeting jon, feel free to reach out to us at careers careers@arby's.comful (cheers and applause) >> jon: you know what actually, you know what i guess my only question would be if i work there would i have to handle serve touch, eat or even look at what you
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so generously describe as food? that's-- that's right, arbies this [bleep] ain't over. i do not accept your peace offer. we shall always be enemies. for while you are a worthy adversary you will be-- arby's come for the tweets run from the meat. (laughter) (cheers and applause) they're very nice people and i think i may have had some when i was younger. it's truly an invented beef. you know what i am saying. now obviously we prepared a show tonight. lower your expectations. but let's get right to it as you know our country has been making very positive strides on lgbt equality but
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don't worry kansas is trying to fix that. >> in kansas governor brownback has issued an executive order to remove legal protection for gay lesbian and transgender employees. that means state workers can now legally be fired harassed or denied a job based on sexual orientation and gender identity. >> jon: there you go in kansas it was not legal for state employees to be fired or harassed because they were gay. governor sam brownback thought, i need to rectify that. i can get in trouble for firing or harassing a lesbian? this cannot stand. and it being kansas, i guess brownback clicked his heels three times and said there is no place like homophobia. you know-- (applause) >> i got to have, we saw, we saw how the name santorum got redefined due to his position on gay rights. you are really telling me we can't do better with the
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almost already there name brownback? (cheers and applause) come on internet! of course it isn't all bad news for gay people living in states where you might not expect them to be. >> same sex couples began getting licences in alabama after a federal judge two weeks ago struck down a state ban on gay marriage there. >> jon: great job, alabama. you know what this means? yes i get to put a quarter in the great job alabama jar. (laughter) (cheers and applause) now the state of alabama did ask the united states supreme court to grant a stay on any gay marriages while the decision is being appealed. >> just within the last couple of minutes the supreme court apparently by a vote of 7-2 declined to
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grant that stay. >> justices antonin and scalia and clarence thomas said today. >> omigodomigod, i know what they said. scalia and thomas are timely getting hitched. what will they wear? what is their couple name going to be. i'm going go with scalomas the sklarence thomatyn. antonim. claris tomatomanin. ninsi kbrrx t. skrom lee owes. antonio ban sklarence. claritin nonbrowsey. unless we're getting gay married isn't what thomas and scale qa said. >> justices antonin scalia and clarence thomas said today the supreme court should have granted alabama's request to put that ruling on hold.
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>> jon: melatoni. c chlamydia i'm shocked. the stay was not granted. unless you don't happen to have a supreme court justice who thinks he outranked the supreme court. >> chief justition moore of the all billiona court ordered the probate judges not to issue licenses. >> told them they didn't have to follow a federal judges ruling declaring the state's ban on same sex marriage unconstitutional. >> jon: huh. alabama official circumvend-- circumventing a federal ruling against minority right, he was thinking hey, that selma moviest was a hit. better start laying the groundwork for a sequel. >> judge moore is making an old state's rights case that article 6-- of the constitution refutes. >> you wouldn't happen to have other less legallish reasons to do this would you. >> i think the redefinition of the word marriage is not
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found within the powers designated to the federal government. did they stop with one man and one man or one woman and one woman, or do they go to multiple marriages. or do they go with marriages between men and their daughters or women and their sons. >> it's all in the judges book, a thousand and one things american equality will in no way impact but will scare the [bleep] out of me the actual chief justice of an american state in 2015. a long title that i really [bleep] as i was saying it. >> anyway, the point is this. this isn't about the unlickly possibility of some farroff future where people get married in groups. it's about real people whose lives are being affected by this right now. >> in mobile milton persinger faced a closed window. >> i should already be home celebrating but no, i'm sitting here wondering what in the world are these people thinking. >> oh well, i think the marred i grass sticker ons that closed window give you a sense of what those people are thinking. they are thinking we completely normal
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heterosexuals totally accept transforming the beginning of the christmas season of lent into a titbooby. bachanal but we can't allow you too gentleman to get married because that's wear. >> what? come on alabama. let's at least be honest about the real reason that you are doing this. >> conti probate office is not going to be in the marriage licence business all together. we decided to take ourselves out of that. we don't want to disappoint anybody but at the same time you've got those deeply held christian beliefs that i do. >> wait a minute. in the minds of the judges and clerk biblical law supersedes federal law. which reminds me what was that state constitutional amendment that alabama voters passed last year by a huge margin. >> some people refer to amendment one as the sharia law amendment. it would prohibit judges and other state officials from basing any of their
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decisions on foreign law. >> jon: hmmmm, where was the bible written again? (laughter) last time i checked ancient galilee is not-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: ancient galilee is not one of the 50 states. or even one of them territories that nobody knows about. which makes it foreign law. the kind of foreign law you explicitly banned from judicial decisions. you have [bleep] yourselves with your own statute. or as i hope it becomes to be known brownbacking. (cheers and applause) >> jon: we'll be right back.
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>> jon: oh, welcome back. you know i want to tell you kids today have so many questions why do the dog wag tails why does the upon follow us. what is the rush to be-- a lot of them are not today answer.
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and who should be answering them any what way. jord be klepper. >> las vegas this city sextopolis but besides being mark's number one pleasure dome families actually live here with children. some of whom wonder what the [bleep] this is and this and this. and some of the kids have recently been lobbying for improved sexual education in schools. >> i think sex ed is really important because we need to be able to make these healthy responsible and educated decisions about our own bodies. >> what have you had in sex ed. >> i didn't have any experience in sex ed because the sex ed case in my school wasn't offered. >> you turned out fine. >> no, actually i got two women pregnant in high school. >> sounds like are you an expert. >> what experience did you have from clas. >> my sex ed was basically this is why you shouldn't have sex because you're going end up pregnant. and then we'll watch the biggest losers. >> that show isn't about sex why do you think they are
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losing all that weight,. >> i would rather learn about what i need to know so i can stay safe. >> as these students challenge their primarily abstinent-based curriculum they faced resistance and while this debate continues in the clark county school board, the battle rages across the country. concerned parent and author susan paton. >> i think that sex education in schools at any grade frankly i'm opposed to. sex education is something that should be taught by parents to their children. >> i'm sorry i was thinking about my mom teaching me about your clitoris. >> are you all right over there. >> vomited in my mouth a little bit. >> they're not experts but they can speak from their own experience. >> okay. >> but these kids think vomit-inducing parental chats aren't the solutions. >> parents only so know so much. >> parents aren't always there. parents are busy parents have jobs. >> maybe you're not old enough to have your questions answered. >> by graduation clark county school district students, about 60% of them have already engaged in
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sexual intercourse. >> and that is just the ones that admit it. >> not a lot of people include oral sex and anal sex. >> okay chill. nobody wants to talk about these facts. it's uncomfortable. >> we do. >> would you rather be uncomfortable for a short talk or would you rather be uncomfortable for a lifetime because you have aids. >> whoa. these are students who want knowledge. >> they really want knowledge, because they really want sex. >> you think sex education is the same thing as sex. >> i think students want sex not sex ed. >> we are not just hornee teenagers. we have real questions. >> really, like what. >> questions is hpv transmit bl-- trans-- transmitable by other means than sexual intercourse. >> these are questions parents know the answer to. >> no. >> i don't know. >> is hpv transmitable by other means than intercourse? >> i have no idea. i have to look it up. >> or call the doctor and
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ask him. >> okay. >> doug. >> what are the best ways to stem the transmission of herpeeses. >> i have no idea. >> can you get a butt pregnant. >> are you asking me whether pregnancy can be achieved through anal sex . >> that is what these kids were asking. >> they are asking or you are asking. >> they are asking it-- can that happen? >> thankfully this is one of those questions that has a simple answer. the answer is no. >> thank god. >> definitely not. >> no you cannot. >> i will be sure to tell them. >> but even as parents just don't understand, susan has another solution. >> if it is that awkward for parents to talk to their children about sexual behavior, they have to find a web site that your child, in front of it and say google it. look it up yen line. >> don't i think what you are describing right now is terrible parenting? >> well i think that it's -- -- --. >> zurp el, you kids want answers just google s-e -- >> well that is a --
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>> but if the unfiltered web going to teach our youth, it was up to me to fix the internet so kids get ready for-- the wolf of fall street. >> hello. >> starring-- and me. >> things in here are a little dirty. >> leo -- hardo decockrio in the most-- porn ever. >> it will get you off. >> you had me at cervical cap. >> of unsafe sex. >> a fantastic way of transmitting sexual infections. >> all your sex ed fantasies come true, right kids. >> no. >> when you are-- are you not thinking about birth control or condoms. >> okay, fine maybe porn and education don't mix but susan says confused teenagers everywhere still have options. >> well if you are honestly confused, they should probably seek advice from their house of worship their cleric their rabbi. >> there is your answer
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kids. presenting sex 101. >> -- when she is in need hoy. >> that's an education. (cheers and applause) >> we'll be right back ♪ you know that feeling you get when you save money on parts without having to jump through any hoops, track points, or make a bunch of extra trips to the store...? ♪ yeah, that's the one. introducing speed perks from advance auto parts. a rewards program for for guys who love getting under the hood. no cards. no points. no nonsense. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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manners. make it. man. you know what that means? please welcome back to the program colin firth. (cheers and applause) what's happening?
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you hit that guy in the head with a-- from your cane, i means that's-- that's no [bleep] that's some serious like you are up set. you are kicking butt. >> i'm teaching him manners. >> jon: i understand. you are an exceptional manners teacher in this film. you teach hundreds of people manners. >> the english do like to enforce their sense of politeness. >> jon: it's the only way to keep things orderly. >> it is. >> jon: in some regards. i have to tell you. very-- did you enjoy the process of hurting people. >> in some instances, for no reason whatsoever? >> you didn't see the settup there. it's not fair. >> jon: i did. you decided not to split the bill they got mad.
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you hit the guy in the headway beer mug and that is the end of the thing. >> and you think that's no reason. no i-- no, well i did enjoy it-- basically i met the director about a year before we started shooting. he warned me it was going to hurt. and-- . >> jon: . >> i was the only one who received physical punishment. all the thugs you see being dispatch product very very nice guys, there to help me look as if-- . >> jon: are you telling me films are in some ways fictional reality. >> no, no, no. i'm not here to spoil things. but --. >> jon: . >> jon: film is very different than television. i have been here for 16 years. and so i made that announcement. but now i have there's all this time. like you say like we're
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getting a thesaurus so roll over and go to sleep. but on a film you wouldn't do that 30 days in and go you know i'll be leaving this film at the end. you know it's not like that. >> well no because most of the time you haven't felt like you have been work anywaying really. >> jon: on the film. >> no. you have to go back to the real world and that is when the work stops. things like parenting. you are going to have to face that. >> jon: let me ask you a question about that. how do you do that? because i'm going have to start doing that too. >> i don't know because i'm on the film set. i have been avoiding the issue. >> jon: that is so smart. do you think, you can help me with this. from now on until the end i think, do i-- i probably-- it will normalize after a couple of weeks maybe but the first little bit of it i will have to talk about it because we're going to end up in this conversation. >> way but nobody is going to listen to you. >> jon: here is what is interesting. i don't think anybody has been. >> no, people have been. i found a tear in my eye
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this morning. >> jon: you found one? >> i found one. that is an english version of saying i'm emotional. >> jon: that is my favorite. >> it is not an easy thing. >> jon: but you made it like i reached into a pocket and i found a tear. >> no, it was here and i was surprised by the emotion that i felt. >> jon: we've been balling and hugging like crazy. everybody, make out everything, like crazy. >> i'm not that [bleep]fest up there. (cheers and applause) >> jon: . >> i should announce my retirement more often. >> jon: do you get emotional at the end of a film shoot. >> yes sometimes. >> jon: you do. >> many different forms. sometimes it's euphoria. and sometimes it's heartbreak. i missed the training on this i never imagined that in the first month when most people were averting their gaze. you know but no by the end
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of it all i wanted to do was-- i-- i'm not really kicking it. >> right. >> i was cast because i was the last-- if there is a lift of people least lakely to kick ass. i have been sitting at the top of that list for about 50 years. and that's why i was cast. >> jon: i think that is a new franchise. you know how there is a franchise kick ass you were least likely to kick ass, me and you in our underwearing watching -- >> exactly. >> jon: king's men, it is in the theaters on friday. will you come back and see us before we go because otherwise i have no way of getting in touch with you. >> yes. >> jon: colin firth everybody. (cheers and applause) double coverage? no problem. triple covered? yes, please. for a limited time at pizza hut get the triple cheese covered stuffed crust pizza. order a large for just $11.99. now that's game-changing flavor. only at pizza hut.
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>> jon: that's our show here it is your moment of zen. >> a variety of 50 shades valentine's gifts from handcuffs to a tuxedo tellee bear holding a minimouse
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dressed in a gras suit silver tie minimask and captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ look, eric mommy got you a present. a present?! is it a rocket racer?! no, let me guess. it's a frogman dave doll! no, wait, i know. it's a police power chopper! no, i got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow.

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