tv The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore Comedy Central October 2, 2015 5:52pm-6:25pm PDT
launches air strikes in syria. he's really gotten obama's attention. though if you asked me a giant edible arrangement could also have worked. just saying. a lawsuit says donald trump's college trump university may have been a total scamment which probably explains why i'm such a horrible surgeon. (laughter) i didn't know. i didn't know. and former students are suing trump for failing to provide them a real education. meanwhile, millions of inner city kids are like wait, you can sue for that? what the [bleep]! those are stats in america. this is the nightly show! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central
>> larry: man, thank you very much! welcome to the nightly show! i'm larry wilmore. >> larry, larry, lar's! >> larry: i appreciate it. such a good crowd here tonight. man! such an amazing crowd. you know it's a good crowd when you're not going to do any hurricane jokes and they don't care. they just don't care. (laughter) that's the kind of crowd we have, that's the kind of crowd that is tonight. but so you're welcome. >> are you going to do any hurricane jokes? she was so nice, so nice, so nice. i understand, i understand. actually, before we begin, on a serious note, some of you may not know here in the studio audience, there was a terrible shooting at a community college in oregon. and i just want to say our thoughts and prayers are with everybody there. and it's always tough to do comedy in these types of days, but hopefully, you know, we can still be of some comfort to the people out here. so that's our job to do some comedy, so let's try to cheer america up. what dow say?
all right. so let's start our little comedy show here. trouble erupted yesterday any a normally tranquil little hamlet called the middle east. >> russia has lunched its first air strike on extremist targets in syria, including military equipment. >> larry: wait a second. are we about to be in a war with russia? you know, that's weird. because, oh my god there is a tom hanks movie coming out about the united states. have you heard about this, on the verge of war with russia. oh, oh, oh, and last week, this is weird, a movie called the martian came out and then they found out there was water on mars. right? and about a month ago, i'm not making this up, straight out of compton came out, right? and now a black guy is hosting its daily show. what! right? (cheers and applause) >> larry: i don't know, man. yes! yes! this [bleep] is getting weird, is what i'm saying.
and if this theory holds up, and tlses's no reason why it shouldn't, movie trailers could predict our future. oh my god! show us what's next. >> to neverland! we are [bleep] toast! true. starting a little chewbacca there now just because russia is dropping bombs on syria doesn't mean it's all bad. i mean there are lots of awful people in syria we would like to see hit, for instance, isis, right, syrian president assad, who the u.s. desperately wants imremoved. i want to see assad out of the picture for two reason, he is a mad man who massacres his own people and two i can finally ask out his wife without seeming creepy.
mrs. assad -- you you can find asylum in my heart. still creepy, sorry. got a little personal there. but it turns out the russians weren't doing us a favor. >> all indications in the u.s. view that the russian air strijs were an effort to prop up assad, not to fight isis. >> the real target appears to be opponents of syrian president assad, russia's ally, a direct challenge to the u.s. which wants assad out. >> larry: okay. let me break that down for you. aaahhh! yup, putin is stirring up trouble, bombing the very people we're supporting. we all thought the cold war was over but now russia has once again become our biggest problem. man. obama did not see that coming. in fact, you know what, he was so blind to this threat, he actually mocked mitt romney in 2012 for suggesting that russia might be a threat. >> a few months ago when you were asked what the biggest
geo political threat facing america, you said russia. not al qaeda, you said russia. in the 1980s or now, calling that for their foreign policy banks. >> larry: the 1980s called, a bit of nearsighted snobbery there, mr. president, mr. president the 2030s called and everybody is speaking russian. just sayin. all right, let's try and fix this. you know, i got to give mitt romney credit. he called it right on russia, but of course this week's polygamist sect leader warren jeff was accused of abusing two of his kid, all in all kind of an up and down week for the mormons. so what do we do about russia. the white house has reacted by wishfully thinking maybe putin really was aiming at isis. >> too early for me to say exactly what targets they were aiming at and what targets were he ven allly
hit-- eventually hit. >> larry: i haven't seen a statement this lame since whatever matt damon said five minutes ago. (applause) >> larry: just saying. just saying. i'm just keeping a hundred right now. look, the bottom line is putin is looking for trouble. and he doesn't give a [bleep] what anybody is saying. look at the dip lo maltic heads up he gave o bamo on this bombing mission. >> the u.s. got just an hour's notice today with a russian official bizarrely knocking on the door of the u.s. embassy in baghdad with the news. >> they were vents american interference and it also emasculates american influence there. >> larry: an hour? you gave him an hour to get ready? that's even-- disrespect, right? come on, obama. you can't let him do this to you! i mean i get it, it's complicated. nobody wants to fight on syria but we can't just let russia do what they want, i understand.
for more insight on international relations with russia please welcome diplomacying pert regina stalwart. welcome to the show. it is a very complicated situation, i want to know, how should obama handle putin? >> well, larry, there's only one way to handle an ex-kgb guy like putin. the president has to put his dick on the table. (laughter) >> larry: um, i'm sorry, what did you say? >> every president must be prepared to lay his dick down on the table to stand up for what's right. now-- . >> larry: his dick on the table? >> yeah, yeah, seriously. even in world war ii, roosevelt put his dick on the table. and believe me that was no easy feat. >> larry: oh, wow much i'm sure-- i'm sure it wasn't-- object, when you say dick on the table, you do you actually mean --
>> it's a metaphor, larry, like when obama ordered the raid that killed bin laden. >> larry: uh-huh. >> he didn't ask for pakistan's permission, he was too busy putting his dick on the table. >> larry: okay, all right. i get-- i guess that metaphor works. okay. all right so, let me ask you this: so when putin came late to the lunch meeting they had, should obama have put his dick on the table? >> at lunch? (laughter) come on, larry, that's disgusting. >> larry: sorry. i thought we were talking met forically. >> we are. but it's different when are you face-to-face,. it's a diplomatic no, no to go on the table right a what. just show a little tip. yeah. that will ruin his crudite. >> larry: okay, look. all this stuff just seems like silly diplomatic play. isn't there anyway we can just stop our obsession with war.
>> yeah, it's easy. stop letting the world be run by dicks. clears plaus. >> yeah. -- (cheers and applause) >> yeah. >> get rid of the d, get a little v in there. (cheers and applause) you can't spell victory without v. >> larry: should the v ever be on the table? (laughter) >> that's disgusting. >> larry: sorry. just a metaphor. all right. regina stalwart, everybody. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) it's here! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) the most advanced iphone yet. get the new iphone 6s at t-mobile. the network that's double it's lte coverage in the past year.
sorry guys, i need a break. whatever! ♪ hey, outside now! dude! again? ♪ you and me, we're going solo. cigarettes are bullies. don't let tobacco control you. well, well. if it isn't the belle of the ball. gentlemen. you look well. what's new, flo? well, a name your price tool went missing last week. name your what, now? it gives you coverage options based on your budget. i just hope whoever stole it knows that it only works at progressive.com. so, you can't use it to just buy stuff? no. i'm sorry, gustav. we have to go back to the pet store. [ gustav squawks ] he's gonna meet us there. the name your price tool. still only at progressive.com.
his crazy tax plan, being called out on his crazy tax plan, being devoured whole by ben carson. oh, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm being told that hasn't happened. yet. and trump's week is only getting worse. >> donald trump has become the republican front-runner in part because of his reputation as a top businessman who gets things done. but that's also brought unresolved lawsuits, several related to trump university. >> larry: that's right. trump has a university. (laughter) and surprisingly he called it trump university. i did not see that one coming! just like i'm sure trump didn't see two years of ongoing lawsuits coming. now trump university, it only ran from like 2005 to 2010 but remember the mascot, everybody loves that stab feisty, that standing mexican immigrant. oh, yeah, he was so cute, so cute. all right, so what was the deal with it, why did it
fail. >> trump university took in an estimated $40 million. >> it was a classic bait-and-switch scheme t was a scam starting with the fact that it was not a university. >> larry: wait, it was called a university and it wasn't a university? maybe it was ironic. you know like how dr. huxtable isn't really a doctor, es a's my monster. the 54th accuser came out this week. i haven't forgotten about you mother [bleep]! thank you. now trump's lawyer argues that it is unbelievable for anyone to have thought that trump university was a university in the traditional sense. classes were held in hotel ballrooms, after all. oh, okay. so basically trump's lawyer is mocking us for believing trump. all right, joining me to talk pore about this is ex-trump university institute miles fly-shocker. miles, welcome to the show. so miles, what was it like
attending tu. >> larry, it was just like, you know, going to any other college, except they were, no classes, no parties, no buildings, no professors, no campus. >> larry: wait, wait, wait. so how was that just like any other college? >> oh, i'm like 50 grand in debt, so you know, college! you know what i mean. but, i got to say, i got a great education, check it out, i got a diploma and everything, look, i win! i win! >> larry: i don't think that is a real di-- diploma. you say great education, how is that possible. >> come on, larry, i went to school, i learned nothing, i wound up broke, i had to declare bankruptcy, that is a proper education to becoming american. i means that's what it is. this is it. >> larry: that sounds awful. >> only if you don't understand business trump style, larry. okay. and because of everything i lirjed at tu, i've been able to start my own university of engineering and design. and here's the twist.
i don't know anything about either of those things! at all! i mean, but you know what, who gives a [bleep], right? that's actually the motto on the trump university crest. >> larry: okay. you starting your own university wouldn't work. >> no, no, my graduates won't work, okay. it's all square. listen, i am literally not teaching them any marketable skills at all. it is amazing. >> larry: what are you talking about. >> what i am teaching them is how to link their checking accounts to direct deposit to my s-corp. located in switzerland t is simple trumponomics. >> larry: this does not seem legal. are you standing on campus. >> no, i'm in front of a fake background. see how the trees aren't moving. but look, people dumb enough to enroll in my university, they don't notice the details, you know what i mean? look, it's a lot like trump's candidacy. there's absolutely no substance here. >> larry: all right, miles fly-shocker, everybody.
pizza hut has made pizza and breadsticks even more awesome because now they are together as one. and with these two amazing dipping sauces, it got me thinking... everything is better together. woah, we may have a few wrinkles to work out. two times the flavor, two times the fun. bring home the flavor with a twisted crust pizza and two dipping sauces. add a 2-liter pepsi for a buck. only at pizza hut. how's the wife? she's good, she's good.
(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel nightly show distributor jordan carlos. (applause) >> larry: the food and travel show huang's world, and fresh off the boat chef edye huang. and her documentary series this is life with lisa ling airs wednesday at 9:00 p.m. on cnn, journalist lisa ling.
now remember for everyone at home joining our conversation right now on twitter@nightly show using the hashtag tonightly. so as we saw earlier in the show russia has effectively thrown their kielbasa on the table. so here-- so putin, is he testing us? or is he just positioning the big bad russia back on the stage. what do you think he's doing here? >> i feel like putin is just like the mad wrapper-- rap are. he is looking at america. you got-- i'm more [bleep] but then you look at russia. and you're like this is probably the most depressing place in the world i've ever been. >> larry: you've been there. >> i have been to russia. i have also been to scranton, pennsylvania, russia is worse. >> larry: well, i'm not sure how the people of scranton feel about that. >> i mean, i don't know why people are-- are saying that russia is trying to exert itself in that way. i mean russia does face a real threat of extremism in its country. >> larry: absolutely. >> outside of 9/11, we really haven't had major terrorist attacks here in
the u.s., but they have. they've been dealing with chechen rebels for a long time. and according that congressional report that just came out, they're 25,000 foreign fighters that have descended upon syria. and about 200, 250 are from america, but 2,000 are from russia am so they have a real interest in trying to combat isis in syria. >> larry: how much do you think though that it is-- it feels like a lot of this also is putin flexing his muscles, you know. i mean some of it is that. but also a lot of his actions, even just the way he even treats the president, acts around obama. i. >> i feel he is like a lady on instagram trying to get obama's attention. like, you know, putting eggplants on all his not owes and things like that. you know, there's more subtle ways to do it but this is all he knows. you know. and he definitely has our attention now. i think it's a threat definitely to our diva status. >> larry: yeah. >> in the world. because when they did the bombing, we were like oh no you didn't! if anybody is going to bomb syria, it's going to be us.
>> larry: i know. >> you know, like, that's basically what it was. >> larry: the thing is he's not all wrong. he was talking to charlie rose, i think, and he mentioned how when we invaded iraq we destabilized that region, that is correct. >> exactly. >> we love destabling [bleep], we love that. >> look what has happened in libya, and but i kind of think we're a little too sensitive. you know, putin is not-- he's not a warm fuzzy guy. so just because-- . >> larry: is he our friend or our february emmy. >> i think that-- i think that we should have a big, like, edye young festival and everybody do some mollie and-- . >> larry: that say really good idea, that say really good idea, i like that. >> have a party. >> you're saying girl x as ambassador to russia. >> it seems to me, i know america now is exhausted by war. i think this conflict, we have been in it ten years, this to me is at least 100iers before anything gets resolved with the way iraq was dismantled and now syria going that way. >> yeah. >> larry: i mean, what --
>> isn't there a solution in this region do you think? >> my solution, i really look at this way, i really feel like global mobility is a right the people should have. instead of like, there's a problem with assad, he's like a terrible dictator. we don't like assad. the people are victims of crimes against humanity. but instead of going to bomb and starting a war and then like being the world's worst boys and girls club, giving them weapons and training them an having to fight them in five years. >> exactly, so true. >> we should just invite syrians to clearwater, florida, go on the train, they have those ads, visit clear water. give syria clear water. >> it's so true. >> afghanistan is the perfect example. we armed the mujahideen, you know, an once the soviet, once the afghans defeated the soviets, they turned their weapons on each other and at some point turn their weapons on us. so we have to think about the consequences of arming, you know, these groups that may become problems later on for us. >> we're the worst mentor
ins world. >> larry: should we not be the world's police. we're kind of the real superpower. >> our police here suck. we should not-- (laughter) >> we shouldn't be supporting exporting that to other places, cops here love to shoot brown and black people. there's tons of brown people there. >> larry: that's true. >> okay, i've lost the audience. >> there is no easy answer. first of all, when we do our bombing of isis in syria, we have to make sure that the targets that we hit also do not benefit, like taking them out would benefit assad. that's so hard to do. it's like -- >> i would bomb you but no, you know what i mean. >> that is why there could be an opportunity to, i don't want to say ally with russia, but at least come to the table. i mean what about trying diplomacy and trying to ally with, you know, some of the countries that we may have had an adversarial relationship in the past, iran, russia, to fight this common threat. i mean this is -- >> are you talking about talking, talking out our problems. >> it's completely-- a crazy
idea. >> it feels like that has been obama's type of plan, i guess you could say. i'm not sure if there has been a foreign policy plan. but he's only gotten slammed for it. >> yes. >> every time he's tried diplomacy, he's gotten horribly criticized. we're going to have a new president in what, a year. i think diplomacy has gone. >> i think we have to try clear water. >> i mean, i'm very scared that that might happen. especially if your buddy trump gets in office. >> my buddy, yeah, my-- he's my bf. >> your buddy. >> but i feel like right now, what obama is dealing with, and he has to, you know, respond to this, is like if i were obama, like 2016, i feel like he's got senor identity is a little bit. he just wants-- what would you do if you were him. >> larry: what should o obama do. >> personally if i was obama, i would be like this is what i am going to do. i -- we have-- we have made a commitment to our friends.
uh, uh, uh. >> larry: and then you just --. >> and then then it's all over within the whole conflict is gone. >> we need obama to talk pore about this situation so everything can go away. >> he has to do the slow-bama tactic. >> larry: slow-bama, that is the only way to go. all right, we'll be right back after this. >> come see the show, go to the nightly show.com for tickets. [attendant over pa system] welcome aboard folks... just go ahead and take any empty seat you see. [coughing and sneezing] i hope it's not contagious. [playing flute] ♪ so i do have it. ♪ ♪ [music stops abruptly] ♪ when your mom wakes up, can you tell her about me?
it's here! the most advanced iphone yet. get the new iphone 6s at t-mobile. the network that's double it's lte coverage in the past year. our new extented range lte™ signal now reaches twice as far as before. and it's 4x better in buildings. want more? get the lowest price on iphone 6s with trade-in. zero upfront and just 5 bucks a month with jump! on demand™
get it now at t-mobile. we nmy wife just hit a deer. sorry! (upset deer bleats) it was a mistake. look at our car. it has clearly suffered a lot more damage. yes. how did you learn how to drive? guys. (upset deer bleats) guys. guys! small claims court. we gotcha. this guys 5 stars. why don'tcha all come in? excellent perfect maybe we could all go together. whatever you need, whenever you need it, check yelp first. we know just the place. [ scanner beeping ] sir, could you step aside? "sir"? come on. you know who i am. progressive insurance? uh, i save people an average of over $500 when they switch? did you pack your own bags? oh! right -- the name your price tool. it shows people policy options to help fit their budget. [ scanner warbling ] crazy that a big shot like me would pack his own bags, right?
>> october 1, 2015, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, ryan adams is here. ryan adams is here playing from the album "1989". that's right. wow. but first, by now as you may have heard, a few hours ago, there was a tragic event that took place in oregon, and you know, normally in one of these situations i'll just speak from the heart. but, honestly, this isn't a normal situation for me. i haven't had the time to feel, let alone think about everything that's happening. and i'm sure it's true for many people out there. so right now, we can only express our grief for the