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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  July 23, 2015 5:44pm-6:19pm PDT

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republican candidate running for president. even the duggars are like "seriously? another one?" (laughter) and donald trump trolls the g.o.p. by giving out lindsey graham's phone number. next up -- ted cruz's topless selfies. (laughter) it's time to get our politics on! this is "the nightly show"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to the "the nightly show." man, we got a great show. i'm larry wilmore. let's get right to it. there was another presidential announcement, so you know what that means. time to find out what's happening with the unblackening. (laughter)
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>> i have decided to run for president of the united states. (cheers and applause) >> larry: yay. john kasich! (laughter) woo! (laughter) (applause) man. yay. (laughter) yay. (laughter) i'm tired. another guy? really? (laughter) okay. what do we have, like 43 guys running? okay. j.f.k., man john freakin' kasich. (laughter) okay. you got to use that. what do we know? well, he's the governor of ohio. it's a very important swing state. he's known for working across the aisle. he's open to immigration reform. and his state took some obamacare. okay. so far he's o-kasich in my book. (laughter) seriously, here's my book.
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right here. and there you go. (laughter) here we go. there we go. see? "so o-kasich." says it right here. (cheers and applause) no no, no. you guys think i make this [ bleep ] up. everything i say has been thoroughly sourced. all right? (laughter) every time a candidate on either side enters the race, i think, how does this impact me? >> i was just at wendy's on saturday up here on hudson avenue, and two wonderful african-american fellows were there. (laughter) >> larry: hmm. african-american fellows. (laughter) okay. that is the safest possible way of saying "black guys." right? (laughter) it's so safe, i'm almost offended. i don't know why. (laughter) okay. well, how did you interact with these fellows? >> two wonderful
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african-american fellows were there, and i walked in. i was standing behind them. and one said to the other one, "i don't know what i believe what i'm seeing, but i think that's governor kasich standing behind me." (laughter) and they said, "you better run." (laughter) >> larry: don't get ahead of me. so when the fellows told you "you better run," you assumed they meant "you better run for president." okay! (laughter) okay. okay. okay. fair enough. (cheers and applause) i'm just saying might have been a 50/50 chance they were telling you to get the hell out of that wendy's. i'm just saying. (laughter) but good for you for having a frostee-half-full attitude on race relations. okay. good for you kasich. what else? >> you know what? they said it couldn't be done. they said it was too big, too hard. >> that's what she said.
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(laughter) >> larry: jeb! get outta here! we're focused on the k-man right now. all right, kasich. this is your rollout. come on. hit me with some of that classic kasich charisma. kasich-ma, if you will. (laughter) >> it's teachers and preachers and moms and dads and doctors construction workers. (laughter) >> the sun's coming up. i told them that the sun would come up again. it hasn't reached its zenith but the sun is rising. (laughter) >> larry: what the [ bleep ]? the sun is rising? okay. enough, enough. i'm through. what's trump doing? (laughter) >> they would say i'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world. now china loves me. who's worse to china an i am? the american dream is dead.
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>> larry: yes! there you go. (laughter) woo! much better. thank you. thank you. all right. now that the republican field is seemingly complete, i thought i'd bring on our political expert mike yard to discuss trump and which candidate might have the best chance of winning the black vote. mike yard, everybody. (cheers and applause) how you doing, mike? >> hey, what's up, larry? larry: so, mike, it sounds like john kasich is trying to sound inclusive. do you think he can appeal to the black vote? >> the black vote's already wrapped up. it's trump. (laughter) >> larry: wait, trump? arry, this guy is '90s hip-hop, all day. man! (laughter) think about it. trump likes gold. (laughter) he rolls deep. he had his own vodka. (laughter) he's got his own cologne. (laughter) he's got tons of baby mamas. (laughter) he's had court appearances. and he's dealt with bankruptcies. (laughter) >> larry: wow. that is amazing.
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wait. hold on. so you think black people like him because he seems like a '90s rapper? >> '90s, early aughts whatever. (laughter) i mean, look, did you see when he pissed off neil young by using his music? this dude is even jacking beats larry! (laughter) >> larry: jacking beats? (applause) >> yes. larry: all right. okay. i guess i can see why black people would vote for him. wait, but isn't he pissing everybody off? musicians, mexicans, john mccain. >> exactly. exactly, larry. the dude's got beef with everybody! (laughter) he's like the 50 cent of the republican party. (laughter) i'm telling you, man. all he needs is to get shot nine times, and he's golden. >> larry: hold on. hold on. (laughter) (applause) >> i'm telling you. i'm telling you. (laughter) i'm telling you, man. did you check out his beef with lindsey graham? >> larry: oh, yeah. didn't he call trump a jackass? >> uh-huh. and what'd trump do?
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>> so lindsay glam said, please, please, whatever you can do. and he gave me his number. i found the card, 202-228-0292. 202-228-[ bleep ]. so i don't know. give it a shot. >> he gave out a united states senator's private cell phone number! that's straight-up gangsta, larry! (laughter) >> i know. larry: you're right. classic '90s hip-hop. >> yes! that's biggie/tupac style. all today. (laughter) back when [ bleep ] was real. >> larry: so how will this affect the race if trump has the black vote locked up? >> affect him? the race is over, brother. (laughter) >> larry: wait. you think trump's going to win the republican primary? >> yes! white people love hip-hop too! and republicans love it even more coming from a white guy. trump is the macklemore candidate. (laughter) (applause) >> larry: okay. open up your eyes. larry: let me ask you this, mike.
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does that mean you think trump can beat hillary? >> you mean suge knight? (laughter) larry, are you asking me if macklemore can beat suge knight? (laughter) larry, answer that yourself. >> larry: it's not really what i said. but i think the answer's no. >> there you go. larry: mike yard, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) t-mobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge. get 4g lte data in mexico and canada just like in the u.s. and call and text as much as you want to and from the united states, mexico, and canada. you heard right! unlimited calls to any phone - even mobile... in mexico and canada for free! it's included with simple choice plans. only t-mobile gives you coverage and
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. this past weekend was the annual netroots nation conference, which is basically comic-con but with elizabeth warren and bernie sanders -- (laughter) -- instead of a guy who has combined his frodo baggins and robocop costumes and calls himself frodocop. (laughter) basically all it is. and things got a little awkward for presidential candidate martin o'malley when a group of black activists started chanting "black lives matter." >> when the crowd chanted "black lives matter," o'malley tried to respond. >> black lives matter. white lives matter. all lives matter. [ audience boos ] black lives matter. white lives matter. all lives matter. >> larry: no, no! you don't say it twice. didn't you hear the booing the
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first time?! (laughter) they weren't booing the fact that you only said it once! (laughter) "boo! why are you only saying it once?" (laughter) but why was o'malley surprised by this? i mean, hillary got dinged for the same thing last month. so it seems like there's a little confusion here over this phrase. why can't you say "all lives matter"? i mean, it sounds like it makes sense. here to break it down for us is our resident blegghead, felonious munk. felonious, welcome to the program. (cheers and applause) sobasically what's the problem with saying "all lives matter"? >> brother larry, this is a quandary as old as methuselah and doubly as weary. when "all lives matter" is offered as a repost, it declares an obliviousness to the milieu in which "black lives matter" finds itself propounded. (laughter) >> larry: yeah, right, right.
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"black lives matter" is not a salvo against the grim specter of death "in toto." it is a specific rebuttal to the paroxysm of savagery that my brothers and sisters find themselves beset by at the hands of the constabulary. (laughter) >> larry: yeah! that's the constabulary, y'all! (laughter) that's what it is. keep goin', brother. >> of course, "all lives matter" is an unimpeachable veracity. but if one suffers a schism in the very osseum of their extremity and seeking assistance, the hippocratic acolyte tells the sufferer that no limb should suffer such opprobrium. this does nothing to mend the fissure. (laughter) >> larry: that's more of that constabulary! (laughter) that's what it is. okay. what exactly are you saying? >> in the parlance of the hour, if i break my legs, i do not want the doctor telling me all legs should be healed.
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i want the doctor to fix my leg. >> larry: right, right. (cheers and applause) got it. okay so you're saying "black lives matter" is a specific cry for something whereas "all lives matter" is just a way of shutting down that cry. >> yes. larry: okay. (cheers and applause) so basically "all lives matter" is a non sequitur. >> there is not a single sequitur to be found, brother larry. (laughter) one does not attend a reading by toni morrison and interrupt her to say, "yes, but why have you not weighed in on the movie 'minions'?" (laughter) >> larry: minions? okay. now you're just [ bleep ] with me. (laughter) >> though, of course, i'm sure ms. morrison found "minions" to be a risible and energetic entertainment, as did i. (laughter) for what is a minion if not man's true ache laid bare? a voraciousness for purpose, even if that purpose be
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servitude. am i right, brother larry? (laughter) >> larry: i have no idea. (laughter) why are we talking about minions? >> precisely. larry: oh, i get it. i just got "all lives matter'd," didn't i? >> that's it exactly, brother larry. >> larry: got it. (cheers and applause) i see what you did. >> now you see "all lives matter" is a shell game intended to hide "black lives matter" beneath the swindler's devious obfuscation. >> larry: you know, felonious you don't always have to use so many words. sometimes it's hard to catch your meaning. >> but the language is the very air i breathe. language is our evolutionary prerogative. it's what separates us from the -- uh -- (laughter) >> larry: you really want to say minions, don't you?
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>> i can't help it. i love those little yellow guys. (laughter) >> larry: felonious munk, everyone! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) we snap it. we stack it. we smoosh it. we love it. hershey's makes it a s'more... you make it special. hershey's is mine, yours our chocolate. this is smith & forge hard cider. it's like buford here. strong. sturdy... but not too sweet. buford! built from apples. built to refresh. smith & forge hard cider. now on draft.
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with dark chocolate and crunchy almonds it's the break, you make! (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. he'll be at caroline's in new york city july 23rd through july 26th. comedian gary owen. (cheers and applause) he's been with us many times before. welcome back comedian lavell crawford. (cheers and applause) and she's an emmy-award-winning actress who has also been nominated for an emmy again this year for netflix's "orange is the new black," uzo aduba. (cheers and applause) let's get right to it. we're talking about "black lives matter." (laughter) here's what i want to say. i don't understand when people hear that they have to keep responding that "all lives matter." what's up with that? >> i think what happens is that
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people think when saying "black lives matter," they think of it as being exclusionary somehow when it's not really meant to be that. it's not excluding people, you know? on, i don't know earth day we don't include jupiter. (laughter) you know, we just -- >> larry: that's true. (laughter) (cheers and applause) you think if republicans talk about race in an honest way, do you think they have a chance to win some of the black votes? because in my estimation obama's gone. so 99% black vote bloc is gone. right? (laughter) 99%, because there's a few rogue out there. you know? (laughter) you do not want to vote for the first black president, whatever. don't get on the history train. do you think republicans can get some of that black vote now? if they really talk about race in an honest way. >> they can but don't try to relate -- you i hate when republicans say, my grandparents came over here and we were broke and we started from the bottom
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and we worked our way up. yeah, but you're still white. you know what i mean? (laughter) you're still at the bottom with other white people, you know? >> larry: it's a class issue. just don't do that. just say -- if they were more honest like, i don't know what it's like to be black. i don't know what it's like to be profiled. help me understand it. you know? don't just go in like, i know what you're going through because you don't you know what i mean? >> larry: right. it piss me off. you always find one brother that's like a dime lemonless kind of guy. >> i think mitt romney will have a good chance if he just put forth apologies. >> no, no, no. his black ass. no. (laughter) >> larry: let's be real about this. there are a lot of the blacks who are socially conservative. >> but they don't have to convince -- >> larry: hold on. they're socially conservative. (laughter) let me ask you this do black votes matter if all we do is vote democrat? >> democrat.
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larry: maybe latino votes matter more because they're like you got to show me what you're going to do. >> democrats have the latino vote. donald trump is through. he through. (laughter) his card -- car's been dirty for six months. (laughter) >> larry: mexicans clean his car every day. (laughter) >> i'll keep it real. i know who keeps my grass cut. thank you, jose. (laughter) >> larry: no, no, no. you can't stand up for them and then slam them in the same sentence. >> i'm not slamming them! larry: okay. here's the real "keeping it real" issue. there was this thing that happened in a restaurant recently. i love these kind of issues because this woman, her 2-year-old was just crying, crying, crying, screaming crying.
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for like 40 minutes. okay? >> right. larry: and some people are condemning her and others are blah, blah blah. and then the owner of the diner, i think, went and up yelled at the kid told the kid to be quiet and the kid stopped. (laughter) can we show the clip right now? >> life's full of choices. and you gotta live with all of them. i chose to yell at that kid. it made her shut up, which made me happy. it made my staff happy. it made the other 75 people in the restaurant happy. (laughter) >> larry: okay. are we cool with that? can you say that to somebody? >> i guarantee you it was a white child and a child family that she yelled at. i know that. it wasn't no black -- (laughter) when you talk about a restaurant like that, i was thinking about it myself because we never took our kids out to eat till they were like 5 because we don't want to be in that situation. but they'll sit you right next to somebody. my wife's black. they try to sit us down next to a black couple with a 2-year-old daughter and i said i'm sits next to them. i said, i'm glad you were with
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me to my wife because it looked real racist. my point was i didn't want to sit next a child -- to a child because we got a babysitter for a night out. i thought, ooh that could have gone bad real quick. (laughter) >> larry: was that a right move from your point of view? >> i kind of go back and forth like i don't think -- if a kid is crying endlessly, i think the parents maybe just out of courtesy for the rest of the restaurant should maybe ask for their stuff to go or something. (cheers and applause) but especially when it comes it a restaurant -- like if you're in a plane -- >> larry: there's nowhere to go. you can't jump out. (laughter) so it's -- but if you're in a restaurant i think maybe you should pack everything up. i'm not really sure i'd be okay if somebody came over and said to my kid to -- >> you can go over to somebody and just turn into crazy eyes. (laughter)
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>> larry: is it right or wrong and would you do it? >> it was right on so many perspectives. (laughter) i'd be sitting there wanting to slap the hell out of people's kids but i have never got the courage to come up and say shut your ass up. (laughter). >> larry: right. because my grandmama used to say lord, if i get five minute with that child everything would be all right. (laughter) and i swear and it really would because five minutes was all she needed. (laughter) >> larry: a 30-second earthquake is forever. five minutes with your greanld mother -- >> five minutes with my grandmother. >> i can attest to that. (overlapping talking) >> my son acted up one time in denny's and my wife took him in the bathroom at denny's. i don't know what happened in that bathroom. (laughter) all i know is every time we drive by denny's, he breaks into a cold sweat. (laughter) >> larry: i am not mad at this woman at all. this is what i did to my kids. don't spank them. don't hit them.
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you do the pinch. i do like this and i pinch under the table. everything going to be okay. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> larry: if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free tickets to an upcoming taping of the hanes underwear and socks with revolutionary x-temp technology are designed to respond to your body temperature to help keep you cool. let's put it to the test. hey dad! emily? ready? wait! no! wait! slow down a little! oow! watch out for the speed bumps! it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. hanes x-temp technology for men and women. because when you're cool you're comfortable. so good.
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>> larry: that's our show!
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i want to thank our panelists, gary owen, lavell crawford, and uzo aduba. (cheers and applause) and thanks to commentator felonious munk. tomorrow i'll be talking about the sandra bland case. don't forget to watch. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause)


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