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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  September 30, 2015 9:00am-9:33am PDT

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>> september 29, 2015. from comedy central world news headquarters in new york. this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i am trevor noah our guest tonight, whitney wolfe, the founder and c.e.o. of bumble, a dating app at connects single people with swarms of bees. (cheers and applause) also joining us is me! yes! (cheers and applause) so i'm back for day two. very glad when i came in this morning to find my security card still worked. that's a good sign. of course, in all the excitement, i lost track of
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yesterday's "actual" big news. it was the start of the u.n. general assembly right across town, and all eyes were on world's political all-stars -- the u.s.! russia! iran! uganda. i'm just kidding about uganda. (laughter) that's when the media went in the hall to charge their phones. they don't care about you guys. hi, uganda. but the focus was on presidents obama and putin because they were set to meet for the first time in nearly a year, after disagreeing about ukraine. putin was, like, dibs on ukraine! obama was, like, nuh-uh. it was highly awkward yesterday. >> that handshake, followed by the toast. >> trevor: those are or two men who are probably sure there is cyanide in their drinks.
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you go first! no. i feel bad for anyone who has to sit with them. >> both presidents sat side by side with ban ki-moon sitting with them, one of the roles of the secretary general. >> trevor: but not one of the perks of the job. (obama) "mr. secretary, would you ask salad to leave some onion rolls for the rest of us?" (putin) "please to tell barack i have an annexed these breads and they are now russian breads." (laughter) there is clearly a lot of tension to unpack between these two. >> watch the body language. we'll watch presidents putin and hand *. they walk in to this photo op. let's just listen. >> thank you, everybody. do you work together? how about a time line? blitzer: all right, so there
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you have it. >> forget obama and putin's body language, let's analyze putin. let's analyze wolf blitzer's body language. his lips are pursed. eyes focused. totally motionless. that's body language that says "i can't read body language." >> ways to combat i.s.i.s. the president of egypt says i.s.i.s. is judging. >> russia will now share intelligence with syria iraq and iran concerning i.s.i.s. the terror group. >> trevor: damn, i.s.i.s.! you got everyone uniting against y, iraq and egypt, russia and syria, mag any to and professor x are teaming up, drake and
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meek cut an i.s.i.s. diss track! alien and predator and freddie and jason! even zac efron has agreed to join forces with his greatest enemy, carbs. but just because everyone agrees they must crush i.s.i.s. doesn't mean they can't disagree on the most basic details of how to do it. >> the biggest disagreement on syria has been over the future of bashar al-assad. >> obama * wants syrian presidet assad out. but putin said, without assad, i.s.i.s. would take over. >> trevor: putin wants to use assad to get rid of i.s.i.s. obama wants to get rid of i.s.i.s. and assad. it's a delicate, diplomatic game. like "risk," in that no one really knows what the rules are, and everyone just wants it to be over. sorry, "risk "fans, for comparing your hobby to a genocidal quagmire. and to the families of "risk" fans, i'm just sorry, period.
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everyone agreed on was that i.s.i.s. is a problem. and one big reason is the terror group's unique ability to fund itself. >> i.s.i.s. is an economy in and of itself. it's a self-sustaining, self-funding organization. >> i.s.i.s. makes $1 million a day on oil sales. >> confiscating the land of accused iraqi government collaborators, charging protection money, ransoming hostages. >> trevor: you have to admire somebody who makes that much money and still drives their car every day. warren buffet of the terrorist organization. now they're diversifying. >> i.s.i.s. inflicting more deaf says on the ancient syrian city of palmyra. >> considers antiquities sacrilegious. >> instead of destroying precious artifacts, they are selling treasures stolen during their ethnic cleansing campaign.
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>> trevor: instead of destroying all those ancient sites for the glory of alwhether, they were looting them for valuables. you said you were doing it out of religious conviction. turns out you're a bunch of capitalist hypocrites. i'm not angry, i'm disappointed because you sold out, i.s.i.s. and the most embarrassing thing for you is who you sold out to. >> these antiquities end up in the united states, the biggest market for stolen antiquities. >> trevor: i love this! of course! u.s.a.! yeah! whoo! of course, the u.s. likes to buy up other countries-used culture, the same way nbc bought the office from england and hbo bought tiny man dragon queen. they always do it! some seek to vilify art collectors. but art collects collect art. like blaming hot dogs for being
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full of pig anuses. they can't help it. turns out, u.s. provides i.s.i.s. with an estimated $100 million a year. i.s.i.s. is making so much money, they're literally making mooney. >> i.s.i.s. says it's now minting its own currency. >> claims they make the dinar with real gold. this shows images clearly meant to send a message, pictures of the world trade center on the september 11 attacks. >> trevor: i.s.i.s. is making 9/11 coins? you pieces of (bleep). the worst thing is you weren't inifnvolved with that? you're taking credit for something you didn't do! who plagiarizes terrorism? these guys -- for more on this we turn to new "the daily show" correspondent desi lydic, everyone! desi, it's still hard to fathom that i.s.i.s. makes so much money selling antiques on the black market. it's actually disgusting.
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>> that's right, it's awful how i.s.i.s. can if you feel their campaign of destruction by selling off the region's greatest treasures. treasures like this smart little item hasan is displaying for us. hasan, what can you tell us about this piece? >> this is a statue of the fertility god. >> i don't need one of those. i'm very fertile. >> how much would one expect to pay for an irreplaceable piece of civilization like this. >> on the market, this could go for as much as $380,000. >> what? yeah! but right now we're selling it today for not three, not two, but just $140,000. that's a steal. >> it literally was. hasan, desi, sorry, but this is exactly the problem. sounds like this creates a
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market for i.s.i.s. to exploit for higher and higher profits. >> that's absolutely right. the money you spend on items like this go right back into destroying more historic sites like palmyra. >> which means this speos almost guaranteed to go up in value if you buy now. a smart investment. >> trevor: these are priceless pieces of history and you're selling them for next to nothing. >> that's right, trevor! and if you act now you get the complete trinity, aglibol along with bel and the solar nimbus, god of the sprinchts and we'll throw in the blessed shaman blood. >> oh works! that's blood, folks. guaranteed for triple in value. >> that's right, and this is an opportunity you do not want to miss. >> call now! (laughter) >> oh, sorry, not me. we'll be right back!
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we have three chevy's here. alright. i want you to place this award on the podium next to the vehicle that you think was ranked highest in initial quality by j.d. power. hmm. can i look around at them? sure. highest ranking in initial quality. it's gotta be this one. this is it. you are wrong. really? actually it's all three. you tricked me. j.d. power ranked the chevy malibu, silverado half-ton and equinox highest in initial quality in their segments. that's impressive! i'm very surprised! i am. i'm very surprised. chevy hit three home runs. thought i told you to stay off our turf. and what would you know about turf, skipper? let's end this here and now!
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only at gnc. >> trevor: welcome back to the show. (cheers and applause) presidential elections. in a democracy, they are the ultimate contest to find the most resolute leader, the sharpest thinker and, of course, the old person who is best at pretending to like young people things. >> he's east coast. you're east coast, though. i'm west coast. don't think they should have shot each other and had a -- had a dispute that way, but i was a west coast fan. >> trevor: you don't think biggie and tupac should have been killed? i'm glad you clarified that because i was really fooled by your thug-life exterior. recently we've reached the stage in the campaign where it's been impossible to stop the flow of candidates desperately trying to be hip.
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pandemic. not panda-demic. what a duty way to die. and just as we have candidates associated with celebrities, certain celebrities want to be associated with candidates. >> kanye west. you have been interviewed in van thety fair "as soon as i heard ben carson speak, i treed three weeks to get on the phone with him. i was, like, this is the most brilliant guy ." >> trevor: congratulations, the man who hangs out with these people all day thinks you're a genius. i love the kardashians! no, no! i love the kardashians! but i love jokes more. and looks like the admiration is mutual. >> i did have an opportunity to talk with him. i was extremely impressed with his business acumen. i talked to him about the possibility of maybe himself and some of the other people in the pop culture doing some music that might be uplifting, that might give young women a sense
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of their value, and young men a sense of responsibility. >> trevor: oh, wow. ben carson is giving kanye west music advice. that's right. the music tape is dropping now, ben carson mixed tape. probably the ever. no, i am saying she's a gold digger. she dresses in the messing room. (laughter) i understand your need to pander. kanye, do your research. you can't just look for the black guy. you're looking for a president. look at the things ben carson says. >> because of our faith, our family, our values, and as we allow the hip-hop community to destroy those things for us, we continue to deteriorate. >> trevor: yeah, we continue to deteriorate and i'm sure ben carson could find something he likes about hip-hop.
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the homophobia, for instance. you have more in common than you think. the trick is to find a perfect match between celebrity and politician. >> hillary clinton is reaching out to millennial voters as part of a new sit-down interview with apart winning actress lena dunham. >> trevor: that's right, hillary notice how to win the nation. first you have to win the butt-smotherers. here's the thing, lena dunham loves hillary, too. >> do you consider yourself a feminist? >> yes, absolutely! >> trevor: i haven't seen lena dunham that excited since hbo made office clothing optional. it's so great! lena was excited about hillary especially because hicial didn't seem excited about hillary. >> sometimes it is, you know, choices between people that none of whom you,
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but study it enough to say, okay, if i vote for this person, i'm more likely to see progress on something i care about. if you can't get excited, be pragmatic and do it anyway. >> trevor: if you can't get excited, be pragmatic and do it anyway. that is the worst hype speech i've heard in my life. "are you ready for hillary clintonnnnnnnnnn! i know you're not, but put you hands together anyway! the other choices are even worse, according to her! but my favorite part is when lena dunham brought up the recent video where lenny kravitz' pants split on stage during a concert. >> lena: did you see the footage where his, like, pants split and, like, his..." >> clinton: no, i missed that. lena: stuff fell out. clinton: yeah, yeah. do you think i could get that... >> lena: on youtube. clinton: youtube, okay, good. i'll look for that. (laughter) >> trevor: that was a dick joke!
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hillary clinton just made a joke about lenny kravitz' penis! and just like lenny kravitz' penis, i have to pretty impressive. we'll be right back. and when you bundle your home and auto insurance through progressive, you'll save a bundle! [ laughs ] jamie. right. make a bad bundle joke, a buck goes in the jar. i guess that's just how the cookie bundles. now, you're gonna have two bundles of joy! i'm not pregnant. i'm gonna go. [ tapping, cash register dings ] there you go. [ buzzing ] bundle bee coming! it was worth it! saving you a bundle when you bundle -- now, that's progressive.
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locutora: los bebés a los que ose les habla desde que nacen.. tienen más posibilidades de lograr un buen futuro. [ speaking spanish ] locutora: leerles o hablarles durante sus primeros años tiene un enorme impacto en lo que harán el resto de sus vidas. cuantas menos palabras oigan, más posibilidades tendrán de no acabar sus estudios y meterse en problemas. habla. lee. canta. tus palabras tienen el poder de moldear su mundo. aprende más en
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is the co-founder o bumble. please welcome whitney wolfe! >> hi. >> trevor: hi. i said hi first. >> trevor: glad you did. i didn't know how this works. do i wait, i do initiate?
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>> i was a little eager, i had 24 hours, but i figure we only have a couple of minutes now. >> trevor: only have a couple of minutes? >> yeah. >> trevor: let's make it work. thank you for coming. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: bumble, this is crazy. a lot of the staff used tinder and then bumble and they love bumble more. the bumble is an app where the woman has to make the first move. so you both have to like each other. >> yes, if you both like each other you become a connection and the woman has 24 hours to say something, unless you are looking for same-sex connections and in that case either one can make the connection. >> trevor: guys doesn't don't care. we're both initiators. this is interesting, the woman has to make the first move. >> yes. >> trevor: why? he current landscape of dating, all the expectation is on the man to make the first
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move. that's broken. what if you're shy, nervous, tired of doing that? on the contrary, women are expected to sit on their hands. so i can walk out of a board meeting or i can, you know, leave any type of exciting, you know, unique experience, traveling, doing whatever independently, but i'm not allowed to text a guy first. >> trevor: you can, but you shouldn't. (laughter) >> exactly. that's the point. that's the issue. we wanted to solve that. >> trevor: i saw you say that bumble is not just an app, it's a movement. >> we would like it to be a movement. >> trevor: what is the movement? >> we want every single connection to start confidently. so if we can connect you in a confident way, both for the man and the woman, we think that's going to actually have significant social change and push social change in a real way. it will empower the woman, take the pressure off the man and create a significant shift we're
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waiting for. >> trevor: devil's advocate. we're looking for equality. let's go for an app where guys aren't sending out creepy messages and the woman makes the first move. that's great. but why doesn't the guy do it in a nicer way. why couldn't there be a filter? why do you decide to go to the 24-hour thing for ladies. >> we're looking for equality. we're looking at real-life scenarios. right now the real life world does not say men and women are equal in dating, they're just not. by giving the woman a slight boost up, be confident, make the first move, and taking the pressure away from the man just for the first step, we feel like it's evening it out a bit. >> trevor: i like taking the pressure off the man. i generally do. a lot of guys won't admit how hard it is to approach a woman. a lot of guys won't. as a guy, you always think, it looks easy in the movies.
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you just say, can i buy you a drink? and then, in real life, they say, no. and then, after that, you don't know where to go from there. but then, now, like, i know i just have to make a profile, right? >> i think if you ask someone if they wanted a drink, they'd maybe say yes to you. >> trevor: oh you would think these things, but -- so if i was set ug up a profile on bumble, what works well? i don't know what goes in a profile. when people have a picture of a friend, i don't know who they are in the picture. >> so that's the next invention, how to determine who -- >> trevor: the person is. yes. in the meantime, i looked at your instagram and you have some pretty fun selfies. >> trevor: thank you. i'd go with those, but tips for the rest of the users, definitely, if you're going to do a big group shot, where's
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walled o let's use one of yourself as well in the other photo and show case yourself, be yourself. >> trevor: be out there, yourself, but most importantly, let the ladies make the first move. >> confident. >> trevor: yet not arrogant. indeed. >> trevor: bumble. i'm going to join it. >> are you really? >> trevor: no, i won't. (laughter) whitney wolfe, everyone! founder and c.e.o. of the dating app bumble. get on the app, wait for your reply! we'll be back! (cheers and app warning, ignore all old spice commercials except this one. ahhh! don't use timber, use bearglove! [doorbell] hello ladies. don't listen to him, listen to this. timber. hey! this is my commercial! i'd like to agree with you, but then why are we...on a horse? oh no! his signature joke! ♪ bearglove? go away. ♪ bearglove. [sigh]
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well, well. if it isn't the belle of the ball. gentlemen. you look well. what's new, flo? well, a name your price tool went missing last week. name your what, now? it gives you coverage options based on your budget. i just hope whoever stole it knows that it only works at so, you can't use it to just buy stuff? no. i'm sorry, gustav. we have to go back to the pet store. [ gustav squawks ] he's gonna meet us there. the name your price tool. still only at not much has changed. this is except.... it responds to the pressure of your finger. so you can peek into stuff. and pop stuff open. which changes how you play a song. read a text. read an email. read the news. wait, you read the news? kid: yep of course you do. now you can change apps like this. pay at more places like this. and the new color looks like this... it's rose gold, it's awesome.
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and siri is more helpful than ever. bill hader: hey siri, show me photos of tortellini. siri: here are some images of tortellini... maybe get take out? the camera shoots 4k video now, which changes how your movies look. nice... even selfies have changed. now your screen is the flash. that's gonna get, like, a million likes. selena gomez: thanks. actually, photos themselves have changed. they move now. you just touch them. so yeah, that's what's changed. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> trevor: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. my guest will be new jersey governor and presidential candidate chris christie. it's going to be exciting. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> hey, smoked trout, for dessert cherry compote and true
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bears. >> the short ribs warn option. >> larry: tonightly, fox goes after obama for his weakness
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against russia. but to be fair here, fox can go ( bleep ) itself. ( laughter ) i mean, to be fair. ( cheers and applause ) obama and putin also shared an awkward toast at a u.n. luncheon. things only got worse when putin illegally annexed obama's side salad. ( laughter ) not good. that was not cool. and rush limbaugh claims that nasa has been corrupted by the left. you know, he's just mad that nasa recently reported rush limbaugh is visible from space. greetings, earth lings! this is "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central


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