tv At Midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central March 18, 2015 12:01am-12:33am PDT
( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on vine today. for 30ish more seconds it is still officially st. patrick's day or as most americans view it irish cinco de mayo. >> to get blackout drunk without remotely understanding the meaning of the actual holiday. the i am guessing the members of the drinking herd are beginning to pass out in puddles of various liquids. let's not forget we are in the middle of another liver
destroying festival, spring break! spring break! yeah. >> it doesn't feel like it in the rest of the country, the rest of the country has got (bleep) the weather god, and it is an ice forest in most of america, but here is a perfectly named vine from the preceding titled wtf did i just watch? >> (bleep). oh (bleep). >> shout out to nasa! >> yeah. shout out to nasa, indeed. >> now what you are seeing here is an astronaut docking to repair the ass. >> and i do, where i are we are legally requires to say the pasties we are saying are not giant on belong nipples. >> oh. >> they do follow the he lip
cal. >> elliptical orbit of earth. >> sorry pancake nipple enenthusiasts. >> but the euphemisms you are saying, you could say this astronauts is going on an expedition to look for loons over miami. >> what is this astronaut exploring? >> two into jupiter one in the poop-iter. >> yes, yes. >> i started to make that a word poop-iter. >> let's get poop-iter trending, we have the power. hashtag poop-iter. >> sean. >> beach space 9, 2 tiles 18 which is legal. >> chris: yes. absolutely. >> paul scheer. >> season of vagina nebula trying to find the g spot constellation, but unfortunately
he only found a gas giant. >> chris: wow. very astro physical of you, a perfect the place to begin @midnight! captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. >> i am chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are. april april richardson. >> from the funcomfortable tour. go to funcomfortable tours.com ms. april richardson! performing at the cap city to comedy club in austin, texas it's sean patton. >> get real! >> from fresh off the boat, tuesday on abc and season one now available i thought it was paul scheer but it seems to be -- >> chris, it is paul scheer. >> chris: what? [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: wait a minute.
>> i want to tell everyone, i am a leprechaun. >> wait a minute. >> i have been in the club as a leprechaun, because hollywood does not accept us. >> chris: in is a brave man. >> davis is an uncle tom who took all of our jobs and i am here to say more leprechauns in your movies and tv shows. we don't have to have a pot of gold. maybe we just have a nice chianti instead. >> chris: all right. let's start the program. ripped from today's headlines, it's rapid refresh. >> chris: now, if you thought making small talk about your barista's unfinished mixed marshal arts screen play wasn't awkward enough, starbucks has plans to make your morning black coffee experience. >> race together this is an effort to make your morning black coffee experience about being black in america. so now you can really feel the
searing judgment as you put cream in your coffee. >> i'm sorry! >> i mean, listen i appreciate they are trying to openñr up the conversation but why not hashtag humans together? we are just people. >> and not delineated by race but whatever starbucks, i am still in 100 percent for your chai lattes. >> what is an even more awkward conversation to have in a big chain store. >> discussing a women's right to choose at hooters. >> yes. >> discussing dentistry at england. >> yes. >> the country. >> that's a big thing. >> chris: moving on. uproxx turned us on to an australian news anchor who's been making waves all over social yield for which of the following reasons. >> being drunk on area, air, referring to the british at
queen frenchers or c wearing a dress with a phallic neckline. >> oh, that is not what that says, well. >> the correct answer is actually c, now,. >> it is -- oh. >> chris: when i first saw this picture i was like, oh come on guys, it is not that -- oh my god, i can't stop seeing it. >> chris: and by the way, hashtag race together. >> chris: all right comedians what was the headline of the news story he was reporting on april. >> coming up next, our own dick johnston makes a trip to the national history museum in the bone zone. >> chris: points. in the bone zone. >> >> chris: sean patton.
>> local area man survives stroke after stroke after stroke after stroke after stroke. stroke stroke, stroke stroke, stroke. >> chris: paul scheer. >> five teams that could wreck your march madness bracket. oh (bleep) am i wearing a dress that has a (bleep) on it? >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of rapid refresh. now it is time for hashtag wars. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: we want to wish a be late ad birthday to blake grinch one of the funniest guys of basketball and not just because he once admitted to rolling stone his first concert was creed. >> no one told me hey blake this isn't cool so i was all in on creed. of course we had to imagine what that would look like. when i was on oprah with arms wide
open. so in honor of make's dubious tastes tonight's hashtag is nba bands, it might be the hakeem olajuwon direction, sacramento kings of leon, the wuu-tang jazz. >> i will post 60-seconds on the clock and go. >> sean. >> durant, durant. >> lisa globetrotters. >> where are my glasses right now? >> chris: oh, that is good. paul. >> shah shaquille o'neill young. >> chris: points. >> gnarl,s barkley. >> buzz saw and harmony. >> chris: points. >> nba pull jam. >> chris: points. paul. >> magic bronson. >> chris: points. april. >> houston lobbing rockets. >> chris: yes. points. yes, sean. >> spin dr. jake. >> chris: okay. points. april. >> raptors against the machine.
>> chris: points. sean. >> kanye westbrook. >> chris: paul. >> phil jackson 5. >> chris: yes. points! >> thanks for playing hashtag wars. send us your #nba bands and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we will be right back. our tweet of last year, bud light built a town called whatever usa. this once in a lifetime town is happening again! and all that's standing between you and a chance at - woooooo! - is sharing a fifteen second audition video! tell us why you should go using #upforwhatever and #audition. ♪ ah, push it. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ push it. ♪ ♪ p...push it real good! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ow! ♪ ♪ oooh baby baby...baby baby. ♪ if you're salt-n-pepa, you tell people to push it. ♪ push it real good. ♪ it's what you do.
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@midnight. a little plug for my good friend and frequent hilarious panelist sara schaefer. >> released her new album chrysalis today on the internet. go buy it. it is awesome. fantastic, fantastic comic. now it is time to play saint hashtag's day. saint hashtag'sñi day. >> all across ireland and many parts of this country, st. patrick's day was marked by parties, parades and the occasional display of wildly inappropriate behavior. you have to hashtag this the poor behavior. >> this double fister. >> yes, paul. >> zach mcfadden 300. >> chris: yes. points. >> april. >> hashtag irish crossed it. >> chris: good. points. next one, this lass with an
exposed ass. >> >> been there. >> chris: paul. >> hashtag almost tuesday in boston. >> chris: yes. points. sean. >> pee-lotis. >> chris:ñixd points. april. >> hashtag how i meantñi your mother. >> chris: yes.ñbp &c @&c yes. points. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: next one, sign of the times. >>xd hey -- i am envious. but it does have a beer right there, so i guess he is okay. >> chris: sean. >> hashtag i will be a butterfly
one day. >> what are you looking at? >> chris: points. next one. what about this mickey? >> april. >> hashtag fury walk of shame. >> chris: yes. points. >> oh that's good. >> chris: finally these fighting irish, these fighting irish. i want to make sure we are being racially sensitive to you. are you okay? >> no. i am really pissed off about that. >> hashtag stop the hate. >> chris: that's the end of saint hashtag day. it is time for our next day. ska or improv. ska orñi improv.
>> this is great, one of our favorite new sites is a tumblr ska or improv, where creator greig posts. >> gregg gethard posts group pictures and you have to decide if the goofy ass white people you're looking at are a ska band or an improv troupe. and you guys, so hard to tell. >> just to be warned this guy on the left shirt says i am in a band so ironic improviserxd would wear, you decide april. >> this is so the lack of choices. >> it is like, what? guys. i am going to say improv because of the double up lady. >> you are right improv because they are playing the classic improv game politically correct picture. >> chris: paul. >> 100 perconá improv. because that guy on the right would never be in a ska band. >> chris: well, you guys don't know anything, this is a ska
band! >> no! >> chris: this is a ska band called must have muff said. >> which is the name of an alli3 female improv group. but anyway. >> wait a second i am feeling like, i don't know, there is some like why aren't we watching ten seconds of them doing improv? >> chris: because they are not an improv band, they are a ska band. >> oh. i hope that satisfies you. >> thank you very much. >> these happy go luckies, these happy go luckies. >> ska group or improv band? >> black dudes throwing me off. >> >> he has a whiteñi chip on his shoulder. >> i will say ska band. >> chris: you will say ska band? >> i hope neither. i don't know who is worse the black man or the white woman but i am speaking with improv on this because he is rocking the baseball cap sideways, i am
going to say improv. >> chris: the correct answer is this is improv troop. yes! >> all right. that's the end of ska or improv it is time for our challenge brown hawk down, brown hawk down. on a flight in fresh a to denver had a bit of a scare when a man rushed the cockpit saying i didn't had, that was a the second time in a week a plane has been grounded due to possible acts of terrorism, last week a british airways flight to dubai had to make an emergency landing after someone took a massive dump. >> >> that's that's not real. is that real is. >> chris: it's real. yes. they were on shiddish sky ways. the plane had to turn around and reschedule the flight for the following day. >> that's the kind of dump that we are talking about. >> the british always very
polite, if that was southwest they would keep on flying. >> i have seen too many fish and chills. >> chris: it is like, please drop the oxygen masks, please. i will assist myself before helping others. >> it is very unclear whether or not they slut the, searched the plane for sharts we are not sure how that happened. tell us of the announcements before the landing. we will get your answers whenñi we come back for more @midnight.where you also find her. ♪ a romantic fumble at this romantic chateau ... leads to these fine humans. who you take to this eco-lodge ... to get seriously close to nature. then you check in with her at this tropical paradise. before soaring over this castle resort with your father-in-law. who finally seems to like you. life can be like that when you get
so i was video chatting@ with my girlfriend. we haven't been@ together long but... she just says it. i love you. my heart is racing. so i say it right back. i love you too. and she freezes. not actually but the video chat. and i'm like, "did she even hear me?" i am so relieved i have verizon. i panicked, tried to unfreeze it and hung up. we are so much in love. she never called me back. join us and save without settling on @ the largest, most reliable network. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ thanks to the true fans of the bell. thanks to the sriracha maniacs. without all of you, we never would have thought of this. the new sriracha quesarito.
layers of our insanely good sriracha sauce in the quesarito you love. only at taco bell. [sfx: bong} >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i told you about a flight to dubai that had to make an emergency landing due to passenger's extremely foul trip to the restroom and i asked you to give me the pilot's inflight announcement. paul scheer let's start with you. >> this is captain speaking, if you look in the forward cabin you will see david, you will see
a bathroom where dave left a (bleep). >> if he passes your way making your way to the fuselage, enjoy the wifi, e-mail and tell a loved one we are all going down. >> chris: sean patton. >> ladies and gentlemen there isçó your captain speaking, what is up with airline food? >> chris: april. >> i don't have any accent work to do. >> ladies and gentlemen, there is an odor problem in the cabin i want you to remind it just because i smelt it doesn't mean i dealt it but we will make an emergency landing due to the hot disgusting that they did not leave the toilet seat down. thank you. >> chris: 500 to april. >> we go to the next game
fukushima. fukushima. >> (bleep) of the irish, (bleep) of the irish. i know. st. patrick's day day the majority of you are probably covered in dry vomit contemplating the doe plocial things you did to that mounted police horse. of course, beside the text from last night, regrettable st. paddy's text like this one. i am sure i haven't crashed out a leprechaun i am so hung over. >> sorry about that, paul. >> yes. that doesn't happen. >> chris: so since it is so very late in the evening of st. patrick's day and because paul scheer knows how to commit i want you to come up with at many lyrics from a leprechaun as you can and begin. >> yeeuh. >> >> chris: points. paul scheer. >> i want to f?&!jusu3x5j(zv rainbow right to your vagina. >> chris: points. april. >> i will grant you three wishes, that's what i call my
>> chris: points. paul. >> every time i think of you i touch my magic skin flutes. >> chris: points. sean. >> come over and let me perform clover-lingus. >> chris: points, so good. >> i want to hide some white gold in you tonight. >> chris: points. sean patton. >> kiss my dick, it is irish too. >> chris: points. that'sñi the end of (bleep) of the irish. i see sean patton you are barely in third place. i am so sorry we have to eliminate you. do you havedo you have any last words. >> am i being singled out? >> chris: yes. 200 shows and that's the first time anybody has said that. >> red light that means it is time to go for the win.
they say if you can't beat them join them. well that is exactly what springfield, illinois mayor j michael houston did by giving the key to the city to one of the most notorious terrorist leaders in the history of humanity come on the, dude, what are you doing? why would you do do that? you can see yourself smiling in his face plate. at first i thought this was an effort to spare the citizens of the city from the treacherous forces of cobra but it turns out it was just a promotion for joecon, an upcoming gi joe collectors convention. i want you to give me a line from cobra's speech at his key
now sweetheart... shut up! marcia, eat a snickers®. why? you get a little hostile when you're hungry. better? better. marcia, marcia, marcia... >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. time to wipe the scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. >> you are right. i apologize. i am going to read your answers out loud and you guys will decide the winners out in the audience. before the break i showed you the picture of the traitorous mayor of springfield, illinois giving the key to the city of the megalomaniac cobra commander, i asked you to give me a line from the speech. first up. >> i would like toñi thank the city of springfield illinois for recognizing my style of work with quality in shrink rays. >> chris: all right. or, fools! i now will enslave the people of illinois, and bu)jt them to another dimension
and first i can't believe you don't have one dog park in this town. we have to fix that because i have a labrador who loves to run! >> chris: number two. who is number 2? >> april richardson has won the internet! ñr congratulations. if you are thev >> i will see you tomorrow night when our guests will be ron funches, bianca kajlich and rick glassman. until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #nba bands >> tosh.0 features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience. comedy central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them. enjoy.