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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 4, 2015 2:07am-2:40am PST

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and 2% back at the grocery store. even before she got 3% back on gas all with no hoops to jump through. katie used her bankamericard cash rewards credit card to stay warm and toasty during the heat of competition. that's the comfort of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you. ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: okay, that's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists, joy reid, bonnie macfarlane megan powers, and emma iannini. on tomorrow's show we'll be talking about the legalization of marijuana. so one year after colorado legalized it, how are things working out? tweet your questions about marijuana with the hashtag keep it 100. until then, good nightly, everyone. ( cheers and
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>> chris: it's 11:59: 59 seconds. this happened on today with a cam. today is one of america's most cherished national holidays. free pancake day at ihop. holy crap. wow. the internet was hog wild for hot cakes. check out this repeat customer. >> pancakes, pancakes, pancakes. chris: that's what you hallucinate when you eat too many pancakes. then he got hopped out of syrup and beat the crap out of elmo on hollywood boulevard. i have inspired this ditty from england. >> pancakes.
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[laughing] >> chris: i wonder why a rata man would be so hungry for pancakes? >> pancakes -- >> you only get a song like that from a rasta man orñi a fat man. >> chris: before you get too excitedñr remember there is no such thing as a freeñr pancake. let's read some fine print. there is a limit of win free short stack per guest this. is only valid for participating restaurants, dine in onlyñi while suppliesñr last. while suppliesçó last you're beep ihop. how do you run out of pancake supplies? what is that a jar of goop and a pan. i don't know about you. i don't want pancakes with a side of fine print. i say it's time we make this offer crystal clear. what are other freeñr pancake day
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descriptions? >> no crying while georgeing. >> you must beçó this wide to ride. >> chris: i likeñi it. jessica go. >> maybe wear a tee shirt that says i'm too cheap to buy 3 pancakes. >> chris: yes. >> part of the offerñi is you haveñi to skype withñi a third world country while you eat them. >> chris: no. let's startñi "@midnight." [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight'sñr comediansñi kevin smith. [ applause ] >> how are you doing mr. smith. >> it's been a tough tough two weeks. i lost my dog and a brother-in-law.
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it was tough. i thought do i come and make jokes. that's the point of living. i came to make jokes. >> good. >> come here.ñi come here. >> guess what it's pancake day. it's pancake day. >> nobody dies on pancake day. >> that's a line from like "die hard" or wesley snipes moving. i think diet hard. >> chris: oh, he came to play. a hundred points for kevin smith. nerdinews and the nerdist podcast jessica! >> at the world famous spinorama dome in hollywood -- matt mirah is here.
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people may or may not realize you have nothing to do with chappy. >> correct. hris: last night we had a release of nerdist on xbox. i was with my girlfriend lydia. matt did a favorite photobomb ever. here it is. it's -- >> you know -- >> alright. let's begin the program. right from today's internet headlines it's rapid refresh. >> when you think of video games do companies like sony and microsoft come to mind? a trail blazing coming boner men inc has released a new game. what is this upcoming game.
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shower with your dad simulator. b, pregnant at prom. find a spot to ditch your newborn to enjoy the big day. c, theñi pergeñi perge. people are free to throw up on each other one night a year. what is real. >> asñi a boy scout in my youth i have to tell you it's a. >> chris: let's find out. [laughing]ñi >> oh, no.ñi chris: you know what i like?ñr all dicks are equal. for bonus points after you shower with dad what happens in the next level of the game. >> keep secrets from your mom. [laughing]ñ!ó >> am i the only one that notices it's a tom sell i can mustache on your small child?
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>> chris: yes. that's how you know -- >> yes he's having a hard time figuring out who his dad is. >> you spend the rest of your adult life trying to forget your dad isn't circumcised. >> oh. >> i had that. an unk *t cut dad. why is mine different. i don't know he would say, lucky i guess. >> chris: alright the end of rapid refresh. time for the hashtag wars.ñr >>çó wellñr csi. it's notñr chappy scene investigation. matt and myrañi anotherñr anticipated premiere. this is "tech tv shows" examples maybe modem family.ñi
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nypd blue tooth. bat coin. 60 seconds start. matt. >> broad chappy. chris: stop it stop putting chappy in everything. points. kevin. >> snap chat midnight. chris: perfect. >> sex in the geo cities. chris: points. >> unsolved mystery at to why the [beep] does this thing keep crashing. >> chris: yes. points. kevin smith. >> i'm going comedic and saying lavern and shirley. watching people on a computer on tv is boring. >> -- chappy. chris: no. it's chappy. >> i couldn't help but remember our lead in. >> chris: if this is chappy -- >> it's our lead. in great show. if you're not watching it you should be the nightly show with
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chappy willmore. >> chris: no, it's not. stop encouraging him. >> chris: alright the end of theñi hashtag wars. send us -- [laughing] >> chris: you shut up! chappy sucks! [beep] chappy! >> you keep talking like that it's chapñi midnight. >> chris: a hundred points. we will be back with moreçó@ chap midnight. >> -- well
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chris: welcome back to @midnight. during the break our graphic department had fun with one of matt's hashtags. they made this. >> yes. i'm not going to lie i would watch that show. >> chris: time to play reaction games. >> sometimes you'reñi at a loss for words on th= internet. you're identifying the color of añr god damn dress. comedians, i want you to complete the sentence.
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that's my reaction when ... first one. how about this super satisfied dude, huh. matt. >> that's my reaction when i finish all of the bread sticks. >> chris: points kevin. >> that's my reaction when i complete unassisted masturbation. >> chris: points. now can you do a hands free. >> yes.ñr >> i think really hard. chris: what about these two laughing officers. what about them? these are your two buddies here. you have that there. number one. that's my reaction when they ask if i would like unlimited breadñrçóñi sticks.
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>> that's my reaction when someone says they go to a star trek convention and got laid. >> chris: no. i will give you points for that. that's my reactionñi whenñi matt tells me he'sçó seeing chappy . next one. what about this silverñr fox. this silver fox. yes, kevin. >> that would be my reaction when someone tells me comedy central roast of justin bieber doesn't involve fire. >> are you sure. >> it's my reaction when the waitress asked am i finished with the bread stick. >> points. >> the @midnight strategy. chappy. chapter two, bread sticks. >> how about this man child? this man child. >> that's my reaction when i try they
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try to tell me what's on theñi menu. >> chris: with the bread stick. i hope you get [beep] with a bread stick by chappy. >> just want to say i hope you achieve your dreamsçó too chris. >> kevin. >> that was my reaction before the show when matt was like i'm committed to the bread stick. >> chris: points. >> that's the endñi of reaction. mayn or sharon.ñr >> this game is a good time, you ñv:ññi on my friend mark marin features his takes on emotions and a
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sound emanating from the brain of my mom, sharon hills. there they are side by side. my mom is at nerdist mom on twitter if you want to compare. >> if you two of them that closen't disturbing enough. let's see what it looks like if you combine them. like this. wtf mom. >> i want to you read me a tweet. -- what the [beep] are you doing up there man. or my mom sharon. you can do whatever you want, sweetie. first one two weeks on twitter. >> that is definitely your mother. >> the skoerbgt answer is in
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fact yes, any mom. >> trolling my mom. >> i know. i was trolling her. >> chris: next one. i cut the bottoms off a bunch of kale i buy and put them in water to firm them up. just me? >> your mom. chris: no it's marin. >> what? chris: mark is actually -- >> is that his pintrust post. chris: look at this one. fading. >> i say marin. he likes farrell cats. >> chris: that's my mom's cat grace kitty. that's my mom. >> marin likes any old slutty cat in his house. >> they both have the identical stone face.
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>> that's the end of marin or sharon. it's time forçó our life challenge. sayonarañi spot. >> now i'm concernedçó the challenge will takeñi matt back to chappy town. earlyñi on robot dogsñr everyone was excited about them. they were at brookstone andñrñi sharper image. in japan they're super popular. look at that happy dogçó mom. that dog runs onçó batteries and mix placed love. some jap stphaoes believe robot canines have souls and have funerals for them when they malfunction and can not be prepared. matt i would like you to do a eulogy for your best
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can a truck change how people feel about a guy? we talked to real people, not actors. we showed them two pictures of the same guy in the same location. the only difference... the vehicle behind him. which man is sexier? truck, truck truck that one has way more sex appeal. this guy is definitely the guy your mom wants you to marry. and this is the guy your going to run off to and leave him, to be with him.
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you know you want a truck. the all new chevy colorado. motor trend's 2015 truck of the year. ♪ . >> welcome back to "@midnight" before the break we asked you for a line for a eulogy for a robot dog. >> he was special. unlike other dogs he wasn't afraid of the vacuum. in fact he regular [beep] it with his robot penis. >> chris: okay. that's how he would have to do that. kevin smith. >> for me i can only go old school. i wrote of my friend i can say only this of all the souls i have encountered in all my travels his wasñi the most -- wait for it. human.ñ"i >> chris: so good.ñiñi
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matt. >> he died as he lived, never having lived because truly living is a human construct and robots must be destroyed. except youñi chappy . you can live. >> god damn you. >> chappy movie. hris: and you're making me give him a thousand points because you reacted well to it. we go to the next game. fake florida facts. fake florida facts.ñr now it was on this day in 1845 floridañi was admitted the 27th state of the union. most of those people alive then still live in florida. that's a true fact. in honor of the sunshine state i would like to youçive me as many fake florida facts as you
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can. kevin smith. >> florida home of the og walking dead. >> chris: yes, points. >> leads the nation in high school graduations. [laughing]ñi >> chris: points. >> my parents live in florida. chris: that's actually true. >> i'm sorry i miss read what we were doing. >> chris: points. >> over 6 million people a year camp in florida. >> chris: okay. real florida facts. >> that's a lot of campers. >> 50 shade of cray. >ñ/ that's good. chris: points. >> the state have been have -- is digging a hole because satan told him too. >> chris, there are over 4000 miles of coastline in the sunshine state. >> chris: matt -- you have -- [cheers and applause]
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you have effectively trolled this entire show with your chappy pw *ul [beep] and bread stick mania and real florida fax. what the [beep] man. >> when you see your dad showering at that age -- >> chris: that's fare points. that's it for fake florida facts. i'm sorry. >> i just -- chris: i'm sorry we have to eliminate you. i'm so sorry. i adore you. it's time to express yourself for the win. for the win. >> chris: this was posted a birthday card. you are so special to me. i love and you your personal. i can't wait to spend more time withçó you.
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i talk but all the time. life you with all my heart grandma. i wonder what grandpa wrote. same here grandpa. wow. that is so nice. grams. i didn't -- i didn't even realize you could phone in açó letter. maybe grandpa is a smart ass. i will give him the benefit of the doubt and sayçó he has problems expressing his tpaoelgsz. i would like you to write the messagetrandpa intended toñi write. we will have our winner when we co co ird sounds) (rabbit noise) hi nature (ketchup squirting)
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it's nice ♪ old spice whistle ted's morning was not going well, and when his battery light lit up - it went from bad to worse. but a quick pit stop to autozone - where they check that for free - and ted and his car were back to peak performance. its called the zone and we'll help get you there.
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get in the zone. autozone.
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flo: hey, big guy. i heard you lost a close one today. look, jamie, maybe we weren't the lowest rate this time. but when you show people their progressive direct rate and our competitors' rates you can't win them all. the important part is, you helped them save. thanks, flo. okay, let's go get you an ice cream cone, champ. with sprinkles? sprinkles are for winners. i understand. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> welcome back to "@midnight"
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wipe, wipe, wipe. wipe, wipe wipe. it comes down to this. i will read your answers allowed. i showed you an overwhelming birthday card that was a surprise card from a kid whose -- half his grandparents give a [beep]. i asked you what his grandpa really wanted to say. first one. billy, i poerbgd your grandma. sounds horrible. you wouldn't beñi here without it you can thank me later grams. [ applause ] or your grandmother in grin -pblged on my special space again. that's it i opted to the olive garden for unlimited bread sticks and i'm taking the robot dog. [laughing] >> number two has it. chris: who is number two? of course matt mira.
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