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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 14, 2015 2:35am-3:06am PDT

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want more? get the lowest price on iphone 6s with trade-in. zero upfront and just 5 bucks a month with jump! on demand™ get it now at t-mobile. it's gotten squarer. over the years. brighter. bigger. it's gotten thinner. even curvier.
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but what's next? for all binge watchers. movie geeks. sports freaks. x1 from xfinity will change the way you experience tv. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists: seaton smith, kathleen madigan, and jesse ventura. stay tuned for "@midnight" with my boy chris hardwick. goodnightly, everyone! >> chris: it's 11:59: 59. this happened on cnn today.
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powerful -- hillary clinton faced off against tjmaxx wizard bernie sanders. [ applause ] >> chris: so he andy other generic white dudes in the democratic convention tonight in las vegas. it's all happening and it's her night, it's her night. why is that -- texting him. i think candidates should of spent more time riling up the vegas debate goers. what is something one of these stuffed shirts could say to get sin city louder. >> what happens in vegas desperately tries to win you over in iowa. >> chris: that's right. very much so. ashley.
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>> i'm donald trump. [laughing] >> chris: go. >> two in every pink. one in every stink. >> chris: it's time to start "add midnight" [cheers and applause] ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: that's a lot of pinks to fill, blaine. >> don't write checks your stink can't cash. >> chris: alright i won't. welcome to "add midnight" i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday. [cheers and applause] >> chris: tuesday, no rules. there are, we make them up though. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers at twitter accounts. tonight's comedians are from cave comedy radio, mike
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lawrence. [cheers and applause] >> chris: hi, mike lawrence. today your twitter buddy is -- aka john lewis. >> that or conan o'brien. chris: performing at the oddballssedy festival in houston this weekend is ashley barnhill. [cheers and applause] >> chris: today you're playing for lovealisa. hosting these legendary at the mine in los angeles, blaine capatch. blaine, who do you think you're playing for? >> this great audience.
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chris: no. [cheers and applause] today you're actually playing for imaginecat@imaginecat. >> judging from the picture she has to be about 90 years old. >> chris: here she is, this is what the internet use to be like. [laughing] >> chris: alright. let's quick [beep]ing around and start the show. ripd from today's eupbtser net headlines. it's rapid refresh. the american music awards have been announced. indy darling, taylor swift. she really needs this. the only real competition is shown here on fire i think.
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>> a rare appearance outside of the shire. >> chris: a hundred points for mike lawrence for. that not sure what he was nominated for. maybe the most unsettling ginger category. there he is. this year taylor is nominated for artist of the year, song and album of the year. she has won 16 and if she wins this year she will tie whitney houston. watch out, swiftie is coming after you. here she comes. taylor is a real awards magnet. what are other awards she has won that haven't made the news. >> the charming girl who lives next door and owns her own island fortress. >> chris: yes. points. ashley. >> hottest act to not die in a bathtub. >> chris: alright. alright.
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points. >> chris: blaine capatch. >> noest ass. chris: yes, blaine. >> i can say that. >> that's what the song blank face is about. [ applause ] >> chris: a hundred points for mike lawrence and blaine capatch. okay. kangaroos hate these. gopro. >> chris: [beep] drunk august railians. rams hate them. >> chris: and yes as you might expect rattle snakes hate them.
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>> chris: whoa. [laughing] >> chris: oh. [ applause ] >> chris: i think, i think that's when the robots became self a wader to [beep] their pants. those were clips from three great looking footage movies, i don't know. why are they after animals with drones. this was a private moment for the snakes. it was a snake club. what was happening before they were rudely interrupted by a robot camera. >> they were about to form dick cheney. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> they were voting on which one would be cobra chatter and they couldn't de side. >> chris: points. that's the end of rapid refresh. it's time for tonight's hashtag
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wars. [cheers and applause] canadian day of thanksgiving. they ate goose beaten with hockey sticks filled with beaver eggs and gristle. giving thanks they're not american and have free healthcare. it got us thinking they like stealing our favorite tradition so much. ya, america. what would happen if canadiens ripped off our comic books. tonight's #canadiansuperheroes. that could be hockey eye or drake man. put 60 seconds on the clock. >> batman and doug. chris: points. mike lawrence. >> celine dion incredible hulk. hris: points. >> green card lantern.
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>> magnito canada. >> kids in the hall of justice. chris: points. >> masters of the universal healthcare. >> chris: ya, points. mike lawrence. >> very few black panther. chris: oh, man. points. ashley. >> u.s. military. chris: alright. points. ashley. blaine. >> paul schaefer. chris: points. >> bruce wayne gretzky. >> the fantastic four you yes i'm so nice. >> chris: points. >> the a team. chris: points. that's a great place toned the hashtag wars. send us your hashtags and keep the game going. we will be back with more "add midnight."
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it's from daddy. sfx: dad's voice i love you baby girl. duracell quantum lasts longer in 99% of devices so you can always be there. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "add midnight." it's time to play etsy pitchman. etsy pitchman. you knowy< etsy anyone with a internet connection with sell what they make or antiques. the items are sensible and cute to deviant that sig hundred
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freud would blush. i will show you an item on etsy. i need a marketable tag line to sell it first these mesh tattoo sleeves for babies. blaine. >> make your kid look like a [beep] asshole. >> chris: points. >> these are the bouncers at the nursery. [laughing] >> i got to see some idea you got a tiny footprint. >> chris: all i got is this umbilical cord. >> alright i remember you. get in here. >> chris: ashley. >> dress like the deadbeat dad they have never met. >> chris: points. yes, yes. >> once papa and the other one is roach. [laughing] >> chris: mike lawrence. >> when you want to look like you manage the strip club your mom works at.
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>> chris: yes, points. points. >> -- the cloner is a success. chris: next one this handmade felt bearded princess leia costume. >> you know 'cause of reasons you buy it. mike lawrence. >> because there is more than one way to abuse an animal. >> chris: points. ashley. >> something for your lizard to wear before it kills itself. [beep] >> chris: alright. points. >> chris: blaine. >> perfect for protecting your hands when you [beep] i gun as. iguanas. [ applause ]
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>> i'm surprised it doesn't say one size fits all. >> chris: that's so good mike lawrence, you get a hundred points for. that next one this. life like reborn baby. oh. still not creepier than the first two. mike lawrence. weufrpblts produce something special because you can't. >> chris: oh. points. >> -- from italy. mama, mama. hey mama. i so hungry, mama. i eat your -- mama. ahh ahhh ahhh. a mario. [ applause ]
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>> chris: mario and toad had a child. [laughing] >> chris: ashley. >> finally a baby you can leave in a hot car. >> chris: yes, points. that's really -- >> the baby is like, come back don't leave me at walmart. >> don't worry, mama. you can't break me like you broke the other one. >> that was designed by a w gepetto file. >> chris: a hundred points for that. next one. how about this old timey photograph of a real dead nun. >> ya, look at. that let's blur her face out so she's not embarrassed. >> chris: blaine. >> perfect for rubbing one out to a dead nunn.
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>> chris: points. >> i see you have met my mother. [laughing] >> chris: mike lawrence. >> you can cast the liquor wherever you want. >> chris: oh, no. that brings us to the end of etsy pitchman. it's our live challenge. is pepsi okay? is pepsi okay? >> chris: pepsi china is planning to make their own smart phone. never as a chinese kid you have been more conflicted. they love pepsi but hate making smart phones. prove me wrong. okay this isn't the most bizarre move. last year this surfaced.
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this is the face of pepsi in singapore. a bunch of people at the pepsi singapore office were like let's make a gay sourcerrer rob snider our spokes magician. who is this gee, what does he want? comedians, please introduce comedians, please introduce yourself in a pepsi singapore
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to the "@midnight" program. before the break i showed you this image and i asked you to intro your selfs as a goateed
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bombshell in a add for pepsi singapore. >> hi i'm jeff miagi. my brother came to teach boys about the mystique arts of karate and car polishing. i stayed to play the dragon flute and i turn angry. >> chris: i'm sold. ashley. >> hi i'm vaughn did. you know if you hold this can up to your ear you can hear my dad commit ritual suicide. [ applause ] >> chris: blaine capatch. >> hello. put your penis in my mouth to break the spell. [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: alright. a thousand points to blaine. 500 to ashley. 250 to mine lawrence. our next game, game doody
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stench. fun fact about donald trump glad there is one. he's the first presidential candidate with his own line of fragrances. one of the many ways to teleshouldn't be president. when you underestimate what an asshole he is, one fragrance is called, success. inspiring blend of jet fuel, cat [beep] and nanny tears. [laughing] >> chris: so you can smell like a questionably manly apocalyps. i will show you a vote oaf a so-called presidential candidate -- oh, it's skin colored. when you put it on should you be like this -- [laughing] >> chris: success. [cheers and applause] >> chris: comedians i will show you a photo of a so called presidential candidate i want you to describe what their
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fragrance would smell like. first one. mike lawrence. >> the garbage can he lives in on sesame street. >> chris: next ted cruise. >> gay porn and kreupb cankles. chris: [beep] chin cankles. next up. >> basic bitch for men. chris: points. next. hillary clinton, mike lawrence. >> loveless marriages have no smell. >> chris: points. jeb bush. mike lawrence. >> the smelliest bush in all of florida. [laughing] >> chris: there is more. looks like there is more. >> i know i was born in florida. chris: alright. points to mike lawrence. that brings touts end of game doody stench. ashley barnhill you're in third place. i'm sorry we have to eliminate you. do you have last words for these
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people before we send awe way. >> i guess i should of worn glasses. >> chris: everyone should check you out on the oddball tour in texas this weekend. ashley barnhill everyone. good night. [ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to take your airbrush and go home. it's for the win. [ applause ] >> chris: the magazine that brought us the sexual revolution brought us a startling revolution. starting in march playboy will no longer feature nude women. >> chris: huhugh hefner seen hee impersonating beef jerky on a nautical vacation. ' proved the bill he thought he was signing a receipt for boner
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pills made of baby tigers. i want to you write a letter to the editor about no longer featuring nude women. featuring nude women. we will have your answer when we bill's got a very tough 13lie here...... looks like we have some sort of sea monster in the water hazard here. i believe that's a "kraken", bruce. it looks like he's going to go with a nine iron. that may not be enough club... well he's definitely going to lose a stroke on this hole. if you're a golf commentator, you whisper. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. this golf course is electric...
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so i need to collect your phones so you can't post pictures. [screams] okay, how does it feel to not be connected? my chest hurts. well let me give you your phones back. [laughing] let me show you a better way to keep connected. the 2016 chevy cruze offers built in 4g lte wi-fi ® that connects up to seven devices. so this thing puts out its own signal? yes. what? this is next level chevy.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight" it's time for the win. i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers allow. you the audience will decide on the winner. i told you about no more naked ladies in playboy. i asked you to write a letter to the editor. let's see what you wrote. the first one. dear playboy you were the leader
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of porn and sophistication. now i have to learn to spell interracial with two rs. [ applause ] >> chris: or dear playboy it's sure weird typing with two hands. [cheers and applause] >> chris: number. two who is number two? blaine capatch. well done, slenderman. you -- are both winners. see you tomorrow night. until then keep the hashtag up. good night. >> this features videos from the internet and is intended for a


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