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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 23, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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in "deliverance." no, not in "deliverance"... [ chuckles ] in "gator"! ohh. right? how can you not see that? >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york. this is the daily show with jon stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central . >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. good show tonight. my name is jon stewart. we have a good show. my guest tonight ayaan-- ayaan
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hirsi ali author of the book of heretic but first the department of the veterans affairs. over the years they have developed something of a reputation over the backlog obscenely long wait times for appointments continue use of software that is roughly as old as keira nightly or as opposed to the va caller that actress from "the imitation game" movie with the futuristic computers. i'm being too har or the va. they have worked tirelessly to change their ways. >> the los angeles va official dr. skye mcdougal told members of congress wait times for new patients at the va centers in los angeles were about four days. >> asked about mental health wait times that same va official dr. skye mcdougal told congress the wait time is to different. she said just four days.
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>> jon: four days! finally and if you can't trust skye mcdougal-- (laughter) the world's greatest doctor and aviatrix who can you trust? now that's all congressman excuse me while a light you be a lucky strike hop into my bomber and give the case wear for all while keeping wait times unfive days. couldn't do it without you skye mcdougal. (laughter) but this is reason for celebration. the four day wait period is awesome it almost sounds too good to be true. it's not true is it? >> the average wait time is ten times greater. it's not four days it's 44 days. >> jon: okay, okay but there is a four in it. (laughter) 44 days! you [bleep] for the last
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time mcdougal am turning your 1930s pilot licence and your flying scarf from gimbals. mcdougal. i suppose 44 days is is better than the previous average wait time of until the first angel sounds his trumpet and the four horsemen of the apocalypse bring with them hail fire and blood. these wait times are unacceptable man. does the va have any solution for this? >> the va scandal sparked a national debate about veteran's care. if a rare show of by part tsangship congress created the $10 billion choice card program helping to give veterans more access to care. >> jon: the veteran's choice program sounds like a spectacular program. it has the word choice in it. like our best beef. (laughter) and most prestigious awards. (laughter)
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now veterans who have had to wait longer than 30 days for an appointment can now go outside the va system for health care. what could go wrong for an 89-year-old veteran of a trailblazing all female world war ii naval division who also happens to live on an island with no va facility on it. >> she recently had a heart attack. as she was discharged from the hospital, the staff set up followup appointments with a cardiologist on the island. but when heppner called the choice program, she was told she didn't qualify for local care even though it takes hours to get to the nearest va facility 38 miles away. >> jon: oh right the choice program requires that if you haven't waited 30 days you must live more than 40 miles away from a va facility as the crow fliesment because that is the least meaningful way to judge how hard it is to get somewhere for noncrows. (laughter)
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what the [bleep]. as the crow-- let's see, i'm 89 and i had a heart attack. get me my zip line helmet. i got a doctor's appointment. what are you guys doing? all right, listen i don't want to overreact. one person is having trouble with the choice program. old women, ol woman living on an island is a pretty unique situation. i don't see how this thing could trip up anyone else. >> it takes a trip of more than 50 miles by car to see an oncologist at the va hospital in minneapolis. >> for he was a perfect candidate for the new va choice program. >> unless the next part of that sentence is and it turned out he was and everyone lived happily ever after, i'm not sure i want to see what comes next. >> he was denied. the northwest metro va clinic in ramsy is only 20 miles from his home. but get this paul says they don't offer cancer treatment at the clinic. >> about all they do is
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dental work there and eye work and some basic different, you know kinds of minor things. but i have cancer. >> jon: wouldn't happen to be tooth cancer would it? come on, what's the deal va? why are you being such hard ass with this 40 mile rule? why not just open the choice program up a bit. >> the cbo scoring for the program, if it would have been open to all veterans would have been $50 billion. the way they set up the criteria that is the 40 miles and the 30 day wait time t was only $10 billion so it was a monetary conversation by congress. >> oh so is it isn't a bug of the program it is a feature of the program. make sure the program that by all rights should cost $50 billion to really help people and got it down to 10 billion by just taking out the people it could help. but you know what that's just congress.
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that's just who they are. consistently finding the most economical path when it comes to the military. >> the u.s. spends as much as on defense as the next ten countries combined. >> a billion dollars on helicopters an planes. >> $3 million. >> a half billion $600 million $12 million 34 million 60 billion. >> never used, sinks weren't even needed wince sit unused. >> never used, never used. >> congress wants to give the air force $3.6 billion that is 175 million more than the request. >> jon: i'm sorry, the they are the most economical pass when it comes to after being in the military. see it's crazy. when they need veterans to fight wars, no time or expens an option. i mean dow remember how far and wide they went to find ram above. they chased him into the woods. they found him in a prison. they got a [bleep] monetary in thailand. that's like-- thailand, that's more than 40 miles as the crow flies. when he came back couldn't get [bleep] counselling
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though. yeah no couldn't get counselling. it was dedenied. it turns out when it comes to veterans congress are just deadbeat dads. they will spend a tremendous amount of time and money to get a chance to unload the ammunition. once they blow that load and it causes people to take care of, no, no no baby just let yourself out. we'll be right back. (brad) holy cats! has, has anybody else been experiencing a snail infestation? no? i'll tell you later. polygons. without them: no shapes. without shapes, our world has no form. but you can use the polygonal search tool on the new apartments-dot-com to define the area in which you want to find your next apartment. there. what if i lived in that area? oh,interesting. change your apartment... change the world.
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services. so i was video chatting with my girlfriend. we haven't been together long but... she just says it. i love you. my heart is racing. so i say it right back. i love you too. and she freezes. not actually but the video chat. and i'm like, "did she even hear me?" i am so relieved i have verizon. i panicked, tried to unfreeze it and hung up. we are so much in love. she never called me back. join us and save without settling on the largest, most reliable network. >> jon: welcome back. you know what why done we take you into the presidential race. was there big news today for
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republicans or maybe me? >> the race for the white house kicking off this morning, texas senator ted cruz announcing on twitter overnight that he is now running for president. >> the 2016 presidential season is now under way. >> let the race begin. >> wait, now if begins the race? what have you been doing for the past 18 months? scamping around these people while they were brunching at billionaire clubs and-- every iowa pig farmer within yodeling distance. (laughter) that sentence has more funny words per sentence in it. yodeling pig farmers are you to the going to find a better funny sentence than that. it started today with cruz's announcement. virginia's legendary liberty university the conservative crist yen school founded by jerry falwell. things were hot. cruz's level of preparation holder. >> cruz and his family did a walk-through at liberty university where he will give his announcement speech today.
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even practicing the waving and kissing. >> i may owe mitt romney an apology. even the mitt romney trofern 3,000 didn't have to rehearse waving and kissing. >> that is not fair at all. >> that is not fair at all. >> sam and jason wa do you mean? >> jon listen. (cheers and applause) >> do you really-- jon, do you really think kissing between married people just happens naturally? >> i guess i did. >> oh my god no. >> it takes years of practice. all right, let's show him. >> okay. >> jon: oh. >> she always messes it up. >> no! >> jon: how long you have two been married. >> i don't know like a thousand years. >> yeah, we should really practice second base. >> okay. >> yeah yeah. >> not easy jon not easy. >> jon: thank you sam bee and jason jones everybody. (applause)
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they've been making out the whole time. i didn't even notice it and then its with time for the big speech. let's see how the liberty university students well cop the senator. whooo, the excitement the passion. the rand paul features. (laughter) (applause) all right now that-- that is somewhat awesome. (laughter) >> but come on guys shall don't show up at the senator's big day wearing the other team's injury jersey. if you don't want to be there, don't be there. >> it is a weekly con have case the students have. >> . >> jon: then carry on. >> of course no campaign launch would be complete without some weirdly third person autobiography. >> imagine another teenage boy being raised in houston heading off to school over
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a thousand miles away from home at a place where he knew nobody. where he was alone an scared. >> dude. you went to princeton. i mean don't make it sound like you got forced on to the train to hogwarts. although that would have been the easiest sorting hat ever. slitherin it is. but-- cruz cruz looked to the future. >> i want to ask each of you to imagine imagine a president who says i will honor the constitution. imagine abolishing the irs. instead of a government that seizes your e-mails and your cell phones imagine a federal government that protects the privacy rights of every american. >> jon: we get t are you a
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fan of john lennon and small government. you're a small government conservative freedom good big brother bad. which makes the next part of the speech kind of unexpected. >> i'm going to ask you to break a rule here today. >> jon: i want you to turn to the person to your right and sodomize them. >> and to take out your cell phone. >> jon: oh, all right. not as rebeluous as i thought but okay. i hate to break it to you but those kids cell phones were already out. i'm not saying you're boring. let's just say you're more interesting on snapchat am but the point is this-- you were saying imagine they don't get your record what are these liberties-- are supposed to do. >> take out your cell phones. text the word constitution
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to the number 33733. once again text constitution to 33733. >> jon: the thing is he never explained what 33733 is. he just wanted them to text it. so let me clarify this a little bit. students at liberty university were required to attend a partisan political speech where a small government conservative who had just promised he would respect privacy rights told them if they cared about freedom text your information to a mysterious address that collects your cell phone number for undisclosed purposes. imagine all the people we'll be right back.
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight "new york times" best selling author of the author of heretic please welcome to the program ayaan hirsi ali. hello. how are you? thank you for coming. how are you? >> i'm good. thank you. >> jon: thank you for joining us. the book is called heretic why islam needs a
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reformation now. my first question is why does islam need a reformation now? >> because unfortunately too many people are dying in the name of islam too many women live under oppression. too many jews are being demonized, too many gays killed in the name of is almost la, too many christians are being killed in the name of islam and i think it really has you need the reformation now. >> jon: if i'm remembering the reformation correctly and it's been awhile. >> yes. >> jon: wasn't the-- aren't we having that now? aren't we having the reformation now? the reformation was martin luther wanted a purer form of christianity. and so when he put that up there, it created a hundred years of violence and mayhem. isn't-- isn't that the process that we are going through right now? >> it is the process that we're going through right now and the process that i describe in the book that you know talk of
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reformation in islam has been under way for a while. and what is interesting about now is yes, there is a great deal of violence in the name of islam but there is an incredibly important minority of reformers that are risking their life trying to get this change done. and i salute them i hope you salute them. >> jon: right, well no i guess my point is i think people single out islam as though there's something inherently wrong with it that wasn't wrong with other religions. and so i guess my point is if christianity went through almost the exact same process people who thought they knew better and were purer and that created violence and so why-- i get the sense that you think islam is different than other religions. >> well, i'm saying that christianity went through that process of reformation and enlightenment and came to a place where the mass of christians, at least in the western world, have accepted
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following the-- the separate of church and state respect for women, respect for gays. >> jon: well, and if african there are the central african republic still has christian -- >> catholics who in the name of catholicism are homophobic. >> jon: and also behead muslims and do crazy things. >> the central african republic but the majority of christians unlike the majority of muslims are not subjected to violence. and if you look at the 70% of the global violence in the world today muslims are responsible and the largest number-- . >> jon: or are suffering from it. but i guess my point is it seems like the narrative is from some reformers, that there is something inherently wrong with this religion that is not wrong with other religions. and that's the thing that i'm trying to get at. >> yeah, so here's the key point. >> jon: yes. >> there were christians within christianity who came out and said you know we need to change things am we need to reform basically. >> jon: right.
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>> there are now muslims today in growing numbers not in growing numbers we're not pointing the fingers towards the jews or christians or american foreign policy or some other external factor but they are saying there is something wrong within our religion. and what i'm trying to do here as someone who grew up with this religion and came out of it and very much you know driven by a desire to change it bringing about change in the conversation, is okay, let's identify it. what is wrong about it. you know what is it with islam that you need to change and then i have five key points. >> jon: but i guess what i'm saying is the reformation was not people who wanted to moderate christianity. it was people who wanted it purer. who felt the catholic church had become corrupt. >> the two religions christianity is different from islam. the one in islam who are you know islamic states right now in iraq and syria groups like that. >> jon: they want a more pure form as they interpret it which is -- >> well, an as they apply
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it. and as the prophet mohammed lives, they are trying to emulate him in that time. i happen to think that the koran is made by man and by men and it's time for that narrative to change. >> jon: but you get what i'm saying. like just say that if we just change the text don't we have to somewhat change -- >> what i'm arguing is not to change the text what i'm arguing for is for muslims to accept the fact that this book is written by man a long time ago, and that morality-- . >> jon: it hasn't been accepted in christianity. >> the morallit of the 7th century doesn't apply to the 2 1st century. >> jon: that's it. >> i honestly think that most christians have accepted that. >> jon: that the bible is written by man. >> that the morality of god knows when doesn't apply now. and the muslims are struggling on the one hand the group that i call the mecca muslims on the one hand they are struggling to be as true to their religion as they possibly can. while on the other hand, they are struggling to then
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you know be modern and live peace and prosper life. and i think the way out of that is to keep up the conversation on the problems. >> jon: you would like people to buy your book. >> i would like people-- to change the-- yeah buy my book and read about it for yourself. >> jon: on the book shefs now ayaan hirsi ali. thank you so much this is smith & forge hard cider. it's like emmett, here. strong. sturdy. but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. built to refresh. smith & forge hard cider. oww! made strong.
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there were tears in my eyes. and tears in my eyes. and so many little things that we learned were really the biggest things. through it all, we saved and had a retirement plan. and someone who listened and helped us along the way. because we always knew that someday the future would be the present. every someday needs a plan. talk with us about your retirement today. >> jon: hey, that's all forus. we will talk to larry willmore larry what's on your mind tonight? >> nothing jon. starbucks solved racism so i've got nothing to talk about. (laughter) >> jon: you got that starbucks racing to thing. they want baristas to chat about race to their customers. >> larry: yeah. >> jon: that was cancelled. everybody hated the idea. >> larry: so you mean america still has its semiracial values. >> jon: of course it does. >> larry: you always know how to make me feel better
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always. >> jon: larry wilmore, that is what i'm talking about. looking forward to your show. >> the your moment of zen. >> the head of the san francisco department of public works is looking for a paint that rap els liquid the paint would redirect urine back on to the person it is also being used in hamburg germany where signs say do not pe comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh


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