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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 17, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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aha! but this way, my way, archer thinks we are dead, so he will never think to come looking for us again! it was still a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid plan. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. tonight, our guest very exciting, from a show called "the goldbergs," actor jeff
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garlin. ( cheers and applause ) first, now that hillary clinton and several republican candidates have thrown their hats into the ring, the 2016 election season is finally in bloom, like a beautiful flower that costs billions and billions of dollars and ultimately smells like ( bleep ). ( laughter ) the election season flowers is really one of your les-desirable flowers. and even though there is still an ungodly amount of time before the election, rrptz focused on mostly big-picture issues. >> would you attend a gay wedding? >> if a same-sex couple invited you to their wedding, would you go? >> if you had a loved one or friend getting married in a same-sex wedding, would you attend? >> the question is would you attend a gay wedding? ( laughter ). >> jon: if you can't handle these questions, how are you going to handle putin asking you to go to a gay wedding? how are you going to handle that?
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( laughter ) yeah. this election is going to boil down to who do you trust to pick up the phone at 3:00 a.m. and r.s.v.p. to a gay wedding. ( laughter ) but that is how far gay marriage has advanced in this country. compare that to the questions g.o.p. candidates were being asked in the last election cycle. >> do you believe state lawmakers have the right to make same-sex marriage legal? ntheir states? >> would you support an amendment to the u.s. constitution defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman? >> would a president santorum push for a constitutional amendment as president bush once proposed banning same-sex marriage? >> jon: oh, my god! president santorum. ( laughter ) you kill me! you got me again, john king, you praingster. ( laughter ) , of course, the national shift makes it a lot more acceptable now for republican candidates to say kind of things they were saying in the last campaign cycle as well. >> i am for a constitutional
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amendment that says marriage is between a man and a woman at the federal level. >> the sacrament of marriage is based on a man and woman. >> marriage existed before governments existed. i can call this napkin a paper towel, but it is a napkin. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, oh, and let me gets, in your scenario, the paper towel is the gay guy. oh, okay. how stereotypical you can get? ( cheers and applause ) you get my point. republicans can no longer dismiss gay marriage out of hand. they must engage the question. >> the question is, if you would attend to a gay wedding. >> if somebody in my life that i loved and cared for, of course, i would. i mean, i'm not going to hurt
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them simply because i have a dis-- i disagree with a choice they've made. >> jon: in my mind, obviously, what they're doing is a crime against god, but come on. the reception's probably going to be awesome. ( laughter ) i didn't learn the entire dance for nothing. ( cheers and applause ) here's how far-- here's how far this issue has moved. some of the most conservatively credentialed of the candidates are at least going to the reception. >> a family member or had a family member who had a reception, but for someone i love, we would be at the reception. >> i have a friend who is gay who asked me if i would go to his wedding. and i went home and said to my wife,un, "my friend's getting married. what do you think? do you want to go?" she said,"i'm absolutely going." i called him today and said, "hey, just let me know what time it is."
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>> jon: and he said 3:00 p.m. on a fridays and it's a cash bar. and then i said, "are you ( bleep ) kidding me? this wedding is an abomination." , of course, some republicans still having trouble shedding their 2012 ways. >> would you, rick santorum, attend a same-sex wedding of of a loved one or family friend or anyone you were close to? >> no, i would not. i would love them and support them. i would not participate in that ceremony. >> jon: you know, i know-- i know you don't want to redefine the word request "marrt it does appear you want to redefine the words "love and support." but it's okay. it doesn't matter. ( cheers and applause ) santorum doesn't want to attend a wedding. that's fine. he'll be there on the wedding night. don't google that. don't-- don't google that.
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don't-- ( applause ) yeah... you're going to need a napkin and a paper towel. ( laughter ) anyone else want to weigh in? how about straight-talking firebrand ted cruz? >> if you had a loved one or a friend getting married in a same-sex wedding, would you attend it? >> well, i will tell you i haven't faced that circumstance. >> jon: nice try, reporter. he doesn't have friends and doesn't get invited to those things, especially weddings. ted cruz and the happiest day of someone's life they don't really go together. at this point, candidates who oppose gay marriage can't do it with the fire and brim stone rhetoric. the worst they can do is sound like a catty relative. "i'll go but..." what kind of a virgo marries a libra? really the only thing that hasn't changed in the last four years is how angry republicans get when you ask them about it.
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>> what is the gotcha question coming way out of the past. i stand very strong for marriage between one man and one woman. >>un, that's part of the gotcha game but the media tries to twist the question of marriage into, is they try to twist it into a battle of emotions and personalities. >> jon: exactly, emotions and personalities have no place in a discussion about marriage. ( laughter ) marriage is an abstract principle that exists on a theoretical plain and has no practical impact on people as god intended. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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the u.s. capitol. >> the pilot was this man, dow jones hughes, a postal worker from florida. >> apparently, literally flew in under the radar, literally. >> by the time he moves all the way into the real middle of it all here, he is one of the most protected pieces of air in this entire country. >> jon: what it's forget the gyrocopter. the real threat is cnn's giant tom forman. "give me a billion dollars or i will crush the city! rrrrrr!" so the key to this ( applause ) i like to swing my chair. the key to this harmless in no way interesting to actual terrorist security breach was to to fly a gyrocopter so low it was invisible to radar. fortunately, there was another kind of alarm system that was able to detect this threat. >> this is not good, people.
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( laughter ) ( applause ). >> jon: yes. we deployed our country's vaunted heydar as in, "hey! dar!" what's incredibly hard to believe it chipotle over here was able to plan all this without being discovered, a plot like this, i imagine had to be kept in total secrecy see. >> he blogged about his plans in 2013. >> he also told secret service agents about his plans a year ago. >> the secret service said they received a call at approximately 1 p.m. from a reporter with the "tampa bay times "who asked if the agency was aware of a permit obtained by hughes to fly and land on the capitol grounds. ( laughter )
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( applause ) >> jon: our country employs history's most advanced and somewhat nefarious security network thoroughly monitoring our personal data every day, n.s.a. spy center and $1.7 billion in the context of the total national it defense budget of $633 billion, our every e-mail gets analyzed like a newly discovered shakespeare play, but when a guy sends you his explicit plans to violate red zone d.c. airspace, that is like the user agreement... scroll, scroll, scroll, sure, agree, i don't care. our entire national security-- our entire national security apparatus rights our privacy daily obsessively looking for a need nel a haystack, and he's standing over there waving a giant needle, and homeland security is like get that sharp thing out of my face. i got needles to find.
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well, if mr. hughes' intent was to point out holes in our national security, mission accomplished. >> hughes landed his gyrocopter on the capitol lawn as part of a protest against campaign finance laws. >> carrying 535 letters, one for each member of congress. >> the pilot had hoped to spark a conversation about the state of big 99 politics. >> jon: i know what? to be fair. campaign finance laws are a major problem. kudos to that fella. that is a conversation we should be having, and if it takes a pilot from "mad max" over here to start that conversation, then so be it. let's not ignore the complete d.c. security meltdown conversation. it's not just the capitol. these breaches have been happening at the white house. >> sweeping change religion coming including a possible 10-foot fence. >> a possible double fence. >> barbed wire. >> a moarkts. >> an electrified rail, even
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nondrying pant is considered. >> jon: here's your problem. let me tell you how the nondrying pant works. the intruders brush up on the nondrying fence, get a white stripe down their back, and a skunk tries to molest them. >> there's been a security breach at the white house this, time involving a four-year-old. the child managed to climb under a temporary barrier along pennsylvania avenue. secret service agents responded with guns drawn only to find the intruder was a child. >> the spokesperson for the secret service said the child got a time-out. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: in guatanamo. ( laughter ) specifically, baby gitmo. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight thinks he's so funny. ( laughter ) he's got a television show, too. >> good. fill your mouth with that delicious buttered bagel i made you. i want to ask for a favor. >> no! >> imagine a world where you can live out your dream of having an athletic son including of a triple flat-footer. >> no. >> that world can be yours for $250. >> no. >> because with your help @. >> no. >> i can become, you're going to love this-- >> no. >> an olympics class centur. >> seriously, of all sport, you pick the one with the pointy
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swords. you know how your mom is crazy about eye safety, crazy! >> jon: please welcome back to the program jeff garlin! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: flaul fall, let me ben with this, that is a magnificent cap. >> yes, yes, made at al the tire in north beach for me. >> jon: am i wrong that that is known as a jeff cap or a tam. what do they controversy that as? >> "hay, taxi! "i don't know. by the way, your sound person, i have never had this happen -- >> tim, marlin? >> a woman, i don't know. >> jon: marilyn. >> marilyn. she told me when i go out there to sit up straight. >> jon: thank you! i can tell you something--
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>> no one's ever done that before ( laughter ). >> jon: the one thing-- and i mean this sin serious-- the one thing that when i leave i think will suffer greatly is the posture of our guests from what i understand. >> yeah, yeah. i want to talk about something. ( laughter ). >> jon: well, we're on a talk show, so all right. >> look, i'm not here-- i'm not here to promote anything. i'm not. yes, i'm on "the goldbergs" wednesday on abc. ( cheers and applause ) yes. but it's-- it's a very successful show already. >> jon: it's a hugely successful show. >> i don't know need to come on here -- >> you don't need to do any of this. >> to promote abc oned withs. >> jon: people don't snead to know that you're on abc. >> and you be because we started together, i'm a stand-up comedienne, and yes, i'm a big television star. so why would i need to promote this weekend that i'm going to be at the improv in atlanta? i don't need to do that.
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>> jon: are you really at the improv in atlanta? >> i'm at the improv in atlanta, yeah. >> jon: if you've never seen jeff garlin do stand-up,un, you know you're not alone. >> you're not. a the the love people haven't. >> jon: he's great. we used to work the road together. he's great. >> i am here because i thought this was your last week. >> jon: you did? >> and then last night-- you made-- you made your announcement last night. >> jon: yes. >> and i was watching and i'm like what are you talk-- see, i thought your last week you'd have your best friend. and -- >> but here's, can i tell you something-- let me explain something. i ( bleep ) talked to him last week on the phone. ( laughter ) so you would think that a friend might say when we're talking on the phone, "oh, by the way, is this your last week?" >> okay, i thought you'd have your three best friends, and i know i'm number three. bruce springsteen, number one. number -- >> but that's fantasy friend.
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that's not-- you're my real friend. >> number two, sofia vergara. ( cheers and applause ) always talking about her. ( laughter ) that's all he does. ( cheers and applause ) and then me-- >> i like my women like i like my coffee, pricy. >> i never heard you do that before. that's funny. all right. ( laughter ) now, you're coming off here august something, august what? >> jon: you still don't someonknow? >> what is it? >> jon: august 6. >> so ironically, you're going off the air when i go back into production "th. >> jon: i don't know that that's irony. >> how is that irony? >> let a man finish. all right. >> jon: i spent my whole life letting you finish. let me tell you something,
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kramden! one of these days! >> we did do barney and fred when we audition gld we auditioned for a commercial once and for some reason we decide to go dressed as barney and friend like idiots. like idiots. ( cheers and applause ) by the way, guess who was barney? ( laughter ). >> my favorite i think was the casting director did not find it funny. and she actually was mad at us. i'm not making that up. but here's the important thing. >> jon: all right, all right. >> one about half of abc and sony pictures television i am offering you a role on "the goldbergs" as my new friend toby. ( laughter ). ( cheers ). >> jon: why toby? why toby. >> toby, that's what the writers came up with, toby. >> audience: toby! toby! toby!
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toby! toby! toby! >> jon: all right. toby-- so i'm toby goldberg. >> no, it won't be goldberg, no, no. schwartz. >> jon: fine. toby schwartz. >> and you own a lotion shop next to my-- ( laughter ) next to my furniture store. and you and i talk about things. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: come here, come here. a lot of people have said to me-- and i mean this sincerely-- a the lot of people have said to me, what, are you going to do when you're done?" and i've had a secret dream. and that is to pretend to be a lotion shop owner. and for you to make that-- for you to make that dream come true to me it's-- thank you. >> hey, friend, third best friend. be? >> three. >> jon: behind springsteen and sofia vergara.
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"the goldbergs," which is unnecessary for me to remind you because it's a hill television show, airs wednesday nights at 8:30 on abc. jeff garlin! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ if you can't stand the heat, get off the test track. get the mercedes-benz you've been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. but hurry, offers end august 31st. share your summer moments in your mercedes-benz with us.
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♪ real fruit in silky smooth dove dark chocolate. dove fruit. choose a pleasure less ordinary. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: we're going to check in real quick with our good friend larry wilmore on the "the nightly show." last night, i'm sorry we didn't get to do it, i was announcing final date, august 6. >> yi am pumped, yes!
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>> jon: that i am leaving. >> no, jon, i was talking about the pretear of "top chefs duels." >> jon: can you tivo that, that night. because we're having a party. >> sorry, jon, i'm having a party that night, too, for the top chefs duel premiere. you're whole staff is coming. >> jon: i thought they were going to come to my party. >> i'm just messing with you, man! i'm messing with you. i'll be there. the food better not suck, all right. >> jon: no, it won't. thanks, larry. larry wilmore, everybody. that is our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> the next 20 months are going to be a hobbesian state of nature. it's going to be like "lord of the flies. but let me tell you something, january 2017 is coming. ( applause )
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tonightly -- trump steals the show at the iowa state fair with his shiny new helicopter. okay, i give up! how small is this guy's penis? (laughter) (cheers) it's got to be -- (cheers and applause) also, g.o.p. candidates enjoy bacon-wrapped corn dogs and fried twinkies at the iowa state fair. (laughter) note to republicans -- see, this is why america needs universal healthcare. (laughter) (cheers and applause) and a scathing "new york times" article claims that amazon is a terrible place to work.

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