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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  September 14, 2015 5:46pm-6:19pm PDT

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right? by taxicabs. and tom brady and the patriots still cheaters. bam! ( cheers and applause ) bam! but our top story is the kentucky county clerk who has a little bit of an issue with doing her job which entails giving out marriage licenses to the gays. >> why are you not issuing marriage licenses today? >> under whose authority are you not issuing licenses? >> under god's authority. >> larry: pardon me. i thought you were going to say the sports authority. ( laughter ) the camping department won't let you get married. they just think you're going to ruin all their camping equipment. okay, so she stood her ground, the judge put her in jail, and she sent out her lawyer to let us know her demands. >> number one, she has no intention to resign. she will continue to serve the people of rowan county as she has done for so many years. and number to, she will never violate her conscience and never
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betray her god. >> larry: okay, that is a serious number two. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you need to sit for a long time to come up with the somebody-- whatever works for you, kim davis. anything else we can do to help your interpretation of how our society functions? good lord, since when do federal employees get to renegotiate the conditions of their employment? right? i mean, like her job has to match her view of the world in order for her to work. you're not taylor swift. you don't get to make a video set in africa with no africans in it. all right? but she's got a lot of support and people are calling her brave because she's speaking her mind. ( laughter ) she's speak her mind. un, but if speaking her mind hurts other people, that's not brave. that's ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) here's what i want to know.
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why is speaking your mind a quality admired and rewarded above all others right now? doesn't it seem like that? i mean it, doesn't matter that donald trump called mexicans racists. he was speaking his mind. i'm voting for him. he's speaking his mind. i can't let those gays get married because of my beliefs. we don't care about your beliefs. the whole point of having a government job is not to give a damn. that's whole point. ( applause ) anyway, today she was let out of jail. now, here's the thing. you would think after a shameful incident like this she would kind of quietly walk out the back door, go home, and contemplate what jesus actually cared about-- multiplying fish, raising people from the dead, turning water into wine, and also loving thigh neighbor as thyself. but remember, we're in kentucky. ( applause ) we are in kentucky, and it's an election year. so instead of coming out
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quietly, she fulfilled the scriptures by exiting jail thusly. >> i believe that her act is going to wake up the politicians, the pastors, and the people. would you please help me welcome to the stage, kim davis. ( "eye of the tiger" playing ). >> booo! >> larry: is mike huckabee playing "eye of the tiger"? you've got to ( bleep ) be kidding me. that's right, this county crerk came out of jail to a crowd full of supporters waving crosses to the theme from "rocky." and not the original "rocky," but "rocky 3". ( laughter ) i don't know about you guys, but when i see a group of people in the south with white crosses, cheering to not allow people their constitutional rights, it kind of just gives me a tingly,
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lynch-y feeling. ( applause ) the guy covered his face "oh, no! he said 'lynch-y'." what did she have to say? >> i just want to give god the glory. his people have rallied and you are a strong people! >> larry: okay, um, i love your passion, but be careful with the nazi arm. ( applause ) just sayin'. but as far as fox news is concerned, it is always the season to make a horrible comparison. >> you know, martin luther ling jr. said whenever man's laws conflict with god's moral law, we have to obey god's moral law. but that belief landed dr. king in a birmingham jail, just as it landed kim davis?
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in a kentucky jail. >> boo! >> larry: ( bleep ) you know you've never quoted dr. king in your life. ( cheers and applause ) right? come on. yes, i know it's a generalization, but you know i'm right. so let me see if i've got this right. a lady forcing her religious beliefs on to an entire community refusing to do her job reminds you of king's. i haven't seen someone miss the point so dramatically since they made robert de niro the intern in "the intern." it doesn't make sense. and just to clarify for the kim davis supporters who think this lady is a dr. king. in his letter from birmingham city jail, king actually condemned the contecherary churches and said far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is
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consoled by the church's silence and often even vocal sanction of things as they are." martin luther king was actually in opposition of the church's unwillingness to support the oppress. kim davis is using her position to oppress people even more. ( applause ) going to jail, going to jail for what you believe in does not necessarily put you on par with martin luther king. jeffrey dahmer was in jail because he believes in eating people. that doesn't make him a freedom fighter. ( applause ) and, frankly, if you're going to compare kim davis to someone from the 1960s civil rights movement, it should be this guy. that's right. that's right. alabama governor and dippity-do poster boy george wallace. who famously stood in the door way of the university of alabama in defiance of the supreme court order to desegregation gait. >> i sand here today as governor of this sovereign state and refuse to wittingly submit to the illegal use of power of the
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central government. >> larry: that's what kim davis sounds like, less like "letters from a birmingham jail," and more like words from an alabama bigon the, recent. right now, at&t is giving you 50 percent more data. that's 15 gigs of data for the price of 10. and get 300 dollars credit for every line you switch to at&t.
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( cheers and applause ). >> larry: welcome back. labor day isn't just the unofficial end to the summer. it's also the unofficial kickoff to the presidential campaign season. so let's see what's happening with the unblackenin'. ♪ ♪ okay, the latest polls are showing that donald trump is beating hillary in a theoretical head-to-head match-up.
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so if company can idiot talk his way to the top of the polls, what in the world has been dragging hillary down? >> more bad news for hillary clinton in this e-mail scandal. >> the f.b.i. investigators-- >> her private e-mail server. >> the e-mail scandal. >> the e-mail investigation. >> larry: there have to be some pretty horrible things in those e-mails, right? i mean, what's she been hiding? was she the only woman on ashley madison? maybe? i don't know. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we don't know. it's possible. oh, now this, too. a few of hillary's e-mails were just released. let's attack a look. better yet, let's take a listen. we've recreated some of the hillary's e-mails in audio format. in a new segment we're called, "hillary clinton, audio e-mail theater." ♪ ♪ very nice. now, remember, these are the real e-mails. we just thed the voices. >> to an aide, "please call
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sarah and ask her if she can get me some iced tea. of the. >> larry: so you couldn't just call the aide and ask for an iced tea? hillary, you're so relatable. i'm always emailing aides to ask aides for my drinks. "guys!" my staff hates me. or so i've been told. is there any e-mail that has anything to do with security or anythings related to being secretary of state. >> september 18, 2011, from aide. subject, pack tan troops battle taliban for u.s. drone debris. i like the idea of these. high how are they? what would the bench be made of? and i prefer two shelves or attractive poxes or baskets or containers on one. what do you think? >> did you mean to send to me? >> no, sorry.
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( laughter ) ( applause ). >> larry: hey, looks-- looks like somebody at pottery barn got a pretty confusing e-mail about drones. you know what, this really-- it seems like a problem that could have been avoided just by simply following the rules. i can't understand why it was so hard to do that. to find out more about this let's schat with our good friend and clinton aid carlos jordanson over at hillary headquarters. >> great to be here, larry. >> larry: carlos what, does your campaign have to say in response to the latest batch of e-mails released recently by the state department? >> i think it's a great time to show the american voters just how relatable hillary clinton is. un? we all make goof-ups, and sometimes all you can do it laugh at yourself and move on. so human! >> larry: yeah, but-- >> yeah. >> larry: officially handing
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over classified documents isn't just a little goof-up. i feel like hillary isn't taking this seriously yet. the f.b.i. is investigating her. >> f.b.i., more like t.m.i. about those e-mails, am i right? >> larry: no, you're wrong. ( laughter ) it's not too much information. it's the opposite. it was handled the wrong way. i think she's dancing around the issue. >> larry, speaking of dancing, wait till you see her on "ellen" on thursday. she's going to be like -- >> would you stop dancing, please! we need to stay on topic and get to the bottom of hillary clinton and these e-mails. why won't you talk about this? >> because it's not important anymore, larry. that's all in the past. i want to talk about hillary 4.0, the new-new-new version of the same person voters have repeatedly said they do not like. we're re-re-reintroducing her to the american public starting
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today. this hillary clinton will really connect with people as the human grandma and folksy folks person. >> larry: folksy folks person. doesn't she care this is still hanging over her? >> sorry, larry goi to the jet. i gotap e-mail from a guy from a three-star general who got a message on facebook who got a mostly legal e-mail from hillary clinton who said she wanted to make herself a kale smoothie. and that's notice myjob. classic hillary 4.0. >> larry: carlos jordanson, >> larry: carlos jordanson, this football season we get anything we want. any toppings, any specialty, any large pizza hut pizza, for just 10 bucks.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. a very funny comedian, kerry coddett. always hilarious comedian, matteo lane. and "nightly show" contributor mike yard. ( cheers and applause ) okay, let's get to it. aise mentioned early ekim davis, the kentucky county clerk was sent to jail for refusing marriage licenses for gay couples based on her religious beliefs-- speaking her mind, right. going against federal law. here's the thing-- if your religion says you can't do a job, shouldn't you just not do that job? >> yeah. >> it makes sense to me. ( applause ) that makes sense to me. i don't-- i don't mess with
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porks, i would not apply for a job at eddie's pork on queen's boulevard basis there might be pork in there. >> larry: you couldn't try to shut eddie's down. >> i wouldn't try to shut eddie's down. sell your pork, i'm just not participating. >> you can't work for the government and say, "sorry, my sky daddy wouldn't like it." >> sky daddy! gli don't think i've ever heard that. >> my imaginary sky daddy says he wouldn't like it. "i want to get married, lady." it's a mess. >> larry: i'm inferring that you are an atheist if you use the term "sky daddy." >> guilty. i'm not-- i'm not an atheist but every religion in the world is like, "we don't like you." all right, well, i guess i'll just go to the olive garden for my religion. i don't know. i have no idea. >> larry: >> larry: what do you think? do you think this is really an antireligious thing or anti-guy
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gey thing? >> i think it's both. >> i think it's good, old-fashioned american bigotry. that's all it is, larry. >> larry: which one do you think it is? because-- do you think it's someone who is afraid of eternal damnation or someone who just doesn't like gays? where does this feeling come from? it is almost the last big bigotry ball that seems to be busted down, it seems like. >> i think it's basically people that don't like gay people and are using religion as a reason to, you know, discriminate against gay people. ( applause ) if we really think about it, it distribute make any sense. you don't want these people to get married because god tells you that-- the law says-- there's separation of church and state in america. you can't. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: i think she thinks when it's time time to go to heaven her sky daddy is going to say-- "i see here, did you sign a marriage license?"
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>> i just don't-- i grew up catholic. >> larry: so did i. >> but i don't know. it's really hard for me to believe that someone wearing a dress can tell me that he's antigay. am i wrong? >> larry: are you talking about the pope? >> yes, the pope, the pope, the cardinals and the priests, and they're misoj nuft. and women anti-do anything, and gays can't do anything, and they sing to us. we all know you're gay. >> larry: sky daddy likes singing. >> i think it's more anti-day. >> larry: really. >> and i think people-- i think they're just scared they might be gay deep down. i think they're scierd they might try it and like it. for real. i don't do coke, not because i don't like coke but i think if i try coke, i might have a real, live coke problem. you know what i'm saying? like, you know, they might not be-- they might not trust themselves to be alone in a room
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with it. >> i think kim davis might-- i agree. people who don't like gay people are always-- like kim davis, i'm not saying she's a lesbian, but i feel like she could fit a 2 x4 in her purse. >> and let me say this, she went on tv, she knew there were going to be cameras, she was going to be televised. she didn't think once to comb her hair? once to put on makeup? >> larry: some would argue that's the opposite of gay. >> she is a lesbian. >> it just makes no sense to me, man. why are you so angry about what other people do? how does that affect you? >> larry: well, mike huckabee says eye love how people jump on this. he said you only have to follow the law if the law is right. are we going to leave it up to everybody to just decide-- that's ( bleep ) wesley snipes-- >> that's what i'm saying. exactly. >> i don't believe in taxes.
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taxes aren't right. all right, you're going to wind up in jail. >> i have a long list of ( bleep ) that i don't want to do anything g.m. alternate side of the street parking? i don't think it's right. ( cheers and applause ) i don't like getting up at 7:00 to move my car and when i get out at 11:00, the street's still dirty. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> larry: the point is-- i also think we have several sets of rules in this, you know. because it's christian, i think a lot of people got behind it. let's be honest, guys, if this was a muslim lady, and she said, "as far as sharia law goes--" >> but at least she'd have her hair covered. >> larry: but i don't think hug bee would have his arm around her saying, "we need to support sharia law." >> i would love to see mike huckabee in a press conference with a woman with a berka on standing next to him going she
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will not offend the lars of mohammed. that would be the day to see mike huckabee defend sharia law. >> mike huckabee looks like a wrinkled thumb. i've had enough of-- i'm just mad. you want to know why? >> larry: i know, go. >> because my whole life i've grown up and everyone is like, "you're going to hell. you're bad. you're wrong. god says so. religion says so. politicians say so." finally america is saying that isn't right, and this woman should go to jail. so i'm enjoying it. ( laughter ) that's it. that's it. >> larry: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) let your camry show you that your driveway isn't just connected to your street but to the ends of the earth. from coastal highways to roller-coaster hills to the street that changed music forever.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panelist, kerry coddett, matteo lane,
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carlos jordanson, mike yard, and welcome back stephen colbert. good nightly, everyone. ( cheers and applause ) archer: because this is what was there, lana! there where? outside a clown college? they have those here? i don't know! archer, look out! ugh! we'll never catch him in this thing. maybe you should've thought about that before you blew the damn drop. i blew jack [bleep]! name dropper. and if you weren't so busy trying to bang that waitress... would've noticed that odin had agents in play. she was the hostess! if you weren't blinded by jealousy. okay, yes, i'm jealous.
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first step's admitting it. jealous that odin's gonna beat us again... ...thanks to your epic poonhoundery. first of all, lana -- arretêz-vous! arretz-vous! [ tires screeching ] - [ chuckles ] - great. good job. shut up! odin doesn't beat sterling archer. only sterling archer beats -- [ tires screech ] did you want to finish that thought? did you want to finish shutting your big, fat, negative, wordsy mouth? whose fat mouth told the stupid waitress he was an isis agent? hostess! and i had a plan. what? to get laid in the walk-in? also, because i'm not an ant, lana... [ tires screech ] ...i happen to see the big picture. oh, really? well, then, where's... [ tires screech ] ...kasparov? okay, that was a fluke. yeah, a fluke of nature because i happen to have - perfect situational awareness, lana... - archer. - which cannot be taught, by the way - archer. - like a poet's mind for... - archer. - archer! - make the perfect word. - archer! - god damn it! i'm relishing --


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