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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  October 13, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: that's our show! stay tuned for the "nighty show." here it is, here it is... your moment of zen. >> were you stunned? out of the way! stay with us, stay with us, ashley. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: tonightly, "playboy" will stop printing images of nude women, and even more shocking, after 172 years of publications, "the economist" will start. ( laughter ) doesn't make sense. students at u.t. austin will protest their school's open-carry gun laws by strapping illegal dildos to their backpack. ( cheers and applause ) it's true. wow. this is perfect. i've been saying for years that
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the n.r.a. is a bunch of huge dicks. i've been saying that. i've been saying that for years. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) and california officials may allow inmates with violent backgrounds to work as firefighters. in related news,. only you can watch "the nightly show" america, let's do this. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: whooo! thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. jesse ventura joining us on the panel tonight. very excited about that, especially in this political
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season. i'm really excited to talk to him. lots of groundbreaking news coming out of actually the state of california this week. and we mind those stories just for you guys it's time for california's golden nuggets. >> golden nuggets! >> larry: thank you, prospector. okay, first up, racial slur news. >> california is now the first state to ban the use of redskins by sports teams. the governor signed legislation over the weekend barring public schools from using the team nickname. many native americans believe the term is offensive. >> larry: hmmm... because it is. ( laughter ) ( cheers ) but, guys, why has it taken us this long with this particular racial slur? what's our blockage with redskins? why is this still a thing? is it because not everybody finds it offensive. not everybody finds blowing
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cigar smoke in a baby's face offensive. that doesn't mean we should do it. now, some people have argued, "hey, larry, some native americans have said it's okay. we should just let it go." i'm not sure that's an argument, either. i know some plaque people are fine with the "n" word, but i don't know any announcers willing to do a play by play with the ( bleep ). there are probably way too many people who want to call that game now that i think about it. are you kidding me, larry? can i call that game? no, you can't. all right, so good for you, california, for look out for your fellow americans, especially when it was their america first. ( cheers and applause ) all right, all right. more nuggets. >> more nuggets! >> larry: oh, thank you prospector. so the golden state has done the unspeakable-- passed a gun law. >> in the wake of the oregon
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shootings, california has outlawed gubz in schools. governor jerry brown there signing a bill yesterday that forbids people with permits for concealed weapons to carry guns on school and university campuses. >> larry: that seems like a reasonable response to a tragedy. and it wasn't a hard law to pass in california. after all, governor brown wasn't doing something crazy like trying to limit sprinkler usage every other tuesday or vaccinate children, right in ( laughter ) try to get that ( bleep ) passed in california. but, of course, not every state's reaction to these frequent mass shootings is the same. >> tonight in texas air, new law expanding gun owners' rights moving ahead. it allows student to legally carry guns on college campuses. >> larry: i'm sorry, judy, but-- sorry, sorry, judy. ( applause ) ( laughter ) we have a very-- we have a very nice woman in our audience named judy who is from texas. but, judy, this is why we listed
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texas as cray-cray, all right? you have to understand. ( cheers and applause ) i get it. many-- many texans like judy are nice people-- well, you know, that's why we listed it and the fact this is a state who elected as its governor a guy who shot a coyote while jogging. ( laughter ) and, and, lest we forget. a barrel roll cop. >> texas nuggets! >> larry: oh, yes, thank you, prospector. that was a texas nugget. technically. now, this law affects all texas public universities, including u.t. austin. u.t. austin, hmmm. guns and u.t. austin. why does that ring a bell... tower. >> campus carry law, it starts on august 1 of 2016, which is exactly the 50-year anniversary
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of the u.t. tower sniper shooting. >> larry: you're seriously instituting a law allowing guns on campus on the 50th anniversary of america's first mass shooting on campus? are you kidding me? that's like taking silver from ground zero and making commemorative coins out of it. >> it is entirely clad in 24 karat gold and .999 silver recovered from the vault beneath the ashes of ground zero. >> larry: you have to be ( bleep ) kidding me. they did thats? it was the worst thing i could think of. but some students are protesting this-- the law. and while it will soon be legal to carry a concealed gun on campus-- this is true, we're not making this up-- openly carrying a dildo is still considered an obscenity under u.t. rules. so, so, so, to be clear-- ( laughter )
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your fake penis isn't okay but your over-compensation penis is. ( cheers and applause ) tearing it up. so when the campus carry law is implemented some students will protest by strapping gigantic swinging dildos to their backpacks. ( cheers and applause ) i love that. i just love that. i think that's fantastic. i mean, this has got to be the sexiest protest since the million man-scape march. ( laughter ) i was-- i was actually thrown out of that march. well, look, we are in solidarity with you, u.t. and, look, i've got my patented "nightly show" dildo right here. these are-- these are real easy to make, you guys, real easy. all you need is your own dildo.
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then you just find a "nightly show" logo on web-- they're all over the place, print it out, cut it, attach it, and there you have "nightly show" dildo. so make yourself, send us the picture with the hashtag "solidarity dildo." and next year-- and next year-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) and next year, next year, when you guys are marching, we will show all the solidarity dildos, all right? okay. >> last nugget! >> larry: thank you, prospector, thank you, thank you. okay, oh, thanks, prospector. let's see what's next? >> california corrections officers the want to start letting prison inmates convicted of violent crimes take part in fighting wildfires.
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>> larry: wow! these fires must be guesting really serious. look, i totally understand using violent criminals for dangerous mission. that's just "the dirty dozen" right there. spoiler alert-- the black guyidize. sorry. the movie has been out for years. i can-- but haven't we seen enough movies to know it's a risk to february transport violent inmates. hello, con air, anyone? right? ( applause ) alert it's black gy dies. sorry, i know. i guess i get it, but i'm not sure i like it so here to give us their side of the story, however, are two of california's newest firefighters, ruben sanchez and curtis jefferson. welcome to the show, guys. ( cheers and applause ) >> glad to be here. >> thanks for having us, homey. >> larry: no problem. so you guys are willing to do this, to put yourself in harm's way to fight fires. >> absolutely, larry. we're thrilled to pitch in and do our part, you know. >> hey, we just want to repay our debt to society in any way we can. >> larry: that's fantastic.
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it sounds good, but do you guys know anything about putting out fires? >> well, larry, we're not fighting fires directly. that's insane. but we are out here just helping with evacuations and ( bleep ). and a very, very important safety measure for viewers out in california. >> larry: another let, anything in the same of safety, please. >> hey, people of california, listen to me. leave your homes immediately. >> now! >> okay, do not take your valuables. >> leave them! >> as a matter of fact, don't even bother locking up. >> oh, and take your dog. >> yeah, take your dog! >> larry: hold on a second, guys. hold on a second. i'm getting a really bad feeling about this. >> what! you want people to leave their dogs in a fire, larry? >> that's just mean, homey. >> it's just common sense, larry. look, if you lock the house, then we can't get to the people who need help. >> larry: i didn't mean to imply anything. >> listen, larry, this is a life-and-death situation. >> and what do experts say in
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these situations? take your family photographs, do not risk trying to grab anything else. that's all we're saying. >> larry: guys, guys, i get it. that's true. experts do say that. >> larry.>> take your photos ofr ipad, but make sure you leave your ipad. >> that's right. >> and your computers and television sets. >> you don't need none of that. >> none of that stuff. >> larry: that's enough from you guys. ruben sanchez and curtis jefferson, everybody. we'll be right back. >> it's a fire. >> it's so beautiful. ( cheers and applause ) there is a rhythm that beats inside all of us, and it whispers, "be bold. be an artist. a titan of business."
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. starting in mid-october, and
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already department stores are pushing their christmas toys. >> the toy pirate ship is causing controversy this morning. >> i told my son to put a slave cuff around the neck, and then to play with the toy. >> the dark-skinned character has no shoes and tattered pants. >> larry: no shoes and tattered pants? are we sure that is not a yeezus model from kanye's line? why would anyone make a toy like that? >> the maker of the pirate ship, playmobile from germany, said the figure was meant to represent a pirate who was a slave in a historical context. it was not our intention to offend anyone in any way. >> larry: but did you offend people. it wasn't my intention to eat my nephew's entire birthday cake, but i ended up eating it anyway. get over it, jordan. you can stand to lose a few. all right, we wanted to get a real perspective on this
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controversy so please welcome concerned mom cathy phillips. ( cheers and applause ) now, so, cathy, your children are have played with this pirate ship and you say you're concerned, isn't that right? >> i sure am. i'm concerned they're going to take it off the shelves, larry! this toy is great! >> larry: this doesn't make sense. kids shouldn't play with toys that dplorrify slavery. it shipment matter. >> and i suppose you would rather whitewash pirate history. next you're going to tell me you don't think this little guy should rape and pill annual. >> larry: that toy is a rapist? >> yes, but it's a pirate rape. hijinks on the i had seas. he's a scallywag, larry. >> larry: a scallywag? >> yeah. he loves to wag his scally! >> larry: no, no, no. ( cheers and applause ) this toy set just keeps getting worse and worse. >> larry, just because pirates
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were nasty doesn't mean that they still can't be fun. remember johnny depp as captain jack sparrow. he was a filthy, drunken, murdering thief. >> larry: yeah. >> my son loved him. and i would have slept with him. ( laughter ) >> larry: well, this sound horrible. isn't the legacy of pirate ships as bad as any other horrible legacy? >> larry, look, pirates are the last group that can do bad stuff, and we adore them for it. they're lovable. right down to their accents. for instance, could anyone get away with calling you blackie? >> larry: not in this lifetime. ( laughter ) >> exactly. but listen to it with a pirate accent. aaarrgh! hello, blackieee! aaarrgh. aaarrgh. >> larry: yeah, i guess it does kind of seem delightful. i don't know. >> right? >> larry: yeah, i guess. >> now listen to me say the "n"
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word with a pirate accent, aaarrgh -- >> no, no, no, that's okay. cathy phillips, everybody. we'll be right back. [ ding dong ] hey -- little m&m's! wow! great costumes. what are you guys -- like four or five? forty-six. alright, yeah ok. here you go. you don't understand, slick. we're here for the party. whoo! yeah, that's cute! [ laughing ] put your hand down. ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ lunch? ♪ there's a network that never stops improving. ...that's grown faster than any other, covering nearly every american.
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and these geese. but it's not who you think. it's t-mobile. our new extended range lte signal... reaches twice as far. ...and is four times better in buildings. think you know our lte coverage? think again. see for yourself at ( cheers and applause ) >> larry welcome back. i'm here with my panel. he'll be appearing at the kennedy center in washington, d.c., this sunday, comedian seaton smith. ( cheers and applause ) you can see her at the midland theater in kansas city, missouri, on friday, comedian, kathleen madigan. ( cheers and applause ) and he's the author of "american conspiracies," former minnesota governor jesse ventura. ( cheers and applause ) governor. and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag "tonightly." of course, tonight was the democratic debate, and we'll talk about that tomorrow.
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this was the year to me of the unlikely candidate. on the republican side you have a ( bleep ) billionaire. like a crazy black twin separator. and on the democratic side you have the white-haired hippie self-proclaim socialist. they're tearing it up. jesse, you were an unlikely candidate when you became governor of minnesota? >> really. >> larry: you were unlikely. you weren't in the political system-- don't act like you were an exwrestler. >> but i was also an exmayor. >> larry: from your perspective, which of these unlikelies do you think could actually be president? and please don't scare me. >> i would think trump and sanders. >> larry: really? >> possibly. trump because he's got enough money to be able to run. and-- and as much as you dislike him, one of the good things about him is he's not subjected to the bribery that goes on. >> larry: yeah. >> he's doing it with his open money and no one's bribing him so there's not the wizard of oz
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behind the curtain who controls him. >> i want to agree with you. bernie sanders, his policies, predict like $19 trillion over the actual budget now. that seems too expensive. trump, once he's in office, he'll probably go with the budget but once he starts bombing mexico, that's when we'll have problems. >> eventually, if you're trump-- the summertime, it's not serious. even marco rubio said, you know, summer's over. it's time to get serious. i was like, "wow, so you didn't care all summer? you were just at a barbecue-- 'i have a health care plan but i'm eating a hot dog right now and baseball's on'." but eventually trump, even with all the money, eventually he's going to have to say something. you can't just keep saying, "i'm going to hire people." that's what i would say. i'm a jack ass, you can't keep-- >> remember this-- the last national election in the united states of america had only a--
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64% of the people did not vote. that's nearly two-third of the united states people do not even vote. >> right. because they're bored. seriously. >> trump ends the boredom, doesn't he? >> larry: bernie has definitely caught lightning in a bottle, but it seems like a small bottle. how do you think he can make that bottle bigger? it's small because he's-- the gap between him and hillary-- >> don't believe polls. don't believe poll displz i don't believe anything. are you kidding me? >> when i ran in minnesota, they pooh-poohed me, too. but everywhere i went, it's like bernie, 5,000 people here, 10,000 here. rest assured, if they show up to see him live, they're voting for him, because you can see them all on tv. but if you show up live, they're voting for him. none of these other people are getting 20,000 to show up. >> larry: go ahead, kathleen. >> i like bernie because he always looked like he may have
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just been in a car accident. ( laughter ) he's always like, "oh, god." he never has a comb. i don't know what's going-- like, somebody, please, like, help the guy. get him a comb and a hair cut that works. >> larry: i wonder-- we made fun of trump and all this stuff, and i think you're kind of alluding to this-- am i missing the point here? is there something going on in america right now? are we at a moment-- >> it's a revolution. >> larry: when i'm going to be completely wrong about this ( bleep ). i'll be president, trump will be sworn in. i'll be throwing up in my mouth. am i missing a moment? is there a moment happening here? >> we did it all the time with steve forbes-- >> let me throw one out for you to choose on. end of may the libertarians hold their convention and they nominate who they want. >> larry: and who might that be? >> he hieb sitting at the table. >> whoa! >> i haven't done it yet, but
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see, i'm waiting to get the them out, get them down to one so i know who it is. get it down to one on one, and then you slide right in there. okay, let's take, for example -- >> wait, this is your master plan. hold on a second. you're going-- hold on a second. no, no. >> the nomination, right -- >> you're counting on trump to get there so you can out-trump trump? >> no. i want hillary and bush. now, imagine when people go in the voting booth, the disenchanted people, and they see these other democrats and republicans and then all of a sudden they see jesse ventura. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: all right. okay, jesse-- >> i think i might like to vote for him. >> larry: keep it 100, jesse. >> and let me state this-- i won't join the libertarians because they're giving me ( bleep ) -- >> you're going to ( bleep ) right at the nomination? you're worse than trump at this point! >> this is amazing.
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>> okay, if they agree to nominate me, i don't want to join because i want to be able to turn to the people-- >> why would they agree to that? >> because they're libertarians. it's liberty. i know what it stand for. >> larry: i will not run for your party. i will not serve for your party. >> i will challenge the american people to make history and elect the first president since george washington. he's the only one who does not belong to a political party. ( cheers and applause ) would that resonate? would that resonate? >> larry: another one last question, one last question, jesse-- if you ran-- keep this 100-- if you ran against trump, you can beat donald trump? >> yup. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause )
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>> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists: seaton smith, kathleen madigan, and jesse ventura. stay tuned for "@midnight" with my boy chris hardwick. goodnightly, everyone! >> chris: it's 11:59: 59. this happened on cnn today. powerful -- hillary clinton faced off against tjmaxx wizard bernie sanders. [ applause ] >> chris: so he andy other generic w


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