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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 24, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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because i'm off to washington with my running mate. [ cheers and applause ] [ engine turns over ] [ engine revs ] buckle up, buckaroo! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: it's 10:59 and 59 second this happened on matchable am we learned this we can that mohr people have been killed by selfies than sharks in 2015 with eye herd thening score of 12-8. they even provided this necessary graph for folks who have trouble wrapping their minds between the difference of 12 and 8. there it is, just in case you were confused. 12 is prj nally material than 8. it is more taller. compared to shark a tax death by selfiest is relatively painless. i would rather fall off a monument than be surprised ripped in half by 6 million-year-old underwater
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chainsaw dine sauferment he doesn't know what is coming. so he's-- day of retirement! oh no. (applause) so comedian, in light of this new information about selfies, the 21st century's lamest apex red ter, please give mow a tag line from the new jaws reboot where selfiests are the killing machine,eas irlester, let's go. >> a picture is worth three words, you're dead, loser. >> chris: perfect. chris d'elia. >> from the person who brought you duck faces of death. >> chris: oh, that's so good, chris d'elia, that as so got. ron funches. >> this summer, not only will you wake up like this, you'll die like this. >> chris: it's time to start aad hit night-- @midnight captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> chris: welcome to @midnight. howdy, i'm chris hardwick. tonight is "tag team thursday". (cheers and applause) tonight's company ed-- comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the twitter account, they and their partners will batt be winners of an imaginary time, host of "never wrong" on company dee central snapchat cha channel yassir lester. (applause) yassir, through our tag team randomizer it turns out you are playing for@calloflooty. from undatable, sea he soo sow premier october 9th and incorrigible on netflix, chris d'elia. (applause) why were you presenting on your lech turn. >> i they said somebody would be under hear but i guess not.
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>> chris: you are playing for@bacongolum. oh, natural 20! oh, i'm the only person who plays d & d here getting excited about that. oh my god. also on undatable here, this is very sad, this is the final day of bunches of funches week, you guys. i know. four days this week. we can't thank you enough, ron funches. (cheers and applause) today ron funches is playing for@maca m.c. manus. i think it's time to kick the show in the nuts t is thursday, it is time to rip the sqap off the festering wound of the political process for panderdome.
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master blaster, master blaster. master blaster. really, i lost you in the 20 sided die and mad max beyond thunder dome watch. dow guy does with your time! democratic candidate and cone skiningt bernie saernds has rocketed in the polls from a distant second to a less distant second. the honorable senator from vermont 174 years young so you better believe his campaign hit the bully eye with millennials like this bag, i'm tote for bernie and it's a tote. it's a tote and but team sanders is not stopping there. if you thought they were done, [bleep] you. redditor-- upward spiral brought our attention to this saernds campaign e-mail which contains an insane clown posse reference up here, car magnets, how do they work, huh?
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back if bernie's day faygo was what you called an overweight italian. but comedians, because of the personiest icp connection how else he is pandering to the jug allow nation. >> telling his/h dad to [bleep] off. >> chris: yeah, points, yassir lester. >> change air force one to a 1998 honda hatchback with a mystic patient job? >> chris: points. >> that would be pretty cool. >> chris: ron add funches. >> i heard if elected he's being to change the title from president of the united states to head ninja in charge. >> chris: all right. that -- >> that both pretty cool. >> yeah. >> chris: and that brings touts end of pander dome. not for the entire season, though, we are going to do this every week, you guys. right now it's time for
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#wars. (cheers and applause) it was a football game tonight, according to a guy without works here who seems to like sports. (laughter) >> chris: that makes me laugh for some reason. >> that's funny. >> chris: listen, football, come on, it's always the same old teams, red kinsing giants, those guys played last year, i'm pretty sure. well, i say it's time we mix it up a bit with tonight's hashtag, new nfl teams, new nfl teams, examples might include the jacksonville defendants. or the buffalo springfields. i will put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> ron funches. >> the san francisco stardust. >> chris: points. ron funches. >> the miami guy was look like pit bull but they're not pit bull. >> chris: that would be
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everyone. chris d'elia. >> vatican city fighting nine-year-olds. >> chris: yes, points. ron add funches again. >> the portland beards. >> chris: yeah, points, very good. chris again. >> north dakotah [bleep] you're canadian. >> chris: yassir lester. >> the baltimore police force. >> chris: yes, points. chris d'elia. >> the chinatown illegal dishwashers. >> chris: points. yassir lester within the washington black faces. >> chris: points. >> that's just as bad. >> chris: you're right, it's just as bad. you can imagine and the black faces take the-- what? that say great place toned the hashtag wars, send us your hashtag new nfl teams and tag those @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be back with more @midnight. >> congratulations to our
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tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. yesterday's hashtag war. yesterday's hashtag war. wendy's asked this pitmaster to share his secret barbecue sauce recipe. he did not. but he did give us this... your sauce should be a little smoky, a little spicy and a little sweet. got it. so come try our smoky, spicy or sweet barbecue sauce, served on top of hickory smoked pulled pork with crunchy slaw on toasted brioche bun or over natural cut pulled pork cheese fries. wendy's a barbecue tradition since 2015.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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lunch? ♪ there's a network that never stops improving. that's grown faster than any other, covering nearly every american... and these geese. but it's not who you think. squawk! it's t-mobile. our new extended range lte signal reaches twice as far... and is four times better in buildings. think you know our lte coverage? think again! see for yourself at t-mobile.com/coverage (cheers and applause) >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. right now its's time to play
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wrastlin videos. in honor of our artist in residence this weak mr. ron funches we wanted to play a game about his true love, professional wrestling. i know, i know, pro wrestle egg is so solemn and dignified, how could we possibly mine any come dean from this distinguished pursuit but our crack research team dug up these very rare instances of pro wrestling foolishness. we're going to show you such a video. and for points you will answer our question about that wrestler and just know that the last time we played this, ron was answering them before the videos even finished. fit up, this tag team duo. (laughter) >> even the ref is like what the [bleep]? i don't think that's
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wrestling. i think that's just kicking a child. how did they taunt their preteen opponent before the match? ron funches. >> first of all, i want to give a nice suck it and too sweet to my brothers mack and mick jackson. (laughter) >> and i know for a fact my fellow bullet club members said hey, we're both [bleep] your mom. >> chris: all right. points. next, next. the midnight rockers. >> we're the midnight rockers. we love to wrestle. and we love to paeferment you don't have to worry, we're to the going to fumble. because we'll be shaking to the rocker rap rumble. >> chris: they are definitely wrestling those rhymes. what is a better name than the midnight rockers. yes yassir lester. >> i what call them the sexy twin dudes or stds for short. >> chris: points, yup.
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points. chris. >> the guys who just got back from the optometrist. (laughter) >> chris: points. >> why the [bleep] are they wearing those glasses? better now, better now, better now. better now. (laughter) >> chris: next one, here's the dirty player. >> i am coming. i'll come for that title one way or another. you like me or not. i'm going to be most hated slayer in the royal gwf! >> what is his dirty player catch-phrase, yassir. >> thank you for shopping at wal-mart. >> chris: points. >> that's good. >> chris: . >> hey, it's me, fred durst, you probably don't recognize
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me. (laughter) >> you prbry don't recognize me since i've been struck by lightning nine times. >> chris: ron funches. >> vote trump! >> chris: points, yeah. (applause) next one, she trains the gorgeous lady of wrestling, it's aunt kitty. >> pleased to immediate you, i'm aunt kilty, all my girls are hot and pretty. i train them hard so in the ring you see my tigers do their thing. >> chris: what is aunt kitty's training regimen. >> making runs to the payday loan center for his black boyfriend.
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(laughter)y; >> that is 100 percent the truth! >> i'm dating her. >> chris: we'll give you points for that that is the end of wrastlin videos, it's time for our live challenge. working out your galoots. working out your galoots. speaking of wrestling we came across this truly amazing promo for nwa mountain state wrestling out of west virginia why. other day. after you see these guys will you forget all about dwayne, the rock, whatever, an cm punkie brewster or whatever because these guys are the real deal! >> the mise tro of wrestling, ooh la la. >> the ban dids.
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this is we're legit dynamite. >> these aren't wrestlers, these are gow guys without just watched south park. >> i'm preture-- pretty sure that gi on the left delivers my pizza. >> this looks like a wrestling league composed of honey baked hams. >> also these guys are so bad ass they have tattoos on their shirts. >> yeah. (laughter) >> a hundred points to chris d'elia for that. >> you know, comedians, let's all just say [bleep] comedy tonight and join the mountain state wrestling league. let's do that. so i feel like i know the bar is set very high but i would like you to make your audition video for this league. we'll get your answers after
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the break. we'll be right back with more @midnight junior -these wings are pretty great, huh? -yeah. -what is that? -oh, it's a wing ring. what's a wing ring? i ask it what kind of wings i should have, and it tells me. today it said honey bbq. i wanna ask it a question. oh, you know what? i got like 2% battery on this thing. -come on, let me just-- -yeah, i wish i could. you have battery in a ring? yeah, it's like eight gigs. that's two different things. one is memory, one's battery life. cool. all i know is, like, no, you can't use it. good luck choosing. 100% all white meat boneless chicken wings in six delicious flavors. they're buy one, get one free every monday night. (clicks)
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i have shared the real me with the world. oh my god, i feel myself blushing. there's a lot i need to tell you guys. me being me may have even helped some of you guys be you. fan #1: i have one hand. that's very different. fan #2: i'm proud to say that i have a bigger body than most girls. fan #3: i'm a huge fan of romantic comedies. it is crazy what is possible when you are unafraid to be you. i love y'all. how we doing man, oh, taste test. okay. taste test? sure! we wanna see if you know what is in it. ooh, i like it! but i kind of taste carrot. mango? yeah, is there strawberry? maybe some lemon? is it, coconut? very good! it's like, i know it. let me show you what you are drinking. hahahah, wow. that's awesome! that's awesome! it's good! what if i told you there was four different vegetables in there too? it's still good! introducing, tropical green from tropicana farm stand! obviously healthy. surprisingly good.
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>> chris: welcome back to
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@midnight. before the break i showed you this promo video from a low-rent wrestling league that was very akin to the generic cereal you see at the bottom of the grocery store aisle. talk a look at these cereal bags. >> pro, the maestro of >> diablo, jr., today is the day. >> chris: i asked you to make your audition video at the break. let's watch all three together and i will award points based on how milely intimidating you are. let's start. >> i'm the kidnapper. and legally i have to tell you that i am moving into your neighborhood. i won't steal your kids but i am going to nap with them. (laughter) night night. >> hey, it's me, diablo, sr., i'm just trying to get a message to my son duablo, jr., i don't know where you have been for the last four days but me an
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duablo, jr., jr. have been running the bait shop all week and these meal worms aren't going to sell themselves, so -- >> mountain state wrestling, hide your weed and white women cuz the wrestling negro is coming. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> chris: oh my god, those were [bleep] amazing. (laughter) here is what i will do. i will give a thousand points to ron funches, d'elia 500 and yassir 250 only because that almost dead evens their score which is going to make the speed round really exciting! so now you've got to earn this [bleep]. it's time for our next game, d, ck bro.
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(applause) >> if you have been paying attention to the news or can sense the presence of evil you know about die boll ca frat skoundz rel martin shkreli, the duck, blister who bought the rights-- right, you remember. he bought the rights to an aids medication and jacked up the price more than 5,000 percent lick a cowardly murderer. now he just-- when i look at this guy's face, he looks like the kind of prep school psychopath who would come to the door in a salmon colored oxford wielding a chainsaw, like american psycho. but today guys, some good samaritan passed the former hedge fund manager and released his home address and phone number to the masses. (cheers and applause) normally i wouldn't really support that but [bleep] that guy. i bet now he wishes that he
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probably hadn't tried to mick money off the backs of sick people so comedians, now that this stubborn turdstain has been docked, i'm sure we will continue to learn more about him. i would like you to give me as many evil facts about martin shkreli as you can in 60 second, and begin. >> he's white. >> chris: dammit, we got another ass hole in our ranks, points. chris d'elia. >> jerks off to footage of the challenger blowing up. >> chris: oh my god. points. points ron funches. >> he once got kicked out of a concert for being too into it. >> chris: ron. >> he's actually made up mostly of the date rape drug rohypnol. >> chris: points. chris d'elia. >> he still goes to the dentist that killed cecil. >> chris: yeah, points. yeah. yassir. >> he did the whip and nae nae at a custody hearing.
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>> chris: points. yassir. >> he looks exactly like chris d'elia. (laughter) >> chris: oh, points, that is-- that is the end of dick bro. and i see chris d'elia, you are in third place. we must eliminate you but you were absolutely-- amazing today. >> it is okay, guys. leave with me. >> chris: get back in your seats, you sit down, you sit down, you goddamn kid, sit down, sit down, sit down! you're not going anywhere together as long as i turn on the red light! that means it's time for the sleek to inherit the earth. it's for the win. researchers at a missouri nature center have kept a female yellow bellied water
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snake away from male snakes for over a decade. she's fine with it. a bottle of wine and a-- i was told that they can't take our emmy back. the amazing thing is that despite not having seen a male in ten years she recently gave birth. what? so either this horny reptile is sneaking out to meet with her snake tennis instructor or her offspring is snake jesus. it has to be. comedians, now that snake christ walks or sliters among us i would like you to give us a line from one of his sermons. we'll have our answers and name a winner when we come back on @midnight okay, what is this? it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a totally new cool. new ice breakers cool blasts. ♪
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there's a network that never stops improving. that's grown faster than any other, covering nearly every american... and these geese. but it's not who you think. squawk! it's t-mobile. our new extended range lte signal reaches twice as far... and is four times better in buildings. think you know our lte coverage? think again! see for yourself at t-mobile.com/coverage
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it is time for for the win. i'm going to wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. okay. you guys will decide the winner, are you playing for your partner at home. before the break i shared the story of a virgin snake who gave birth and has asked to you give a line from snake jesus's ver monday. first one. >> or low, i sayette.
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>> chris: who is number twoing ron funches has won three out of four. ron funches, this is a triumphant week for ron funches, congratulations, well done. keep the game going with your hashtag new nfl teams to become monday's tweet of the day. next we can back at midnight with matt walsh, rob riggle and more. stay tuned. and welcome to comedy central trevor noah next week. i'm@nerdist >> larry: tonightly, volkswagen c.e.o. resigns after programming cars to cheat on emissions tests. this guy does shadier things to his vehicles than suge knight. ( laughter ) a c.e.o. who knowingly sold tainted peanut butter that killed nine people sent to prison for 28 years. he's an

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