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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 6, 2015 11:35am-12:10pm PDT

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demolished them. isis, i hummably accept your surrender. >> a intelligence reports paints a grim view of the war with isis suggesting the group may be just as strong now as it was a year ago-- (laughter) >> jon: i hit them with a really good [bleep] pun. (laughter) i know the problem, isis is spotty regional access to basic cable. i mean they probably don't even know about-- you guys should really check out the show on-line. you'll be eviscerated. well, anyway, that is not the only problem we bored through with our diamond tip drill bit of ridicule. race relations, a subject a decade ago was radiating a chernobyl level of toxicity until we here at the daily show judo chopped it into a million little pieces.
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>> the cops got to use the "n" word for it to be racism you never heard the phrase a picture is worth a thousand epithets. >> did you just, he who smelt it dealt it racialism. >> don't carry a gun if you are black. don't even carry gum t sounds too much like gun. >> one of these two men has five kids in various locations, by multiple baby mamas and the other is lebron james. but boom! i think we swement up that centuries old saga of stagnant repression and inequality rather nicely, you're welcome, america, to our new post racial world. >> another disturbing video showing a white police officer killing an unarmed black man. >> all eyes matter. you can't say only black lives matter. (laughter) [bleep] god, all right, let's just move on it another one of my classic adversaries, the big banks.
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no one has yet been held accountable for the 2008 financial crisis. a new segment we call how the [bleep] is it that martha stewart went to jail stlam. >> wall street is mad as hell! and they're not going to take it anymore! unless by it you mean $2 trillion in their own bailout money. >> if you are part of a financial institution that [bleep] with sport, you will go to the hamptons or some of you to monster.com. and stay down. i didn't just eviscerate wall street, i burned that bitch to the ground, drove the asphalt paved over them and built an arbies on top. (cheers and applause) >> oh yeah, that's right. an arby ssz. arby's, a lot more than your 401(k) is going down the toilet.
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(applause) >> that's a good one. that was a good one. let's see how the financial industry is coping in the wake of my onslaught. >> a trader sentenced to 14 years behind bars for his role in the global conspiracy to rig interest rates. tom hayes was found guilty of trying to man i lais late rates in four years at city group, he was the first banker to be tried, he received one of the hashest penalties since the financial crisis. >> take that, one guy! crime doesn't pay. unless you are anyone other than that one guy. (laughter) perhaps fox news, the best known target in our show's proverbial cross hairs paid the ultimate press. their sprite driven anger machine routed in the fear that any change in the stat outside did -- statusco with erode the power structure.
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>> where can the fear be coming from. i guess-- oh, god. >> on bull [bleep] mountain. >> we report, you can suck it. >> you are the loopus of news. >> you're [bleep] down now you're [bleep] down now. >> not only did i take down fox news i did it with the power of song. face it, fox, now you're just a bloody husk of the news corporation you once were, irrelevant,. >> kaput. >> this thursday's gop primary debate hosted by fox news. >> fox news will make the decision tomorrow night as to which candidates make it in the prime time. (laughter) >> jon: i did say fox news influence is gone. what i meant was it's gone all the way to the white house. it will decide the next leader of the free world. what the [bleep] is going on here! goddamn it! (cheers and applause) the world is demonstrably
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worse than when i started. i have caused this? has if all been for naught? as i shuffle off this basic cable coil must i discover my years of evisceration have em bettered nothing? 16 years of bar b's ander. >>s, spurred none to greatness. but we have had one thing in common. north of-- neither of us have ever thrown a no-hitter. >> just warming up baseball see some, pie mets are in mid season sucking form. >> oh for god's sake the mets are at the bottom of the arab league as well. this can't be. it's just embarrassing. the mets can't even do well in the arab league.
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those countries don't even play baseball. no! i shutter to envision the depths to which the next clip will illuminate the further ensucking. of my beloved new york metropolitans. >> what difference a week makes for the mets. last week the sky was falling, today first place. take a look for your sell. you got to see it to believe it. >> (cheers and applause) >> yes! yes! i'll take it. you're getting 3 here. alright?
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage, all of taylor swift's music videos, interviews, and more. xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. now tomorrow's final show is going to be incredible. i hope you tune into the final show, i think it will be incredible but i really think i would be doing a terrible disservice to my sev and the fans in signing off if i didn't bring attention to one of my feel rans, the five finger fillet,
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i stab around my finger was hurting myselfment i will start stabbing my fingers incredibly sharp blade and mi obviously prone to show related bloodee hand accidents so i am going to stab myself -- >> jon, jon, jon. >> oh thank god. thank you. thank you. >> jon, as your correspondent couldn't let you step down as host without taking one last gander. >> jon: that is touching, guys, i appreciate it. >> jon, to millions of people around the world you were a man on tv. >> hmm. >> from 11 p.m. until 11:30 p.m., monday through thursday. >> hmm. >> words, sound bites and then more words. >> jon: guys, that isn't much appreciation, you are just stating facts. >> every moment captured on videotape via camera and
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that tinny microphone attached to your suit jacket. >> jon: this is just they can call-- technical. >> jon, everyone what turned on this show saw you, except for that one summer when they saw a taller british you. >> jon: yeah, that -- >> so jon, it's with our eyes that we take one last look at all the times that you were here. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i would like to offer one guest a spot on this program, with our new segment, really? that's what we're calling it? is that-- (laughter) by techno phobic segment, jon stewart looks at his junk. do we have another segment that i could-- (laughter) hmmmm, you should watch my brand-new segment-- the things that i did may have
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been catastrophickically wrong but i think we can all agree, i did do them. >> do you wish the front of you looked more like the back of you? >> someone's going to have to suck the big man's [bleep] i guess. >> this is a debacle. >> toad el loo. (laughter) i was being told that in my ear, by the way. >> i'm being told that i don't have an earpiece. >> what's the deal with sodomy. >> am hickory dic ory dock, your health-care plan sucks -- >> obama makes sun go away. >> that's not the name we discussed. >> 50 points to given door. >> i rather go to war. >> do go on. >> i said we shouldn't do that one so if we could just-- i don't think that that -- >> did you hear that, mr. bartholomew. >> you can't buy taste.
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>> andela. >> i feel a trap. >> i like applesauce. >> i don't think that that is better in-- (laughter) send your letters to brian williams. >> what the blubber -- >> oh no, you didn't. >> i thought we were going to change that. >> who is it that i talked to about getting these changed. >> dancing with the pelvis and the -- >> are you eating it with a fork. oh [bleep] fork! oh! >> i think your mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here, jimmy. >> oh, i amuse. how do i amuse you, what am i, a clown, you think? what am i, a clown, is that what you think? (cheers and applause)
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>> thank you, guys. i really, i have to say that i really, i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run, you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you, jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well, that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right, we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. it's the-- shopping online... ...is as easy as it gets. wouldn't it be great if hiring plumbers,
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♪ ♪ ♪ get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage, all of taylor swift's music videos, interviews, and more. xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight is comedian, star of epic louis. available of louis c.k. live in madison square garden.
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please welcome back to our program, louis c.k.! (cheers and applause) >> louis, louis, louis! >> i hear that a lot. i hear that a lot. (laughter) weird. >> jon: they're not booing, their shouting louis. although when it's me, they're actually booing. >> never's really booing. >> jon: really booing, thank you, thank you for being here. >> thanks for having me. i'm thrilled to be your last dude. person. i just, i came on behalf of comedy, to say-- . >> jon: on behalf of comedy. >> yeah. >> jon: you're representing comedy. >> i represent all comedy. >> jon: uh-huh. >> just to say, you know, nice job. >> jon: thank you, my friend. i praerbt it. >> you're welcome. >> jon: louis and i started together. in fact, i have to tell you is the other night i went down to the cellar, the comedy cellar where i started. louis started in boston and then came down to new york and started working the
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cellar. >> that's right. you're one of the first guys i ever saw there the first or second comedian i ever saw there. >> jon: at the cellar. >> yeah, and you were so great. i was like who is this little jew, he's funny. >> jon: that was the original title of my act. little funny jew. it was like a-- i would dress up in overalls. i'm going to miss watching you on this show. but i think the most reliable way to take a good thing and make it go bad is to hold on to it too long. that's really-- . >> jon: i think that's right. >> so you got to let it go, an also, you know, it's really time to go. and also i would say when i heard you were leave-- i was sad when i heard you were leaving but i thought there is a new jon stewart show. that is why i got excited. you have been [bleep] this one for a long time, dude. >> jon: i know the machinery here. and what is exciting to me about trevor being able to did this is it gives people who like this show a chance
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to fall in love again. >> yeah. to see what else. >> jon: you know what i mean. >> falling in love starts with who the [bleep] is this. s this's where love-- . >> jon: right. >> all love begins with-- . >> jon: right. >> tas's how love begins. that is the first step towards love. >> jon: and love in a late night show is like because are's already in bed. >> yeah, exactly. >> jon: so the new guy walks in, and it really is going to be like, you know, i really do think i love jon but i guess more as a friend. like -- >> that's right. >> jon: like i want to [bleep] trevor's show. that kind of thing. >> that's right. >> jon: so i think it's going to invigorate all of our relationships. >> (cheers and applause) >> jon: in all different ways. i'm so happy to see you. i feel like what is so nice about, you know, you and quinn and patel and nick, you know, ray and all the guys, laura, there is a bond
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there, we don't see each other for 10, 20, it falls back into place. >> you pick up right where you left off when you see each other. but i have got to tell you. i'm really amazed what you did here, it is really impressive. you did this show for this long, kept it this good for this long, and stayed with the world's events and you were a voice of reason and you were funny. it's really like one of the great comedy accomplishments of all time that you did. >> very nice. >> con gradlations. >> jon: here's the thing. is. >> i will almost always, i will almost always uncomfortably deflate but when it's somebody that i love, that i respect, it means the world some thank you. >> people are throwing up right now. >> they're at home going oh, stop it. oh, god, that's awful. >> jon: i guess the real thing that i wanted to say is louis and i are both dying. >> that's right.
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>> jon: i thought i would puncture it a little bit. >> we will both be dead in a month. >> jon: i'm sorry. >> jon: we're going to g tomorrow night is the last one. >> him first and me a minute later. >> jon: by the way, holding hands. it's going to be one of those stories on the web. >> we're going to die holding hands. >> jon: one of those stories like comedians that were together for 30 years die within a minute of each other. >> and then people will click on that and be like i hope i die with a comedian like that. >> but everything else is good? >> yeah, fine. >> jon: by the way louis c.k. live at madison square garden is available on saturday. >> i want to say this about the new thing on my web site. i wouldn't buy t it's not very good. >> jon: not a good one. >> first of all, it's mostly material in my last special. and i haven't heard the mix, i think it was pretty bad so i made it like you could pay $1 or whatever you want. like you is set your price. because it doesn't seem fair
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to really sell if. >> if they listen it will you reimburse them for their trouble because sometimes the download can be. >> yeah, sure. >> jon: time is money and you got people there and they are downloading that thing. >> i will say this, if there is a loud off, clear enough message that everybody wants their money back i will give it all back. how long does it take to download, i have a doleup. so to get through. >> you think i can get it in like 18 hours. >> about that, don't listen to t you shouldn't get t don't get it don't get it. >> jon: i'm not listening to it at all. >> it comes out this saturday but just don't get it. >> jon: go to louis c.k..net, just not to get it. >> yeah. (laughter) >> jon: louis c.k..
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i am rich. on the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. i wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear. wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers.
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...a nation of checkers. missing this moment...
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...to check all of the other moments. really, mom? just one look. they'll never notice. checkers, you can keep failing at trying to sneak a peek. or, you can change the way you check your phone. it's 3-0 in the first. how'd you do that? magic. the samsung galaxy s6 edge, with discreet edge notifications. get $200 or more when you buy a galaxy s6 or s6 edge and trade in an eligible smartphone. >> jon: that's our show, everybody. remember, remember, tomorrow night, tomorrow night is the final episode. it's going to go long. so remember to set your thing and bring a snack cuz we're going to be here awhile. here it is, your moment of zen. >> the final tweet hitchbot said my love for humans will never fade. a thumbs up for people from the hitchhiking robot. >> rage against
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jon stewart: january 11, 1999. tonight, on "the daily show." pomp and circumstantial evidence in the senate. beth littleford gets down close and personal with the munchkins. has anyone here ever been tossed? -oh, no! -no. we don't approve of that. we heard about that. jon stewart: and "spin city's" michael j. fox pops my "daily show" cherry. [theme music] announcer: this is "the daily show with jon stewart," the most important television program ever. [theme music] [cheering and applause] hey! welcome. welcome, welcome to "the daily show." craig kilborn is on assignment in kuala lumpur. i'm jon stewart. coming up on today's show, stephen colbert with the latest analysis out of washington, beth littleford interviews
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the original munchkins, and michael j. fox is my first guest, and he's a nice man for doing it. but first, let the healing begin. it's headlines. [music playing] and now for our continued comprehensive coverage of the final blow. [music playing] you're out of order. he's out of order. this whole trial is sexy. president clinton's historic impeachment trial begins thursday, and the most important issue facing the united states senate is how can it take a pointless, tawdry trial whose outcome has already been decided and make it last six hilarious, humiliating months? one way to do it would be an endless parade of meaningless witnesses. i don't see how we can deny the house the ability to call witnesses if they believe it's critical to their case. now, we can negotiate with them about the numbers. we can decide that we're not going to allow material to be presented
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at the trial that's offensive. republicans want to call monica lewinsky to the stand, as well as any other women clinton may have had affairs with. however, many officials oppose the idea, saying the caravan of trailer homes to washington could paralyze interstate traffic and rob the little rock fast food industry of hundreds of its most reliable assistant managers. many senators have urged clinton to postpone his state of the union address. however, white house insiders say clinton's plans will not change, and he looks forward to addressing the nation on january 19, wearing a new tie from his bitch of the month club. so far, strom thurmond, ears still ringing from the big bang, has emerged as the star of the impeachment proceedings. here he is, buzzed from the pitcher of adrenaline juleps needed to keep him alive, swearing in chief justice william rehnquist.
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do you solemnly swear that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of william jefferson clinton, president of the united states, now pending, you will do impartial justice according to the constitution and laws, so help you god? thank you, jethro. now, i think we're all in good hands. the 96-year-old thurman did raise some eyebrows when he then turned to rehnquist an added, "i am immortal. i am the highlander." and that was our continuing comprehensive coverage of the final blow. [music playing] ah. i do. hyuk, hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. move over, charles and di. there's going to be a new wedding of the century as popeye the sailor man is finally going to get hitch-e-ket-y to his baffling object of affection, olive oyl. to honor the blessed event, popeye's best man j. wellington wimpy threw a raucous bachelor party,

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