tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central April 14, 2015 1:03am-1:35am PDT
- my sister is a den leader in girl scouts. - my uncle's the second in line to be manager at gart brothers. - hmm, yeah. - and now the scraping off of the pudding. isn't she beautiful, scraping off the pudding with the grace of a butterfly. she rubs the pudding on her face. the prince now attempting to remove one of the princess' arms. as is, of course the tradition. the princess screaming with pain. everyone watching with anticipation. and the arm is off! things are back to normal here in canada. the time honored traditions are once again-- yes, the prince is sticking the princess' arm up his ass. there it goes. [cheers and applause] he's really making a good go of it. what a wonderful day for canada and therefore, of course the world. ♪ ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause)çóñi
. >> jon: hey welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. great show for you tonight. our guest tonight, one of my favorite adam horovitz is going to join us later tonight. but first hey you got up this morning i checked my social media my tweeter page. cuz i dig that [bleep]. (laughter) >> it's abuzz. there's some sort of throne games totally missed that that was going on. and then apparently madonna sucker kissed drake and i assume to lay one of her-- (laughter)çó >> jon: one of her-- it looked like sheñi laid one of her eggs in his stomach. but the most battling trend was what seemed like this state farm commercial gone viral. >> i'm getting ready for a lot of things.
>> big boy coming your way. >> we're starting gardens ready. and my tomatoes are ledge endary here in my own neighborhood. >> i am now going back to work. >> i'm getting ready to retire soon. >> jon: this is boring as [bleep]. (laughter) >> i don't understand why this is creating a twitter s deal? it's ode people stuff. opening doors and-- changing gravel buckets. and-- oh, i know that lady! (laughter) >> i'm getting ready to do something too. i'm running for president. >> jon: oh. (laughter) okay. weird they wouldn't let you make your own commercial. you had to-- you had to share your announcement with a guy from a gravel company. that-- so hillary rodham general everson stein em clintoned iii has observationly announced her canadians-- candidacy for president of the united
states again. i applaud hillary for not acting like she is drop a bombshell with the announcement because, you know, this isn't about -- >> she doesn't even appear until halfway through. she says she wants to run as an underdog make it clear to etñzvores she wants to earn their votes. she is driving to iowa. >> clinton's road trip is designed to send a new kind of message. she's listening to voters and determined to earn their support this time around. >> jon: that's a refreshing change from her 2008 strategy. shut up i'm talking. (laughter) >> the republicans, of course, have been anticipating this announcement since like3> jon: they have had ample time to man the ramparts stockpile the munitions rand paul was first out of the gate with a clinton-themed classic replete with dystopian cliches because orwell predicted the future where tv is giant never in color and for some reason outside.
(laughter) rnc chairman priebus was prepared with a humorous clinton-themed thumb drive attack. and presidential candidate ted cruz was also prepared. >> hillary clinton represents the failed policies of the past. >> jon: are you [bleep] kidding me? rand paul has got sachi an sachiñi priebus is manufacturing premiums and are you banging out a quick vine on the set of what looks like a 1970s porno shoot? (laughter) can we zoom out on that? oh! i knew it! i knew it! decapitating a panda. first time i saw cruz i said to myself i bet that guy chops up pandas. he taped that in a panda chopping dungeon. and of course the pundits were not impressed wnsd she has tremendous baggage. i mean do american people
really want another four or eight years of clintons an their weird marriage? (laughter) >> jon: maybe, maybe i'm old-fashioned-- i want a presidentñr that is part of añi couple i can get along with. maybe later on in the night i could swing with, ron and nancy, you know. two gin antonics i would bang either one of them. (laughter) but of course as always all response pail in comparison to wayne la pierre master of understatement. >> she will notñr bring a dawn of new prnoise and opportunity. hillary rodham clinton will bring a permanent darkness of deceit and despair forced upon the american people to endure.
>> jon: and when you and your children areñi walking this haunted wasteland feasting on the bodies of the dead crying out to god to save you from yourñi cursed existence-- you willñi rue the day you voted for a center leftish establishment democrat. (laughter) holy [bleep]. is there any other representative that only speaks in revelation language? but of course the inevitable america destroying apocalypse that will result from a clinton presidency is not la pierre's only gripe with clinton. >> i have to tell you eight years of one demographically symbolic president is enough. (applause) >> jon: wow, i guess your dog whistle wasn't working. and you just went with the regular whistle. for more we go to senior political correspondent
jessica williams. jessica, thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> hi. >> jon: jessica, sorry i see-- i see you are very busy there. >> oh yeah i'm just doing some gardening like every day people do in america. >> jon: uh-huh. >> i hope you like tom tom's jon i'm going-- tomatoes i'm wering to bring you a [bleep] load. >> jon: i don't eat tomatoes in the [bleep] load. you are doing clinton can put all the regular people in her ads it is not going to convince republicans. >> i with disagree. conservative was love to vote for hillary if only shes with a guy an her marriage weren't so weird. >> jon: but clarely that's not true jessica look at obama, he's clearly a guy and he has what seems to be a very nice marriage. it's the one thing that obama has not taken heat on quite frackly -- >> i mean jon come on man. were you like not listening to them? >> jon: wait-- i thought we
were in the garden and you were-- you also-- you also pick -- >> yeah i'm an american.ñr anyway obama is a male in a good marriage but he's a little too demographically symbolic. that's afro talk for black. you know if you want the republican vote you got to check all three boxes. >> jon: but see that's not true. why did they hate jimmy carter. he had all three things and he they ever-- they only dump on him. so -- >> look, you don't think jimmy carter's marriage was weird? jon, the man was a penis farmer. (laughter) >> jon: peanuts he was a knee nuts he farmed peanuts. you cannot farm-- you can't-- you can't farm penises is what i'm -- >> that's not what i heard. >> jon: well, i don't know who would tell you that. because-- here's the other thing too. it's not like all republican
candidates always meet that criteria either. you know newt gingrich in 2008 he was a front-runner for a time. he was onñi his third wife aka the woman he left his second wife for. >> yeah, i mean-- exactly jon. and you know when a marriage gets weird you just got to get out andçó get a new one you n÷ju? (laughter) >> jon: is that-- is that a sheep there? is that -- >> well technically it's a ram. there there big fella it will allçó be over soon. >> jon: what about the republican himself reagan called his wife mommy. >> what's weird about that. it's just a husband saying mommy, i have con plated you with the woman whose vagina i came out of. >> oh, it's coming here we go here we go. oh oh! there it is. >> jon: oh wow.çó a bouquet what are you doing? >> you know jon just regular people stuff.
>> jon: okay. jessica williams everybody. we'll be right back. woman: it's been a journey to get where i am. and i didn't get here alone. there were people who listened along the way. people who gave me options. kept me on track. and through it all my retirement never got left behind. so today, i'm prepared for anything we may want tomorrow to be. every someday needs a plan.
let's talk about your old 401(k) today. t-mobile is breaking the rules of wireless. and the samsung galaxy s6 edge is breaking the rules of design. can't get your hands on it because you're locked down by a carrier? break free t-mobile will pay every penny of your switching fees. get ahead of the curve and get your hands on the galaxy s6 edge for $0 down at t-mobile today. introducing... ...delta flushiq... ...toilets. with touch-free flush... ...for when things go right. and the peace of mind of... ...overflow protection for when they don't. delta flushiq toilets.
see what delta can do. now that you've switched to taco bell breakfast what do you eat? i've got the chicken biscuit taco. and i've got the egg, bacon and cheese biscuit taco. i don't want to be the spokesperson for the south but, this is as good as mama's cooking. my name is mary. my name is dominic. and i am a breakfast defector! ♪ [bong!] (cheers and applause) >> jon: welt come back. i say right now we turn towards the middle east. >> yemen evolved into chaos on their way to the board earn. >> iran deploying warships to the gulf. >> a much larger proxy war between shiites and sunnis. >> yemen has long been known to al qaeda. >> the rebels have taken over.
>> the u.s. also stepping up air strikes on isis. >> it's getting very very complicated. >> jon: well to be fair he is easily confused. but in this case it's true. there's so many conflicts going on in the middle east it sometimes appears we are fighting ourselves to help us understand to the operation of sandy quagmire we are joined bypassem youssef. thanks for being here. great to see you bassem. >> yeah, yeah yeah. >> jon: nice to see you. >> thank you thank you. whatever jon whatever yes yes. yeah. >> jon: i got to till you seem less than excited to be here. last time it seemed like you were excited to be here. what is up? >> yeah nothing. although i see that while i was away you picked some other guy to replace you. >> jon: trevor noah, that's right. he's going to replace me on the program whenñi i leave. >> so you wanted a handsome young comedian from africa? hello! yeah yeah!
what jon egypt is notñi african enough for you? >> jon: yeah, egypt is in africa. >> yes yes yes. so jon, you can imagine what a beautiful cover i would have had-- (laughter) >> jon: who is holding your chest there?ñr >> there was someone holding my chest swrz yes, i think so. >> anyway you had some questions about the middle east. >> jon: yeah. >> yeah so as we say where i come from shoot lev laugh. >> jon: all right. so here is the deal here is what i understand. we're fighting isis and al qaeda. trying to keep nukes away fromñi iran but now we're somehow involved in a prox' war in yemen on the side of iran but not-- here is my question who should we worry about? who is actually coming to kill us? >>ñi none of them. >> jon: [bleep] what? say that again. >> let me explain. i will start with my country egypt. >> jon: you know it is in
africa. >> very good jon, you're learning, so remember the muslim brotherhood. >> jon: yes, yes guns beards, sunni briefly in charge of egypt. >> yes, until the military threw them out with backing from the saudis. well now the saudis and the egyptian army are fighting shiite rebels together in yemen. guess who is fighting alongside them. >> jon: yes chuck norris. >> yes close the muslim brotherhood in yemen. >> jon: the muslim brotherhood in yemen are allies with the guys who threwñi them out of egypt. they're buddies now. >> of course not they hate the [bleep] out of each other. they just happen to be pointing their guns at the same people right now. and guess who else is rooting for team saudi. >> jon: chuck norris? >> close. isis and al qaeda. those ass holes are so happy they are getting they are popping their halal champagne. >> jon: ed way to figure it is the sunni shia split
sunni will always have a sunni brother's back. >> yes except in europe. >> jon: god. >> where the sunni coalition isity tooing the shi'a militias against-- . >> jon: is this a psychological terrorism where they try to be could fuse us to death. >> let me put this in terms you can understand. you know march madness. >> jon: yes. >> of course this constant intrackable madness. look how many teams have to play against each other and this is just one division. we're not even to the elite eight yet. and america is already in the finals. >> jon: we're in the finals? >> yes. >> jon: usa! wait -- >> usa usa. >> jon: really, like warmongers? talking about getting us in a war.ñr really that easy? all right. so whoever makes it out of the round of 64 sunni shi'a monarchy democracy insurgency tribal, military thee october crassy whatever team spans advances to the final round.
>> gets to go head-to-head with the great-- . >> jon: we know. >> yes. >> jon: so who is your money on to win the whole thing? >> the same people who always win the guys who run the game. >> jon: ncaa. >> no the ncan military contractors and arms manufacturers. >> jon: yeah. >> they make money off every team in the bracket as long as there is madness and marching they win. >> jon: bassem youssef everybody, thank you for the explanation am you killed it! they say after seeing a magician make his assistant disappear mr.clean came up with a product that makes dirt virtually disappear. he called it the magic eraser. it cleans like magic. even baked on dirt disappears right before your eyes. mr.clean's magic eraser.
discover card. hey, i heard you guys can help me with frog protection? sure, we help with fraud protection. if there are unauthorized purchases on your discover card, you're never held responsible. you are saying "frog protection"? fraud. fro-g. frau-d. i think we're on the same page. at discover, we treat you like you'd treat you. fraud protection. get it at discover.com hydration... ...where you least expect it. schick hydro. now with shave oils, the hydrating gel works with skin guards to reduce friction, stroke after stroke. our best shave for your skin. schick hydro. free your skin. [sfx: squeaking brakes] uhh you do know, the experts at midas will tell you what needs fixing now and what can wait, right? like, i dunno...brakes? >>[laughs] of course i do. one of the best things about driving is being able to stop. get up to a hundred dollars back by mail on a two-axle brake service. brakes. tires. oil.
everything. [sfx: mnemonic] you can call me shallow... but, i have a wandering eye. i mean, come on. national gives me the control to choose any car in the aisle i want. i could choose you... or i could choose her if i like her more. and i do. oh, the silent treatment. real mature. so you wanna get out of here? go national. go like a pro.
(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back my guest tonight also known as aad rock from the legendary beastie boys seen in the movie while we're young. >> the pace is democratic t is the goonies and "citizen kane". >> when sgt goonies become a good of. >> you should hear them talk about continues it's like their apartment is full of everything we once through out but it looks so good the way we have it. >> without directed the goonies? >> why is that that when one person picks up their phone everybody else has to. >> i'm not on my phone. >> each of us is so certain we have the most important thing to do right now. >> i know, it's so rude. >> not any morement it used to be but now it's accepted. it's like showing your ankles in the 1800s. >> jon: lease welcome adam horovitz.
>> (cheers and applause) silt. >> first of all con dprat- lations to our new york-- . >> jon: really z you really -- >> no just-- just nice to be here. >> jon: that was, i really thought you popped a -- >> no just relaxing. >> jon: beautiful relax and enjoy. >> i'm to the-- this is the time i'm going to be on the show. >> jon: right now? >> well yeah right now. >> jon: this is amazing. >> i'm just saying i'm on your show it doesn't happen to everybody and here i am.çó >> jon: love to seeñi you. soak it in. >> can i sit there? >> jon: i would be delighted if you would sit there. please. can i get you-- here let me give you a mic pack. there you go. >> in, no i just wanted to see. >> jon: what do you think? >> what did you think about the thing when it happened? it was weird right?
>> jon: you know what, let me ask you a question. >> politics and stuff and jokes. i'm back. i'm back. >> jon: politics and stuff and jokes. >> funny ones. >> jon: it's just hard you summed me up. it took you three seconds. >> and now you're gone. and that's it. >> jon: let me ask a question. >> tell me. >> jon: did you really see my movie? >> no. (laughter) >> i don't like your movies. >> jon: son of a bitch. >> yeah sorry. >> jon: no i meant you. >> yes, i know. >> jon: i'm being you i'm you you're me. >> i don't want to. >> jon: all right let's switch it around. you know what is sad? >> huh? >> jon: physically. >> yes. >> jon: we could pull this off. >> are we related we're cousins. >> jon: give me your face here get a little close. look at this. (applause) at some point in a biblical land my great great great great great gand father and your great great great great grandfather, whatever said
i'm going to go this way you go that way. >> whatever. >> jon: how are you doing? >> i'm great. >> jon: you know i love you. >> i like you, a lot. >> jon: really, not-- i mean -- >> i don't know you. i mean-- you know. >> jon: we've never met. >> you are funny and you tell the stuff the show. >> jon: do you still-- dow still enjoy going to the record stores an going in and browsing. >> i don't. it's more of a-- it's too deep. it's too much. i can't do it right now. >> jon: too deep and too much in terms of -- >> i don't-- you know i have thousands of records from years and years and years and thousands of 45s. and i don't listen to them. >> jon: right, right right. >> enough. i don't spend enough time with them so they will be up set if i'm going to get more friends. i'm just-- you asked me a question and i'm answering 2+ñ as me. >> jon: let me ask you a questionñ sincerely. which record do you think would be the maddest? >> oh meters cabbage alley definitely. absolutely.
>> i spent so long trying to find it. and then i had a moment like a beautiful moment laying on a floor in a record store in pittsburgh. >> jon: oh no. >> yes. lying on the fwloor flipping through the ones a that they don't have out. they have them on the bottom. cabbage alley cabbage alley cabbage alley! >> jon: and you found it. >> and i have it vz when did you find it. >> 20 years ago. >> jon: at that time that was the holy grail? >> it was one of them yes. >> jon: are you still-- what a creative outlet for you. and now obviously you know it's not-- do you still find a way to express yourself through that? >> musically. >> jon: yes. >> yeah, yeah yeah i play in a band with my friend bridget everett. we're called bridget everett and the tender homes. i'm a tenor moment. >> jon: oh really? you are a tender moment. >> i know. >> jon: you realize let me tell you what this is. >> where am i looking here? >> jon: you can look there. >> so you are-- if i may say one of my favorite
performers of all time. and i never would get a chance to hang out with you. so the interview we are having a tender moment but the interview ended like ten minutes ago. so this is all me keeping you here longer than you are-- because i don't know that i will ever get this chance again. and so this is exciting. (applause) >> why are we doing this now and we didn't do this a couple of years ago? >> jon: you don't answer my calls. but i would do that shall did --. >> i need a new phone too if you can talk to the people about the -- >> i'm going to get you a phone a laptop and an album that you've never heard of. >> okay. what dow want? what can i get for you. >> stop it, nothing. can i tell you something you've gotten it for me. no you've gotten it for me. just your time was enough. it was enough. it was enough you. >> you're a class act. >> you're a class act. also he's in a [bleep] movie. in the theaters now adam
horovitz. (cheers and applause) this is smith & forge hard cider. it's like buford here. strong. sturdy... but not too sweet. buford! built from apples. built to refresh. smith & forge hard cider. now on draft. the new s6 hits the stores and i'm like... whoa. open the box and... (sniffing) new phone smell. jump on a video chat with my friend. he's a real fan boy, so i can't wait to show this off. picture is perfect. i got mine at verizon. i... didn't. it's buffering right out of the box he was impressed. i couldn't be happier. couldn't see him but i could hear him making fun of me. vo: you waited this long for the s6 so why settle for anything less than verizon.
here you go. a little token of appreciation. oh, that's... that's... that's great... now i'd say you probably need a large. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. ♪ nexium 24hr. it's the purple pill. the #1 prescribed acid blocking brand. available without a prescription for frequent heartburn. get complete protection. nexium level protectiontm.