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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 20, 2015 1:36am-2:10am PDT

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>> jon: hey, everybody, that's all for us. larry wilmore at the it nightly show, larry. >> hello jon. and hello to the american people, hello folks. >> jon: that is-- is that euro bama impression? >> you bet. but but-- uh-- with the next election coming i've got to get it in while i can do what i got to do.
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>> jon: i think it's time to move on to a hillary impression? >> jon if that was my o bomba impression how good do you think my hillary impression is going to be. >> jon: point well taken. larry wilmore. that was it here is your moment of zen. >> newt gingrich in his gradual rise in the polls has turned into a surge. >> he wasn't the perfect husband did things that were wrongxd asked god's forgiveness. i think a lot o >> larry: tonightly, ben carson announces he's running for president. i haven't heard anything that shaky since jamie foxx tried to sing the national anthem. (laughter) rand paul says he's glad his campaign didn't stop in baltimore. i've got a good idea of where else his campaign won't be stopping. (laughter)
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and finally... bill nye the science guy is here. we'll probe the science of a grown man still trying to pull off a bow tie. (laughter) no justice, no peace, no "the nightly show"! let's do this! captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ >> larry: thank you very much! thank you! thank you. thank you! (audience chanting larry) >> larry: oh, that's good! very nice! larry... very good, very good! welcome to the "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. we have a great program tonight. bill nye the science guy the
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joining us on panel, so that should be a lot of fun. i have a lot of science questions for him. but first, it's time for an election update. roll that beautiful intro! ♪ yeah, it's the unblackening! who's going to try to unblacken us now? >> i'm ben carson, and i'm a candidate for president of the united states. (cheers and applause) (audience booing) >> larry: we're going to re-black? is his whole campaign based on "once you go black you don't go back"? all right. actually, it's perfect timing for dr. ben carson to jump in. black guy, spent the last three decades working in baltimore. he's definitely going to capitalize on all of that to score some points in the community. >> you're obviously in florida right now talking to me. >> larry: florida? is there a baltimore, florida?
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oh, i get it -- maybe he's in florida to clear his head so he can work on his baltimore strategy. nice. good play, doctor. >> why aren't you there? because i'm here. i can only be in one place at one time. >> larry: you don't have to be so snippy about it, doc. it's a good question -- you are a black dude from baltimore running for president. do you have any plans to go? >> i've weighed in on this in multiple situations, so i'm not going to break commitments that i have elsewhere when i can easily get the information disseminated. >> larry: okay, brother. you're not going to go! calm down! somebody needs to check his bedside manner. are there any candidates for president who have visited baltimore? oh rand paul. he spoke at howard, he's all about criminal justice reform. he's probably on the midnight
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train to baltimore right now. >> it's depressing, it's sad it's scary. i came through the train on baltimore last night. i'm glad the train didn't stop. (audience reacts) >> larry: it's sad, it's scary and i'm glad the train didn't stop? how presidential! it reminds me of that famous kennedy speech -- ask not what your country can do for you -- ask how you can avoid the most troubled parts of your country all right. (cheers and applause) particularly the darker parts ." rand paul wasn't the only one who wasn't paying close attention in baltimore. watch what happened when this cnn reporter thought he was interviewing music mogul russell simmons when, in reality, he was interviewing russell simmons' business partner kevin liles. >> and we have a couple of local celebrities here who are about to talk to us. you bear a striking resemblance to russell simmons. you tell me you're not him, you tell me you're kevin liles. i'm not sure i believe you. we think this is russell
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simmons. >> larry: wolf, no "we" don't. don't listen to him, wolf. oh, so all brothers look alike huh, guys? you know what? i'm sick of this. let's get a picture of kevin liles and russell simmons side by side and put an end to this ridiculous myth that -- oh, they do kind of look similar. (laughter) i'm glad we had the names underneath. okay. i guess the lesson here is that some brothers "may" favor each other. but even so, in what world do you think russell simmons is lying to you about being russell simmons? here to tell us more about the situation on the ground in baltimore is "the nightly show" white guy jack.
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>> larry: hey, jack. what's going on on the ground in baltimore tonight? >> jack: everybody who's anybody who's black is here tonight, larry. all the big names -- denzel p. diddy, buster douglas, barack obama. >> larry: wait, jack. are you sure the president was in baltimore? because the president was in the bronx today. >> jack: president's got to move fast larry. that's part of their mystique. but it was definitely him. he came out of one of those porta-potties by himself. he's smaller in person and seems kind of fat, too. like five-seven -- >> larry: no, okay, jack -- that is definitely not him. i don't think you saw obama. i think you just saw a random brother. >> jack: not true, larry, and it wasn't just obama. i saw prince, beyonce, morgan freeman, sammy davis, jr. >> larry: wait, wait, wait -- sammy davis, jr.? he's not even alive. he's been dead for years. >> jack: well, he looked pretty good today. but the biggest one of all -- let me show you. i have a clip of it.
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yeah? huh? >> larry: who was that? >> jack: larry, that's oprah! >> larry: oprah? >> only the most famous woman in the world. >> larry: first of all, she doesn't even look like oprah. secondly, she's in a wheelchair! >> jack: yeah, i know. it's kind of sad. i guess after her show got canceled, she hit some hard times. >> larry: look, jack, i think you need to stop making up who people are. have you ever considered asking somebody who they are and just believing them? >> jack: that doesn't sound like journalism, larry. oh! rick james! rick! >> larry: jack, everybody! (cheers and applause) although reporters may have been confusing people, the police were not. now look how the police
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responded to this black guy who was out past curfew. now, you might say, "well, larry, he's out past curfew, he's wearing a" (bleep) the police" t-shirt, he's walking towards the police... why reason with him? please, please, larry. don't make this about race. i'm sure they treated anyone out past curfew the same. okay, i know you're going to show us a clip of how they treated white curfew breakers." yes, that's exactly what i'm going to do. (applause) >> do me a favor. the last thing i want to do is put someone in handcuffs. >> larry: one gets pepper spray, the other gets please.
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i'm not trying to make this a race thing it just is! we'll be right back! ♪ (music throughout) ♪ sfx: (smash) sfx: (roar) ♪ sfx: (roar) sfx: (engine roars) our pizza hut big flavor dipper pizza is almost two-feet of pizza. whoa. you're gonna need a bigger car. get the new big flavor dipper pizza with four flavorful sauces and a free pepsi 2-liter with online orders. just $12.99. only at pizza hut.
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>> larry: welcome back! if you have been watching the news coverage of baltimore, you know the news coverage is of aggressive and violent coverage. joining us is our "the nightly show" reporter jordan carlos. >> i thought, let me make a name for myself on the streets of baltimomo. i found some action. take a look. >> come on, we are at the butt end of the demonstration right now. we're about to meet a lot of people. we're going to catch up, comingle with the crowd, see what they're into. what does it feel like to be the cutest common administrator out
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today? >> i'mit's feeling good. >> larry:.>> jordan: you're darn tootin' it does. i can't keep up with justice. i love what you're wearing it's fine. should we all go to joseph bank and get a nice suit. you're taking it to the old kind of civil rights. >> malcolm x started in jeans and a t-shirt and went to a zuitsuit. >> jordan: we're so far behind in the rally people have lapped us. i wish it was a 25-29 demographic common administrator, if it was a little slower, it would be great. do you have something like an uber here? >> no. probably five times the price now. you know what i'm sayin'? >> jordan: no justice, no
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peace man. that's injustice. that's injustice. >> larry: jordan, i thought you were going to give us some grit, some gang stuff, really get into is it guts of the story. >> jordan: you didn't like what that guy was wearing? he was wearing a jacket! could have gone down any second. >> larry: she was a 4-year-old girl. >> jordan: she was five. look at the future of justice! >> larry: what about the pepper spray and the curfew, so much grittiness! what was that? >> jordan: that was crazy! i don't know if you notice i'm black and i don't want to be near pepper spray at all. i'm not a huge fan of confrontation. i went to brown. so -- (laughter) i'm a food co-op guy! >> larry: jordan carlos,
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(cheers and applause) look at that! wow! you know bill's going to drop some science on you. (laughter) a lot happened over the weekend. let's get to it. i want to show it again the brother getting the pepper spray. (cops saying "please" to white kid) this is what happened when the white guys were out past curfew. >> i'm going to ask you now to please leave. >> larry: my question to you, bill nye the science guy, from a science perspective is pepper spray not effective on white people? >> the little bit of testing i've done it's really effective on my people. (laughter) just like your people pepper spray-wise.
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>> obviously, it doesn't work on black people because he took that one. >> he kept going! took that like, yum yum, yum, yum yum! we need a burrito. >> he was about to hulk out and go down! >> it only works on white people if it's organic. (laughter) >> kosher organic. >> larry: in all fairness, he was wearing a "(bleep) the police" t-shirt. >> that's a message. >> larry: exactly. how does that factor into the decision to pepper spray. >> if you come up to me with a (bleep) you t-shirt i'm going to punch him in the face (laughter) >> but that's the problem, people look at it as negative. the cops could go out and have
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sex with a cop and stop shooting them! it could be song lyrics. >> exactly. >> larry: you don't see it as positive, the (bleep) the police t-shirt? >> not right away. maybe he was talking about the band, "the police." my mother loves them. >> larry: wouldn't that be horrible if that was it and this happened. that would be a tragedy. the guy insisting kevin liles with us russell simmons. let's see that again. >> you tell me you're kef kevin liles? we think this is russell simmons wolf. >> larry: bill nye the science guy, is there a scientific explanation of this or is it just douchey? >> before we go down the race road -- >> larry: oh, i didn't go down there i said douchey. >> no, you never do. (laughter) , no douchey -- yeah, if i -- if
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the producer is in your ear and you're under pressure, that's the guy from def jam! that's the guy! i'm telling you! you know, like he's listening, and then -- >> larry: he's like no (bleep) that guy. he's russell simmons! >> exactly! >> larry: like the guy is going to say you're right, what was i thinking? >> right. my take on it, it doesn't bother me. if you don't live around black people, if you haven't been around a lot of black people -- i can understand why you might not be able to. listen i don't live around a lot of white people and sometimes y'all blend. i'm sorry. you do. i saw you eight times today. eight times. on the train. i was like, he was singing,
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right? on the e train! >> larry: you saw him eight different times? >> eight different times. you're catching on. i>> larry: i was like, what are you doing on the a train, bill? does racism exist in the animal kingdom? >> tribalism exists in the animal kingdom. this is what i think is at the base of this. have we talked about ultraviolet light? >> larry: no. you're going to jump on this. everybody from east africa you migrate into mesopotamia, tigers in the euphrates, you have to to have the breaking down of your folic acid.
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then migrate across asia raising wheat, eating stuff then the ice age, all the stuff is frozen in the mountains, you can walk to sarah palin's future house, and then you come down the west coast -- >> larry: i feel racism is about to start. i feel like it's starting. >> it's started, because you've got these tribes and they have different skin color as a result of ultraviolet light. now, you can run this test larry. >> larry: what is the test? if a guy from norway one of my people -- >> larry: yeah. -- has an interaction, can we say interaction on television? >> larry: we're on basic cable. with a come from zimbabwe, all you're going to get is a human you won't get some other new thing. >> larry: you're going to get some good hair too. that's a joke. >> we're all the same thing fromta scientific standpoint, so
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there's no such thing as racism but there is such a thing as tribalism. >> larry: you got that, when a guy from norway has sex with an african woman, racism is over. that's what you said, right? >> you got it. (laughter) (applause) >> if i can split the meaning of race vs. tribe and give you that then yeah. >> larry: here's what i want to do. we'll ask bill nye the science guy anything you want. if you can ask bill nye the science guy anything you want. mike? >> this has always baffled me from the time i was a child. how is it that you put a needle on a record and it plays music? what kind of witchcraft is that? >> is this lost on many of the younger listeners? >> larry: they have no idea
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what a record is. my question is why are you still playing records? (laughter) >> the needle often made of gem stone diamond sapphire sort of thing, and then has a crystal which when you bend it makes an electrical current and some of you might have the motor computers that have a fan that's an electric thing converts the mechanical motion to have the needle into an electrical signal which we amplify! >> larry: come on, man, seriously... >> you act like you knew this. then there's two coils of wire -- >> larry: i think we've got it. ask him anything. >> why do men have nipples? (laughter) (applause) >> a great question. is this a hernia? >> larry: why do men have nipples? >> it's left over. as we say in evolution, it's not top-down design, it's
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bottom-up. so if you have nipples and you're still carrying on as boys and girls, there's no reason to get rid of them, there they are. >> larry: i love that. it's leftovers. >> yours are connected. this is the thing about a evolution. why do you wear out? why does my eyesight go? you're good enough. >> larry: explain the science behind why black doesn't crack? >> there is a lot of speculation. >> larry: it's true blacks don't crack. >> because you're more ultra resistant to ultraviolet light. >> larry: ultraviolet light is the answer to every problem we have! we'll be back! everything! (cheers and applause)
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all new color by behr. exclusively at the home depot. mitch! mr. barnes!? partying tonight? we have that presentation tomorrow...? oh, no, just a harmless little get-together. mitch, i was young once; i know what it means when you have tostitos. uh... oh, i could tell you some stories. man, these rolls hold a lot of queso. so are you, like, fired? actually, i think i'm getting a promotion. shake what you've got everybody. not you, mitch. yes, sir. vo: nothing brings people together like new tostitos rolls! chips. tostitos. bring the party. here's a friend request from the universe. "hi. buy me a drink." just a person to person interaction. put your phone down. you can call me shallow... but, i have a wandering eye. i mean, come on. national gives me the control to choose
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists ricky velez, mike yard, and bill nye the science guy.
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(cheers and applause) don't forget to follow us on twitter and "like" us on facebook to keep track of everything we're doing online. oh, and -- memo to manny pacquiao and floyd mayweather you guys each owe me 50 bucks! not for the lackluster fight, but for making me suffer through jamie foxx singing the anthem. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ et's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on reddit today, it was arguably the worst titled reddit most no way publicity grabbing propaganda post entitled russia cuts nuclear stockpile to minimal levels fulfilling all of the points of the treaty on nonproliferation of nuclear weapons, making, towards


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