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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 21, 2015 12:01am-12:33am PDT

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descended upon our solar system that's all i'm saying. >> larry: that's what i'm talk being. >> okay. >> larry: yes, baby. >> but for us to complete it-- . >> larry: u oh. >> but if you want to be complete all these globes should be flipped over as well. >> larry: oh great. he's just going to keep talking about this. that's good. we have chrissy teigen on monday. good nightly everyone >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on youtube today. >> welp, it's 4/20 and businesses are bending over bongwards to appeal the potheads who don't have any money because they spent it all on pot. marijuana legalization has turned hitler's birthday into a
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crass cheech & chong bit about customer shallation. >> did you technically it is hitler's birthday. >> well don't be so excited about it. >> it was hitler. he's a piece of (bleep) what's wrong with you guys. no cake for hitler! all right. >> yeah, i am real -- going on in a big limb with my no cake for hitler campaign. >> well here is something hitler without be entitled to, ben and jerry, that delightful old gay hippy couple, have chosen the most holy of holy stoner days, to introduce their mind churning ice cream burrito called the brrr-ito which is much more clever in print it makes much more sense in print. enjoy your brrr-ito. >> let's show the test run all day breakfast.
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okay, okay. >> comedians what is another 4/20 related business you would like to see victoria secret is giving out hand jobs but who cares why are we at mcdonalds? all right, hitler super model, hey steve, i sure would like to give you a sweet hand right now, it is like who cares, i am going to mcdonalds, it's breakfast all day. you can do it in the drive through, i guess. ron funches go. >> bouncing white castle. >> it is an actual white castles that are bouncing. >> chris: very good perfect. >> steve. every eighth of marijuana you buy you get a free ticket to paul lard mothball soup. >> i am not joking i saw the other day, it is a comedy about
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comedies. is that better or worse than yogi bear? >> it will blow your breakfast mind. >> chris: it's time to start captioning sponsored by comedy central @midnight! welcome to @midnight, i am chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are three of my favorites. performing at the punch line in san francisco april 29th through may 2nd, it's steve agee! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: wearing your lady guidance counselor glasses. >> christopher! >> chris: from "undateable" tuesday on nbc performing at the hollywood improv may 16th it's ronald funches! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: from "silicon valley", sundays, tj miller does
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not have a for stand-up tour dates it's tj miller. >> i can't help but notice the chain on the jacket. >> it is 4/20, bro 4/20. >> like my jacket, totally messed up. instant support. this is a perfect place to start are ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris:. >> in a world where any new major movie teaser trailer blows up the internet, this weekend was the mother (bleep)ing blow upest. >> huge weekend for trailers, of course, this trailer-maggeddon all started with the new a star wars teaser. [ cheers and applause ] >> our first looksie of beached
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star destroyers and little volleyball droids in which the force awakened many a nerd boners and apparently harrison ford could not convince jj abrams that an older the than solo would wear a single earring so -- >> it happens. then we got our first teaser for affleck versus superman. >> [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: all right. show some -- this is bat dark and super brooding and hans zimmer with his music soundtrack, i love, well classical and especially owhhnnnnn and just in morning, the full trailer for jurassic world. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: in which everything at the park goes according to
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plan. no! i am kidding. dinos (bleep), (bleep) up i think is an excellent time to play (bleep) marry kill, star wars, batman versus superman jurassic world, fmk? >> ron. >> i will (bleep) star wars a because they have been (bleep)ing over their fans for years. >> i will kill batman versus superman because then it is batman versus superman and versus ron funches and that is fun. >> and then i would marry jurassic world because i think the t rex would support and provide for me. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: 100 points. ron funches. >> tj. >> i would (bleep) star wars because you know with jj abrams at the helms it is going to be
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good. >> that (bleep) is going to be tight. you know admiral akbar gives the best blow jobs. oh yeah. rrrarrr. >> rarara! >> i want to (bleep) star wars. >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh now time for the hashtag wars. [ cheers and applause ] >> i don't think the hashtag wars have ever gotten bleacher stumped before. >> very exciting. >> 4/20. >> 420. >> some people online give the hashtag wars (bleep) don't be such a (bleep) hipster crank.
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>> but now it is post midnight, 4/20 is officially over, put down your pipes. >> lock it up. oh 4/20 is over, can't do this anymore. >> i love -- but only once a year. >> and just a 24-hour period. >> please try to focus, all right? because tonight's hashtag is, 4 the #420regrets. >> examples would be i passed the dutchie on the right-hand side. or these commemorative neck tattoos or dropped out of high school to pursue life of crime ron. >> i bought the afro man cd force. >> chris: points. ron. >> i talked to a cat for an hour but i forgot to ask its names. >> chris: points. tj. >> i forgot to put on visine before i put on stage.
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>> chris: points. steve. >> the time i bleeped a bucket of apple sauce. >> chris: points. ron. >> i don't know where i am currently. >> chris: you are @midnight and you are among friends, points. tj. >> i had the best i accidentally had the best time of my life on hitler's birthday. >> chris: no cake for hitler! steve. >> that time i ate a bucket of apple sauce. >> chris: after you bleeped it? points. tj. >> i used marijuana as a gateway drug. to more marijuana. >> chris: points. steve. >> i left let the kids i baby-sat with drown in a pool. >> chris: you can't be upset by that? who the (bleep) would let you baby-sit?
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>> exactly, thank you. >> pop, crackle, accident. >> chris: points. send up your hashtag wars hear #420regrets and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. i think that was responsible for why that movie made $25 million over the weekend. >> it was better than any marketing the film did. this was sent to us by paul blart 2. >> we will be right back with more @midnight. >> last year, bud light built a town called whatever usa. this once in a lifetime town is happening again! and all that's standing between you and a chance at - woooooo! - is sharing a fifteen second audition video! tell us why you should go using #upforwhatever and #audition.
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this is the movie you've all been waiting for... this is your mission. noo...this is an envelope. that's actually... we're all gonna die! ...not a movie. i don't know anything! do you think i'm an idiot?! ahhhhh! but, really, just a commercial... reminding people to eat m&m's. wait...what? this is just a commercial?? um...can someone shut off the missile? ♪
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(playing harmonica) get your own liquid gold. go on, git! there's gold in them thar shells. liquid gold. welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play pit of despair. >> well, the music festival known as coachella ended yesterday, it will take days to get the hot desert stink off and weeks to find out you're pregnant. swaying side to side while
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instagramming the show is no way to enjoy live music. the best way is to dropkick a 16-year-old at the center of a brutal mosh pit. >> name the concert festival from this video of a mosh pit. >> >> chris: steve. >> literal burning man. >> chris: points. ron. >> typical white person, 4th of july. >> chris: what can we do? take off our shirts and we burn ourselves. the next one these juvenile delinquents. >> funches. >> oshkosh the mosh pit.
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>> points! well said. >> chris: steve. >> coach children. >> chris: points. last one. this solo artist. >> oh, my god. attacked bay mutant butter fly. >> that was my birthday party. >> chris: no, it wasn't. >> i did not give you guys permission to use this video. >> chris: well, just for that i will give you points. steve. >> mentally ill is fair. >> chris: that's the end of pit of despair time for the next game, high mall. >> chris: you know, finding a
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perfect gift for stoner in your life can be tough. you've already given them the blu-ray of "fight club" and that cho indicated throw pillow that reads it it doesn't matter that your dad thinks you are a failure (bleep) that guy. >> never fear the web is full of dank gifts for your smelliest of loved ones. tell us which one is real. >> etsy pipe shaped like pikachu or one from frozen. >> i am assuming you get both easily. >> you have to pick one. >> 0 laugh because he is olav because he is down. >> pikachu! pokemon! >> $9.95 for that. got to smoke them all. hey chris, i have a something for you. >> you can get that for $39, 99.
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>> chris: a big lebowski manger scene for christmas or pillows shaped by dank nugz. >> actually i sleep every night on a big lebowski manger scene for christmas. >> chris: points. >> you know what? now that i see this manger and not manager -- i am going to go with pillow shaped like dank nugz. >> the correct answer is, a pillow! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: that's worse than a pikachu pipe. >> last one. stoner parenting guide on how to raise a chill dude or a sex pot sex guide. >> i was working on how to raise
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a chill dude so i am going to assume it is sex pot. >> chris: let's see what it is. sex pot! how to get it on! >> for bonus points what is sex move you would find in this move, steve agee. >> the benson interruption. >> chris: it is when you are having sex and chris hardwick asks you to be on this pod cast. >> starting to doze doze off and deny you are dozing off and stop to order ramen. >> chris:, next challenge coach hello, coachella is it me you are looking for. coachella may have ended yesterday but the new drug induced friendships last
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forever. they track down the random person they made out with. >> one of our famoused missed connections is this one i gave you an awkward hug after alt-j. >> i couldn't write down your number because a dragon made of tampons stole my pen and then i ate a brrr-ito. >> comedians i would like wrote to you write your own missed connection from coachella and get your answers after the break. we will be right back with more @midnight. >> a piece of cheese. a simple act can forge a connection with the barkeep. and i'm making a metaphor for you. cheese, in this situation, equals money. just tip your bartender. ♪ this memorial day weekend only t-mobile has the samsung galaxy s6 edge with double the memory for free. that's right. pay for 32 gigs, and
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we were below the 88th southern parallel. we had traveled for over 850 miles. my men driven nearly mad from starvation and frostbite. today we make history. >>bienvenidos! welcome to the south pole! if you're dora the explorer, you explore. it's what you do. >>what took you so long? if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance you switch to geico. it's what you do. >>you did it, yay! (birds chirping & squawking) (loud bird squawk) (baby birds chirping) nature i like this place! ♪ old spice whistle okay guys, we've got two cars here. we're going to start watching a movie in the chevy malibu. ♪ (kids laughing) he's flying
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ok guys, pause the movie we're going to watch the rest in the toyota camry. hit play again ehhh. what happened? you can't watch the movie. ugh... no network connection. who wants to go back in the chevy malibu? me! let's go! peace out! chevrolet. the first and only car company to bring built-in 4g lte wi-fi to cars, trucks and crossovers. this is cool. yeah.
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welcome back to @midnight. >> before the break, i told you about coachella missed, allows festival attendees to be connected with all the wonderful strangers they met this year and asked you to write your own missed connection, let's start with you, tj miller. >> wearing your floppy farmer hat i thought that was ironic
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but kind of good. i accidentally mixed mushrooms and lsd, you, a giant duck that talks with the voice of my father, feathers metaled into the concept of yellow. want to grab coffee at intelligentsia? >> chris: i am sure yellow willanswer that. ron. >> i was the man who fell in love as soon as you touched my lips. you were the bag of shrooms i lost at steely dan. >> chris: all right. steve agee. >> i met you at the coffee bean and we talked about how glad we were to not be at coachella. >> chris: all right. one thousands points to steve agee 500 to ron and steve. >> next we have waste of time. waste of time.
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>> "time" magazine published its annual list of 100 most influential people so i guess you could say we are under a lot of influences today. here is one of the covers they published featuring kanye west. that's the face he made when he found out he was not all 100 people. >> but "time" magazine didn't tell us the 100 least influential people. >> steve. >> pink's optometrist. >> chris: okay. points. tj. >> the father from blossom. >> chris: points. that was actor ted watts. >> i know imla. >> chris: steve. >> n ron hubbard. >> it is a different guy. >> chris: that's a totally different guy. points. >> my ex-girlfriend's parents. >> chris: points. ron. >> the dog that -- i am not going to do it.
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points. >> chris: tj. >> that mother (bleep)ing at the pet shop. >> chris: points. >> chris: steve. >> that guy right there. >> chris: yeah. that guy. >> congratulations on being named steve agee magazines 100 least influential people. congratulations. that is the end of waste of time. i see tj miller you were just in third place. i am so sorry but -- >> it's okay. i don't even know i am here right now. >> chris: 4/20. >> 4/20, bro! >> chris: tj miller! >> that means it's time to have a great summer and never change. it's for the win! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: now, it is no big
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secret the internet is lousy with baby pictures but finally a diaper s +* +* +*-er that got it write. >> kimmay24 posted a photo of her son with the caption five months old and my son already has the best school photo ever. >> wow. i am not going to fight her on that. this is the best school photo that i have ever seen. so comedians pretend this is a yearbook photo and write they this cool kid's yearbook quotes. we will get the comedians answers and name a winner when we ♪ ♪ ♪ have a day to remember. it's easy with a free red velvet cake with a 10 piece meal or larger.
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no blackout dates. what's in your wallet? kids, new juicy fruit gum with starburst flavors? yeah. juicy fruit, so sweet you can't help but chew. (playing harmonica) get your own liquid gold. go on, git! there's gold in them thar shells. liquid gold. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. >> wipe the scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe i will read the answers out loud you the audience must decide the winner, before the break i showed you this cool baby school photo and asked you to come up with the yearbook quote. let's see what you wrote. first one, hey baby what i did coming out of a pussy is nothing
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compared to what i do going into one. hit me up 4/20 forever! or. who has two thumbs, i only know how to use one so far, this guy! >> one was the winner, who is number one? >> ron funches! that means how how many times ron funches? unbroken comedians in your wake. tomorrow is maria bamford, jimmy pardo and david o'doherty until then keep sending your hashtags to @midnight on #420regrets. >> until t ben (v.o.) previously on big time... we gonna make a movie. and... cut! can we get rico a robe? you will have one take. do you understand? you just make sure your people are in place. i'm working for the cops. what? i'm sorry, del, but if your friends ar


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