tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central October 1, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PDT
>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on abcnews.com today. well, sadly homophobic kim davis is back in the news. or as i call her, kim jong un fair. >> i am surprised we are still talking about her. but quickly bring you back up to speed, it is not about religious freedom, about government official bringing up the law, on if she were a muslim they would be calling her a terrorist and no hero and, men are created equal, blah, blah, blah. >> you are no better than a restaurant black people next to white people. the only acceptable segregation is church and state, okay, food
we are back up to speed, you guys. now let's talk about today's news. according to the vatican during his visit to america this week the pope secretly met with kim davis, we don't know why, maybe he wanted to see if her neck was read or maybe he just ran -- maybe he ran out of communions and he was like bring me a cracker and a confused altar boy grabbed her, we don't know, we don't know. but davis said the pope told her to stay strong, reminds understanding us he is as exactly out of touch as someone who wears a cape and thinks god talks to him, but you can't fault the pope for not understanding the separation of church and state, he literally has a church-state, but that's not how we do things in america, you all, that's not how we are supposed to do things in america, you all, yes, you are not the pope of me. you are not my holy dad. but comedians, since the details of this meeting are being kept
secret, what is something the pope might have said to kim davis, jen kirkman go. >> yes, sir i don't know why they met but i do know he said it is so nice to meet you cathy, i love your comic strip. >> oh, i hate work, mondays. tom. >> the pope is from argentina, and what he said to her was this, he said, -- i am the wife of god on earth. god has spoke to me and he said, who is making a fuss? because you look like garbage, they learn how to walk around. and kind of like the character sadness from the movie inside out. >> offensive from every angle. rhys darby.
>> kim, i give you permission to enter my secret chamber gown, once inside, there will be a small lever for you to pull. tug that three times, twice, if you will, and god himself will kristen. >> cyst enthee, hallelujah, it is time to start @midnight. captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight, i am chris hardwick, tonight's comedians are performing at the rex theatre this pittsburgh october 21st, jen kirkman! from the odd couple, season 2, coming mid season to cbs, tom lennon!
>> chris: and performing in re, we start saying funny things society, october 19th, rhys darby! let's start the program, ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. >> all right. there is a new unnecessarily large truck in town and it makes your old small penis look absolutely gigantic, this is the action mobil globalthon sales event action mobil global xrs 7,200. >> it even says man on the front so you can remember you are a man and also where you parked. >> the global is made in austria, the same place where arnold schwarzenegger was manufactured. you can get one during the action mobil globalthon sales event for just $891,000 before rebates. this thing is, let's take this
to the autobahn. salzburg. that's a local joke, no one is going to get that. >> oh, (bleep) you guys. you got that? oh, rhys. >> the pothole people, the pothole people, call '92 one -- >> chris: rhys, i have a question are you doing a local commercial in new zealand? >> yes. >> chris: okay. now this thing is an abomination, so comedians i want you to explain this truck to> god. rhys darby. >> god doesn't exist. so what would you say? >> chris: i will give you points. >> jen kirkman. >> get off my dick, god, you didn't help me (bleep) when you did that flood to noah. >> chris: tha points. >> sorry, god. >> chris: yeah.
tom lennon. >> hey, god it's me, pope pontius again. you guys get together and start measuring trucks and one guy is like that truck is so big and then you are thrashing around and it is crazy. and i don't know, am i tweeting too much? call me back. >> chris: points. >> chris: points that's the end of rapid refresh, now it is time for the hashtag wars. the lower back tattoo, known as the tramp stamp, is a timeless symbol of class and dignity. from time to time somebody with more questionable tastes will get such a tattoo like this. so -- >> ooh. >> is that french for derriere? >> to be fair, we celebrate this mark of sophistication with the
hashtag #badtrampstamps. wow. examples might be wifi hot spot or hi dad. i will put 60-seconds on the clock and begin. jen kirkman. >> parking reserved for mr. with right. >> chris: points. >> tom lennon. >> dare to do this to someone in her condition. >> me and my son are on the honor role at newhart middle school. >> points. >> please look after this bear. >> this is my waterline if you see me wading any deeper please let me know. >> chris: okay. points. rhys darby. >> i pulled the pope's secret lever. >> chris: points jen. >> ask me about my grandkids. >> chris: points. tom lennon. >> if you can read this, kid rock fell off. >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of hashtag wars, send us your
hashtags to #badtrampstamps to keep the game going. >> our tweet of the day from last night's hashtag was sent to last night's hashtag was sent to us by @kevemo, well last night's hashtag was sent to us by @kevemo, well wendy's asked this pitmaster to share his secret barbecue sauce recipe. he did not. but he did give us this... your sauce should be a little smoky, a little spicy and a little sweet. got it. so come try our smoky, spicy or sweet barbecue sauce,
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i have shared the real me with the world. oh my god, i feel myself blushing. there's a lot i need to tell you guys. me being me may have even helped some of you guys be you. fan #1: i have one hand. that's very different. fan #2: i'm proud to say that i have a bigger body than most girls. fan #3: i'm a huge fan of romantic comedies. it is crazy what is possible when you are unafraid to be you. i love y'all. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it is time to play a the hate boat.
comedians and cruise ships go together like legionnaires' disease and cruise ships. we found -- thank you. we found a delightful picture assortment called love boats rejects a collection of photos taken by photographer ian hughes and others when they were swabbing the decks of cruise ships way back this 1990s. comedians i am going to show you some of these solid gold cruise ship snaps and for 250 points i want you to answer a few questions. how about these two pretty in pinkers. how about these two? did they ever find these two? >> chris: jen. >> they never found her, she mysterious disappeared, she watched up years later on the beach with his roommate's lamp. >> chris: points. tom. >> they never found them, per se, but they do keep getting postcards from the he donnism swingers resort in jamaica. >> chris: points.
.. rhys. >> this is actually a historic photo. >> chris: i wasn't aware of that. >> it is proof of ancient aliens. and this is my theory. that this is actually the king and queen of atlantis. and they had never been found but some say they are they are in atlanta doom beneath the bermuda triangle and sending out ufos. >> chris: that explains why. points. >> chris: next the next one, this surprise couple. oh! oh! oh, no. what did the photographer say to these young lovers when he snapped the pictures, tom lennon? >> guess whose pregnant?
>> chris: jen. >> in 2008, we will have a black president. >> chris: yep. okay. points. >> rhys darby. >> oh, hello dickey. you may recall me from last night when we had a couple of drinks and i took a couple of candids of you and you said you were single. >> chris: points. points. next one, this dissatisfied patron. why so mad? don't be so mad. >> they just (bleep)ed on the table in front of everyone. >> chris: points. this woman right here? >> this guy, going to shake hands with him. >> the makings of a major lemon party. >> chris: that is this guy's
name. google it. major lemon party. major lemon party, reporting to duty. >> last one, this beached gentleman. what did he write in the sand with coconuts in hopes of being spotted bay rescue plane? tom lennon? >> help, se past wrap the crab has got my boner. >> help, sebastian the crab has got my boner. >> chris: rhys darby. >> you will never get away with this, bond! >> chris: points. the crazy things, this guyyq is amish. >> yes he has the chin beard there. >> chris: are you allowed to (bleep) beaches when you amish? >> my question is, did he come from this boat? >> i bet that sucked.
i am all washed up. literally. >> chris: yes. 100 points for that. that's tend of the hate boat and time for our live challenge, the toys are back in town. i know, guys. so the toy hall of fame came out with the list of 2015 nominees, include american girl dolls, jenga, the scooter the top, the super soaker, twister and the wiffle ball which sounded like all the floats from the gacy's day parade. now, i have got a box of the nominees right here. and this is going to be fun. look at this, you guys. there it is. there it is. you want to get in i in the van i will hand you each a toy from this box, and i would like you givgive me the acceptance speecn
so how did you get this gold ps4? so last week i ran into this guy, dimitri two hands... he used to run with the mob. anyway, his goons boosted some bullion from the komarov vault, but the bars were marked so they had to melt them down. now it's in a cook house. if you know the right guys and have the dinero, people are dipping all sorts of stuff in it. that's how. really? 'cuz i heard that you could only win it at taco bell. grab a quesarito or volcano quesarito big box for a chance to win a limited edition gold ps4 bundle. there's a winner every ten minutes. [bong]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i gave you each a toy that is nominated for induction into the toy hall of fame and i asked you to come up with the acceptance speech in the event that toy wins. jen, we gave you twister. >> yes. on behalf of twister, i just want to say that my greatest accomplishment has been to facilitating so many awkward first boners. >> chris: tom lennon. >> hey guys, general garks first, i want to thank everybody at the girsh industry, oh they are already playing the music for me, let's wrap this up. oh, oh, oh a. >> chris: perfect.
>> chris: rhys darby. >> hello. captain davidson here, royal navy. absolutely over the moon that you have chosen our -- oh, hang on. i just got a signal coming through. oh, here we go. beep, beep, beep, beep. oh, f 7, 8. v 9, hit, b 10, hit. oh, we are going down! we are going down! we are going down! >> you sunk my battleship. >> chris: i have to give rhys darby 1,000 points. >> jen kirkman 500. >> tom lennon 250. >> chris: let's go to our next game, future hashtag wars. >> tonight is actually our 300th episode of @midnight.
i posed for that for like five hours and i think we were conservative in this area but otherwise i think we did a pretty good job. this means we basically had to come up with 300 different hashtag wars. i think the event horizon of us running out of those would be a year and a half ago but we haven't done that yet. coming up with hashtags is not easy and if you forgot that remember we just did bad tramp stamps, this episode alone, so comedians, you guys are old pros and could use up some help. so come up with as many hashtag wars we can that we can use. tom lennon. >> six words in three words. >> chris: all right. points. rhys darby. >> thanksgiving sex moves. >> chris: points. the stuffing? points.
>> jen. >> ruin a make a wish. >> chris: points. rhys darby. >> why no one loves me. >> chris: points. >> inside the pope's chambers. >> chris: points. jen kirkman. >> mel gibson's best slurs. >> chris: points. tom. >> smurf-and merican. >> chris: points. tom. >> rhys darby's menu. >> chris: oh, points. jen. >> tom lennon party. >> chris: yes. that's the end of future hashtag wars, tom lennon you are in third point and we have to eliminate you. i am so sorry. do you have any last words before you go back to your house from making money -- on a strip pole. >> it is funny because it is
true. >> chris: all right. red light, there we go. >> chris: i love your rocket tear pose right now. >> thank you very much. >> i am going to commit to it and i am not going to change. >> halfway to a lennon party. >> chris: that means it's time to get some gold-leafed tarot cards, it's for the win. corn hulk doll cursed bay witch donald trump recently tweeted.
wow. wow. you can't prove me wrong. prediction. rand paul has been given out of the race by my statements about him. he will announce soon. one percent. he really puts the dick in predictions. alsop one percent isn't rand's polling numbers, that's just how he signs everything to piss off occupy wall street. but the oracle of atlantic city previously predicted that rick santorum would drop out just before he did. so maybe the jersey shore ventriloquist dummy is on to something. since trumpstradamus can see into the future please give me another one of his comedians. we will have the comedians' answers and have their answers answers and have their answers when we come back to @midnight.
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wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. >> you know, i do stuff like that and that's why people on reddit tell me to (bleep) off. i read your answers out loud you the audience decide the winner. we told you how the magnificent orange one may be able to see the future, i gave you another one of his predictions and let's check those out, first one. when the time is right my hair self will disconnect revealing the mighty -- pressed right of center will create a sinkhole leading to atlantis! >> chris: that seems reasonable. or, or the world is going to get progressively warmer but not going warming it is because i will turn all of the oceans into luxury luxury jacuzzis.
>> who is number 2? jen kirkman has won the internet. oh, my goodness. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours. we will see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be the sklar brothers and sarah tiana. until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #badtrampstamps and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i am nerdist on the tweets and i am nerdist on the tweets and instagrams. ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪