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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  September 30, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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there wouldn't be the problem of ferguson. there would be no abuse by the >> larry: tonightly, republican congressman drill grilled the president of planned parenthood for five hours yesterday. man, i haven't seen a crowd gang up on a woman like that since the "game of thrones" finale. (laughter) the vatican confirms that the pope met with kim davis in d.c. last week. i guess she used one of her vacation days to get out of not working. and donald trump has got a new tax plan. it's like the donald himself, bold, easy to understand and crazy at [bleep]. there is the nightly show. let's do this! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> larry: thank you very much. welcome to the nightly show. >> larry, larry, larry! >> larry: such a great crowd we have tonight. i have to tell you, we have the best crowds. and it really is a may ma-- amazing because we have no smoking sections. (laughter) and everybody is smoking up a storm before this show. well, all the people in the white ticket section but all, all smoking up a storm. inside joke, bitches! you got to come to the show. (cheers and applause) ever at home is like, what is he talking about. man, we really do have a big show tonight. you know, let's get right to
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it. so planned parenthood has been in the nuts a lot lately. and it can be hard to keep up with the back story. before we go any further, here's what you may have missed. >> previously on america's fraught relationship with planned parenthood, a new undercover sid video was releasedness we should defund planned parenthood. >> defund planned parenthood. >> the harvest it's brain. >> there is no proof that anything you do to planned parenthood, republicans are threatening to shut down the government. >> larry: pretty much, glad we had that refresher course, you know, i actually didn't remember a lot of that. but that may be over but the grilling season is still going strong on capitol hill. >> fireworks on capitol hill as lawmakers questioned and clashed with that organization's president. ses ile richards this he can -- cecile richards, they questioned her about five hours. >> five hours what is there to say.
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is abortion league? >> yes with. >> okay. -- is abortion legal? >> yes. >> okay. >> thank you for four hours and 59 minute,ed so oaku, candy crush, a long hobbit movie, five hours is a long time to let the president of planned parenthood speak but nice that they gave her so much time to get her point across. >> congressmen, let me tell you -- >> no, no, no. we don't have time for big narratives. my point is -- >> even though we are -- >> we don't own anything in those countries. what our global dns did. >> i have to keep going. go ahead. >> i'm sorry. >> don't do mammograms there is one or two places that do it. >> could i answer the question? >> no, you can't answer the question. it's called a hearing, not a speaking. jesus, let the woman speak for christ's sakes. at least allow her to use the words you're not going to listen to. >> i can assure you i'm not
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going to be tough on you but surely you don't expect us to be easier on you because you're a woman. . >> larry: and surely you don't expect me to be easier on you because you're an asshole. (applause) what kind of bull [bleep] is this. a nasty attitude. now of course, this wasn't really about listening at all. it was about the theater of it. specifically putting on a good show for america. and let me tell you, this troupe of congressional players, they really like to ham it up. >> do you fit-- defend the sale of baby body parts? >> no. and i think that is really a total mischaracterization. >> larry: [bleep] why would anyone want to sell baby body parts when leasing is such an attractive option. right? am i -- am i wrong? come on. baby body parts is about lose half of their value as soon as you drive them out of the clinic. come on you guys. shoot the messenger.
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that's a touchy crowd. i love the way they're treating her like she's some villain, you know, just because she is dressed like claire underwood, doesn't mean she's evil like claire unitwood. >> fewer than 1 percent of our health centres do any, facilitate fetal tissue donation for the patient but fetal tish few -- >> my time has run out. i just want to say, say this, it seems to me that the apology you offered was like what, some criminals do. they're not really sorry for what they've done. they're sorry they got caught. >> larry: yes, the floor recognizes congressman duncan's attitude as a [bleep] one. and would like him to yield the remainder of his time. thank you. >> also, if it pleases the chair, i would also like to suggest that congressman duncan go jump up his own butt hole, thank you.
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>> boom. duncan wasn't the only one showboating. check out representative jason chaffetz of utah. >> i need to show this last part. this one i don't understand. that is the reduction in the breast exams and the red is the increase in the abortion. that's what is going on in your organization. >> larry: okay, i want you to understand what they just showed you. that chart makes no sense at all. did you see, they're comparing the decrease in cancer screenings to the increase in abortions as if they're related. but planned parenthood did 935,000 cancer screenings compared to 327,000 abortionsment but abortion is like way higher on the chart. you can't just make up how charts look. that's not a thing. (laughter) >> larry: right? you can't do that. (cheers and applause) good lord. otherwise you could prove anything you want that way. look at the numbers of movies in the best exotic mari gold hotel franchise and it correlates to the loss of arctic sea ice.
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my god, according to this chart, the delight. comedies about the elderly remembering how to love again are killing our planet. i said it before and i will say it again, goddamn you dame judi dench. (laughter) can we please, please, please give cecile richards a chance to answer without someone interrupting her. and you know what, i will need to see a little more snotiness. >> why do you need federal dollars, are you making a ton of dough. >> we like other medicaid are reimbursed for services provided. we don't just get a big check from the federal government. >> larry: oh, wait, oh, you guys don't take these? i did all my business with giant checks. i-- god, okay, all right.
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>> i never remember how it goes back in. now look, all this grandstanding and overacting isn't about getting rid of planned parenthood. it's about getting rid of abortion. a legal and protected right according to the supreme court of the united states. so-- (applause) ldz i'll tell you, so short of hiring armed guards to stand outside women's vaginas, women's vaginas from the '70s, apparently, with there's not much antiabortion activists can do. but as long as abortions are happening, and they are happening, don't we want to make sure women have a safe place to have them? we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> larry: welcome back. i have to say, there are a couple of stories in the news that are blowing my mind. we're introusing a new segment called l dubs mind splosion. that is right, l dubs mind splosion, as always brought about you by scott's grass seed, just cuz your mind's 'sploded doesn't mean you can't have a nice lawn. so first thing blowing my mind, donald trump's new tax plan. now i know, there are lots of luxurious words and numbers in it but here is the big take away, zero taxes for single people without make less than 25 k and married couples what make less than 50. and how would these 75 million americans file their taxes this is true, guys,
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according to trump's web site they get a new one page form from the irs saying, i win. (laughter) i win? are you kidding? only done all trump would spin households below the poverty line as a win. that's right, the poor win. 364 days, loozah, april 15th, winner, con gradlations, everybody. -- congratulations, everybody. amazing. by the way, we took a closer look at trump's web site and discovered another forum you might get in the mail f you like trump have to pay, you get a one-page plan saying they win. that's trump. but that's not all, the best part of the plan, for trump anyway is how it would benefit him. >> it would eliminate the estate tax which means his children would inherit much, much, much more of his money. it would drastically reduce the tax on his business empire, and it would seriously reduce his own
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personal income tax rate. >> larry: so donald trump's tax plan would mostly benefit donald trump. i mean, this is like if obama slashed taxes on mom jeans. right? i mean, that only benefit os bama. let's be honest about that. and he also said his plan would add nothing to the deficit it actually adds 12 trillion dollars, and that it would force him to pay more taxes. he's lying to americans and yet he's still leading in the polls t makes my mind 'splode. okay. all right. next up, in l dubs mind splosion, just when you thought kentucky county clerk kim davis was done, she's baaack. and clearly she has made a high profile bestie. >> there is word this morning that during pope francis u.s. trip he met secretly with kim davis. she is the controversial
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county clerk in kentucky who was jailed for refusing to issue marriage licences to same-sex couples. >> larry: i know what you are thinking, get the [bleep] out of here, larry. there is no way she met with the pope. well, you're wrong. a spokesperson for the pope has confirmed that francis sat down with kim davis and her husband joe in a secret meeting at the vatican embassy. >> i put my hand out and he grabbed it. and i-- i hugged him. and he hugged me. and he said thank you for your courage. >> larry: no, pope, no! you are supposed to be the cool pope. this is the worst crushing of someone i thought was cool since johnny depp gave us mordechai. horrible. now look, a lot of people thought that this pope was giving signals that he not only cares about things like climate change or women's issues but gay issues as well. he said, who am i to judge. this is the guy who wasqñ@6cj% going to finally bring the catholic church from the middle ages into the future. but by meeting with kim davis, unfortunately, that future seems to be only
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1975. we'll be right back. [ horn honks melody ] well, well. if it isn't the belle of the ball. gentlemen. you look well. what's new, flo? well, a name your price tool went missing last week. name your what, now? it gives you coverage options based on your budget. i just hope whoever stole it knows that it only works at so, you can't use it to just buy stuff? no. i'm sorry, gustav. we have to go back to the pet store. [ gustav squawks ] he's gonna meet us there. the name your price tool. still only at (music begins and plays (rain throughout)) we have just received confirmation from meridian. that on october 27, 2560, sparten 117,
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i'm afraid so sir. do it. how about now? i deserve this. you deserve to be fired. four flavors, four shapes, cheetos mix ups.
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>> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel, nightly show contributor mike yard. (applause) you can listen to our weekly podcast friends like us, very funny comediane, marina franklin is back and he's a professor of public policy at uc berkeley, former u.s. secretary an a new book, saving capitalism, robert reich. and for everyone at home, please join our conversation now on twitter@nightly show using the #tonightly. earlier this week and in the
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show we mentioned donald trump revealed his tax plan to cut taxes across the board. and i want to ask you, is the trump tax plan whack or-- do you think it could be his whk way to the white house, an please use whack in your answer. >> okay, the tax plan is the single dumbest plan i've ever seen. (applause) i want to be clear, i want to be fair, i want to be fair and really, i'm biased about it. but this is onvoodoo economics. this is do-do economics. >> larry: man, that's a shaky plan. >> a heavy thing. >> larry: now he wants to exempt a lot of people from paying taxes. how do you feel about that? >> i think these guys think we've fever been to a math class. i don't know what the hell-- lower my tax break et from 40% to 15% and the deficit will melt away. really? take away money, and then
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the deficit will-- this makes no sense. >> maybe that's why they keep cutting education because they keep catching them on the math. that's what it is. that's what it is. >> not all of us catch it. like i just recently really started caring about taxes. cuz i just started making money. i mean before this, i was just thinking about the sales tax and that's about it, you know. >> larry: should anybody-- do you think churches should be nonexempt, should they take away their nonexempt status or religious institutions have to pay taxes. >> everybody ought to pay taxes to some extent. and religions, you know, not for profits, you know, once you start down that road, you, there is no end to it who can and can't. if you are going to have a tax system, you have a tax system. but you know, what happens is every time you have politicians, particularly backed by wealthy people, aka, trump, you are get a tax system that is basically
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filled with loopholes for wealthy people. >> right. >> and it's time we stopped. >> i wonder why we always have to -- >> yeah, i know. i know some native americans don't have to pay some taxes. is there a way we can get the native american sweet deal for brothers, do you think? >> they done have to pay taxes because we took their land. >> well, they took us. so i think -- >> (cheers and applause) >> i think since they took us, black people should not have to pay taxes for at least 200 years, at least. >> i like that part. >> reparation. >> you're not going to give me 40 acres and a field, give me no taxes and we call it even. >> i think that actually people who do good services, for me. >> larry: services for you. >> should never have to pay pay taxes. >> larry: what dow mean by that. >> the young lady who cut my hair. she should not have to pay taxes. >> you're on to something. >> you with like to be in a
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position where you can say you pay no taxes and you pay taxes and you pay less taxes. >> no taxes. you missed that part. none for at least 200 years. >> i got it. >> because i'm black. >> dow have to prove are you black. >> i think i'm proving it right now. >> larry: well, you don't have to prove it. but -- >> pretty much. >> we're going to see more racial dojo, more incognegros. >> we just put a beat on and see how they move, then we know, sorry, white people. >> larry: is the tax-- are we mad at rich people because they have a lot of money? is that why-- is that what it is? seriously. is there-- is it about player hating the rich. we want them to pay more taxes or is it really about fair share? what do you think about that. >> let's be clear. >> larry: i don't even know what fair share means. >> all we know is the rich are richer today. they're taking home a larger percentage of the total
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income and wealth than ever before. it used to be the gilded age in the '80s. everybody else is basically going nowhere. we have more poverty than we have had in a very long time. and yet we to pay for schools and medicare, and defense who is going to pay if the rich don't pay, that means everybody else pays even more. let's be clear. >> larry: yeah, mike, will you have to pay more [bleep]. >> it's never equal. i have never felt like it was equal. and you know, when i, like have money, and i feel good about myself, when i have a job, actually the crime rate inside of me-- is low. >> right. >> it's actually low. >> larry: if you have more money, it reduces the crime rate. >> yeah, inside of me. because let me tell you something, if i don't have a job, i'm not a happy person. i'm going to rob somebody. i mean-- i'm not a violent person. but i will rob somebody if i don't have the money. >> larry: okay. the other big story this week i want to talk about,
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this is surprising that the pope met with kim davis. >> why are people surprised, we know what it's about. this is exactly who the pope is. >> i think that there is a big part of story they missed. he met with her because she asked to confess that she had sinned by completely misapplying her public duties and not understanding what her public duty was. >> larry: really? i think you just made that up. >> i just made that up. [bleep] (laughter) >> larry: you know what,. >> you had me for one secretary, because i'm thinking who [bleep] those guys are powerful. >> i'm signature here going none of these jokes are going to work now. >> larry: but i don't know, it seems like the pope is saying who am i to judge about the gay issue. i think he said that-- what
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is going on. i think he got addicted to the roars of the crowd sow kept feeding them. >> you like that. >> this woman seeing her was like the pimp el on the trip. >> it was a pimp el on the back. trip. >> but in all fairness, as i said, he probably shouldn't belong to any one political group. his job is the pope. we'll be right back. >> larry: if you are's in new york city come to the show, go to the nightly show, go to the nightly for tickets.
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we have three chevy's here. alright. i want you to place this award on the podium next to the vehicle that you think was ranked highest in initial quality by j.d. power. hmm. can i look around at them? sure. highest ranking in initial quality. it's gotta be this one. this is it. you are wrong. really? actually it's all three. you tricked me. j.d. power ranked the chevy malibu, silverado half-ton and equinox highest in initial quality in their segments. that's impressive! i'm very surprised! i am. i'm very surprised. chevy hit three home runs. it's here! the most advanced iphone yet. get the new iphone 6s at t-mobile. the network that's double it's lte coverage in the past year. our new extented range lte™ signal now reaches twice as far as before. and it's 4x better in buildings. want more? get the lowest price on iphone 6s with trade-in. zero upfront and just 5 bucks a month with jump! on demand™
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get it now at t-mobile. what beer should redd's green apple ale! that's a lovely idea... what?! i party. redd's green apple ale. brewed like a beer, tart like granny smith. unleash a refreshing do the >> larry: that's our show, i want to thank our panelists,
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marina franklin, mike yard and robert reich. we were talking about black people not having to pay taxes, okay. now you can read about that an many of our other brilliant ideas. in my new book, it's coming out on paper book. wrote a couple of years ago and it comes out on tuesday. so as many of you know i ask people to give it a hundred and hold myself to the same standard. tonight i answer one of your questions this question comes from@24/7 gamers. larry, i don't remember the last time you did a keep it a hundred yourself. would you work for fox if it meant nasa got more money. >> larry: absolutely, nasa get more money, i'll work for fox. as long as i'm back-to-back with megyn kelly, i'm all good. good night, everybody. don't forget to follow us on twitter. join the conversation using its hashtag tonightly. good night.
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on today. well, sadly homophobic kim davis is back in the news. or as i call her, kim jong un fair. >> i am surprised we are still talking about her. but quickly bring you back up to speed, it is not about religious freedom, about government official bringing up the law, on if she were a muslim they would be calling her a terrorist and no hero and, men are created equal, blah, blah, blah. >> you are no better than a restaurant black people next to white people. the only acceptable segregation is church and state, okay, f


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