Skip to main content

tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  March 11, 2015 1:35am-2:08am PDT

1:35 am
settle the rainbow! taste the rainbow! who wants to try a new burger? that's good! it's really good. very juicy. that's melted garlic herb butter. it's original. i like soft buns. i would buy this. this is amazing! could this be from jack in the box? definitely not jack in the box no. i'm not a big fan of jack in the box burgers and... this is really good! thanks... i guess. that is my new buttery jack with garlic herb butter melted right on. you can go classic or bacon & swiss
1:36 am
will they melt in your mouth? you butter believe it. >> jon: that's our show tomorrow night at 11:00 here it is, your moment of zen. >> true happiness is the happiness that comes from being honored. i love scrolls, i love plaques, i love trophies i got a building named after me. someone actually once said a good deed is its own reward. well, then what's this?
1:37 am
comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> larry: tonightly, oklahoma frat boys caught singing the worst song in history. congratulations, baja men, you're not number one anymore. ( laughter ) america asks are we ready for a female president? and other questions that seem insulting and out of touch in 2008. ( cheers and applause ) women in the u.s. are still dealing with the glass ceiling. just to be clear that's a metaphor for female advancement not some christian grey sex dudgeon. girls rule, boys drool, and transgender people are free to do whatever they want as long as it rhymes with rule. this is "the nightly show."
1:38 am
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry? >> larry: thank you wow! >> larry! >> larry: thank you that's so nice of you. welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. i'm feeling so good tonight. tonight is laundry night. i forgot-- i forgot something to hold it up. san antonio came through! ( cheers and applause ) for those of you saying "the nightly show," the home game, i apologize for the inside joke.
1:39 am
anyhow, we don't have a lot of time to waste. >> the national chapter of sigma alpha epsilon shutting their university of oklahoma chapter after this shock video surfaced appearing to show members using a racist chant. >> larry: racism doesn't exist anymore, larry. ( laughter ) why do you always have to focus on race on your show? just stop. ( laughter ) you first. ( cheers and applause ) what was i supposed to do? seriously, right? i'll stop talking about race when people stop being racist. and quick note to peter capturing racist on their phones, could you please stop shooting vertical videos? you have never heard of aspect ratio wide screen?
1:40 am
i want to experience my hate in 16:9 not 2:5, all right. just saying. i gotta give credit where the credit is due. the university of oklahoma took swift action. >> the university of oklahoma president david boren has expelled two students related to the racist chant incident. >> larry: that's right they also kicked the fraternity off campus. so don't worry, you won't be seeing any more of those frat boys until they're your congressman. ( laughter ) ( applause ) right. welcome to america, everybody. that's how it works. ( laughter ) who's supervising these frat pratt anyway? i mean, wasn't there an adult property? >> overnight another video has surfaced. this one appears to show the fraternity's 78-year-old house mother. >> larry: oh, that's good. a house mother. finally, the voice of gentil reason ago oh! what is this? what does little angel have to say.
1:41 am
>> larry: man, oklahoma! what the ( bleep ) is going on there? seriously! shame on you, lady. you're a frat house mother. you should know better. you have no excuse. >> in a written statement, gilbow says she is heartbroken by any racist portrayal. she does not tolerate any form of discrimination and she was only singing along to a rap song. >> larry: oh, oh, really, racist grandma. that's a song? well, what song is that? ♪ don't believe me ( bleep ) don't believe me just watch ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: sorry, frat ma, my bad. i guess you can sing it, but maybe not with so much glee. anyhow, to help give smus more perspective on the s.a.e. fraternity culture, 1990s
1:42 am
oklahoma frat guy d-train. ( cheers and applause ) thanks for joining us, d-train. >> larry, please don't call me d-train anymore. i'm an adult. i work on wall street. call me dennis. >> larry: all right. >> deep dick dennis. >> larry: i think i'll just go with dennis. >> dealer's choice bro, dealer's shois chois. >> larry: i'm assuming you saw the video of your s.a.e. prghts. >> i did it's stufting. i completely renounce it. you cannot use that word. >> larry: good, you totally agree. i'm with you. >> i couldn't agree more, that word is racist and offensive. clearly the song should have been. ♪ there be never be a black guy in s.a.e. there will never be a black guy in s.a.e. >> larry: wait, wait, wait hold on. i don't think you see the point. >> oh, god, i'm so sorry. what do you guys go by now, african american? i got it-- gr no no, no. >> let me try that on for size. ♪ there will never be an african
1:43 am
american at s.a.e. ♪ there will never be an african american at s.a.e. ♪ ♪. >> larry: stop it! >> you're totally right the african american thing does not work. it totally screws up the rhythm. not that i have to tell that you. >> larry: look the issue here is not the specific word. it's the sentiment that you're excluding minorities. >> dude. dude. dude. ( laughter ) dude. maybe you don't understand what a frat is, dude. it's not about excluding anybody. it's about including people who are exactly like you. ( laughter ) >> larry: that really doesn't make any sense. >> because you've never experienced the bonding with your bros, bro. larry until you get all your friends together on a chilly easter sunday and run across a football field for six hours with your thumb up each others' asses you'll never really understand what brotherhood is about. >> larry: i two brothers and i'm a brother. ( laughter )
1:44 am
( applause ) i understand brotherhood. >> whatever dude, whatever, dude. >> larry: d-train, everybody. enough of that. ( cheers and applause ) clearly we're not post-racial, but are we at least post-sexist. sunday was international women's day. ( cheers ). >> larry: yeah, no problem. ( applause ). >> larry: absolutely. now, this is when people around the world gaght tore demonstrate in support of women's rights. about 1,000 people came out to march in new york city. which sounds like a lot, until you consider that last year over 100,000 new yorkers showed up at coney island's annual mermaid parade. our priorities are definitely in order. it's amazing when you think of all the creative waitz women still get the short end of the stick. examples-- do you know how most americans celebrated international women's day on sunday? >> okay, this weekend it's time to spring forward as daylight saving time arrives. this is your remeernd to set your clocks 60 minutes forward.
1:45 am
>> larry: by losing an hour in the day! oh, great. we have 24 hours to talk about women's issues. no you have 23. start talking now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) let's go. ( applause ) i mean, that's so wrong! now one thing people are talking about is hillary clinton's expected run for president. i'm assuming she's not going to make her announcement have a e-mail. just a hunch. ( laughter ) and now if she became president that would be history. un have there been that many women leaders around the world? i haven't been keeping up. mien, there has got to be a second or third ever. there's been, like, margaret thatcher cleopatra, isis, the queen-- xena warrior princess. ( laughter ) did i leave anybody out? ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause )
1:46 am
( cheers ) i know that went fast, but you may not have seen liberia and pakistan had female leaders before the united states? that's worse than our math scores. what's going on america? do we have a problem with female leadership in this country? >> new data highlights an old problem in big business best described like this. fewer women run big businesses than men named john. this list shows the most common first names among s&p 1500 c.e.o.s. it turns out there are more named john or david than there are women combined. >> larry: now in all fair tons women there weren't any darnells on there, either. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just saying. just keeping it 100. now i know a lot of you are saying, "larry why are you making such a big deal about women in power?" because sometimes it feels like we're scraping the bottom of the barrel with men. ladies and gentlemen, i give you
1:47 am
idaho state representative vito barbier. >> an idaho lawmaker got an anatomy lesson. the law would prevent doctors from precybing abortion-induce medicine during a web cam unless they examined the woman in person. >> can the same procedure be done in a pregnancy, swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is with the-- >> mr. chairman, and representative it cannot be done in pregnancy simply because when you swallow a pill it would not end up in the vagina. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: you know what else is not going to end up in a vagina? vito barbier. seriously. ( cheers and applause ) this is a man tasked with crafting abortion law in the
1:48 am
united states and his entire understanding of the female anatomy seems to be milk, milk, lemonade around the back fudge is made. i can think of no straighter example of why we need more women in position of power. i firmly believe that you should probably know how a vagina works because you can make laws that deal with vaginas. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
1:49 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ no one loves monster stuffs more than me baby! get a large original stuffed crust or any one of ten new flavorful stuffed crusts like salted pretzel or hut favorite for the throwback price of $9.99. it's only at pizza hut baby! the real question that needs to be asked is "what is it that we can do that is impactful?" what the cloud enables is computing to empower cancer researchers. it used to take two weeks to sequence and analyze a genome;
1:50 am
with the microsoft cloud we can analyze 100 per day. whatever i can do to help compute a cure for cancer, that's what i'd like to do. you wouldn't do half of your daily routine. so why treat your mouth any differently? complete the job with listerine®. kill up to 99 percent of germs. and prevent plaque, early gum disease and bad breath. sfx: ahhh listerine®. power to your mouth™! apples are good. as strongbow hard cider, better. but strongbow over ice is the best. enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. ♪ strongbow, world's number one hard cider. thanks to the true fans of the bell. thanks to the sriracha maniacs. without all of you, we never would have thought of this. the new sriracha quesarito. layers of our insanely good sriracha sauce in the quesarito you love. only at taco bell. [sfx: bong}
1:51 am
1:52 am
>> larry: welcome back. we're talking about women in leadership in america. joining me on the panel tonight, she's the host of fusion's "alicia mendez tonight," and her special report "generation crisis" airs tomorrow night at 9:00 p.m. on fusion. alicia mendez. ( cheers and applause ) alicia on alecia. >> alecia. >> i get it right right away. and author of "keep calm... it's just real estate," and host of hgtv's "property virgins," egypt sherrod joining us. ( cheers and applause ) we're happy to have her, comedian chloe hilliard is joining us. and his new comedy special "contextually inadequate" will air on epic april 24 yup comedian jim northon is right here. ( cheers and applause ) so we're talking about women leadership roles. who puts more hater-ade out
1:53 am
there on the women, the women themselves or men? who is hating more in this in terms of holding women back jaoh that's a deep question. >> larry: sorry to start off-- >> since we're keeping it 100 -- >> what does it feel like? >> i think as a whole women, we sometimes can be our own worst enemy. we do tend to throw a lot of hater-ade on each other. a woman gets up from the table hey girl! "did you see those shoes?" >> larry: i wouldn't hire her as a c.e.o. >> that's a deep question. i'll throw it to you. >> i think a lot of times a woman doesn't want to support a woman outright because they still want to be respected by men so they want to play on both teams. i have ovariries but can still swing a dick. >> what a great bumper sticker. >> larry: i know. >> i would like to-- i would like to come to the defense of women though. i don't think this is about women. i don't think this is about men.
1:54 am
i think this is about all of us. i think there are cultural expectations we put on men and women about what leadership looks like. and then i also think -- >> so women are the ones not in those position. >> right, so then you can put that on men that they've created systems that include things like massive amounts of fund-raising you need to do if you want to run for office. the fact that this is a largely family-unfriendly niewgz if you want to run for office. ( applause ). >> thank you. >> larry: even you want to have children. >> even if you want to have a marriage. it's simply not penalty for that if all of a sudden your private life is open to public scrutiny. who wants to be a part of that? >> larry: i understand. let me ask you this-- i voted for obama because he's plaque. i got no problem admitting that. >> wow. >> larry: here's the thing women were asked who if they would vote for another women. only 20% of republican women and only 69% of democratic women said it's important to have a female president in their lifetime. >> here's the thing,y just want someone who is going to follow through have a little bit of
1:55 am
backbone, and i don't care if they are her maf rodiets, quite honestly. >> larry: you know-- you know you would be upset if there was a hermaf rodiet president before a woman president pup know you would be upset. you'd be like you got to be ( bleep ) me. what do we have to do? >> you have to come up with a better candidate. i want to see a woman president i really do. but hillary clinton, she's psychotic. >> what! >> she's psychotic. >> why? >> here we go. >> i'll tell you why. but sarah palin is also psychotic. one is liberal and one conservative but they're both psychotic. >> larry: sicot oict left. >> shealize about being in a war zone. she's changes her inflection depending on the audience. >> just like every other politician. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: she was just code switching there. even obama-- obama gets a little bit on his plaquer side when
1:56 am
he's goes into the black church. >> she was like i tonight feel no-- >>ing who is that lady? you know what? you gotta give her credit for come, out about those e-mails. she was honest-- "oops sorry, i made a mistake." honesty is something i can respect. people make mistakes all the time. what poldition do you know has ever said, "you're right." >> they're all liars. >> >> larry: all politicians not all women. i just want to clear that pup upon absolutely. i got your back. i was just clearing that up. how much is the superficial? how much do we punish women for just being feminine? hillary thought she had to be a hawk voting for iraq but now she's running on the women's ticket. >> we put them in this sort of impossible situation where you have to be strong enough that i believe you can be our commander in chief, but you also need to be soft enough they like you. and to-- ( applause ) yes, thank you. and to ask somebody to lay on the perfect nexus of those two qualities? how many of us are succeeding at that. >> larry: and we always ask
1:57 am
those questions. people say, "i would have a beer with george bush." people would never say "i'd have a brazilian wax with hillary." >> just so you know, that's not a thing you do with your girlfriends. >> larry: i want to bring up this term, the class cliff. have you heard this? yes. >> larry: where comes bring in a woman as a c.e.o. when the company is failing. i thought that's what they did with paum. he comes in as the janitor to clean up all that mess. >> i'm glad you said it. >> larry: is there a feeling like the country has to go so bad, all right women, do your thing. >> it's the 52 faik out, that's what it is. it's you know what? we're sinking. put her in. she's going to be the scapegoat. when the company goes belly-up, then the man comes and saves day and they pull the wool over our eyes. it happens. we all know corporate people. can you picture corporate people going, "we're losing men. let's throw more out so we can blame the woman." the fact that we're even still having this conversation and
1:58 am
questioning women's right and equality. ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: i'll get a real-world example. battle star galactica. nuclear war going on, the whole world is being destroyed. president dead, vice president dead, the secretary of state dead. they went to the only woman secretary of education alive, then she got to be president. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) hey. these are good. what have you been feeding us all these years? kfc popcorn nuggets. 100% white meat, extra crispy, and made from the world's best chicken. try our kfc bucket and popcorn nuggets meal. these don't even come with a toy and i don't care.
1:59 am
when sweet and tart meet the possibilities are delicious. get ready for sweetarts soft and chewy ropes. with no artificial flavors colors. they're new from sweetarts. get ready to be obsessed. sweetarts soft and chewy ropes. with no artificial flavors or colors. new from sweetarts. wanna get roped in? we did it charlie. at&t's network now has the nation's strongest lte signal. let's go tell everybody. we're doing things like putting lte radio's at the top of our towers. to maximize power. and give you the strong signal you deserve. that's awesome! isn't is awesome?! so ya'll optimizied it? we optimized it!
2:00 am
people of earth... oh boy... ...america's strongest lte signal is here! this- is your new wallet. no. really. you can now use your capital one card with apple pay to buy this that... or a few pairs of these-all from your iphone 6 instantly. it's easy. honestly- it's pretty awesome. and when you have the capital one wallet app you can keep track of all your purchases. see what i mean? awesome. what's in your wallet?
2:01 am
this little piece of hershey's chocolate... is called a pip! it's the way we all start and end a hershey's bar. pip by delicious pip. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate. >> larry: thank you very much. welcome back. it's time for the segment we like to call "keep it 100". ( cheers and applause ) for all the people who don't know that expression it means keep it 100% real. that's what it means. okay. alicia would you pick-- who would you pick for president, a woman or a la tino? you have to pick one. and the other one won't be in office for another 100 years.
2:02 am
and latino woman is not an option because we're keeping it 100, not 10. >> you can tell you the freakiest thing? i knew this was the question you were going to ask me. i had it in my brain. >> larry: so you're prepared. >> i think because we've already crossed-- because we know race and ethnicity is no longer a barrier, i'd choose a woman. >> larry: funny how you had it prepared and still... she kept it 100 right? ( cheers and applause ) good job, aliciaia. chloe racism, sexism, cancer. you can destroy two forever. whichever one you leave, that one grows like a mother ( bleep ). okay? and i'll give you a hint. cancer should probably be of them? which two do you pick? >> i would definitely have to eliminate cancer, and i would eliminate racism. >> larry: you would leave sexism? >> yes only because racism i feel like can destroy generations -- >> did you hear the audience?
2:03 am
>> what i'm saying is that when you do racism it has sneaky bits and cornerrers. when you deal with sexism it's sneaky cornerrers -- >> a little bit of tea. no you're just going to get some tea. >> what! >> larry: i didn't like that answer. >> what! >> larry: i don't think you thought it through ( audience booing ). >> can i explain myself a little bit better then? >> larry: we don't have time. just take this. which race has the worst tame in homes and decor? >> oh, no! oh! ( cheers and applause ) >> could i plead the fifth! are you trying to destroy my career and my business. >> larry: when race has the worst taste in homes and decor? open your hands like this. open your hands like this? open your hands. ( applause ) all right, jim, here you go.
2:04 am
good job. jim, you talk a lot about sex in your act. you're very funny. you really go out there on it. reincarnation is real but you can only come back as a body part, all right. do you come back as a penis or vagina and why? >> i come back as a big giant penis because i want to be in as many vaginas as possible. >> larry: that takes two of these. we'll be right back. there's no way to top that. ( cheers and applause )
2:05 am
apples are good. as strongbow hard cider, better. but strongbow over ice is the best. enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. ♪ strongbow, world's number one hard cider.
2:06 am
hey, mr. smith. want to try out my time machine? it runs on doritos. [ barks ] sure. so now what? got to put the whole bag in. okay. yes! it's really working, jimmy! [ humming, thumping ] [ humming ] [ thumping ] this is the greatest moment of my life! get out of my yard! [ birds chirping ] jimmy? you're so old. [ crunch! ] it's the future! thanks for this oreo caramel shake, cara. -i can't believe you ordered all these shakes. -yeah. and how do you know her name? oh, i kinda have nicknames for everybody based upon my order. -caramel-- cara, yeah. -yeah. holly for jalapeno chocolate. -that's great! -and, uh, janine for peanut butter. -why "janine" for peanut butter? -'cuz she reminds me
2:07 am
of my ex-girlfriend janine who was nuts. ( loud laughing ) she was crazy. announcer: 25 hand-mixed real ice cream shakes, all half-price after 8:00 p.m. -( clicks ) -( beeps ) ♪ nexium 24hr. it's the purple pill. the #1 prescribed acid blocking brand. available without a prescription for frequent heartburn. get complete protection. nexium level protectiontm. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists, alicia mendez, egypt sherrod, chloe hilliard, and jim northon. ( cheers and applause ) tomorrow on the show we're talking about banning word. who get to decide what words people can and cannot say. i almost couldn't say that. as always, tweet your questions to me with the

42 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on