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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  September 11, 2015 9:12am-9:45am PDT

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with pg&e's business energy check-up. tonightly, fox news calls out dic cheney for lying. well, isn't that just the dick alling the-- calling the dick a dick. (laughter) >> black tennis star james blakes gets roughed up by the nypd. in the police's defense, they didn't know he was famous. right? they just thought he was --
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>> i get it and the nfl season kicks off tonight. it's the steelers versus the patriots and your conscience versus mounting evidence the nfl is evil. let's do this lam captioning sponsored by comedy central . (cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much. welcomed to the nightly show. so very kind. >> larry, larry, larry ♪ larry, lar's. >> larry: it's very kind. i i appreciated you were very larry, lar's-- larry, you guys, nice, man, i like that. you guys nailed it.
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and you are correct, i'm larry wilmore, this is the nightly show. a couple of questions i have for you guys tonight, number one, are you ready for some football? (cheers and applause) looks like the answer is yes, number two, are you ready to prevent iran from using nuclear weapons? (cheers and applause) that one has a more complicated answer, i agree. so here's the situation. okay, you're all familiar with obama iran nuclear deal, very complicated but basically this is it. everybody agrees that iran wants to eventually get nuclear weapons. right? but this deal is just trying to slow that possibility down, in classic cartoon term terms they're trying to pour moll as etion into the acme centrifuges, right, that is basically what this deal is let's keep it 100 there written teligent arguments for and against obama's deal. and then there's this guy. >> if you look at what happened with respect to the iran yen deal, the only
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winner are the iranians. >> larry: that's right, dick is back! yeah! hey, come on, guys. you know, there's something wrong with the world when you lose jon stewart and retain dick chaney. (applause) >> larry: something not right. and you know what, jon actually warned me about this. he left me a little pamphlet about how to handle dick cheney, he did. it's called jon stewart's guide to handling dick. (applause) probably not the best title. that's all right. okay. number one, make immature dick joke, complete, done. take a few deep breaths. obama is-- okay, check that off, oh this is interesting. it says show any clip of dick cheney, trust me it will be bull [bleep].
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(laughter) no way that can't be. it can't be that easy. all right. roll one. >> you compare obama's iran deal to neville chamberlain appeasing hitler in mune anything 1938. really? >> yes. >> larry: that is bull [bleep]. jon was right. okay. so you are going to open with linking obama to hitler, that's how you are opening it. billy joel doesn't open with "piano man" did i just link piano man to hitler? sorry, billy joel. all right, but maybe it got better from there. what else did cheney have to say. >> we did a lot to limit nuclear proliferation in the region when you interest mr. opinions but the centrifuges went from 0 to 5,000. >> they may well but that happened on obama watch, not on ours. >> no, no, no, by 2005 they were at 5,000 -- >> no, no, no, no. no, not-- hold on a second,
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a few things here, number one, you just got caught in a lie, okay. number two, you didn't even act caught. you acted like we're in some sort of abusiveship where lying is to be expected, right. whatever, baby, you knew i lied when you started going with me. what? go get me some courvoisier. and number three, and probably the most important, if chris wallace hadn't called you out on it, you would have been happy for everybody to just swallow that poison pill, right? like it was-- a poison pill that even fox news choked on. well, whatever, it's just a lie. >> this is why it's hard to have an intelligent conversation with this impersonator of a human being. mr. cheney, it is one thing
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to not have a pulse any more. but to not have a conscience is unconscionable. i mean guys, he's just like some creature who just makes [bleep] up. and look, i know it sounds like i'm picking on dick cheney, i know, actually i have to admit, some of this is my fault. no, no no. i created dick cheney. all right, or more precisely, i summoned him. i know. i know, i know it sounds crazy. guys, guys, okay. this is a story i never told anybody. and please don't tell anybody this is just between us, america, okay. all right so, i was like nine areas old at the time and i was on a-- i was on a hike in the woods and i kind of got separated from a scout troop. and that's when i met the talking dog that i found out later was a shape shifting witch. but that's besides the point, really. but anyway, the dog lead me to an ancient cave. and then he had me repeat a
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spell in a language i didn't understand, okay. but in my defense, the dog was very persuasive. yeah. >> summoned the dark lord from the ether an will you get lots of toys for christmas. >> right? >> if you have ever been in that situation, you know the rest. the fiery hell, the demon materializes, the talking dog rewards me with the kick ass christmas and eventually he becomes vice president, invasion of iraq, blame obama, wa, wa, wa, so sorry about that, my bad, all right. whooo, got that off my chest, man. that's great. >> just emotional from the catharsis, so i apologize for that okay. all right so, dick cheney expects us to believe his predictions about the iran deal when predictions are something he is just not that good at. >> simply stated, there is
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no doubt that saddam hussein now has weapons of mass destruction. >> larry: no doubt. >> well, if i could quote no doubt, don't speech. >> and it's not even just politics, dick cheney has made horrible predictions about all kinds of stuff. let's look at a few you probably aren't even aware of. >> i predict bruce jenner will never, ever be a woman. >> larry: wrong! wrong. (applause) it's waerd. kind of weird he would weigh in on that during the '70s. so i think we're all agreed he gets a lot of [bleep] wrong. actually, i need to clarify. there is just one brief moment when dick cheney got something write. in the '90s, he support the decision not to invade baghdad. >> once you got to iraq and took it over, took down saddam hussein's government,
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then what are you going to put in its place, that's a very volatile part of the world and if you take down the central government in iraq you can easily end up seeing peace with iraq fly off. it's a quagmire. >> larry: yes, that's right, my [bleep]. you predicted the very thing that you ended up doing. is you knew it was wrong. you knew how it would end up. and you did it anyway. you never apologized for it you never admitted your mistake and then you just drop little lie bombs and you try to make the brother clean up your mess. you are living in an extreme cognitive disonence that not even bill belichick would recognize. i did not conjure up bill belichick, you guys. all right. now let's get back to obama's iran deal. yes, complex, yeah, just a lot of bad choices. here's former secretary of state hillary clinton's assessment. >> without a deal, iran's breakout time, how long they need to produce enough material for a nuclear weapon would slink to a
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couple of months. -- shrink to a couple of months, with a deal that breakout time stretches to a year. >> larry: and that's someone trying to make the case for it. right? listen, i don't love this deal either. but often you have to make deals with people you don't trust when the stakes are so high. sometimes it avoids nuclear war like the salt treaties of the soviet. sometimes it gets you a kick ass bike for christmas like my deal with the witch. again, america, i'm sorry. but here's what up sets me about cheney. i can't believe anything he says when he makes predictions, they're wrong. not to mention he keeps predicting obama will lead us into disaster when one of our biggest disasters happened on his administration's watch. (applause) okay. well i mean his and vice president bush's, so-- so
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yes-- (applause) so yes, i do have questions about the iran deal, we all doment but i tell you one thing, if cheney's against it, i'm for it. we'll be right back. ♪ all of our legendary racing heritage. all of our pioneering four wheel drive experience. come together in one amazing new vehicle. this is the all-new gle coupe. a mercedes-benz suv with the heart and soul of a race car.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. now there are many afflictions that people deal with these days. and tonight our own nightly show contribute ericky velez scheduled some insight into one that he deals with daley. let's take a trip to ricky's world. a doctor says i have anxiety, if you don't know what anxiety is, it is a white people disease i got from my rich girlfriend when she sneezed on me, that is how you get it she was like achoo, and i was like i'm nervous about everything. then the doctor wants to put me on pills. put me on pills. i'm not taking pills for a
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disease that doesn't exist from the hood. i come from the hood there is no anxiety in the hood. there is no gangbanger in the hood going i can't do a drive-by, too many dudes in the car, i feel like the world is caving in. it's not a thing. people are loaded up with pills because they have social anxiety, you don't have social anxiety, you just hate to wait in line at starbucks. you know what gives me anxiety, the subway. i hate the [bleep] subway. it's the worst thing in the world. last time i'm on the subway i'm holding the pole, another dude holding the pole, seems like a normal day of pole holding going down, no he is a weirdo, puts his finger in my pocket. now i'm on the train with a figure never my pocket that somewhat is happening. what do you do as a man. you got to fight him. you don't fight him other dudes are going to put fingers in your pockets. not me, i have anxiety, i just turned to him and said no thank you. that's all i said. like you caught me on the wrong day. like it was tuesday i would have been [bleep] sure, let's hang out. so instead of taking pills, i just don't take the
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subway. also, i smoke a lot of pot. >> welcome to my world. i'm ricky velez. (cheers and applause) >> larry: thanks, ricky, >> larry: thanks, ricky, we'll be right back.
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>> larry: hey, welcome back. we have comedian and nightly show executive producer rory albanese, nightly show contributor mike yard. (applause) and former nfl player and one of the best fullbacks of all time tony richardson. (applause) football season started tonight. steelers against the cheaters-- the patriots. >> right, right. >> are you not the first, you said it right. you said it right. >> larry: i love you guys new england, nothing against new england, really. i don't hate the patriots. i hate the celtics, but i
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don't hate the patriot, i really don't. the patriots are good, they're just cheaters. >> it's known. >> larry: with all the scandals, they had all those scandals last year and all this stuff about concussions, does it seem like americans are still waiting for football or is football waning or people just don't care. >> i think more people are going to watch tonight than possibly ever before. i'm excited about football. i think everyone is really going to tune in tonight. >> because as americans we love that scandal, right. >> no doubt. >> millions of people turn out to watch mark maguire and sammy sosa do a home run and they knew they were using stuff. >> i still don't believe they were doped up, i'm sorry. >> they say baseball. >> they really did. >> you know how many argue with me and say they don't care baseball players are on steroids, they don't give a [bleep] as long as the game is exciting. that saul they care about. and football is exciting. >> i don't know. >> football players aren't on steroids, i can attest to, no steroids in football, we're clean. >> but guys cheat. >> there is no greenies and
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purples. >> that is in baseball. >> we get drug tested all the time. >> it's not just the concussion-- concussions. >> to me, i fell off it, i love football and i played fantasy every area, i also love fantasy. to the just fantasy football. but i love like wizards and stuff. but. >> talking witch dogs. >> whatever. i like paladins. >> don't give me a wedgie just yets than. >> that is why i'm on this stuff. >> stuff me in a locker. >> you are a big if the ballplayer. >> for with through me was the ray rice video tape that they hid. there is one thing about concussions and the violence and tom brady being a complete cheater but the whole thing about the-- that video tape, like that makes the league to me pretty disgusting and -- >> the thing about that, i don't think domestic violence is nfl problem, it is a societal problem and that actually was shown and
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ray rice paid the penalty for that. but that is something we need to address across-the-board. >> absolutely. >> in some ways, i mean in some ways football really is more of a reflection of american culture. >> it really is. >> it's brutal and it's fun. and -- >> do you watch football. >> ugly things like that happen that we kind of brush aside. but do you think we take the concussion thing seriously enough. >> we should. for me ations long as i played in the nfl and looking back on my ca year-- career, i do believe there were times i probably shouldn't have went back in the game whether by choice. >> really if. >> definitely. >> larry: where you wanted to go back in. >> a combination of both. i don't think there was enough information when i first came into the league in 49ee that said hey, tony there is going to be long-term effects. i knew there would be aches and pains an things of that nature. but when you talk about the brain an as much as you are learning i would have handled differently. >> i love to say there wasn't enough information. in football head kos lied against each other, like we didn't-- did we really need the surgeon general to tell
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us cigarettes are bad, smoke is going into the lungs. >> yes. >> larry: it's like oh, surgeon general, you have to be kidding me, that's not good for me. >> i agree. i agree. (applause) >> larry: when we bang our heads together,-- a false sense of security because you have helmets with padding and everybody is like oh, he's good. >> don't the helmets now make it like you hit harder because you have more protection, like you are going at it -- when i say you guys like us guys go at it. i mean not these guys. >> we definitely do a lot of research on the helmets but as far as the knowledge i didn't have, because before as a fullback i would run in and sometimes come out and see stars, okay, you're fine, get back in, those stars were probably a concussion. >> probably. >> but i'm saying now -- >> in my mind, i'm like, you know, it's a sensitive somebody. i'm in the laying out on the feel, i'm not able to
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remember what happened and you know, two quarters before that, right, seeing stars, okay, i can deal with that i put myself back if the game. where now there is a protocol if you see one of your teammates and he's struggling or can't quite get to your feet, automatically you call for a referee or send to the foul line because are you protecting your brother. >> larry: let's keep it a hundred. in some cases, people get hit so hard you can actually see their stars. >> to doubt, exactly. >> larry: right. >> i can seeing stars is not normal. >> yeah. >> you ago like that was some regular stuff, you know what i mean. >> just a couple of stars,. >> just a little brain, inside of my skull. >> from agreeing up and to me it is the biggest thing when you got the win knocked out of you. it didn't seem like concussion was such a big deal. maybe they were an pain we just weren't paying attention but to you you have players, chris on the 49ers. >> 49ers. >> he retired at age 24.
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i mean what do you think of something like that. >> i think it is funny that you can use the word retired and 24 in the same sentence. >> only professional sports because sports always make you feel so old like when you watch them. you played for a long time but when i watch sports now, like 32-year-old, can you believe his knees work. and i'm like what dow mean. >> i'm going to die. >> you know what i mean, so just imagine as a player, a runningback, when i hit 30, going downhill. >> yeah, so something you have to deal with. >> i'm not mad, listen, these teams can cut you whenever they want to. they don't got to give you no notice. we don't need you any more. so i'm not mad at a brother that went in and got a thousand dollars and got out of here. i'm not mad, why are you so angry. more power to you, go ahead, get that money. >> how much money. >> it wasn't about the money. i just think he-- chris bolen it wasn't about the money, i saw this special on espn. it was more so, there was so
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much information out there, he took the information, he said you know what i'm not putting my body through it, i will do something else for the rest of my life. >> extraordinary. >> he stood to make a lot of money. >> definitely, for sure. >> larry: he had a great rookie year. >> he really did. >> i don't know if i could have done that, could you have done that. >> hell no! >> let me tell you something, the reason i -- play footballing i don't like getting hit and they hit in football. i'm not a fan of getting hit. >> i actually liked it. that's what i liked. >> that's where we differ. >> larry: let's leave it a hundred. how old is your son. >> he's 20 now. >> larry: when he was younger if he wanted to play if the ball would you have let him? >> only if he was a 300 pound lineman because they don't get hit, they just push. >> larry: rory? >> i mean i don't have kids but coy tell you that they're going to be star athletes, you foe what i mean. so any problem playing football. >> i don't think i would let my kid play football just for the reality of like the long-term effects on their bodies and stuff. but i don't know. like i said, i don't have kids. so maybe, if they come out
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like really awesome. >> larry: so 17 years. >> 17 year, great career, would you let -- >> if i had a son i would definitely let him play football am i think now there is enough information, there are ways in i w see at el seahawks, they do a great job, they have put together a coaching real on how to properly tackle because sometimes you know, the head collisions, guys are ducking their heads and things of that nature. if i had a son properly trained i would let him play football. >> larry: i only wish the seahawks with put out a video of how to run-- in the super bowl. >> i agree. >> i agree. >> larry: we'll be right ♪ all of our legendary racing heritage. >> i agree. >> larry: we'll be right
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all of our pioneering four wheel drive experience. come together in one amazing new vehicle. this is the all-new gle coupe. a mercedes-benz suv with the heart and soul of a race car. what you're doing now, janice. blogging. your blog is just pictures of you in the mirror. it's called a fashion blog, todd. well, i've been helping people save money with progressive's discounts. flo, can you get janice a job? [ laughs ] you should've stuck to softball! i was so much better at softball than janice, dad. where's your wife, todd? vacation. discounts like homeowners', multi-policy -- i got a discount on this ham. i've got the meat sweats.
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this is good ham, diane. paperless discounts -- give it a rest, flo. all: yeah, flo, give it a rest.
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get rto be obsessed. sweetarts soft and chewy ropes. with no artificial flavors or colors. new from sweetarts. wanna get roped in? are stacked with bacon, sweet these 100bourbon sauce,, and apparently my mom's fave, spicy sriracha sauce. eat it, don't tweet it mom. denny's big burger bash, with burgers starting at $6.99
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>> that's hour show, want to thank our panelist, rory albanese, mike yard and tony richardson, thanks also to ricky velez. good nightly, everyone. (applause)

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