tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central August 6, 2015 2:09am-2:40am PDT
captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panellies, ricky velez, jerrod carmichael and craig robinson, and also have a great last show tomorrow, jon. i love you, man. good night, >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on twitter today! ing up for their first debate on thursday and obama is pitching his iran deal. but the thing on everyone's lips is lenny kravitz's genitals. we only spent 10 minutes of a 21-minute show lft night and there is still a lot to cover.
we have enhanced footage of kravitz' wardrobe malfunction in sweden, and i do mean "footage"! >> oh! >> he's just dipping it. >> chris: that will do, lenny kravitz's penis and testicles. that will do. is he testing to see how deep the water is? and a, this happened, and then he tweeted this out from aerosmith front-mannequin steven tyler. "dude, no underwear and pierced (bleep). you never showed me that (bleep)." ( cheers and applause ) >> steven tyler kind of got in on it. ♪ dude looks like a dude lenny hashtagged penis-gate, which usually a gate suggests something's being covered up. i don't know if the semantics on
that are wrong. comedians lenny's member looked like it had a mind of its own. what would he text back. >> you have the wrong number. this is lenny's balls but it's nice to be paid attention to for once. ladies forget sometimes. >> chris: they do forget sometimes. jim jeffries. >> hey, mate-- hang on, that makes his penis australian. maybe it is. he is very big downunder. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, hey, mate, how's your daughter, liv? i'm a big fan. ( applause ) >> chris: rhys darby. >> hello, i'm normally hanging out-- ( laughter ) i'm normally actually up inside lenny's kravitz. but i thought this guy's so far
up his own ass, it's time for me to go solo. >> chris: perfect. it's time to start "@midnight"! captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight." i mean we cannot talk about lenny kravitz's dick any more on the show. but i do feel like in six months we have to do a "checking in on kravitz dong watch." i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: from "togetherness" on hbo and "wrecked," coming soon to tbs, ginger gonzaga. ( cheers and applause ) well done. well done. on tour at the sandler center for the performing arts in virginia beach september 3, jim jeffries! >> oh, i'm clapping for myself. performing at rhys darby's saying funny things society at largo in l.a. august 10th.
rhys darby. ( cheers and applause ) i think rhys died. oh, you're alive! i thought you were dead. >> i was just saying you know, looking up there for a bit. >> chris: let's start this goddamned program. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh". it was reported in the "the daily mail" that famed child-exploitation-specialist and beef-jerky-in-a-jazz-suit joe jackson had three hearts and a stroke on the eve of his 87th birthday after overdosing on viagra, which is basically crushed-up jaguar bones mixed with glitter and gunpowder. jackson, as you might remember, is the former owner of a sweat shop called the jackson 5. ( laughter )
reports say jackson's recovering so, so, comedians, knowing that the 87-year-old viagra popper is trying to resurrect the rope he calls a dick-- he's not a dplaet guy. knowing all we know about joe jackson and all the sexual pills he's been taking what do you think he'd have to do to get this goblin off? >> excuse me, what do you mean by "get this goblin off?" are you insigneueating-- is this a rude thing, is it-- that his penis is a goblin? ( laughter ) if that's the case, i'll wairchg it. >> chris: i think what you meant to say is you would just. ♪ beat it ♪
the "princeton review" released their 2016 college rankings this week, and the university of illinois was named the top party school. that was about half-- appropriately, their new mascot is the "fightin' 19-year-old with puke in her hair who thinks she lost her cellphone." ( applause ) you didn't even know, jennifer! the categories range from "best dining hall" to "most beautiful campus," but no list for the straight-up worst colleges. so comedians, since the "princeton review" is too chicken to call them out, what are the absolute crappiest colleges you can attend this fall? ginger, let's start with you. >> the mama june school of good parenting. it's so point. that's the end of "rapid refresh". whether they're crashing the stage to ruin taylor swift's acceptance speech or just naming their newborn child blanket, celebrities can be pure evil
when they want to be. so we thought we'd pay homage to all those rich and famous criminal masterminds we worship on tv and magazines. our hashtag tonight is #supervillaincelebs #supervillaincelebs some examples: skeletori amos, dr. octophil, j-loki. let's put 60 seconds on the old clock and begin ginger. >> less luther vandross. >> bette riddler. >> darth brooks. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: i've got friends in low places. rhys again. sorry, ginger. >> general zod stewart. >> javier bar-doom.
>> sean penguin. >> steve odd jobs. >> blow seinfeld. it's more of an idea. >> chris: ginger. >> that was good. that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #supervillaincelebs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag. war was sent to us by war was sent to us by @trivworks. t-mobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." i'm heading across the country on the funcomfortable tour and will be in orlando, hard rock live, and tampa straz center, 8pm, this weekend. tickets are still available, go to funcomfortabletour.com for more info. it is time for-- i have to do it the right way. ♪ "yahoo will save your soul." "yahoo answers" is the best, because no matter what question you ask, there's someone out there who is super excited to give you really bad advice. if you ask, "how do i remove a mustard stain from a shirt?" the top answer is like "set it on fire!!" and that's if you're lucky. comedians, i'm going to describe two questions to you, and for 250 points, you guess which one somebody actually asked on yahoo answers. then, as a bonus, i'll show you what sage advice its users offered up. first one:
>> are christians vampires or is sass qach jewish should christians drink blood? and the answer is we have to abstain from blood in all forms. they came up with their own answer for that other question. ♪ ♪ >> mazel! >> very funny. >> chris: it's funny. next one. "is my head growing from headbutting things?" or "is my brain shrinking from reading goosebumps?" >> the first one. definitely growing from the head banging. "can headbanging make your head bigger?" "no, we have veins all over our bodies, including our heads. your skull has finished growing.
you're done." >> you have shrunken heads? it's a tribe in tahiti that is the opposite and enlarge their heads and rip them off and use them as hot air balloons and travel to other islands. >> chris: i didn't realize that. that's a wonderful fact. >> that was the original script for up." it's time for our next game, "serial killer or okcupid profile?" canadian serial killer luka magnotta-- i'm going to be killing you now-- recently set up a dating profile on a site to connect canadian convicts with sad women who probably fantasize about getting (bleep) by the new hamburglar. >> that's the new hamburglar. >> no, it's not. >> chris: yes it is. he's going to steal your burger and ( bleep ) it. women often joke about meeting guys online by saying, "how do i know if he's a serial killer?" that's a great question, and we here at "@midnight" want to
help. i'm gonna give you the nickname of a real dangerous multi-murderer and the profile of someone who is hopefully harm on okcupid user, and for 250 points, you have to tell me which one is just a guy on a dating site and not a psychopathic monster. case in point: there are five giggling granny or loving grandma. >> definitely loving grandma. >> chris: let's find out. loving grandma, let's pull up her photo and see-- >> i didn't know my mom was on the internet. >> chris: i'm surprised she's not busy breaking james caan's ankles in a cabin. >> there was a person laying on the bed that went, "i gotta get a photo of this. >> harmless okay cupid user, lady killer or girl killer?
jim. >> girl killer. >> chris: let's find out. girl killer? girl killer? are you serious? also his profile says, "you should message me if you like nazis and the occult and spiritual awakening, or if you like coffee, pizza, and chilling out." >> that's okay. >> you know what's really bad about that? who has coffee with pizza? >> chris: what a monster! what a monster. >> i would message that guy but i don't like coffee, pizza, and chilling out. >> chris: that is the end of okay cupid user 3 it's time for our live challenge, "girth control." at a campaign stop at a new hampshire diner, new jersey governor and fred flintstone look-alike contest winner chris christie gave voters a little too much information this week. listen to this.
>> me, for instance. i'm a catholic, but i've used birth control, and not just the rhythm method, okay? so you know, um, my church--" ( laughter ) ( applause ) hard to finish your "moons over my hammy" when you've got the mental image of governor droopy raw-dogging his wife. >> whoa, whoa, whoa! he never said his wife. ( laughter ) >> chris: that's true. that's true. however, whom ever it was, i can almost guarantee she was just counting the minutes. >> -- >> and the twinkie wrappers. so comedians, i'd like you to come up with something else you wouldn't want to hear from chris christie while you were eating. we'll get your answers after the break and return shortly with
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before the break, i showed you a video of chris christie over-sharing to a diner full of grossed out voters who he told sometimes he likes to pull it out and spray it all over the place. nd i asked you to come up with something else you wouldn't want to hear the governor say while you were eating. >> not many people know my wife's vagina is so ( bleep ) dry, when i ( bleep ) her, it sounds like my dick has an asthma attack. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i said his wife, so i was respectful. >> chris: yeah. ginger. >> nothing gives me diarrhea quite like alfredo sauce. but i can't stay away from the stuff. i really like alfredo sauce, yeah. yeah. >> ( bleep ). >> chris: rhys. >> hello.
i have anal cysts the size of scallops and when i sit down you can hear them whistling sea shanties. ( whistling ) ( applause ) >> actually, keep talking. >> chris: 1,000 points for everyone. ( cheers and applause ) it's time for "roast me @midnight." ( applause ) there's a fascinating subreddit called r/roastme where people post photos of themselves in the hopes of getting roasted because how else are you gonna get strangers on the internet to say (bleep) things about you? there's just no other way. unless you host an aftershow about a zombie show. then they will. we thought it looked like fun,
so we asked "@midnight" fans to send us your dumb, smug, or medically deformed faces so we can give you a good ol' fashioned dicking on. comedians, i'm going to show you some of the (bleep) who sent in photos, and i want you to go to town on them. and remember, only the first comedian to buzz in gets to roast these sadomasochists. also remember these people asked us to do this. i'm going to start the clock now. first one. >> lady those dead flowers behind you are drying up slower than your ovaries. here's @undrskor. >> who's got a stripy top? >> chris: man, you have no mercy! our old vinetern @mikebennett. >> it's a less-successful doug benson. look at him. @johnkrawczykjr. >> who's got a beard.
>> chris: that isn't even really a full beard. >> mr. beardie. >> chris: how is he supposed to recover from such a thrashing. next. >> this guy hasn't worked since the goony movie. that's the end of "roast me @midnight." >> chris: oh, rhys darby, you're just barely in third place. he was so unforgiving to all those people during the roast. i mean-- i'm sure they're going to be happy to see him topple such a ball of rage. but do you have any last, angry words? >> jim, do you want to do my show on monday? >> yes. >> i will do rhys' show on monday. >> chris: great, i'm glad that worked out. go see rhys and largo in los
angeles on monday, and there he goes down the spiral staircase. that means it's time to master-debate. it's "for the win"! tomorrow night marks the most anticipated moment of the 2016 presidential election so far with the first republican debate. and it is gonna be a (bleep) show. surprisingly, old-timey saloon keeper rick perry has been left out of the debate, but all eyes will be on bigoted orangutan and casino mismanager donald trump who leads the polls by double digits. this is going to be fascinating. everything i've heard people are like, i mean, he's just so weirdly fascinating and refreshing, because he's-- he just says whatever the ( bleep ) he thinks and people don't know know how to process that. and the things he says are crazy but it's just fun to watch. >> so much fun. >> trump says he won't prepare for the debate at all.
this is going to be amazing! but he's got all the candidates scrambling to figure out how to look more orange and uninformed than he does. so comedians, as a participant in tomorrow night's debate, give me a line you'll use to thwart the jingoist juggernaut, donald trump. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." ( cheers and applause ) i'm going to college, but also launching a new start up. well these 2-in-1s come with a fast and powerful intel core processor, which means you'll have everything you need to take on whatever college
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe-- i'm going to read the answers out loud and you guys will decide the winner. before the break, i told you that going into tomorrow night's debate, obstinate cockatoo donald trump is leading in the polls by double digits and implored you to write me a line from your speech as a g.o.p.
candidate you'd use in the debate to thwart trump. they're all trying too figure it out. maybe they can use something from tonight's show. i hope so. let's see what you wrote. i think they could use that. someone could use that. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) number two. who's number two? jim jeffries! you won the internet! you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be: paul scheer, rob huebel, and aubrey plaza. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #supervillaincelebs and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @nerdist on the tweets and instagrams. goodnight!