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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 26, 2015 1:04am-1:36am PST

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ce my brother, dad. - what? - i believe this makes us even. - uh, i believe i asked you for a lifetime subscription to pizza, so... - well, then i will just go ahead and take this to somebody else. - no, no, we're cool. we're good. we're good. we're even. - okay? hey, guys. i just wanted to let you know that i get it. i totally get it about the demamps. they do everything just a little different, and so did gramps i'm sure you know-- the sculptures. you haven't see-- have you seen the sculptures? yeah, because i had them destroyed. it's very dark stuff extremely disturbing. anyhoo, i guess it's about time to, you know get this bitch-ass party started! - oh, yes. - whoa. - that did not seem natural. but, i mean, you steal a dead husband and ladies go wild, right? - you think she'd be into me? only one way to find out. party time! - hey! it's a party time! - yeah, come on, blue knight! yeah! - i love funerals!
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- ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ - nice. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey. welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good show. my guest tonight, conan o'brien. he's going to be joining us later on. first, as many of you know, i'm going to be leaving the show here to join a monastery. someone are the me know the actual definition of a moment of zen is more satisfying than a four-6-second clip of a reporter somewhere tripping over their dick. my anowments of leaving did not go unnoticed.
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>> jon stewart's surprise announcement. >> 16 years as host of the "daily show." now he's stepping aside. >> i don't think overall he's been a force for good because i think especially in his later years he got a little nasty. >> jon: a little nasty! not a force for good! okay, i can handle pathat. ( laughter ) but megyn "in his later years." ( laughter ) i am only 52. i got four to five productive years left, and then about 10 to 15 that with mostly ehhh. and then i guess, you know, the last four or five angry, confused years, or as they're sometimes referred to, the fox news viewer demo years. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know what, i'm just kidding. it's all good. everybody's entitled to their opinion.
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>> what he added to our political discourse was largely sarcasm, insults, and dishonest editing. >> you know it's clearly selective editing of clips. >> i can speak personally to a lot of the attacks that were levied on me had no footholds in the facts. dishonest and no foothold in the fact? you have casted aspertions upon my honor! ( laughter ) and i demand satisfaction! ( laughter ) i challenge you, fox news to a lie-off. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) your distortions and lack of fact footholds against mine. to start us off here are 50 of
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yoursyours in six seconds. ( clock ticking ) ( laughter ) plenty more where that came from. only have a 22-minute show. actually just go to the web site and puruse each lie at your leisure. you see, something of a conventional wisdom about this show has taken hold on the right a thought they've become so comfortable with they don't even feel the need to offer evidence to support it, that we lie and distort things all the time to make them look bad. it's perhaps best summed up by this fella here. >> jon stewart has help to polarize the country by poisoning the republican brand. oh yes "n"." >> jon: poisoning the republican brand! ( laughter ) you're talking about this brand right here. >> the college co-ed susan fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex. what does that make her? it makes her a shut right?
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>> if any race of people should not have guilt about slavery it's caucasians. obama's entire economic program is reparations. >> he is moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. this is really shameless of michael j. fox. >> jon: we poisoned that brand. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just out of curiosity, let me ask you a question-- and i mean this sincerely-- how do you poison a cyanide factory? ( laughter ) but see the little game that they play here is the only reason the right looks bad is that these guys are unfair liars. by the way, that sentiment is brought to you by arby's. jon stewart cannot destroy a brand by telling people whose in
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it. my point is-- ( laughter ) we don't lie. we don't distort. we actually have a fellow who works in the building who uses every fiber of his being to prevent us from doing so. that moral bastard! that-- >> jon. >> jon: what? >> actually, my parents were married so technically i'm not a bastard. >> jon: fine! it just was a figure of speech! the point is on the right they're pretending that our toothfulness is what's really important to them which ironically is not true. what matters to the right is discrediting anything that they believe harms their side. that's their prime directive. and unlike captain kirk, they ( bleep ) stick with the prime directive. they don't just drop the prot colany time they feel like humping a green girl in a unitarred. look this mission drives their attack on all the institutions
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that form the foundation of the country they purport to love so dearly. >> our vague and very broken government got bigger and more broken. >> americans already suffering in a broken education system. >> teachers suggesting america is evil. >> america's election system, broken. >> science itself seems a little bit corrupt. there's a lot of agendas involved. >> voter fraud is rampant. >> jon: and pra, pray tell, is wrong with these institutions. >> are liberals ignoring science to push their agenda? >> the liberal left trying to destroy too many good things about our country. >> cure the cancer of liberalism that has america on her knees. >> jon: on her knees! ( bleep )! all of our liberal dicks! all of them! each institution suffering from the same malady of liberalism and what can be done? this is their genius. they purport to want to fix things but conservatives are not look to make education more
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rigorous and informative. or science more empirical or verifiable. or voting more representative. or the government more efficient or effective. they just want all those things to reinforce their partisan ideological conservative viewpoints. because in their minds the opposite of bad isn't good. the opposite of bad is conservative. the opposite of wrong isn't right. well okay, but you get my point! it's right wing. they judge solely on the level of conservative content in everything. it's their only litmus test even stupid ( bleep ). >> if you thought "american sniper" success and hollywood was getting less liberal, you didn't see the oscars last night. >> the megahit snubbed on sunday night at the oscars. >> clint eastwood, yeah, he spoke up for the republican party. we don't like him. we'll make a point. >> is clint eastwood the problem with "american sniper" because he was at the r.n.c., talking to the chair? >> probably. >> jon: clint eastwood has
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been a conservative icon under years. oscar has awarded him for best picture. they made the movie in the first place and nominated for best picture. fine hollywood didn't give best picture to "american sniper" so they must hate america. no they didn't even give best picture to the best picture. for god's sake if oscar nominations were based on liberal street cred-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) you can stream it on itune and it's available on blu-ray as st. patrick's day gift. ( laughter ) and you know the saddest part of all this? republicans, conservatives are so ( bleep ) relentless in their drive for ideological purity, that those institutions they complain about continue to cave for the same reason i guess that
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you always seem to end up going to the restaurant the four-year-old wants to go to. fine! we're going to get fribbles again! just stop crying! 15 states have approved voter i.d. laws in the abs sense of evidence of fraud. abstinence is approved sex education, and scientific fact isn't reported now. it's debated. so let's just stop. let's stop pretending that these concessions to the right will at any point say the sate the beast. >> what do you make of pope francis. >> he has statements that to me sound lebl has taken me aback. ( laughter ). >> jon: the pope isn't conservative enough for these people. ( laughter ) so let's just stop giving in to them. guys, take it from someone who's been watch what they do for a blessedly almost-over 16 years
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or so. they're chronically angry war for ideological purity where every aspect of life becomes a two-dimensional battle for america's soul it ages you. even watching it is killing me. ( laughter ) this was me at the start of tonight's show. ( laughter ) and if you think that's a lie, i've got a vine video i want to show you. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) [bell rings] you're not mr. craig. yeah, i'm confused where's mr. craig? well, i'm sorta mr. craig. we're both between 35 and 45 years old. we both like to save money on car insurance. and we're both really good at teaching people a lesson. um, let's go. cool. sit down! alright. sorta you, isn't you. only esurance has coveragemyway.
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it helps make sure you only pay for what's right for you not someone sorta like you. i think i blacked out from fear... did we ask him where mr. craig was? we did. esurance. backed by allstate. click or call. the secret to a great night out... beer meat and cheese. oh, and great friends to share them with. introducing the new bar snacks & apps menu. nothing makes you want to show up to the party sooner, stay out later or one up louder. get a lot more bang, for a lot less buck. new bar snacks start under $5 and they're only at applebee's. i really admire my mother. despite what people said she bought me a sewing machine and she let me play with dolls and that was something that was kind of growing up culturally, it was quite unacceptable and she really dared to let me be different. [thunder and rain]
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displ welcome back. time now for a little government accountability check-in. who is up. >> aaron shock has been asked a lot of questions after redecorating his capitol hill office street in the style of the pbs tv series "downton abbey." >> jon: the guy loves a little early 19s english aesthetic. what's the problem? >> so who's paying for it all? >> jon: oh right. which brins us to our new segment "pride goeth before the fall." now, shock's defense in decor-gate was as dignified as his wallpaper. >> you know taylor swift said haters are gonna hate. ( laughter ) >> jon: true. but also auditors are going to audit indierts are going to indict and voters are going to vote. but the do you wanton outcry led to a closer examination of sheik accounting and it turns out he's been spending money on a lot
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more than throw pillows. >> according to investigation by the a.p., the illinois congressman spent more than $40,000 flying on private planes. >> he also reportedly took his interns to an out-of-state katy perry concert last june. two months later, records reveal a nearly $2,000 expense from stubhub the pac reportedly spent $1400 on a massage parlor for fund-raising events. >> jon: a fund-raising event at a massage parlor. what was called for our children's future, too many reach-arounds? now traditionally finding proof of a public figure's misdeeds requires a news organization to launch a massive investigation apparatus, deep off-the-record, deep late-night dumpster diving. that's how of not how it works in 2015. >> congressman enjoys taking selfies of himself and posting it on instagram, and he did it around the country, and the a.perform was able to find out where he was geographically and what he was doing.
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>> jon: instagram. a.p. used the same sophisticated sleuthing technique i used when a my writer claimed he was sick with the ovarian cysts when i found out he was at the lobster festival stuffing his mouth two hoff pounders. i'm on to you matt kof, if! by the way, awares that bib to work every day. not only when eating lobsters. congressman we're fair people. we'll reserve "j" on you until we see these instagrams. but let's see the instagrams. >> i'm doing the tango on the street of buenos aires to doing the 80 tv yeah shot, catching waves in waikiki. >> parasailingsailing in argentina. >> jon: what the? that's so-- ( laughter ) holy ( bleep )! how did that get here! where did this mountain dew come
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from? i guess just from watching it. remember that whole-- remember that whole pride thing i was talking about. congressman shock if you have an instagram, everything you're doing, they might not have busted you. while shock is raising eyebrows in the media, the instagram community is loving this one commenter wrote my congressman is like 1,000 years expoald never does stuff like this. you're the coolest. ( laughter ) all my congressman does is pass legislation, govern, and like wear shirts. he's so lame. ♪ haters gonna hate hate, hate ♪ while this may all be unethical i gotta admit it looks really fun to be this guy. live it up while you can. buddy as a wise woman once said-- well, i'll let her tell it. ♪ the band is gonna play play, play. ♪ and the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, baby. ♪ i'm just gonna shake shake, shake shake it off, shake it off ♪ >> jon: if this congress
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thing doesn't work out shake it off. you obviously would make an awesome travel channel host. we'll be right
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( cheers and applause ). >> jon: my guest tonight is the host of conan on tbs. >> this week. right? okay? we roll this together right? hello. this is the inspector. what's wrong with it? cubana. no no, no. congratulations, i had a baby. no? wow! ( laughter ) >> jon: please welcome conan o'brien. ( cheers and applause )
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>> where do i go, here? >> jon: how are you? >> thank you, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome! >> yes! hola! hola! you're fluent! incredible. >> jon: but you are fluent. >> i'm not really fluent. i have a pretty good eighth grade spanish that i have kept up over the years, and that served me well. we brought two of our writers who are fluent and we brought two of them to help us in cuba. >> jon: so conan went to cuba and shot a show there. >> an episode of my show. president obama announced that we were going to try and warm up relations a little bit with cuba. i thought this is my chance. i want to get in before "the view." ( laughter ) because you know they're honing in on this thing.
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and so we-- we got down there. we actually weren't sure we were going to get into the country because because we department make a lot of preparations. >> jon: sure. >> we weren't sure we were going to get into the country. we flew in. we were told we had the right papers. we showed up. there's no internet, so our phones didn't work. we got off the plane -- >> there is no internet at all. >> there is no internet. they do not want people freedom exchanging information, so there's no internet, which is very strange. we got off the plane. we walked in. we handed our papers to them. the guy looked at it our phones are dead and our plane is gone and the guy just looked at us and he said no. ( laughter ) and i didn't know what's going to happen now? are we going to get out? are we going to get in? what's going to happen? we wandered into a little building and there was an old television and it was playing "gilmore girls" in spanish. and i've never -- >> the only way to watch it. >> yeah. i've never felt more happy to see-- it was so-- and it was rory deciding, i'm going to quit
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yale or should i stay in yale? and i was enthrawld. i'm watching it in spanish. the parents are upset. the grandparents are upset. no one in cuba cared. no one was watching the tv. and then finally -- >> when you came in didn't anyone say -- >> no they do not know me? i was i.d.'d by-- i got in. our camera crew got in. what happened was i started walking around and started shooting in cuba. we didn't know how long we were going to stay. and immediately canadians, those damn canadians you all know what i'm talking about. the scourge of the world. no the the can neighborhoods started canadian tourists are there and tourists from europe -- >> isn't that the weird part. you go through this thing, you might get killed. you can't get in you have to show your papers. meanwhile, people from the entire rest of the world have been going there forever and are just like "oh hey."
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>> yeah, but it is a completely different world. it is a world that is frozen in time. my concept of this was i just want to go and meet the people. obviously, it's a politically challengerred situation, but i want to go and do my by-now tired stchick for these people and see if it is amuse glg they seemed to be quite taken. >> i learned to dance there. i learned to -- >> what dance did you learn? >> the rumba. the erotic rumba. >> jon: i think that's actually a vacuum cleaner. i'm pretty sure that's-- >> apparently it's both. apparently it is both. i learned-- i went to a rum factory, became intoxicated. made that at a cigar factory where 400 people work and they're artists. they make these beautiful cigars handmade, each one -- >> cigars, rum, and dancing, so basically it was a like a date night. >> it was-- it was a sophisticated spring break. >> jon: were they interested in-- once you said--
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did they smelt american ow or did they think-- did you try and pass? >> i thought i was from ireland. ( laughter ) they're like, "it's a leprechaun!" bob's big boy displ they know bob's big boy. >> yeah. >> jon: that's interesting. >> they are very interested in how the united states views them. the people are very interested in getting to know us, and us getting to know them. they're very eager for it. we had no government intervention. it was very sweet. i didn't want to be comedically snarky in any way. i did not want it to be that. i wanted it to be me, the joke is on me. i'm the fish out of water. i wanted to try to make them laugh and get to know the people and they were fantastic. >> jon: i really think it's going to be a love of the people. the government who the the hell cares. but the people i think are thirsting for that interaction. >> they are definitely thirsting for it. >> jon: when does it air?
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>> oh, it will never air. >> jon: what! >> i'm just waste yurg time. it's next week, wednesday, march 4, i think. anybody got an app? i think it's the 4th. i don't know, i'm jet lagged. oh, it's right there! you know what's crazy, as you asked me, i saw it right there. and i thought there's a reason you're leaving. ( laughter ) right there! >> jon: conan o'brien on tbs week night as 11:00 and the special airs march 4. conan o'brien. ( cheers and applause ) before earning enough cash back from bank of america to help pay for her kids' ice time. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time. and 2% back at the grocery store. even before she got 3% back on gas all with no hoops to jump through. katie used her bankamericard cash rewards credit card to stay warm and toasty during the heat of competition.
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cherry and vanilla. ♪ female vo: i actually have a whole lot of unused vacation days, but where am i gonna go? i just don't have the money to travel right now. i usually just go back home to see my parents so i can't exactly go globe-trotting. if i had friends to go with i'd go but i don't want to travel by myself. someday. male vo: there are no more excuses. find the hotel you want, and the flight you want, and we'll find the savings to get you there. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> and you're actually supposed to be here last week. put a very exciting event happened jiecialg that's right. i was supposed to be on the show last week but i was invited to the white house. >> jon: were you expecting him to take you into your confidence. conan, come over here.


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