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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 13, 2015 2:06am-2:36am PST

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panelist? >> you know, hell yes i would like to have him. i have got -- i have a lot of keeping it real questions. if he comes in at 100 that would be a lot of fun. keep the good questions coming and don't forget the hashtag keep it 100 and tomorrow's show will be about the state of the union okay? you can ask me anything you want about president obamaly answer one question tomorrow night, okay? until then good night, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. that happened on youtube today. well, with much of the nation locked in the wintry chokehold of ice and snow, schools around the country were announcing snow
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days, and at least one principal decided there's no better way to get your message across than ♪ through song ♪ ♪ because it snowed so much last night ♪ ( laughter ) >> chris: you guys see him too, right? >> he's like a turtle poking out of the shell. what's happening! >> chris: that's matt glendenning doing his wickedly talented adele dazeem impression from disney's "frozen." notice there are no kids in the video because they had to cut music funding from school? wait a second, there are children featured. it's just when the children magically transports himself into their bedroom. ♪ when it snows you can stay in bed and sleep ♪
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>> it wasn't a dream! >> chris: oh, god-- just-- just pretend you're asleep until the chorus is over and his power weakens. just pretend you're asleep. now, i have to admit something. i did not see "frozen" because i was so-- and i love disney animated movies but i was so spunidated by that song. i'm sorry, maybe i'm the only person. i don't like that song. i just don't like it ( cheers and applause ) whenever it comes on i just feel a rage pulse slowly go up the back of my spine. and i can't let it go. by the way what kind of an asshole randomly breaks into song. i'm real sorry about this. a lot of people on the internet got real mad real mad. so so while grade schoolers got the day off, the winter weather
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turned some texas tech college students into activists. but not against militarization in the middle east or the u.s.'s ever-widening income gap. no, the protest was, "we built an 11-foot snow penis. please don't tear it down!" ( laughter ) >> no! >> no! no, no, no! no! >> chris: mr. gorbachev, tear down these balls! ( laughter ) ( applause ) oh! tear them down! i thing the snowplow operator of was a woman's studies major. >> if you reverse the video it's a good viagra ad, though, i think. >> chris: yes, you're not wrong. but i think my favorite part of the video is-- you probably couldn't hear it in the audience, but there's a guy at the end who goes "rebuild!"
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i'm sorry to break it to you, pal-- you have to wait about 20 minutes for that to go up again. >> you know what was really embarrassing was the guy who going to his tongue stuck to it. >> chris: no one summed up america's can-do attitude in the face of blizzard adversity quite like this intrepid hereee. i give you guy doing donuts in a snow plow. there we go! this is a serious situation." very serious situation. seriously slick donuts, brah. comedians, this driver knows how to grab the spotlight. what do you think he was yelling inside his plow? jim norton, go. >> just because i'm the pope doesn't mean i don't like to drink and drive. >> chris: jon roy go. >> siri, i am turning right! >> chris: all right. ( applause ) kurt. >> his pants are just around his
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ankles like show nothing donuts. >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight." welcome to thai. tonight's comedians are, from opie radio sirius xmall the way from the west coast today, jim norton. i almost kind of feel like dicks because you can walk outside and it's basic likely short-sleeved weather and your hometown is basically buried in ice. >> ( bleep ) i'm so happy. from the "don't ever change" podcast on feral audio performing at wiley's comedy club in dayton, ohio, january 29-31, john roy! ( applause ) from "roustabout," season one
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available now on cc.com, it's kurt braunohler. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you very much. >> chris: wearing a very sharp button-down today on the program. >> i also have my roustabout shirt on, too. >> chris: oh, do you? >> oh, yeah. 500 ghosts plus 1000 chickens equals jet skis chris. >> chris: nice. we talked about this on the show before you jet skied down the mississippi river to raise money for charity. >> that is correct and then we turned it into a tv show for comedy central and you can go see it right now! routabout. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." ( cheers and applause ) guys now it's very rare we discuss politics on this program. but sometimes i feel so strongly about a candidate that i just have to speak out. earlier today, noted public figure tauheed epps also known
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as 2 chainz. also known as tity boi. and hairweavekiller. blew up social media with plans to running for the mayor of college park, georgia. why are you whooing. you don't live there. do you actually live there? >> yes! >> chris: you actually live in college park, georgia. well, say hello to your potential new mayor. now, when you go to vote for him, just remember that his campaign slogan might be something like along the lines of: "2 chainz got them starin' at my necklace. let's make a sex tape and put it on netflix." ( applause ) it's kind of-- it's kind of like the gettysburg address. when you really think about it. ( laughter ) give us a campaign slogan for the future hizzonor, jim norton.
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>> give me liberty or give me probation. >> chris: yes, points points. john. >> more dope than rob ford college park get on board for a pussy smorgasbord. >> chris: only a white guy pretending to be a black guy would use the word "smorgasbord." >> you're right, you know, chris. i mean-- >> chris: kurt. >> obama gave you change, i will give you 2 chains. >> chris: oh, nice. that brings me to the end of "rapid refresh." it's now time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." ( applause ) instagram and facebook may have crashed temporarily. but not before east coast-based celebrities had a chance to post pics and videos of thenselves braving the blizzard. vanessa hudgens instagrammed
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this equal parts artsy and adorable video. >> it's snowing. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: by the way she's the only meteorologist who gave us accurate weather. ( applause ) so thanks vanessa. comedians, tonight's hashtag #snowycelebrities, examples might be freeze witherspoon or 2 chains for your rear tires. i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock. kurt. >> bundles up cumberbatch. >> chris: points. john. >> pierre shrink lage. >> chris: points. kurt. >> gwyneth plow-trow. >> rain the rock salt johnson. >> bilbo to bogons. >> little orphan annie freeze. >> chris: jim. >> edward snowden. >> chris: yes points.
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john. >> chilly bob thornton. >> jack black ice. >> chris: points. >> bill brrrr. >> chris: points. that's the end of the "#hashtagwars." well played, gentlemen. send us your hashtag to us "@midnight" to keep the game going. our tweet of the night from last night's "#hashtagwars" was sent to us by @alecmapa.
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." i will be doing stand-up comedy february 27 at the athenaeum theater in chicago and on march 13 at the pageant in st. louis.
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for tickets and tour info, go to funcomfortabletour.com. it's now time to play "selfie esteem: gym edition." i mean, why even go to the gym if you don't post a selfie to show everyone you go to the gym? i've got to be honest, i actually did that once. ( laughter ) i'm a hypocritical douchebag. comedians i'm going to show you some self-absorbed fit-pics, and for 250 points, you give me their inner monologue. first up, this human chunk of beef jerky. >> that radioactive gay guy in the shower has given me strange powers. >> chris: points. points. kurt. >> i'm a veiny bag of walnuts. >> chris: points. ( applause )
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>> i'm like a steroid bobblehead. next one: this spread-eagled gym rat in sexy leggings. >> you were all over that one, you're like, i'm in! ig-- >>ior r wants you look at crotch.>> it's kegel exercises like this that enable me to crush a man! >> chris: points, you gotta do them. >> that's a useful skill. by the way, bro you don't have to hash tag every ( bleep ) word. hashtag jim selfie, hash tag calves hash tag gym rat, hash tag gym mode, hash tag fit freak, hash tag motivated, hash tag focus, hash tag driven, hash tag, you should not be on
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instagram. you have to hash tag every ( bleep ) word. ( applause ) hashtag my brothers don't call me anymore for some reason. ( laughter ) next one, this barb are a leg for an arm. yes, jim? >> come here, boy. momma has some peanut butter for you. ( applause ) >> chris: points. john. >> hi, do you have a moment to talk about joseph smith and the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. >> chris: points. also i have some peanut butter. ( laughter ) that bring us to the end of "selfie esteem: gym edition." it's time for our next game "color me bad."
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coloring book corruptions is a delightful web site that shows us what happens when children's coloring books fall into the hands of the internet's huge population of artistic perverts. i will show you book and you tell us how it gets corrupted. here's the first one, grover. grover summoning demon or serenading a sex party. >> serenading a sex party! >> no. it's summoning a demon. >> that could turn into a sex party real fast. all they have to do is sit on those candles. ( laughter ) is harry potter tripping on mushrooms with hagrid or-- in
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true internet flash pic style getting buggered by ron wesly. >> for the sake of my erection i hope it's getting buggered by ron weasley. >> chris: and you your boner both get points. there you go. >> chris: i think that's-- i think it's-- i think that's 69 points. >> i'll go with hairy. >> sounds like jane lynch. ( laughter ) >> chris: 100 points for jim norton. >> chris: is this young lady assaulting a dog or flashing a trout? >> oooh flashing a trout because it would be redundant.
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>>redundant. >> chris: no she's-- assaulting a dog. >> that's about to turn into japanese pornography. >> chris: yes! about to turn into? >> ( bleep ) that dog. that's the end of "color me >> it's time for our live challenge "mario, a.i.." if you ever felt sorry for mario. don't. he's not a good plumber and he is dating the most kidnappable princess in the world. he can't feel anything-- not barrels, not allergies to morningy fur, not fearing not love, he's just a pixilated sociopath. or is he? yes, he is. but a team of german cognitive scientists have reprogrammed the classic gameboy game "super marrio advance" to endow the beloved plumber with cutting edge artificial intelligence allowing him to listen, speak, and even experience emotions. finally, marrio will be able to empathize with donkey kong as an
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endangered species and also be able to really appreciate those mushrooms. ( laughter ) comedians, i want you to tell me marrio's first words upon becoming self-aware. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight." ( cheers and applause ) can a truck change how people feel about a guy? we talked to real people, not actors. we showed them two pictures of the same guy in the same location. the only difference... the vehicle behind him. the guy with the truck would definitely have like a german shepherd dog... i mean come on. a tarantula. a rattle snake. what kind of pet would this guy have? maybe like some birds. you know you want a truck. the all new chevy colorado. motor trend's 2015 truck of the year. ♪
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hydration... ...where you least expect it. schick hydro. now with shave oils, the hydrating gel works with skin guards to reduce friction, stroke after stroke. our best shave for your skin. schick hydro. free your skin. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i told you about an experiment designed to make nintendo's world-famous plumber mario self-aware, and i asked you to tell me his first words upon becoming sentient. let's see what you wrote. >> it's me, mario i am a guard now, good-bye. and just retreats.
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>> chris: john roy. >> mama mia i'm a... >> chris: jim norton. >> if i'm italian, why isn't my shirt shinier? ( applause ) ( cheering ) >> chris: 1,000 for john, 250 for kurt as we jump to our next game, "life hacks." "life hacks." 1,000 life hacks is a site that features tons of great tips on ways to simplify your life hacks, otherwise known as life hacks, guys. some real examples are: as soon as you feel the itch of a mosquito bite, rub a glue stick on it. or roommate's phone alarm going off? call their phone. it will turn it off. now, those are good life hacks. comedians, i want you to come up with as many bad life hacks as you can. >> if at first you don't succeed, you're probably using
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too much teeth. >> chris: points. kurt. >> parakeet screeching too much? try drowning it. >> money doesn't buy happiness but it does buy cocaine which leads to happiness. >> chris: kurt. >> pants too loose grow a boner. >> one things cops respect is your pig impression is there jim. >> if you don't have anything nice to say you're probably my dad. >> chris: jim again. >> if you have an erection lasting more than four hours, picture nancy grace dying in a fire. it will last for eight. >> chris: points. john. >> want to show those high school bullies. >> chris: that brings us to the end of "life hacks." john roy, you are in third place, but you played an excellent game today, my friend. do you have any-- do you have
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any last words before we-- >> thanks chris. >> chris: red light! that means it's time to make amend. it's "for the win." the taiwanese government enacted new laws that punish parents who let their kids stare at a screen too long like this asshole right here. the new law treats addiction to gadgets the same as smoking drinking, and taking drugs. so, comedians, since kids are finally getting the help they need, i want you to imagine you're a nine-year-old recovering from being all hopped up on ipads and make amends to the people in your life who you've hurt with your gadget addiction. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, i will read your answers out loud and you decide who is the winner. before the break, i told you about the taiwanese government's crackdown on parents who let their kids get all hopped up on gadgetry, and i asked you to make amends as a nine-year-old who's gotten clean of his gadget addiction. let's see what you wrote. ( applause ) ( cheering )
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