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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 23, 2015 12:01am-12:33am PDT

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tweets the show each night. tonight that writer is tim seidell. so "follow" @nightlyshow on twitter and join in the live tweet. and if facebook is more your thing "like" the nightly show to keep track of everything we're doing online. good nightly, everyone. [cheering] it is 11:59 and 59 seconds and this happened on "new york post".com today, if you live in ala you can do it all. one minute you are hanging ten at the beach and the next minute you are having dinner the secret room aloof the chateau marmont where the guy who plays turtle in enter rooming entourage takes thai prostitutes to eat sushi out of river phoenix's skull. but one thing you can't do is see a professional football game, we are one step closer now that plans for a football
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stadium near la have been approved. [ cheers and applause ] the very exciting. , the plan is to find out where the highest to density of gang activity is and then put a stadium there. the plan calls for the chargers to play at the new stadium but chargers doesn't really scream la. what is a better name for our future franchise, kerri kenney-silver, go. >> tom cruise presents los angeles sports balls. >> chris: all right. that was specific. >> chris: randy sklar, go. >> the la implants. >> they don't belong here and they are a lot bigger than we expected. >> chris: the tag line should be our eyes are up here. >> hey! >> chris: jason. >> the la waiters. who will do anything for an
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audition, and i mean anything. >> chris: all right. it's time to start @midnight! [ cheers and applause captioning sponsored by comedy central ] welcome to @midnight. i am chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are from wet hot american summer, first day of the camp coming to netflix july 17, kerri kenney-silver! [ cheers and applause ] performing at the parish in austin, texas april 25th for the moontower fest central, it's randy sklar! >> thank you! >> chris: what is going on, randall? >> i am excited there could be football here in los angeles, although like they are saying the raiders might come down, the raiders used to be here, they are up in oakland but now they are back. it is like if your friend got together with his ex-wife you would be like, ah -- >> chris: oh, no. we talked a bunch of (bleep)
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about her. >> from you are doing it wrong, premiering on pbs digital may 6th, it's jason sklar! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: now, everyone knows that the world of local news is a (bleep)ing bloodbath and there is no market more mercy less than southern florida, but through the toilet gators and redneck weapon goofs there is one team that has emerged victorious from the ashes like a beautiful news phoenix and they are known on this plane of existence as southwest florida's own wink news. >> yeah f the wink news team. >> everyone is winking. >> why is no one winking? no, sir force. >> oh, they are winking just not with their eyes. >> they came they saw, they conquered, they got the
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exclusive scoop on the arrest of the drunk driving grandma. >> ma'am, do you know why you're going to jail? >> if you can't stand on leg on a good day. >> taken away in handcuffs her grandson ran up and gave her a hug. >> chris: oh! >> you be good grandma, i fought dollar in your birthday card now put it in the g string. >> but the g stands for grandma. >> chris: comedians, as this drunk bikinied grannie use your one phone call, kerri kenney-silver. >> hey kids turn on the tv, grandma is wearing the bikini you got me for hanukkah. >> chris: points. >> randy. >> you pussies are lucky i am even wearing my driving bikini. hang on. hang on a second.
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earl, this is for you! >> chris: points. rascals without wheels. >> all right. let's take a moment to cleanse our brains palate. because on @midnight we would like to first to wish you tube a happy anniversary. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: today, it is kind of hard to imagine a world without youtube, i mean it really did slip, like the way that we shared our entertainment in our culture and empowered individual people. youtube is one of the most incredible inventions in the history of humanity, i mean you think about how it changed society, how however, if you ever read the comment thread on a youtube video, that is the taint of humanity. now, it was ten years ago today, the first youtube video, me at the zoo was posted, this is what
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it was. >> the cool thing about these guys is that they have really really, really long trunks. >> he was just describing elephants. >> the cool thing about elephants they have noses but like they are long. >> the great thing about elephants is that they remember (bleep). >> i wonder if he can hear better with those big ears. >> chris: hey elephant i have a couple of betos for you. >> how this guy has evolved. >> >> chris: points. but we really have come a long way since me at the zoo. actually we have not, we are doing exactly the same thing but something tragically go wrong and youtube goes the way of myspace, what do you expect the last youtube video ever posted. >> a rainbow guy getting go beat up at a gay pride parade.
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>> chris: points. >> i think it is going to be keyboard cat getting put to sleep. >> chris: guys, guys -- >> say it for -- >> don't be upset, keyboard cat is already dead. >> chris: points. >> that's the end of rapid refresh and now tonight for, now it is time for tonight's hashtag wars. >> earth day is when you look back and see only one set of carbon footprints in the stand and really that is where earl jones was carrying you this is the most secular of holidays looked like 20 years ago in 1995. >> earth day at walt disney world with your host ed begley junior and edna delaney, shaquille o'neill, the recommend grants patricia and jay thomas, and 0 john tra travolta.
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>> you did it, nineties celebs, you saved the goddamn future, we are all okay. we are all alive. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: that's why, tonight's hashtag is earth in three words, #earthin3words, examples might be sharknados are imminent, or no more water, or the moon's bitch. i am putting 60-seconding on the clock, begin. >> yes, jay. >> show your tits. >> chris: points. kerri. >> sucks without trees. >> chris: points. >> too many kardashians. [ cheers and applause ] >> too many kardashians. >> chris: points. jay. >> tyler perry presents. >> chris: points. >> earth. >> chris: randy. >> shiner's trash can. >> chris: point. kerri. >> kanye and friends. >> chris: points. that is the end of the hashtag wars, send us your hashtag wars #earthin3words and keep the game
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going. we will be right back with more @midnight. >> our tweet of the day from last night's hashtag wars was sent to us by @pliggett. liggett, liggett get ahead of the curve with t-mobile. and get your hands on the new samsung galaxy s6 edge all for just zero down, now nothing is holding you back. get it today. at t-mobile. sooo, you're all set to book a flight using rewards miles from your airline credit card. but then the illusion begins. the flights you really want - surprise - they're not available because they cost a ridiculous number of miles. enough is enough... switch to the capital one venture card. with venture, you'll earn unlimited double miles. and using those miles is easy. just book any flight you want, on any airline. then use your miles to cover the cost. no blackout dates. what's in your wallet?
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what made you switch to taco bell breakfast? it's like it doesn't matter where you go it's the same thing which is like an english muffin with an egg on top! what do you eat now? i've got the chicken biscuit taco. and i've got the egg, bacon and cheese biscuit taco. i don't want to be spokesperson to the south, necessarily, i don't want to be spokesperson to the south, necessarily, [laughter] but, i can guarantee you that this is almost as good... [laughter] ...it is as good as mama's cooking. that's a bold statement! this is a good biscuit! that's a bold statement! [laughter] my name is mary. my name is dominic. and i am a breakfast defector! ♪ [bong!] ♪ ♪ and i said hey, hey hey hey ♪ ♪ living like we're renegades ♪ ♪ hey, hey hey hey ♪ ♪ hey hey hey ♪ ♪ living like we're renegades ♪ ♪ renegades ♪ seansmagee. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. so yesterday split cider published the next wave of 2015 the top up and coming cop mix in los angeles and you see our immensely talented writers, mr. dave thomason made the list.
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get up here, dave. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: this is dave. he is our writer's assistant and this is what splitsider said about them, a comic who makes sharp sometimes dark wit even more delightful. congratulations dave. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: it is so nice to have you on the team. now where is my (bleep)ing cronuts! >> this is funny. you are not going to (bleep) why even bother. >> if you can't make the top 25 cronus getters. >> chris: now it is time to play wish you were here wish you were here. yes e-mail and direct messaging has made communicating with others fun and convenient in the digital age, but what about all those antiquated forms of communication like smoke signals, carrier pigeons and the ever popular postcard,
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fortunately the bad postcards tumblr archives some of the worst of all-time. i will show you a real bad postcard for 250 points i want you to give me a line you would expect to see written on it the. >> this southern a abomination. >> oh! >> chris: jason. >> finally ate at kobe teat, keith's restaurant, the ku klux klan chowder was to die for. >> at least you were here wish you were here, and white. >> chris: points. next one t is gun toting lawman. >> he is going to take you to jail, jason. >> dale says i have a very forgiving anus. >> chris: i would love so see that written on this postcard. kerri. >> gres who broke his restraining order again! >> guess who broke his restraining order again! >> chris: points. last one, this cheese city tourist trap.
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>> .. i told your mother what do you say we go around the other side of this thing and put some holes in it. >> hashtag slip fist. >> chris: points. >> glory cheese. >> it is. >> chris: points. that's the end of wish you were here. time for our next game, raise the bar mitzvah! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: raise the bar mitts is a. >> bar mitzvah. watch out justin bieber, and rebecca black, there's a new crop of talented you tube stars that are about to go viral with their incredible singing skills. of course i am refer to the over the top bar mitzvah invitation videos. i will describe two scenarios for 250 points i want you to tell they which is actually featured in a kid's real bar mitzvah invitation video. >> a.
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>> i will say rapping bar mitzvah surrounded by jewelry and women twice his age, we will see. >> yeah, because when i turn 13, i am going to be a man, are you ready for a big party in amsterdam. come out to damages, celebration and play. >> what is wrong with me i was hoping there would be a shot with him with a girl in front of him and just -- >> not pushing the bubbie. >> he is an og, an original giselta. >> chris: are you say he torah that (bleep) out. >> -- little freak. >> chris: parody of ludacris song welcome to atlanta or hozier song called take me to temple. >> you have to do take me to temple. >> jews cannot like pass up a good pun, i am telling you, take me to the temple. let's find out. >> welcome to atlanta where the game is played, i hope you can
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make my bar mitzvah day. 13 years since i was born, and the party won't stop until sunday morning. >> whoa. >> i mean, i am sorry, i'm sorry, i am sensitive to all people and they still put a jewish boy on a train in this video. >> where is he going? where is he going? >> where is he going? >> >> chris: kerri 250 points for being socially conscious. >> chris: that's the end of the raise the bar mitzvah, before we wrap it up you brought a photo from your own bar mitzvah, randy and jay and i feel we have to look at that right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> mustache! >> chris: mustache! >> we squeezed these two jewish kids out with 14-year-old pure know/foe i are canals. >> chris: you are not ready to grow facial harriet and you said
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(bleep) you we are going to do it anyway. >> our parents are like you have got to shave, you have got to shave a these will be your pictures you will have the rest of your life we don't want to shave because that that means we will have to start shaving for the rest of our lives and this (bleep) happens. >> i say look out ralph monteo. >> chris: time for the live challenge, tweet it in: promcom, presented by t-mobile. >> if a few weeks ago we, we humbly requested you to send us your embarrassing prom photos, the and you delivered in a big way. i am so sorry what you all went through at your prom but, at our sklar bar mitzvah, but you can change the game on @midnight, check out this submission by seansmagee. >> look at that. is that a prom photo? >> a daredevil prompt? >> stylish couple, totally owning the moment, comedians as the photographer here i would
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like you to get this couple to pose for the night they will never forget. we will get your answers when we come back with more @midnight. strong can heal from miles away. ...unite us for a common good. ...and turn a simple video into endless laughter. strong can take you... ...all the way to the summit. oh my! so cool! think what strong can do for you. can i play too? at&t's network now has the nation's strongest 4g lte signal. here's some exciting news. the irwin vise-grip curved jaw pliers have 3x the gripping power of traditional locking pliers.
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do you regularly wear underwear? do you wear underwear? (laugh) yeah yes (laugh) i never wear underwear. is that too much information? yes now, do you think you can get too much information from your car? no this is an email from my car. there are 100s of diagnostics that the vehicle gathers and sends to me. does anyone want to meet the sender of this email? this is a 2015 chevy malibu. i love it. so, what brings you to jersey? well, geico's the #1 auto insurer in new jersey, new york and connecticut. so i just came by to say "thanks." #1, huh? that's great. here you go. a little token of appreciation. oh, that's... that's... that's great...
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now i'd say you probably need a large. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you this prom photo submit bid a fan
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as part of our tweet it in challenge and i asked you to act as the photograph tore get this couple to pose for this picture. let's see what you came up with. let's start a with you jason. >> okay. you both have been blinded by the same explosion. but that doesn't mean that we can't have fun tonight! >> come on, guys! >> chris: kerri. >> smile at the camera like you are about to do crystal meth in the back of a pickup truck. >> chris: all right, sir. randy. >> okay. smile like he is not going to hit you with that cain at the after party. >> chris: thank god. do i go for drugs or abuse? 1,000-point to kerri, and 500 points to randy and jason. >> i am fine with that. >> chris: our next tweeted in challenge by the way is worse selfies with the hashtags and now it is time for death of the
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party, death of the party. >> chris: it a fraternity at the university of texas got some frankly well deserved heat last year when it threw a border patrol themed party that could be miss con striewts, misconstrued as slightly horribly racist. this year, though, the ut intrafraternity council is cleaning up its act and sent out a list of offensive and nonoffensive party themes. offensive party themes include, golf pros and tennis hos, gals and gauchos and aristocrats and trophy wives. separably not offensive party themes include, disco party, pajama winter winter won dr., land and p for party. >> that is like no is for no. >> chris: what are other nonoffensive frat party themes, begin. >> jesus posed also up. >> chris: points.
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>> muffin jamboree. >> chris: points. jason. >> sweat shirts and mom jeans. >> chris: points. >> if you can't beat them, stine, a feminist jamboree. >> chris: yes. some guy in the audience it is like yes yes, points. randy. >> slut respecting. >> chris: points. kerri. >> come dressed in your favorite character from the seminal work i know why the caged bird sings. >> chris: points. >> the indoor voice poetry class. >> chris: points. all right. i will tell you something. i don't want to eliminate anyone because i want to see -- i love all of you and i want to see -- [ cheers and applause ] >> chris:. >> the other day my friend said the days you don't eliminate someone is because someone's agent cut a deal. >> we all have the same agent.
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>> i know why you are keeping both of the sklars in because if you eliminate one, the other one will beat you to a bloody pulp. >> chris:. >> it's time for the birds and the bees and the stinging, it's for the win! >> >> online dating profiles are often filled with exaggerations and flat utilize. but barstool sports turned us on to perhaps the world's most honest tinder profile, like in, in addition to hopefully meeting someone wonderful i want to take a moment to educate you on hsv 1 cold sores and hsv 2 genitals herpes, 1 in 4 people have herpes i have hsv 2. >> if you want. >> her laugh isn't the only thing that is contagious. >> i think it is great she is very knowledgeable and very honest about the herpes but after reading this i think some potential suitors may have, may hesitate before swiping right so comedians i would like you to
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come up with your own super honest tinder tag line, we will have our comedians answers when we come back to @midnight. the new s6 hits the stores and i'm like... whoa. open the box and... (sniffing) new phone smell. jump on a video chat with my friend. he's a real fan boy, so i can't wait to show this off. picture is perfect. i got mine at verizon. i... didn't. it's buffering right out of the box he was impressed. i couldn't be happier. couldn't see him but i could hear him making fun of me. vo: you waited this long for the s6 so why settle for anything less than verizon. ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪
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now that you've switched to taco bell breakfast what do you eat? i've got the chicken biscuit taco. and i've got the egg, bacon and cheese biscuit taco. i don't want to be the spokesperson for the south but, this is as good as mama's cooking. my name is mary. my name is dominic. and i am a breakfast defector! ♪ [bong!] >> welcome back too @midnight. it's time for for the win.
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>> wipe, wipe, wipe, all right it all comes down to this, i will read your answers out loud, you the audience will decide who the winner should be before the break, i showed you the tinder profile of a woman talking about having genital herpes. very honestly you have to respect her for that, it is nice she was so up front about it but i ask you to come up with your super honest tag lines. let's see what you wrote. >> first one. in addition to hopefully meeting someone special i how old sentencings i -- 60 into the walls of my apartment and inhaling their fee sees will cause a respiratory condition so hit me up cough, cough wheeze. >> .. >> number 2. hey, i like netflix and happy hours, i am into sulking and writing threatening letters to congressmen and masturbating while watching night --
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>> or. my hemorrhoids are so intense i have to sit on a stationary bike for 20 minutes after i poop. and this is kind of embarrassing but, i am also a bit of a taylor swift fan. >> the number 3. who is number 3? jason sklar! you have won the internet! you are the funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours, we will see you tomorrow night when our guests will be randall park, tim simons and sam richardson. until then, send us your twitters with hashtag #earthin3words, become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i am @nerdist on announcer (v.o.): previously on big time... mr. scoles? that's me. turns out that del got my oldest son hooked on drugs. hey, del... you stay away from ben and jack dolfe. we need you, del, okay? ben (on phone) cuba gooding jr.'s here and he wants to work with us. my best friend needs me. stupid junkies... never learn.
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