tv At Midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central May 27, 2015 12:01am-12:33am PDT
( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panelists, holly walker, mike yard, and rashida jones. and thanks to felonious munk, also. don't forget to like us on facebook and follow us on twitter and instagram and to keep track of everything we're doing online. good nightly, everyone. ( applause ) >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on twitter while we were away. >> well, it only took him six years to get it but the white
house has finally given the president his own personal twitter handle. all he has had that do with kill a terrorist mastermind and finish all of his vegetables. >> president obama kicked off his account with this tweet from the new handle @potus. >> hello, twitter, it's barack really, i am not good at impressions. it is barack barack, really, six years in they are finally giving me my own account. >> former president bill "slick willie" clinton western district of texas the president by tweeting. >> welcome to at twitter, i told you i am not good at this. >> @potus. one question, does that user name stay with the office. >> #askingforafriend. at this point i am glad he and hillary are still friends. to which obama responded good question, @bill clinton, the handle comes with the house, know anyone interested in @flotus. >> so that means the next president will inherit the 0
@potus handle walling all the debt we owe the chinese. >> comedians what will the next president find. >> hashtag al qaeda sucks. he didn't want al qaeda to know about how goody juror know pizza is. >> dave anthony, good. >> you want to (bleep) a goat? >> marc maron. >> the hey at mitch mcconnell shut the (bleep) up. hashtag douche bag hashtag shut the (bleep) up. captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the @midnight, i am chris hardwick. we were like a ten-day high aadvertise, hiatus, the i went to and ate schnitzel and our country is not really all that old, it turns out.
i was in a castle that was 1000 years older than america. america is the snotty teenager of the world. >> tonight we have three cast members from "maron", guest showing, irvine improv june 11th it's mary lynn rajskub! >> >> and a former writer on talking dead, host of the dollop podcast on i-tunes, it's dave anthony. >> create and executive producer and start of marc maron, marc maron is back. >> starting the program f ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. >> i missed that. just the little things.
teen lip injectress kylie jenner is finally using her twitter account to raise awareness for something other than a clothing line for wayward youth. the youngest of the second worst clan starting with a k put out this -- wait a minute. i am sorry. no. you are right. i am sorry, you are right. the worst clan to start with a k put out this important tweet about chemtrails. yes. >> asking things like this is the things she retweeted asking things like why did i see 75 planes spraying stuff into the scion my 15 minute drive to work? >> probably because you live near an airport and it's a holiday. >> does this have anything to do with why honeybees are dying off really fast? >> nope it was a combination of mites and pesticides. >> who is responsible? >> we will never nerb, we will never nerb. >> she got a lot of responses
like this one from @robfee and took time away from bushing, from brushing her hair probably to reply. and then kylie responded, i would do chemtrails, as the kids are calling them to me, are the easiest of all things going on in my world for my followers to understand. >> yeah, i would say that is about right. don't get her followers started on things they see in the sky like that daytime hot moon. what is that? >> comedians i would love you go give me a line from kylie jenner's ted talk, mary lynn rajskub. >> thanks for having me here at ted talk, chemtrails, you can do something about them. >> play my game called chemtrails crush. >> chris: points for mary lynn. >> i would like to start by saying i would be getting my chemtrails laserred since i was
15. >> chris: was there more? >> that's it. >> chris: points. >> chris: it was announced today charter agreed to acquire time warner to be the largest cable company in the world. >> we know this is a potentially boring news story so we will use viral videos to explain it in a segment c squee-nn. >> i see the meow jones is down. >> i hate myself too. before cable and internet, you are right to shake your head at me that time. i completely support your head shake. >> before cable and internet companies started to merge there were a lot of option it is. we consumers were like adorable cats deciding which cardboard box to jump into on a homemade grid. so now the companies are
starting to merge giving us fewer choices without competition these companies are bathing in money like a baby bird in a sink. >> now, this new mega company will be a monkey on the back of the consumer or to put it another way, a chihuahua on the back possess an acrobat. seen here. likely outcome is that consumers will be asking to pay even more for capable and, cable and internet while the companies (bleep) us with their giant chihuahua dick. >> i mean, that is very impressive. >> there has to be eight or ten percent of his body mass. >> that is like a t-shirt cannon. >> comedians, if you are going to get thoroughly and expense civil railed by a cable payment what is the new service you hope to get out of the deal marc maron. >> the i would just like a channel where every guy guy fury goes he gets food poisoning. >> chris: yes. food poisoning. >> it is just footage of him
eating and a shot of a bathroom door him saying i am okay, i am okay. i will be out in a minute. >> and then someone coming in and tipping him up to scrub the toilet with the bristles. now it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. if you spent any amount of time on face back book in the last three days you are aware memorial day weekend was jam-packed with weddings and a lot of awkward office workers stumbling through sentiments as they raise their glasses to the happy couples. tonight is #5wordweddingtoast examples might be i am pregnant and it's yours, or is this validated parking. >> or i'm sorry my dick is out. >> i will put 602nds on the clock starting now. >> mark. >> what from you two, stupid? >> chris: points. mary lynn. >> drinking vodka, right ladies. >> no way does this last. gay. >> chris: points.
"maron". >> i give it two years. >> chris: yes. points. >> mary lynn. >> sacred bond my ass, karen. >> chris: mark. >> take it from me don't. >> chris: points. dave. >> the bride is super tight. >> chris: correct and the bride was super tight. >> chris: mary lynn. >> i was super tight. >> chris: points. mark. >> you two are great together. >> chris: no points, i appreciate it yes. >> remember two on a stick -- >> chris: okay. >> chris: two on a steak? two in a steak? >> that's how i do it. >> what does that mean is is that an ab joke? >> chris: yes. >> i think you go two in the pink one and -- you don't want to go two in the stink part. what is yours? >> stay in the pink, please.
score yes! kids never get this excited about cleaning teeth. you want a greenies? but dogs do. watch them go wild for an irresistible treat that fights tartar and freshens breath. greenies dental chews. here's a friend request from the universe. "hi. buy me a drink." just a person to person interaction. put your phone down.
we were below the 88th southern parallel. we had traveled for over 850 miles. my men driven nearly mad from starvation and frostbite. today we make history. >>bienvenidos! welcome to the south pole! if you're dora the explorer, you explore. it's what you do. >>what took you so long? if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance you switch to geico. it's what you do. >>you did it, yay!
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play loco police scanner. loco police scanner. now, police scanners are not just for lonely nosy grandpas anymore, thanks to twitter lonely nosies people of all ages can let the world know what petty crimes and semi nude disturbances are taking place in their neighborhood. >> comedians i am going to show you part of a tweet from someone listening to their local police scanner and tell me how it panned out. >> there satire rolling down grant going approximately 20 miles per hour. hashtag have you seen my tire? >> that was from the entertainment capital of the world, branson, missouri.
>> you picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel. >> chris: oh, my god, that was like a sixth grade -- how could you -- all right, all right well you did the finger guns, i have to give you results for that. >> local redneck announces birth of september child. >> chris: points. >> chris: next one. report from orlando florida, because of course they do. >> on the police scanner he said the guy was throwing numb chucks at his dog. >> dave anthony. >> a man questions if his dog is truly the one the prophecy foretold. >> chris: points. the answer is yes. marc. >> looks like it will be six more weeks of florida winter. >> chris: points. and this gem from st. louis, please, there is a dispute over least, neighbors keep blowing
them in each other's yards and it is getting heated. >> chris: marc maron. >> as the real mexican standoff. >> chris: oh, no. >> what? what? >> chris:. >> chris: i have to give him points because it is clearly racist audience applauded it. that's the end of loco police scanners, now time for our next game, cringeworthy christworthy. any 0 phone death any tone-deaf goober can cover a hit song but it takes someone truly homeschooled to infuse that song with the corny power of christ's love, and some sick youth group backing vocals. >> britney spears covered called save me jesus one more time or a hit on the holy cover of ylvis, what does the fox say? >> i got so excited this better be save me jesus one more time. >> let's find out. >> what you got your family is
israel, your family will byes real, what did god say? >> chris: i still think god should have said, dee dee, dee dee, dee. >> man that guy is walking on water. >> chris: he is the christ child! >> if there is a god he is very disappointed. >> chris: next one the cover of taylor swift shake it off about god's plan or ariana grand cover of love me harder about jesus love? >> marc. >> if god -- i will go with shake it off. >> ♪ ♪ >> i am in hell! >> i am in them!
>> i see a picture of myself in an alternate universe, i really liked your video, that was great, that was a lot of fun. >> chris: christ like cover of. >> i think it might be the other one. >> ♪ ♪ i am holy and i know it ♪ ♪ >> chris: no, dave. >> oh no. >> what's the matter with you guys? >> chris: one in the gray, two in the hay.
what? what? that's the end of cringeworthy christworthy. it's time for our live challenge, roomb with a view. the roomba vacuum because revelation, it brought a new kind of cleanliness to lay city assholes with too much disposable income, and unsuspecting death machine to pets. there's a new version of the robo helper on the horizon with a built in camera that sends the footfoote damage back to its masters at vacuum hq, by vacuum hq, they mean guy jerking off. >> in is what this could possibly look like. >> this is their mockup. it is very -- this is a really boring predator reboot. >> the choppa there is a kitchen. >> what's the report roomba
video to a mysterious headquarters. i asked you write the report it would send after cleaning your house. let's see what you wrote. mr. "maron" let's start with you. >> can't breathe, cat hair. must change filter. >> chris: all right. >> chris: dave anthony. >> spends hours shooting at a "maron" target and saying i should be the lead. >> chris: mary lynn rajskub # mary lynn rajskub. >> bought second roomba for two glass of wine on the floor. roomba would like to speak to hr. >> chris: perfect. i think i am going to do 1000 points for mary lynn. >> 500 points to dave and marc. >> and dang her, i hardly knew her. zanger. >> well an old couple in illinois has welcomed their 100th grandchild, these prolific
baby blasters there they are. >> they have been married for 59 years and they have 12 kids, 53 grandchildren, 46 great grandchildren and a grate grandson. >> chris: the zanger family cannot stop (bleep)ing. it is a not stop zangbang over there. >> there was a trendsetter named jack jacks son, that's what you jaxton. >> that's what you name people when you have 100 people named. you run out of names. it sounds like jackson. >> if you don't know a name just name them after they were conceived. 60-seconds on the clock and begin. >> wrigley field dumpster. >> chris: points. mary lynn. >> da dave & busters, the twins. >> chris: points. dave anthony. >> why isn't my working. uncle barry's waterbed.
>> chris: points. mary lynn. >> katy perry, concert footage only pause points. >> i think this is definitely not working. someone was trying to (bleep) with me back there. >> the vibrating chair. >> chris: points. mary lynn. >> ford focus front seat. >> chris: wow n the front seat? >> yes. >> chris: that's amazing. >> that's how i roll. >> chris: points. that is tend of zanger i hardly knew her. dave anthony you are in third place and we have to cut you from the show right now. do you have any last words? while maron cackles in your face. >> don't touch me. >> i just want to say i think it was rigged. >> rigged. >> chris: i certainly wouldn't rig it in mark's favor.
you earned this loss! >> red light! >> chris: where is the red light? >> there will be no red light! >> where is the gosh darn red light? >> there you go. >> chris: that means it's time to hail mary tyler moore. it's time for for the win. >> according to a recent interview with an argentinian newspaper, pope plan cities revealed that he has not watched television since he made his vow to the virgin mare in 1990. >> that's explain why his ash wednesday sermon always ends by asking the age old question what cha talking about jesus. >> then again i guess you wouldn't need to watch tv if you
could just ask god directly who shot mr. burns. >> but 25 years is a long time for anyone without television so comedians fill in what he would ask about television for the last 25 years. we will have the we dare you. yes you. to try ham, topped with pulled pork, topped with bacon. yep, we double dog dare ya to try the triple hog dare ya. with refill after refill of fries. they're free. only at applebee's. music: lively orchestral score yes! kids never get this excited about cleaning teeth. you want a greenies? but dogs do. watch them go wild for an irresistible treat that fights tartar and freshens breath. greenies dental chews.
you forgot how the show works in the ten days we were off, before the break i told you that point francis seen here in palpatine has not watched tv in 25 years and i asked you to fill him in on tv since 1990. let's see a what you wrote. first one, this could be family, is really dragging you and the homeboy jesus through the mud and also tv doctors dance now. or. last time you watched tv there were three networks and a god, now, you will see. >> number 2 was the winner. who is number 2? >> marc maron is the winner! >> he is testimony funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours w will see you tomorrow night when our guests will be doug benson, tom lennon and natasha leggero. until then keep the game going on twitter by sending us your hashtags #5wordweddingtoast and i am @nerdist on tweets and