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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  August 12, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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good nightly, everyone. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on today! last night, 73-year-old democratic presidential candidate bernie sanders held a rally in los angeles with a turnout so huge, you'd think lenny kravitz was going to take his dick out again. but while sanders' support is surging, there's just no getting around how 73 years old he is. >> we have more than 27,000! it's great, but it's like his defall tone is yelling at an exhausted diner waiter.
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we can change this country. we can bring socialist change, but first i want to speak to the manager. this is goddamn ridiculous! since r change 30 for my soup. but with rock-star concert rally numbers, he's clearly hot right now. so comedians, as bernie sanders, give me some backstage demands on your rider for speaking engagements. julie klausner, go. >> just a cup of hot water. i brought my own tea bag. you're not going to charge me. >> chris: bobcat goldthwait. >> i want a tight bowl of grass roots. jonah ray. >> more time. >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick.
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tonight's comedians are: from "difficult people," available now on hulu with new episodes on wednesdays, julie klausner. ( cheers and applause ) director of the documentary film "call me lucky" in select theaters now, info at, mr. bobcat goldthwait. ( cheers and applause ) and from "the meltdown with jonah & kumail" on comedy central tonight following tonight's program, jonah ray. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." now, i was born in kentucky, grew up in tennessee, and down south there's a saying that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." well, guess what, the state of alabama is broke, and they want you to fix it. to deal with their $300 million shortfall, a local politician set up a gofundme page so alabamians can avoid the cardinal sin of paying taxes.
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they're looking for $300 million. $598 so far. which is-- they've essentially crowdfunded the down payment on a 2004 pontiac sunfire. i think this is even a generous sliver of what that is out of 300. alabama needs our help to fix the roads in booger creek. so comedians, what are some other outside-the-tackle-box ideas to help alabama raise some scratch? >> he'll charge five bucks to see his sister's good tit. not that other one, chris. >> i want to see the screwy one! >> no! got spider bites all over it! >> chris: julie klausner. >> how about start charging your sister for those three mustache rights. >> chris: points. finally. >> they aren't free no more, sister. >> chris: mustache rides don't
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grow on trees. >> maybe pu pussy willows. >> chris: points! 500 points for that. the internet can be a silly, frivolous place, but once in a great while a video comes along that not only entertains but also teaches us something about the human condition. i give you: "drunk friend's never-ending escalator ride." look over here for comparison. that's what a working escalator looks like. ( laughter ) yeah. and it just went on and on like that. ( applause ) comedians, give me a piece of this inebriated rhodes scholar's inner monologue. bobcat. >> i guess-- i guess i'll just pee right here. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> i'm a nonviolent person, i really am, but sometimes when i'm on an askularity there will be an old woman and-- and-- >> uh-oh! >> i think i want to hit her in the head. and i never would, but i just -- >> she's just blocking the way. >> no, just-- i just want to hit her in the head. ( laughter ) it's not a very well-thought-out crime because then i have to ride with her. ( laughter ) >> chris: moving on. it's a tough time for tv news. john brown of orlando's local fox 35 station went all howard beale and stormed off set in protest of a story he felt was below his journalistic integrity. take a look. >> i'm having a good fridays, so i refuse to talk about the kardashians today. you are on your own, amy. i can't do it. i had enough kardashians. i can't take any more kardashian stories on the show. ( applause ) >> chris: that's a different
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guy. always a surplus of replacement white guys waiting in the wing. they're like kleenex. oops, there's another one. he's a real newsman who only covers the hardest-hitting stories! like this powerful segment on jazzercise. or this shocking expose on the easter egg industry. and here he is eating dog food. which is probably a subtex of the daily existence of hosting a morning news tv show. so comedians, as a fed-up orlando morning show host, throw another hard-hitting news story. >> i'm john browne. coming up, how gay can a dog be? we'll find out when we meet terrance. ( applause ) >> chris: bobcat. >> coming up next, i got a hot lead enema and the cameras come
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with me. >> i guess it's true what they sayue can teach an old dog new tricks. from orlando's all-kill animal shelter. ( bleep ) ( applause ) >> chris: what-- what a-- what a horrible premise for a bus business. ( laughter ) that's the end of "rapid refresh." it's now time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." a great memoir chronicles the author's life in their own words, as in frank mccourt's "angela's ashes,",or dennis rodman's "bad as i wanna be." and today marks the release of our friend felicia day's memoir, "you're never weird on the internet (almost)". you should go buy this because felicia is rad and it's great. so in her honor, our hashtag is.
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#mymemoirwouldbecalled. that's a type writer. it's like a computer that you can't jerk off to. >> i doubt that, chris. >> chris: what? >> sounded like a dare to me. ( laughter ) >> is that the next challenge. >> yeah, we're ready. we're all ready. >> the oldest guy.y some examples might be: comic-con fegzs, or talking points, or mostly ( bleep ) until fairly recently. or a totally could have ( bleep )ed your mom in the 90s. the chris hardwick story. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. >> chris hardwick's friend, the jonah ray story. >> nothing's perfect except for my perfect breasts. >> chris: points. bobcat. >> are you there, god? it's me the guy from "police academy." ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> chris: i love you so much that you referenced that. points. julie. >> these are real-- my perfect breasts. >> chris: points. julie. >> i have perfect breasts. want to read a book about it. >> i'm not balled. i'm a hat epithusiast. >> eat, pray, love, read, jerk off, go to sleep. >> chris: jonah ray-- the white one, the story of kumail's tall friend. >> chris: kumail is so great. jonah will you tell kumail i said hi. bobcat? >> i'll burn that bridge when i get to it? >> chris: points. jonah ray. >> a midwest 10. >> chris: yeah, point. perfect. that's the end of "#hashtagwars."
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send us your #mymemoirwouldbecalled and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @thechrisvittoe. @thechrisvittoe. well done! at outback, @steak and unlimited shrimp well done! is back! for just $15.99! for a limited time... try unlimited garlic herb butter... or crispy shrimp for just $15.99 and let the bold flavors... speak for themselves with unlimited shrimp at outback
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will be in sacramento this friday, august 14th and san jose this saturday, august 15th. tickets are still available, go to fo >> if you don't know "unexpected thug life." then you tonight know ( bleep ). it's a classic internet meme that exposed seemingly innocent kids for the hard-ass suckers they are. this is what thug life is all about. >> say hello to the camera. hello ( bleep ). >> i never wanted to be a father right now. >> chris: comedians i'm going to show you a picture of something adorable and i want you to tell me if they're cute little thugs or cute little hugs. the first one, this goddamn
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ginger. >> i'm going to go thug life. >> chris: let's see. >> i don't (bleep) with you! thug life. >> i have to give richie cunningham credit for saying, "excuse me language. shut the ( bleep ) up! >> chris: next one. how about these adorable children? jonah? >> hug life. >> chris: i think you may be surprised. >> ( bleep ) you? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> as soon as he started muttering, the baby should have been taken away.
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like any woman knows as soon as a guy is muttering on the subway, you switch cars. >> i did not expect that. it was so ( bleep )ed up. >> chris: they're fine, probably. >> i feel bad for the parent that films it and just goes, "thug life meme." >> don't worry, we'll make another one. >> that was take for. >> it was a whole bucket of bacon they were going through. next one, what about this math whiz? thug life or hug life? julie? >> i'm going to hope hug life. >> i love how people are telling me i'm, like, two-nine years old. i'm eleven, so shut the (bleep) up. this li'l selfie. thug life or hug life?
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>> jonah? >> thug life because he looks like a young eminem. >> "hey kids, are you ready for "modern warfare 3"? well, you're not old enough to play it, so get the (bleep) off. >> he almost didn't make it. he almost went hug. >> i think that's hug life. >> chris: he was on the border of hug and went straight into thug. shut the ( bleep ) up. why are you whispering. when you will put it on the internet. this one may surprise you. thug life or hug life. >> i'll say thug life because they've all been thug life. >> brock tard, what did you learn in school today? he learned not to go pee in your pants, didn't you? yayy! good job, brock tard! (bleep) school. ( applause ) it's time for our life
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challenge, alphabets are off. >> the endorsed corporate heads of google announced the formation of a new company, alphabet. because google didn't have name recognition. they are going to do cool thing, looks forward to the future and how to innovate and involve technology in the evolution of man. but the they way described it doesn't sound-- it's basically we're excited about-dot dot dot, taking the long-term screw. investing at the scale of the opportunities and resources. wake up! wake up! somebody at alphabet should google, "good writing." >> oh, ( bleep ) you. ( bleep ) your face. i'm going to ( bleep ) your face. their meaningless mission statement sounds like it was football player in detention. it seems like this kind of corporate jibber-jabber is everywhere now, so comedians, as
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the google executive who wrote this, i want you to tell your significant other how you're going to sex them up when you get home using a similar tone of language. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight." ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides.
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i told you about alphabet, which is what money calls google now. i asked you to pretend you're one of these boring corporate types and tell your loved one what you're going to do to them. >> check your outlook. i want you to finger me later. >> chris: bobcat. >> i'm experiencing rapid growth and would like to make a deposit in your assets. come on. it's my birthday. >> chris: yeah. perfect. ( cheers and applause ) jonah ray. >> you here are my three pillars to a satisfying sexual experience-- invasion, imagination, letting me blast in your hair. ( applause ) >> chris: 1,000 to bobcat. 500 to joan and julie each. as we go to our next game.
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"health and ( bleep ). if groupon and facebook and housewives' instagram feeds are any indication, culty exercise classes have taken over the internet. they're like the yin to brunch's yang. these workouts always have new-agey names that sound like they belong in an aol chat room for singles, like "cardiofaith57" and "flycyclecrunchmaster" and "beef90x." oh, look, it's a guy-cycle. what's happening there? >> i used to ride those all the time. ( laughter ) they say you never forget but sometimes i forget. >> chris: so comedians, i want you to come up with as many names as you can for culty exercise classes you'd never want to take. in 60 seconds. >> jesus died on the crossfit. >> chris: points. bobcat.
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>> amateur laps to prolapse. >> chris: points. jonah. areole aerobics. >> marathon walking house on netflix. >> chris: points. bobcat. >> kettle bell with p-diddy. >> bobcat golf way training. >> chris: points. julie. >> a thing where your high school bully chases you around your home town. >> chris: okay, points. balk. >> ( bleep ) you, jonah. >> chris: jonah. >> running from bill cosby. >> chris: points. you know what? you guys are tied and i'm in a good mood. let's everyone go to "for the win." ( cheers and applause ) that meensz it's time to take sides. it is for the win. a twitter war broke out between jeb bush and hillary clinton-- or more accurately, between the 22-year-old interns who actually run their social media.
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it started when team hillary-- seen here posing as a powerful oil-- ( laughter ) tweeted this infographic about student loan debt. right there. "$1.2 trillion: the amount 40 million americans owe in student debt." then team jeb fired back with this statistical burn: "100%: the increase in student debt under this democratic white house." ohhhh! ( bleep ). so then hilldog went all mom's spaghetti with this ms paint own: "f: the grade given to florida for college affordability under jeb bush's leadership". oh, ( bleep ). who is jacked for another year and a half of this ( bleep ). comedians, i'd like you to jump in on this political twitter beef with a bitchy infographic of your own. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." ( cheers and applause ) i'm going to college, but also launching a new start up.
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they're jamminget in the street ♪ all night long four delicious flavors. one new bud light lime rita-fiesta pack. fiesta forever. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." >> it's time for, for the win. we it the three-way.
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it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-wipe, wipe, wipe-- because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i walked you through a twitter image war between hillary clinton and jeb bush, which climaxed with this salvo from team hillary. i asked you to join the war by modifying this image as a different candidate. let's reveal your answers. >> chris: next one. that one? making the zeros into balls was very innovative. as i have oft said on this show, the balls win. who was that one? julie klausner!
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well done! well done! excellent artistry on your part. beautifully drawn balls. >> thank you, thank you! >> chris: you really captured the spirit of it. >> write what you love. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be doug benson, michelle buteau, and moshe kasher. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #mymemoirwouldbecalled and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. also watch "the melted down" with this jerk! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ gonna have some kind of dreams ♪ ♪ gonna be a slow poke


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