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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 23, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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>> chris: it's 10:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on imgur today. normally when you see pictures of an argentinian driving narnd a fiat it involves nine soccers players smushing their schlongs against the window at a stoplight, but not this time because today mr. pope went to washington. here he is, surrounded by the pope-arazzi, i guess. i don't know. >> now, i think it is really coop pope francis is such a regular dude but if he wants to connect with average americans he can't be sputtering around town like that. what is a more american way for the pope to to travel around the land of the free land of the free and the home of the baconator. >> he is going to ride up on a buffalo and shoot it in the head on ted nugent's porch. >> chris: all right. yeah. >> sara schaefer, go a sleigh pulled by bald eagles. >> chris: yes he could be our
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next president. ron funches. >> it depends on the part of the country, chris, if you are in the mid, midwest you may want to ride a harley made out of boobs. but if you are on the coast, i recommend a vape cycle. >> chris: yes in is america and time to start captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i am chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are performing at the warner theatre in washington, d.c., october 3rd, an all-star comedy wbenefit for,. >> jesse: is here! >> jesse joyce is here! >> this is a good benefit that you are doing, it was started by the families of greg geraldo, two comics we love, lost to addiction and it is nice their families organized this. >> yes, he was a buddy of mine for years and years and used to do the road and everything with him, and i have been not drunk
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for a decade now, hey. >> chris: hey, nice! nice! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: just getting a little booze? >> yeah, i had two more years of waking up on the floor of hotel lobbies than you did so -- right behind it. >> chris: performing at the punch line in sacramento october 18th, it's sara schaefer! [ cheers and applause ] >> welcome, sara schaefer. >> thank you. >> chris: wonderful to see you. and of course from "undateable", season 3 returning live to nbc october 9th and here all week as part ofmt bunches of funches, is ron funches! [ cheers and applause ] >> that's a beautiful thing. >> chris: that is the funches of flowers right there. thank you for coming back, ron funches, it's good to see you again, let's begin the program, ripped from today's internet
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headlines, it's rapid refresh! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: if, scavenging vermins and pizza rat who carried a slice of pizza down the subway steps and made the literally the internet cry out, that is literally meh. but now there is a new rodent in town and behold, it's milkshake squirrel! >> oh, yeah. okay. shut up, shut up. just shut up. shut up. i thought i was a pizza rat but maybe i am totally a milkshake squirrel. maybe i am meat status manatee, or a falafel parrot, i don't know, i am just shame eating all the time. comedians what will the next
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viral food animal be, sara schaefer. >> tic tac orca whale. >> chris: that would be so frustrating for an orca. >> it is so cute. >> chris: all right. the stage work you were doing made it look like i was getting a blow job from an old lady. >> 100 points to sara schaefer. ron funches. >> rigatoni ron funches that is just me tossed out of a dumpster of a macaroni grill. [ applause ] >> chris: are you saying like you haven't done that before? >> i am just saying i am not sober like you guys. >> chris: all right. moving on. according to some conspiracy
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theologies, this saturday's lunar eclipse will kick off a great event. shoe sail at nordstroms? close. the apocalypse. apparently, let's take it from urban baxter, take it away, the teachings say that when four consecutive blood moons fall on jewish feast days a major event affecting the jewish people will occur. obviously, this time lies just ahead. >> chris: i mean this guy looks like he knows his (bleep). >> how would 0 you not trust a post apocalyptic weatherman with gout? >> chris: points to jesse joyce for that. >> chris: it kind of looks like he is auditioning to be the fifth blood moon. comedians wha what are the thins you will be doing to celebrate the fourth blood moon? i will do what i do every blood moon is
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going to the cemetery and try to recreate michael jackson's thriller. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris:. >> chris: sara schaefer. >> i am just going to lay low, kill a couple of my friends and then myself. >> chris: all right. points. >> this blood moon i am going to turn into amen straying werewolf. >> chris: oh, good. i am bloating! oh! it could be read -- when you are eaten by a vampire. >> what? >> what? i don't know if you are aware of this but tampons are -- for vampires. the didn't you know that? >> great.
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>> that's the end of rapid refresh. now time for tonight's hashtag wars! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: tonight we are taking the internet back to its roots with a hashtag war that is all about cats. that's right, dogs, get out of town! all aboard the dog train. >> chris: short on the brake, everyone knows that goes into your asshole. >> doggy centipede. >> chris: yes, doggy centipede. you know i have to give sara schaefer 100 points for doggy centipede. >> the most adorable centipede. but for our feline friends and fans tonight, tonight's hashtag is #cathistory, #cathistory. examples might be roe vs.
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spayed, or i can haz gettysburger or vietnom nom nom. 60-seconds on the clock and begin, sara. >> the bombing of paw harbor. >> pints. jesse. >> hiroshiba and sock drawer. >> chris: ron funches. >> the invention of the laser pointer. >> chris: points. >> yomkapur. >> chris: good. jesse. >> mr. gorbachev, tear up this couch. >> chris: sara. >> the meow heard around the world. >> chris: points. ron. >> -- >> chris: ron. >> fourscore and seven years ago. [sound effects] >> chris: oh, my gosh. enjoy your brand-new meme.
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points for ron. that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your hashtags #cathistory and send them to @midnight to keep the game going. going. out tweet of the day from last going. out tweet of the day from last wendy's asked this pitmaster to share his secret barbecue sauce recipe. he did not. but he did give us this... your sauce should be a little smoky, a little spicy and a little sweet.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play stars! they are just like us. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: they are not. our friends at photoshop contest site worth 1,000 recently posed the question, what if celebs had day jobs and the answers were delightful like this one for example, that'suj eminem losing himself in the eighth aisle while picking up some slim savings at the superstore. i think they are not photo stopped and maybe this is deep method research for a movie they are working on. so comedians i am going to show you an image of a celeb in a regular joe job and for 250 points you have to give me a line from the trailer for this upcoming film. >> jesse. >> ben affleck is rivetting, i don't mean good, i mean he
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attaches bolts to a septic tank. >> chris: points for that. >> chris: ron. >> this summer ben affleck in the role he is actually qualified to play. >> chris: points. >> chris: next one. this king of the world! ron. >> this summer, who is seeding, who is eating gilbert grape? >> chris: that is fantastic. sara. >> leonardo, leonardo dicaprio delivers pizza in the dream i have every night. >> chris: points. next one. this officizzle. sara schaefer. >> murder was the case, he was solving. >> you don't know the lyrics?
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>> chris: points. >> of the most famous -- >> chris: ron. >> you heard of an undercover cop, this summer, undercover drug dealer. >> chris: yes! next one. this gorgeous 0 mop squeezer. sara. >> george clooney, unclothed, the luckiest toilets in the world. waaah! >> chris: points for doing the waah. >> yes. i want everybody to know what i am doing. >> chris: jesse. >> if you thought the floors were wet before -- [ applause ] >> chris: next one. this uncivil servant. >> ron funches. >> this summer, gary busey is the oldest make a wish kid.
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>> chris: points. >> starring gary busey in the first time he has ever worn a helmet. >> chris: yes. points. it's a fact, look it up. last one, this shafted working man. ron funches. >> white paradise, black nightmare. >> chris: points. that's the end of stars, they are just like us, time for our next live challenge, wicked fishah' you know maybe we have been too hard on the people of boston on this show. we have occasionally implied that they are nothing more than a collection of miller high life soaked scream heaps who spend
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90 percent of their time loudly fighting with their cousins while they sober up inside a dunkin' donuts. so to dispel that stereotype here's a video of some inquisitive bostonians interacting with nature. >> it's a baby (bleep)ing whale, man. holy (bleep), we are witness ago baby whale right here, dude. oh, my god what the whreap is that? oh, my god that thing looks dead, man, we got to call the aquarium or something, dude. >> chris: first of all you don't need to call the aquarium. the aquarium isn't 911 for fish, like why -- and, aquarium, please hold. this is the aquarium, please hold. everything that guy speculated in the video is wrong, it is a sunfish acting normally, it is not a baby whale or injured fish or one of their trends who fell over. he lost some bros, have your
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mind blown by another amazing discovery, we will get your answers after the break when we come back to @midnight. eh? -these wings are pretty great, huh? -yeah. -what is that? -oh, it's a wing ring. what's a wing ring? i ask it what kind of wings i should have, and it tells me. today it said honey bbq. i wanna ask it a question. oh, you know what? i got like 2% battery on this thing. -come on, let me just-- -yeah, i wish i could. you have battery in a ring? yeah, it's like eight gigs. that's two different things. one is memory, one's battery life. cool. all i know is, like, no, you can't use it. good luck choosing. 100% all white meat boneless chicken wings in six delicious flavors. they're buy one, get one free every monday night. (clicks) hey, wha okay, that it? that'll do it. excuse me. hey, man. huge fan, man. oh, thank you. all the touchdowns... and the wins... and the passes. yeah, you know, i don't like to dwell in the past.
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but thank you. [ cell phone ringtone ] aikman, touchdown! unbelievable! aikman, touchdown! unbelievable! aikman, touchdown! unbeliev- (ends abruptly) i dwell in the past. i would, too. i don't blame you. okay. as long as you are you, it's miller time. old spice bearglove is the bow!! bearglove! oops. swagger. left twix® is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. >>right twix has the same thing. they have packing tape like that over at right twix? try both. pick a side. twix scott dans♪aw was never afraid of a good dare. or even a double dare. a dare made him a legend at brunner valley high.
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what are your goals foi like to...n? no. not you. papa? we have this great kick-off special we're excited about. any big adjustments for the season? well there's this... no. papa? just our kick-off special. (in chinese): question for papa. does peyton ever stop talking? peyton (in chinese): papa doesn't even speak chinese. up your game with our kick-off special get any large two-topping pizza for just ten dollars add a double chocolate chip brownie for just six dollars more. better ingredients. better pizza. better football. at the new the drought is affecting at pg&e we've definitely put a focus on helping our agricultural customers through the drought. when they do an energy efficiency project and save that money they feel it right in their pocket book.
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it's exciting to help a customer with an energy efficiency project because not only are they saving energy but they are saving water. we have a lot of projects at pg&e that can help them with that and that's extremely important while we're in a drought. it's a win for the customer and it's a win for california. together, we're building a better california. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a video of some boston bros who were blown away by a giant fish
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and asked you what else they were amazed by, let's see what you came up with, sara schaefer. >> holy (bleep), bro, we have been using this on a -- without thinking how it affects the group that has been unfortunately moderated by society. let's be more tolerant going forward. anyway, let's go back to calling women sluts. >> chris: jesse joyce. >> yo, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, this cat's tongue is like (bleep)ing sandpaperrer, kid, bring me that jazz peanut butter so i can slather it on my clock. >> chris: all right. ron funches. >> hey, bro, oh, my (bleep) god, bro. oh, my (bleep)ing god. if you just asked for a water cup, you can totally fill it up with soda and there will be no moreness, they don't even know the (bleep)ing brothers, bro.
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>> chris: all right. i mean i feel like those dudes are saying that all the time anyway. 1,000 points to ron funches, 500 each to jesse and sara as we go to our next game, motor city mad men tell no tales. >> chris: earlier this week amateur yosemite sam impersonator ted nugent took a break from selling raccoon meat out of a trash can on the freeway to feet out a surprising admission. obama is a christian and i am a gay vegetarian pirate. wow, i am so glad he was finally able to come out like that. what a big day. and here i thought the eye patch was a ren difficult for the pinkeye he contracted eating the ass out of a state fair group by name debbie dumper out of a port-a-potty, i would like you
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to give me another surprising three word ted nugent level, like fat scandinavian bus driver ho. >> crappy guitar player. >> she a local samantha. >> chris: points. sara. >> filthy dick barnicle. >> chris: points. sara. >> raw sewage disaster. >> chris: points. ron funches. >> dub step dj. >> chris: jesse. >> sea generous ballet patron. >> chris: points. >> he is actually brilliant for a talking whale queef queef. >> queef. >> chris: jesse joyce. >> she actually a cracker barrel goblin. >> chris: po points. sara. >> palin's (bleep) voice. >> chris: oh, so good. that brings us to the end of motor city mad men tell no sales, sara schaefer i am so sorry you are in third place. >> that's okay, that's okay.
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you know, i am just not as tight at late night. >> chris: and now we must put you under a red light. red light! i am so sorry. you know what, wait a minute, wait a minute. you are right there are too many dudes in late night i am part of the problem, actually so i am going to undo your red height and take you to for the win! >> thank you! >> suck on that "vanity fair"! >> vanity unfair. yes, i am sorry. ron. >> when we get to the win, i want you to remind you about flavor aid. >> chris: i'm sorry. i want to apologize about that. ron! it is not my fault, it was 1,800 i was drunk and everybody was doing it. >> back in the day.
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you have way worse drunk stories than i do. (bleep). >> chris: all right. that means it ain't over till it's over. it's for the win! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: sad news, as baseball legend yogi berra passed away at the age of 90. yogi was a hall of fame catcher who also served in world war ii, but he became best known for his unintentionally hilarious quotes like, known as yogi-isms such as it's like deja vu all over again, a nickel ain't worth a dime anymore, and when you come to a fork in the road, take it fork in the road, take it, i would like you to come up with one of his less famous quotations. we will have our comedians' answers when we come back to @midnight.
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old spice bearglove is the bow!! bearglove! oops. swagger. kids, juicy fyeah.gum with starburst flavors? (mmm...) (mmm...) (zipper noise) (zipper noise) (baby rattle shaking) juicy fruit so sweet you can't help but chew.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ lunch? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. all right. i get to read the answers out lou and you guys get to decide the winner. before the break -- [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: ah. 0 i don't think anyone in the audience has ever appreciated that power beforehand. thank you forgiving a (bleep).
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all right. before the break we mentioned the passing of yogi berra the baseball hall of famer who was known for his unintentionally amusing quotations i asked you to come up with his the lesser-known quotes. the first one when you come to a knife in the road, run! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: number 2, i wonder what kid lou gehrig, probably hit in the head on ted nugent's first. or, wanted my one in the hole, two in the stink. number 3, who is number 3? ron funches has won yet again! he is two for three this week, which is amazing. we will name this week after him. we will see you tomorrow night when our guests will be chris d'elia, yassir lester and ron funches. until then keep the game going
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on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #cathistory and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. stay tuned for larry wilmore up next. good night! >> larry: tonightly, an ol man in a rope parades down the center of the street kissing babies and speaking in latinment oh, sure, but when i do it it's a public disturbance. that's right, the pope has finally arrived in the u.s. but he was held up at the airport when the tsa made everyone take off their shoes. there was just too much kissin to do. tomorrow he'll become the first ever pope to address a joint session of congress and the first observation to address congress in a row since grover cleveland's free-balling phase. this is the yes we captioning sponsored by comedy central


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