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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 29, 2015 2:37am-3:08am PDT

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it's gotten squarer. over the years. brighter. bigger. it's gotten thinner. even curvier. but what's next? for all binge watchers. movie geeks. sports freaks. x1 from xfinity will change the way you experience tv.
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists -- rory albanese, mike yard and deray mckesson. and congrats trevor! good job on the "daily show"! goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ free stuff, free stuff, free stuff! (cheers and applause) ♪ it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on ccn.com today. >> nasa announced that they have definite evidence that water still flows on the surface of mars. yeah, yeah, right guys? who
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cares? right? big deal. what, no, i can't snapchat that. what do i care? no, according to my calculations we are 20 years away from a water park on mars because we have to earth -- ize which mean that martian teens will finally have a place too finger each other in their weird gelatinous sex slits. comedians since it looks more likely by the day that there's life on mars what should be our first message to the martian people? >> i apologize in advance. this will end poorly. >> chris: yes, yes. you should be our ambassador. jack mcbrayer go. >> how is your blood moon? because our blood moon sucked a dick. >> chris: yes, it really did. blood main fail. progress rob riggle. >> please take back kanye. >> chris: oh, my god, finally! time to start @midnight, come
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captioning sponsored by comedy central on! is welcome to @midnight, now @midnight again, it was very confusing when it was at 11:00 o'clock. people's brains were breaking. but we are back to our usual time slot tonight and honestly, trevor noah, welcome to "the daily show", brand-new to the comedy central family. i have gotten to hang out with trevor a number of times he is amazingly smart and funny and cool and honored to have you at the top of our rock block of nightly programming. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: also, i am sorry that i called today, rock block of nightly programming. tonight's comedians are from exoot advertise in select theaters, vod and i-tunes now, it's jack mcbrayer. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: first time on the show. >> i hate it here.
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>> chris: at least someone finally had the balls to say that out loud. from the emmy award winning "veep" on the hbo, writer, director and star of "a better you" in theaters october 9th, it's matt brayer! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: and from "hell and back", in theaters october 2nd, it's rob riggle. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. very nice. that's what i am talking about on a monday. last week america caught pope fever which is a lot better from  just got here from italy, however, one cos fan, baby paper making a popey
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john paul ii in the diapey. >> pope francis noticed mini-me and so excited that he stole it! >> and they never saw the baby again! this is how i stay young! >> chris: i am just kidding, there is more. well, actually it looks like his holiness is whispering something to the baby at the time when he kissed her but we don't -- none of them were miked so comedians what was his secret mike to his little estefan, matt brayer. >> mickeys wil will kill you win three days, can there can only be one highlander. >> chris: that would be amazing. also, highlander would have been a different movie if they just had to kiss each other. >> quivering palm -- >> chris: points. jack mcbrayer.
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>> >> come out, jack mcbrayer. >> no one will believe you! >> chris: points. points. a. >> chris: particularly exciting news fortunately will not affect anyone in the audience but quarrel the man bought a top, call a man bun, a top-knot or a doucheicorn hair horn, whatever it is it's making you bald. it strikes, karma strikes again. >> health specialists say the tension top knots place on hair follicles cause acute bald patches. now i am no doctor but i wouldn't call this a cute bald patch. comedians what is another hipster trend with abide side effect? rob? >> braiding your bush hair causing your nuts to two go bald as well. >> chris: points,.
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>> it takes so much time, though. it is good news for the ladies. >> the part where you, not the part where you are braiding your ball hair. >> bush on top, you braid it. a little treat for the ladies. what am i missing here? >> chris: jack mcbrayer. >> wearing skinny jeans will turn your genitals into a sand pudding. >> chris: oh, my god. that brings us to the end of rapid refresh, now time for our hashtag wars. all right. so autumn is back in full effect. scarves are maybe ago comeback, white people are snorting pumpkin spice and the moon even changing color for the falls, so to keep the seasonal celebration going tonight's hashtag is
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#autumnin3words. >> examples might be white girl paradise or throbbing foliage boner, 60-seconds on the clock and begin. >> rob riggle. >> football, jackoff, football. >> chris: yes! points. matt brayer. >> haunted houser recollections. >> chris: points. >> erection. >> chris:. >> celeb halloween black face. >> chris: who is going to be the one this year? who is going to be the one? to (bleep) it up and have to apologize on november 1st? points. matt again. >> unnecessarily slutty witches. >> chris: points. rob riggle. >> pay ride finger bang breakup. >> chris: points. jack mcbrayer. >> seasonal depression, go! >> chris: points. rob riggle. >> least (bleep), (bleep)ing. >> chris: wait are you (bleep)ing in the leaf pile or in it? >> in it, around it, put it on the hayride. it is the same to me.
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>> chris: points. rob riggle. >> trick or mcbrayer. >> chris: does that mean i am the treat? >> chris: yes. you are the treat. >> i am going to stay. that is tend of hashtag wars, send us your #autumnin3words and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we will be right back with more @midnight. >> our tweet of the day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @pheramuse. well
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[ cheers and applause ] >> chris: oh, hello. welcome back to @midnight,
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appropriately @midnight. if you felt a profound sense of meaninglessness earlier today, it's probably because facebook was down for a while this afternoon. the out. >> there was like an hour or so with no facebook. the out staj affected nearly a billion users age bring the that they couldn't post their job jokes about taking the water from mars to solve the drought in california. comedians what did you accomplish during this brief respite from the world's largest social network, rob riggle. >> it turns out i have kids. >> chris: what? you have kids?. >> yes. >> chris: did you just find out? >> all of those baby pictures you were posting are not your kids all? find. matt brayer. >> logged on to, caught up on instay gramed, cranked off. >> chris: wait, i am sorry. cranked off. >> chris:. >> i cranked off, caught up on instagram. >> chris: wait. were you on a hayride? >> no, i was at home.
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you can crank off anywhere. >> chris: anywhere?. >> you can crank off backstage. >> all of my sexual exploits are limited to hay rides. >> dude, somebody needs to teach him. >> yeah, it is fun in the autumn but rob has no sex during during the rest of the year. >> he is running around, 50 bucks for a hayride, like in june. >> i love the fall. >> yeah. >> chris: jack mcbrayer. >> i complained on twitter that facebook is down. >> chris: perfect, points. that's what you are supposed to do. those (bleep) free services why don't they work when i want them to work? time to play myspace cold case. >> we recently came across an eerily tumblr called internet history that collects all the old photos we left behind when we abandoned our my face, myspace pages back in 2006 like
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this mysterious woman right there. our let's see, what is her deal did she ever finish her game of mobile the tetris before heading to her ship at blockbuster. >> we came across this one we realized we might be able to solve a few of these myspace cold cases. so comedians i want to show you a series, series of photos for 250 points tell us all you can about these unsolved cases. matt, you are up first. sheer the first image of this grisly scene. >> this perp is trying to solicit birds for prostitution using croutons for currency. >> chris: i live against you you points for that. moving on, what about this guy's -- >> when we got to the scene, ben kingsley was still jerking off in the background.
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kingsley started that. >> chris: forget about the underaged drinking. that's classic kingsley. >> that was didn't crime. kingsley is the crime. >> chris: jack, would you please tell us about this investigation. >> oh, yes. actually abducted three kids, the first one was too big. you get it. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: 250 points for jack mcbrayer. and jack, what about this one? this is a little more complicated. >> we finally busted those saddam hussein memorabilia smugglers. a fun fact. this is assigned, signed by the entire cast of the big bang
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theory. >> chris: oh, wow. points. yes. rob. >> there, there are chilling crimes here and you walk us through them. what about this crime? >> uh-huh. i remember this sick bastard. ran an underground baby fighting ring. called all baby "fight club". i can't tell you anymore because obviously you know the first rule of baby "fight club". [ applause ] >> chris: points for that. i think that brings us all closure on myspace cold case, finally we can all sleep peacefully. time for our live challenge, beer me. >> matthew mcconaughey oldest brother rooster is apparently a real person that exist she is
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one of the stars of west texas investors club, aka hillbilly shark tank, aka the exact opposite of dallas buyers club, but earlier this week we learned that rooster scored a year's worth of beer for naming his son miller lite. all wrong, all wrong, all wrong. rooster is getting 24 cases of beer which the brewery says constitutes a year's supply, if you're some kind of (bleep)ing pussy. we all know matthew is an academy award winner, but his brother has some star quality in his own right. so comedians, i'd like you to come up with rooster mcconaughey's oscar acceptance speech. we will have that and more when we come back to @midnight. >>
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[ horn honks melody ] well, well. if it isn't the belle of the ball. gentlemen. you look well. what's new, flo? well, a name your price tool went missing last week. name your what, now? it gives you coverage options based on your budget. i just hope whoever stole it knows that it only works at progressive.com. so, you can't use it to just buy stuff? no. i'm sorry, gustav. we have to go back to the pet store. [ gustav squawks ] he's gonna meet us there. the name your price tool. still only at progressive.com. how bill, customer...work? alright. dude... huh? you got something on your nose. did i get it? on the right.
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where is it? lower... lower? lower... lower? right, right here. that good? you're good. ah, don't forget the keys. funny. [cat growl] snap into a slim jim! it's gotten squarer. over the years. brighter. bigger.
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it's gotten thinner. even curvier. but what's next? for all binge watchers. movie geeks. sports freaks. x1 from xfinity will change the way you experience tv. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about matthew mcconaughey's actual brother rooster mcconaughey who named his son miller lite with a y and scored a year's supply of beer out of the deal. i asked you to come up with rooster mcconaughey's academy award speech, let's hear your answers. >> i would like to thank all the assembled jews who gave me this award. you probably are going to burn in eternal hellfire but you are all right with me. [ applause ] >> chris:.
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>> he is a mcconaughey. >> matt brayer. >> so many people to thank, jesus, cooter, cody, scoby, suze, little jimmy, regular jimmy, of course jesus again. most of all, spongebob from sponge out of water, that guy is hilarious. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: rob riggle. >> oh, god i am getting the music already? all right? i want to thank my son miller lite and my beautiful wife, crest white strip and my twin daughters, iphone six, and iphone 6-a. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: i have to give 1,000 points to rob riggle and five hundreds points each to matt brayer and jack mcbrayer, and time for our next game, iaea.
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the standard twitter biois like sting, binge and cookie third thing, it is a predictable formula that spam bots have figured it out and grab photos of unsuspected people and just pair them with mechanically constructed names like this nonperson, jordan caron, jordan chang, who apparently is ahmed tear, a spirituality ninja and a doorman. i think med tear would make, meditate or would make a bad doorman, this is when computers become self aware not through the military it is going to be (bleep)ing spam bots they will become self aware and drown us out with promotions for rolexs and dick details and then play hashtag wars and then it is all over. i will show you a photo and give me that spam bots twitter bio. >> first up, kimber, kim jong un kimberly swenson. >> matt, wolf, side of gauc.
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pole stolson. >> a sightseer, small wiener. >> bike tykleson. >> 50 percent off virus scan. >> chris: points. next one, my favorite, candidate number batch, jack mcbrayer. >> a philosopher, plumber, beautiful latina. >> chris: points. jontifer jeraldo. >> punt soldier, racist. >> chris: points. oh, rob riggle. >> fries, coleslaw and a small garden salad. >> chris: yes. all of those, all of those things, points, points. next one, stu frenchert. >> jonas brother, blue cheese,
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baldwin brother. >> chris: yes. points. >> chris: last one, desiree d'angelo-smith. >> oh, yes. catherine the great afficionado. father of 43. and a glue protester. >> chris: yes -- amazing. we have not that had one good cath the great horse joke in a long time. points for that. that brings us to the end of iaea. now, normally, i bye got, normally we get rid of the lowest score but this is your first time on the program. >> please let me leave. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: no, no! i mean the people love you. the sign says you have to do what i say, that means it is time to tickle my cossack, it's for the win. apple and russia go together
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like gala apples and homophobic the oranges, for the second time in two years, russia has threatened to boycott apple products for violating its ban on homosexual propaganda, last year it was because ceo tim cook came out as gay, this time because of apple's inclusion of gay emoji, being so anti-gay is a pretty hypocritical position to take for a country whose primary exports are bears with dance fever. come on, russia what are you doing. what the (bleep) are you doing? >> so comedians, i like the idea of someone who is using emoji but like, no, eggplant but not go with other eggplant. use an emoji by this point, what are some other emoji that might piss off the goofy russians? we will have our comedians' answers will have our comedians' answers when we come back with more
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[gig[gasps] [more giggling] door slam avvo.
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when you need a lawyer start your search at avvo and find the lawyer who's right for you. avvo. let's find your lawyer. aghh >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe all your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, all right i am going to read your answers out loud, you the audience will decide the winner before the break i told you about how russians have problems with the gay emoji and i asked you to give me another emoji that would probably piss them off as well. let's see what you came up with -- this one for inciting a pussy riot! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: second one, second one, this reminding us of the siberian monster who takes the shape of man. don't take my goats!
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>> or, this one for inventing an emotion that does not exist in russia. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: who is that one? who is number 3? who is number 3? won the internet, that was good. they love you! we will see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be james davis, david krumholtz and lauren lapkus. until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #autumnin3words. and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i am nerdist on the tweets and instagrams. instagrams. good night! captioning made possible by comedy central ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woe's behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪

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