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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  August 11, 2015 9:48am-10:21am PDT

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tonightly, thursday's debate muscle 24 million viewers, so congratulations to the night's big winners, 295 million americans that watched something else. those are the winners. also, jeb bush said the bar is set higher for him because his father and brother are were already president. which raises the important question, wait, there is a bar? >> oh. and the debate featured only one question about black lives matter. it also featured only one black life. set your dials to nightly, everyone, let's do this! [ cheers and applause captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> larry: thank you very much. welcome to the nightly show. oh, you are very kind. thank you so much. thank you. i appreciate it. please. please. please. such a nice audience, and you are right, i am larry. it is amazing how you guys picked up on that. >> i am larry wilmore. man, we have a great show tonight. the first gop presidential debate went down last thursday in cleveland, and it is the subject of tonight's presidential coverage. that's right. it's time to catch up on what is happening with the unblackening. >> larry: i don't think i should be so happy about the unblackening, i will be honest with you. it is just the music makes me happy. as with any presidential debate, the air was thick with sound bite gold like huckabee's new way of funding social security. the fair tax transforms the
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process by which we fund social security and medicare, because the money paid in consumption is paid by everybody, including illegals, prostitutes, pitches -- pimps. >> larry: pimp -- pimps. >> is that what is going to fix the budget? i mean, i knew it was hard out there for a pimp, but under mike huckabee it's going to be even harder, pimps. do we really want to deincentivize pimping? that's all i am saying. all right. you know what else and? i will be honest with you guys. we don't really care what anybody else said in the debate, right? let's get to our star. you call women you don't like fat pigs, dogs, slobs and disgusting animals. your twitter account. >> only rosie o'donnell. >> well i will tell you what, with hillary clinton i said be at my wedding and she came to my wedding. i don't mind having a big
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beautiful door on that wall so that people can come into this country legally. >> larry: and of course above that door it says donald trump presents america, somebody's doing the raping. donald trump door. now, 24 million people tuned in to this debate. and let's be honest. most people tuned in to see donald trump be all trumpy, right? i mean it's like god bestowed us with this most fantastic troll to gill the dog days of summer with glorious entertainment. in fact, he even looks like a troll doll. look at his hair. all right? doesn't he? look. i have one right here. see, look. doesn't it look like a troll? >> i am the most entertaining most loveable troll ever. okay. all right, all right. and like the rest of us, the
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media didn't pay attention to anything else in the debate besides trump. the and one of the biggest issues they focused on was trump's anger at what he perceived as being treated unfairly, by none other than fox's megyn kelly. you once told a contestant on celeb apprentice it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees. does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president? >> i think the big problem this country has is being politically correct. and, honestly, megan, if you don't like it, i am sorry. i have been very nice to you, although i could probably maybe not be, based on the way you have too treated me, but i wouldn't do that. >> larry: so his response to being accused of treating women poorly on television is a thinly veiled threat to a woman on television? >> in front of 24 million people:i know, a lot of people. i get it. of course, he talked to don lemon the next day and pretty much ripped the vail right off. >> you could see there was blood
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coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her, wherever. >> larry: her wherever? whatever could you be talking about? are you trying to insinuate that megyn kelly's "aunt flow" was in town? hmm? and that's why she was being so mean to you? so here was trump's explanation. >> i said her blood was wherever because i wanted to finish the sentence because i wanted to get off the whole thing and get back on to the subject of jobs or whatever i was going to say those and/or, nose and/or ears because that is a very common statement. blood pouring out of somebody's nose. >> i mean, even dick cheney would classify that explanation as tortured. since when is she had blood coming out of her eyes, nose and
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ears a common expression? i have been watching wheel of fortune for 30 years and i have never seen that. never. i have never seen that, okay? >> i also don't buy trump saying he was in a rush to get the conversation on to jobs, and that's why he said, wherever. now is sake wherever faster than saying nose? >> wherever is twice as long as nose, more than double if you throw in the extra e like i always do. >> it would be unfair of me to say donald trump is lying, okay here is what i believe about trump. i believe trump is the only person who gully believes things after he says them. all right? i mean, i am worth $10 billion, you are worth 4. >> i said ten, so that's what i believe. all right? he says, therefore it is. right? for example, the fallout from megyn kelly's menstruation gate was immediate. red state editor erick erickson
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disinvited trump from the red state gathering in atlanta on saturday. trump's response? >> frankly, i didn't want to do his event in the first place. >> that's right, larry. i didn't want to do it. it was my predecision that they fulfilled. he did the same thing when neil young told him to stop using his song at events. >> i don't even like that song that much. >> yep, that was a horrible song i post hated. you know who trump sounds like? >> i meant to do that. >> larry: of course, larry, it only makes sense. this is unbelievable. the, and the craziest part of it is, with all of this nonsense you would think trump is slipping in the polls, but no. >> despite the controversy and headlines a new poll finds donald trump is still on top
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with republican voters. nbc news survey monkey poll from friday and saturday shows trump 23 percent, ten points ahead of senator ted cruz. >> larry: i find it richly ironic it is survey monkey who finds trump on top of the polls. in fact, we actually have survey monkey live via satellite. survey monkey, how do you feel about trump surging in the polls? >> survey monkey, i think we lost the monkey feed. >> let me just sum up what we have gone through in the last month and a half, if i may. okay. so far, trump has called mexicans rapists and attacked one of america's most beloved pows and game out a sitting senator's phone number out of spite. and now he basically blamed a woman's tough questioning on her period.
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and his polls just go higher and higher and higher. i know last month the polls seemed ironic, right? we were all doing a joke, we were all laughing, ha, ha. trump is funny, man. he is funny. he is going to be done in a week, right? america, i am talking to you directly. stop it! [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: stop it. america, listen to me, stop it. >> this is the classiest most -- >> huh-uh. stop it. we will be right back. we will be right back. [ cheers and applause ] everyday, millions of amazing photos and videos are shot with iphone. ♪
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somesubway doesn'tink have enough flavor. i'm here to help 'em think differently. so what are you having today? you know that sandwich you always get? turkey breast on 9-grain wheat. italian bmt? i can make it even better. you ever try this toasted with monterrey cheddar? you know what, why not, yeah. you and me working together, like we're singing the same tune in perfect harmony. ok how about we spice this up a little bit? some red onions, some sweet onion sauce? that sounds amazing. you can lead, i'll back you up. oh yeah! come on in, let's rock this sandwich together. subway. eat fresh.
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okay, what is this? it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a totally new cool. new ice breakers cool blasts. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: welcome back. besides looking forward to what
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trump had to say in last thursday's debate there was one other issue i was forward to hearing the candidates discuss. >> governor walker, many in the black lives matter movement and beyond believe that overly aggressive police officers targeting young african-americans is the civil rights issue of our time. do you agree? >> i've got to say, it was really nice of the price is right graphics department to lend their talents to fox for the night. very nice. very thoughtful. but rejected plinko animation makes a good point, 8.5 million people is a lot of people. okay. i know this is going to be a huge part of the debate. as big an issue as race is right now, this is could be its own debate. >> all right, scott walker is up first. let's see how he eases us into this section of the night it's about making sure that law enforcement professionals, not only on the way into their positions but all the way through their time have the proper training. particularly when it comes to
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use of force. thethere are consequences to shw that we treat everyone the same here in america. >> thank you. >> for more of our debate -- >> that's it? you are going to commercial? no follow-up? race gets one question to the whitest guy on the panel? man. i don't even get to hear, i don't even get to hear trump run his mouth about how he thinks the blacks are licks you ares you and fantastic. >> man, i can't believe fox spent so little time on race. in fact, this is true, the entire amount of time they spent was 31 seconds. all right? which brings us to our classic segment, ricky velez heats up a pop tart, sponsored by toaster strudel. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: okay. tonight we are challenging ricky to see if he can heat up a pop tart in the time that the fox news republican debate spent on
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black lives matter. >> i have got this, larry. i can do it. >> larry: you know it's the fox debate, right. >> i don't know what that means but no problem. >> larry: let's do it, get ready, and go. >> well, i think the post, most important thing we can do when it comes to policing is something you have had a guest on, a friend of mine, milwaukee. >> he is opening it, and struggling. >> make sure law enforcement. >> he is in the middle part of his statement. >> he is getting close to the end of his statement. she getting there, yes -- >> use of force. >> larry: getting close. yep. how is that pop tart going? >> it is not going well. >> larry: no? and -- [ buzzer ] >> larry: oh! ricky you didn't make it. what happened?. >> how was i supposed to make it? it wasn't enough time! 31 seconds! [ cheers and applause ] >> 31 seconds!, 31 seconds is
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unfair to a pop tart, larry. >> larry: yes, it is ricky, yes, it is. ricky velez, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: not only did they spend less than a pop tart cooking time on black lives matter, the commercial they went to right after was this. >> we took the and it became our weapon. i am coming straight outa compton. >> that is 100 percent true, okay? i did not make that up. the fox debate spent 31 seconds on black lives matter and then went to the straight outa compton trailer? >> and for the record that commercial was 29 seconds longer than the debate spent on so-called racial issues. you know what? you know what? you can boo all you want but the message is clear, black lives matter when they are paying for ad time. we will be right back. >> >> [ cheers and applause anything. anywhere. anytime.
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>> larry: welcome back. i am here with my panel. nightly show contributor, you know him, mike yards. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: also, he's a comedian, writer and the host of fusion's the chris gethard show. chris gethard. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: and you can catch her this fall as a panelist on meredith, comedian yamaneika saunders. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: so. we are talking about donald trump, i mean, here is what is amazing to he about donald trump, no matter what he says, right, he just can't be destroyed. i mean, the it is almost like they traveled here from the future to wipe out the republican party, right? and he just won't die. he is like the terminator. i mean, honestly, no matter what your partisan belief, be mons is trump the only reason you tuned into that debate? were you interested in any other person? >> no, i wasn't interested in anyone but him because he is nuts, like a wild bore just running around.
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>> like a wild boar? >> he is crazy. but you know, he was amazing. i was only watching for him but i did notice that ron paul, rand paul, running, randing. >> he was going nuts and having a hard time because he had to be so straight-laced and instead of going nuts, no, i -- no, i have to be more sane than you. >> trump even told him he was having a hard time. that's the other thing. >> i watched it for trump because i feel like he is a crazy rich old white dude but if he stops being crazy then you watch like regular rich dudes, i would rather watch him be crazy than the other guys talk about anything. >> i have to be honest, i wanted to see what marco rubio had to say and governor kasich had to say and ben carson and they spoke and it is like, well, what
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is trump up to? >> exactly. it is true. i am done. >> man, you know -- such an interesting guy. (bleep). >> larry: it is interesting, i thought a, i saw a lot of women coming out supporting trump after that. what is up about that? i don't understand that. >> you have never seen a woman -- because you know what it is, donald trump says these things and we start to believe it the. like mexicans will bring over -- he said this is how you know mexicans are on our side, i got on the phone with the president. he is naming mexican things, stephen chavez, stephen gonzalez, and people go, oh, okay, the mexican people said okay and he does the same thing with women. >> on the phone with speedy gonzales? >> he would say that. he knows people, and -- >> larry: all right, all right. >> i don't get it man, i don't
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get it. >> do you think he meant to say that thing about -- >> about megyn kelly? >> if i were able to figure out what trump was trying to say, i would kill myself. there is no way in hell i want to be in trump's head. there is no (bleep)ing way. okay? there is no way. i don't get it, man. it is like things you can't answer. like why are there republicans? i don't (bleep)ing know. there are things i don't get. [ cheers and applause ] >> do you think fox news is out to get him as some people say or -- >> i feel like they feel responsible for his creation and now they feel it is necessary to take him out. >> i know. >> i feel like --. >> they created the monster. >> and now we must kill you, monster. >> watching fox news feels like my dad felt going to a high school musical. >> i made this and this is what you do with your time? >> right. >> you know what?
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[ applause ] >> larry: go ahead. >> like you said, they created him when he was talking about obama and he was running him on tv, every day, it is like where is the birth certificate? right. so now, it is all giggles until the bully turns on you. you know what i am saying? >> it is funny when he is punching other people in the face but when he starts (bleep)ing with you, it is like, hold on a minute. i thought we were friends. what the (bleep) is going on? [ cheers and applause ] >> so i ran through the litany of all of the things he said and, you know, you have mentioned a couple. mexicans are rapist, john mccain was tortured as a pow. >> how do you slam that? >> all of this stuff and, you know, his ratings keep going up. >> i think he is going to implode at some point. i have no idea at this point what could bring him down. hike serious. i mean, other than what is he
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going to say, jesus was a loser? >> jesus is a loser? what can you do at this point. >> there is nothing -- it is magical and like i said in my mind i think i voted for hillary. i don't know. i am so confused. i am voting for him. >> he is bugs bunny in america. >> absolutely, yes. >> (bleep), uh, uh, what happened. >> that is what is going to happen. >> exactly. exactly. >> he will take his dick out at some point and we will all be fine, we will all be fine. >> he probably would. and it will be the most beautiful penis in the world. >> i am uncircumcised and check this out. and we are good, we are good. >> larry: oh, my god. >> so people do like him for the simple fact he says what he thinks and they don't care about the actual content? >> i feel like the people like him must be guys who still think wrestling is real, you know what i mean? like a stranglehold --
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>> i think that people that like trump, there is a contingent of -- i could be wrong but i think it is white men who are scared of the ethnic takeover. just think about it. all trump says is mexicans are rapists. we are losing to mexico, we are losing to china. and it is all ethnic. everything is ethnic. we are never losing to europe. do you ever spend money in europe? they will laugh at you. they don't want our money. we are losing to them so they never bring them up. >> and he turns around and says i am going to get the chinese vote and the mexican vote and the black vote and i am getting the woman vote. we will be right back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> grab some free tickets to uncoming taping of "the daily show". for complete dailies details go for complete dailies details go to
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>> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panelists, mike yard, chris gethard and yamaneika saunders. yamaneika saunders. good nightly,
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taj: the legendary van wilder was my mentor. he enabled me to become the king of cool at coolidge college, thanks to his many insightful life lessons, like, "two's company, "and three is only good if there's no class the next day." i'm now going to england to take the path of another great man, my father, and continue my academic studies at camford university. after pursuing my degree in history, i'll go ahead and get a minor in major [...] munching. you're not listening to anything i'm saying, are you? not a word, mr. minor- in-major-[...]-munching. flight attendant: chicken or fish? yes, i'll have the chicken, please.

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