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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 7, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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>> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happens on, otherwise known as entertainment -- look at her she's great. and then kristin stuart's face here is focus on the money. think about the money. you're in a prison that lasts about eight years. when you get out there is a lot of money waiting. to celebrate the occasion, the author stephanie meyer will
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rereleis the book with gender flip flops. bella will be beau. eduard will be edythe and jacob will be a lady wherewolf, julie, who is a literal bitch. she wants to make sure bella isn't just a damsel in distress besides a poorly written character. >> i love you. i love you too. now i have [beep] to go through. what's your deal. i love you again. i love you. now you have a baby. now it's eating it's way out. now you're a vampire. [ applause ] >> oeurbgs, my movie. >> the new "twilight" release is a true money grab.
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what's another rerelease for money grab. alexi. >> broleta. >> lord of the bracelets. >> huh-uh. >> sensible bangle. >> right. >> a chunky wristlet. >> kurt. >> moby's dick, the hunt for moby, the musician's penis. [ applause ] >> listen, i have heard rumors it is a white whale. -- @midnight. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> hello. welcome to "@midnight" i'm chris hardwick. are you you. tonight is tag team use it. we have moved to tuesday. [ applause ] >> chris: the @midnight twitter account will have tag team
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players who will be winners. today's comedians are host of and host of i'm boy crazy, alexi wasser. >> congratulations on your engagement. >> chris: yes a person fell in love with me. >> you fell in love. chris: yes, it worked both ways. and you're playing for sara disney at step. >> a new female friend in hot pink. amazing. >> chris: mr. tom lenk. >> it's me. [cheers and applause] >> chris: today mr. tom lenk you're playing for@8awesome. [ applause ] >> alright.
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chris: good performing at mississippi studious and independent in san francisco november 8th, kurt braunohler. >> hello, hello. [cheers and applause] >> he's married. chris: kurt, today you're playing for -- sorenson. >> i plan to nil it tonight. >> oh. >> i'm sorry. >> oh, man. chris: start the program straight from today's headlines, rapidly fresh. alright. congress is sharp inning with baseball bats with nails as they deal with a new partnership deal reached yesterday. to explain this complex story
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let's use cute animal gifts in a segment we call "squee-nn" >> chris: heartbreaking news animal gifts. let's get to it the sweeping 12 country trade agreement, president obama thinks the u.s. and rest of the world will embrace like parrots and tennis balls. >> ahhh. chris: they feel officials have details kept away libeling like apuppy in a pile of stuffed animals. where is he, where is he. there he is. supporters are australian doctors who feel it will be easier to exploit treatments. koalas are also technically from australia. comedians, as a australian tkoblgt what is a urining treatment you want people to know about. >> good day, mate.
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you don't need aa. we will punch the drunk out of you. my australian accents, accent. >> oh my gosh he's so stuffed right now. >> alright mate, i'm going to suck out the poison just be still. nothing bit you, okay i'm going to suck in anyway. >> chris: points, points, points. >> oh, what is that? >> a real little dick. >> is it really? >> like a tin whistle. (whistle noises). >> that's not how i do it. chris: a beach from a meerkat. >> a lot of teeth. [beep] >> ahhh! >> is there another one? [ applause ] >> chris: you get a hundred points for that performance, kurt. spoken from experience kurt
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braunohler. time for our hashtag wars. on this day in 1889 thomas edison screened his first motion picture which involves me talking to you while you smoke weed on a futon. that's right, craig, i can see you. [ applause ] >> you just really ruined craig's night. >> chris: you know there is a super high craig that's like -- oh, man. i knew it, man. [laughing] >> chris: now edison is considered a genius for inventing the light bulb. do you know most of his inventions are the electric pen and cement piano. don't forget about the horrifying talking doll. >> nice. chris: in honor of thomas ed
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sign the nicholas cage of inventers. he is like one out of twenty things was awesome. [ applause ] >> chris: tonight's hashtag is #badinventions. i will put 60 seconds on the clock, begin. >> pubic hair crimper. chris: points. >> lif lystrine eye drops. >> a television with single dot reruns. >> a tub toaster. >> longer pitbull songs. chris: points. >> condom with urethra holes. >> -- antibiotics. >> cinder, the twister for
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fisting. >> peanut butter for your testicles. >> chris: wouldn't that be pea nut butter. >> better and better. chris: send us your hashtags to keep the game going. we will be back with more @midnight. our tweet of the day was sent to so how did you get this gold ps4? so last week i ran into this guy, dimitri two hands... he used to run with the mob. anyway, his goons boosted some bullion from the komarov vault, but the bars were marked so they had to melt them down. now it's in a cook house. if you know the right guys and have the dinero, people are dipping all sorts of stuff in it. that's how. really? 'cuz i heard that you could only win it at taco bell. grab a quesarito or volcano quesarito big box for a chance to win a limited edition gold ps4 bundle. there's a winner every ten minutes. [bong]
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[ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? oh, here, check this out. ♪ [ meows ] temptations. cats can't resist.
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[ meows ] the 5 truth or dare challenge is back. are you game?
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "a. ad @midnight." america leads the world in statistics but with bizarre videos. i have a clip of a foreign music video. for 250 points i will ask you different questions from each one. first nightmare fuel from new zealand. i'm not sure. [laughing] ♪ >> oh, there it is. there it is. >> chris: what is the name of this singer? alexi? >> kim davis. [laughing] >> sorry. whose side are you on? >> chris: points. >> anyways. >> teenage mu atlanta ninja
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squirtall. had to get the squirtall in there some how. >> chris: next up a interlude of heaven from this bollywood classic. [laughing] ♪ [laughing] >> chris: i know we're all really turned on right now. >> aim. chris: if you can just squash your lions down for a second what is the name of this album, tom. >> zoobly zoo the musical but a gritty version of it. you know it's not a hip thing these days. >> chris: you know the comedy central audience does love ben
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vareen. kurt. >> furry party [beep] fest. chris: there you go. next up, these russian ♪ >> you got to love rush. chris: that guy was literally [beep] bearback. [laughing] -- >> chris: who do you think they thank in thei? >> whirlpool for the bareback scene. >> chris: i love that website barebang bust. they pick up stray bears.
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>> the bears don't even get it they don't even get it. >> chris: tom. >> hillary duff. chris: yes, points. alexi wasser. >> my ex-boyfriend, who do you think is in the bear suit? >> chris: points. good. finally a hot serving of beef cakes from japan. ♪ [laughing] >> oh my. >> holler. chris: big fan, big fan. no. [cheers and applause] >> chris: no. what is the name of their fan club, tom? >> tom lenk.
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chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: yes. >> how do you do it, my god. what is wrong with you? [laughing] >> no, no, no. chris: that brings us to the end of trlsd. it's time for the live challenge. the charles xavier zoo for gifted animals. [ applause ] >> that was incredible. chris: will the future charles -- chernobyl was the site of the world's most nuclear accident but 30 years later the wildlife is thriving. lear is a photo from the area where that looks like ted nugget's daughter area for her sweet 16. they say the animals were not affected by the nuclear fallout. that's [beep].
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you know those wolves have glowing laser dicks. don't try to hide your glowing laser dicks from me, wolves. got you. >> my god. >> it seems there is a chance the laser dicks will shoot their own legs off. >> chris: no, they shootout of sink witsync with their step. >> cool. hris: i would of watched "twilight" if that was it that's how you reboot a novel, stephanie meyer. you give your characters laser dicks. "twilight" is the best. i would like you to lead a wildlife tour of chernobyl for curious tourists. curious tourists. we will get more from you after
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curious tourists. we will get more from you after you fifteen percent or more on huh, fiftcar insurance.uld save yeah, everybody knows that. well, did you know that playing cards with kenny rogers gets old pretty fast? ♪ you got to know when to hold'em. ♪ ♪ know when to fold 'em. ♪ know when to walk away. ♪ know when to run. ♪ you never count your money, ♪ when you're sitting at the ta...♪ what? you get it? i get the gist, yeah. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
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i just wasn't feeling that one. let's go! ♪
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the triple choice sale ends soon at sleep train. [ applause ] >> chris: welcome back. before the break i showed i reports that wildlife in chernobyl is thriving. i asked you foyer a taourl of the mutated animal sanctuary. alexi, let's start with you. >> to the left you see chernobyl
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prostitutes. don't ask what -- you will find out soon enough what mutations are. >> chris: tom lenk. >> hello look into the septic tank you will see invisible wolf -- you normally won't see it now you have ability. wolf cubs! [ applause ] >> chris: kurt braunohler. >> razor handed monkey [beep]. he name. [ applause ] >> chris: a thousanyou are all e together. you have to be fast on the buzzard in the third round. the next round. it all comes down to this, you guys. you're neck and neck. it's anyone's game. >> no! chris: it's time to play
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english as a second language. >> chris: after returning from an recent trip to eng-land a visitor put 99 adorable pictures of his visit. so everyone put down their gravy sandwichs and said, he gets us, he really [beep] gets it. >> roads the size of our sidewalks and cake is major food group. his post has been shared by 50,000 times of british football moms in yoga trousers. comedians, as a 66-year-old british facebook user give me observations of the states. >> they have a fascinating dish called a salad. it's mostly leaves. >> chris: points. tom.
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>> their lord and savior is known as bee on bionce. >> chris: thank you,s will doubt fire. >> strange things called dentists. >> chris: points. >> i don't know. chris: yes. >> they call a dust bin a trashcan. and a trashcan, katy perry. >> i love katy perry. chris: tom lenk. >> their king serves chicken fries. huh-uh. >> chris: points. kurt. >> their queen is named latifah. chris: that bring yos us to the end, alexi -- >> you hate woman! chris: he was faster on the buzzard. >> chris hardwick, what do you do now?
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>> chris: i guess notlx be a pie of a male and bring you to the final end -- >> okay. chris: it's time to scare your plumber. it's for the win. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. chris: burger king has announce aid new black halloween whopper turning peoples poops green. here is what was tweeted from one urologist. where is my brown pooh. >> can we see the photo attached? >> chris: now, tom, i will tell i normally, normally we can't put photos of poop on "@midnight." you know this is a public health issue and you're a contestant, a guest, and you requested it. alright well. will show you a picture of the green poop. >> no. chris: there it is. >> now that's a green piece of
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[beep]. >> no. chris: yes. >> dunk it the black burger turned my -- [laughing] >> chris: i would like to you come up with a new slogan for this burger. our comedians answers and a winner when we come back on well, he's leveraged to the hilt. [shrieks] [laughing] avvo? i love baby statues. i love you. aww [grunts as bags hit him] [gasps] avvo. avvo. [gasps] door slam avvo. when you need a lawyer start your search at avvo and find the lawyer who's right for you. avvo. let's find your lawyer. pizza hut has made pizza and breadsticks even more awesome because now they are together as one. and with these two amazing dipping sauces, it got me thinking... everything is better together.
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woah, we may have a few wrinkles to work out. two times the flavor, two times the fun. bring home the flavor with a twisted crust pizza and two dipping sauces. add a 2-liter pepsi for a buck. only at pizza hut. how's the wife? she's good, she's good. there's a network that never stops improving. that's grown faster than any other, covering nearly every american... and these geese. but it's not who you think.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for the win. wipe, wipe, wipe. before the break i asked you for a new slogan for burger king's new black halloween whopper that turns your [beep] green. the black halloween whopper it's not racist we swear. >> chris: or number two. it ain't easy [beep] green. [cheers and applause] > chris: inside i was laughing i said "number two." or number three. burger king [beep] a rainbow. [ applause ] >> chris: sounds like number two
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is the winner. alexi. >> ahhh! (screaming) >> chris: i don't know. i'm excited you're excited. tomorrow our guests will be -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is it. nobody has been this excited. we will see you tomorrow on @midnight. >> for one week only, "tosh.0" is intended for the ladies. enjoy. >> ♪ what are you saying? ♪ that there's another ah! >> #straighthair, don't care. yaaaas! welcome to "tosh.0" ladies night, a female empowerment episode. the glass ceiling has be


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