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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 16, 2015 2:35am-3:06am PDT

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larry: that's ou our show, iwan, holly walker, grace parra and raul de >> chris: this happened on nex flix.com. neem defines inthirnt slang for inviting someone over for sexual purposes. in my day, we'd say let's make5 it a blockbuster night. ( cheers and applause ) come over and watch a videotape.
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and you'd get a sloppy hand job during "flight of the navigator." finish up, clean off your parachute pants and rewind the tape to avoid the charges. then you realize you were all alone the entire time. i think i can officially pronounce the terms netflix and chill dead because there's now a netflix and chill condom. there it is. the first condom designed to catch your live stream. thank you. >> i like that. i like that. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: and three colors. perfect for binge ( bleep ). halfway through, netflix will say are you still ( bleep ) here. here are some other things you might like. i firmly believe this is the worst internet cash-in product since the keyboard cat fleshlight which doesn't exist
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unless you donate to my kickstarter. guys? guys? come on. comedians now that netflix and chill is dead, what will you be saying to talk potential partners into sexual. >> do you want to come over and watch porn? actually, i might not actually need you to come over. >> chris: all right, perfect. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: dan soder, go. >> do you want a pen pal and play? >> chris: all right. morgan murphy? >> want a finger during "hannibal?" >> chris: you can't, it's canceled! damn it! all right, i guess just fingering then. it's time to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: hello. welcome to "@midnight," your new pickup phrase.
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i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: from "the bonfire with big jay oakerson and dan soder," every monday and wednesday on siriusxm's comedy central radio, big jay oakerson and dan soder are here. her comedy album "irish goodbye" is available on itunes, morgan murphy is joining us again. perfect. perfect. let us start this ( bleep ) for a thursday night. it the time to spoon out the eyes from the skull of the american electoral process and gently make love to the void that remains. it's "panderdome." ( cheers and applause ) i have to say one of the creativity moments from the debate-- i don't know if you saw this, but this just sent a chill down my spine. this is candidates were asked to name the enemy they were most proud of making in politics, and haunted hanoi baked ham jim webb
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fired this. >> i'd have to say the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded me, but he's not around right now to talk to. >> god knows he's in my dreams. every night. >> chris: the only thing that would bring me more sexual gratification than watching the the the life drain from another man's eyes is becoming your next president. ( cheers and applause ) comediennes, now that jimmy crack mind has established that he's a super bad-ass, who has no problem murdering people, what's he going to say to top himself at the next debate? jay? >> i don't think he's going to say anything. he's going to load one bullet into a revolver, spin is three times, put it down, "your moof, anderson cooper."
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>> chris: points. yup. dan. >> i came here to do two things-- chew bubblegum and talk about the guys i killed in vietnam vietnam, and i'm all done talking about the guys i killed in vietnam. >> chris: points. points. moving on. mike huckabee, who looks like he's stuck in the middle of the tim allen to santa claus transformation montage-- 30%, 40% of the way through-- he is polling at less than 3% for the g.o.p. nomination. in one of many desperate attempts for attention in the age of trump, sandy hook he released this video on twitter: >> washington, it's a strip club. dances for the donor class. and the working class get stuck with the tab. >> "stuck with the tab." >> chris: i feel so bad that poor stripper wasn't able to save enough for retirement. >> the voiceover from that video
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sounds like vincent donofriofrom "men in black." ( cheers and applause ) >> "i didn't realize this was a tow-away zone!" >> chris: comediennes let's say washington actually was a gentlemen's club, what would be a strip club d.j. intro for a presidential candidate? >> those aren't vainy sock tassels. they are bernie sanders' nuts and they are off limits on the the main stage. ( applause ) >> chris: dan soder. >> he's boring on the mic, but a freak on the pole. keep it going for the crazy jeop bush. >> here's one bush that's not jaded. >> chris: morgan murphy. >> this next guy is the ( bleep ) worst.
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give it up for donald trump! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: the only stripper that will try to ( bleep ) you first. that is the end of "panderdome." it's now time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." ( cheers and applause ) guys, it was recently the birthday of thomas crapper, the british plumber who popularized the modern toilet. let's be mature about this. ( laughter ) without old tommy crap, we would be crapping willy-nilly in the street, and also not calling it crapping. so to celebrate the slush tastic fellow tonight's hashtag is #crapperbooks, #crapperbooks. examples might be, i know with the aged turd stinks. or brown eggs and ham. i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. dan. >> shard of darkness. >> chris: points. >> the diarrhea of anne frank.
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>> chris: points. morgan murphy. ( cheers and applause ) morgan. >> david flopper field. >> chris: points. >> one fish, two fish, two >> chris: yes, points. was that the "cat in the scat?" morgan. >> harry potter and the picture of the giant ( bleep ) he sent to ron weasley. ( laughte ( laughter ) laug>> chris: it he send it via owl? >> he was like, you, too. >> chris: come on, you guys. i'll take it but i'm not a fan of this. dan. >> to kill a mocking turd. >> chris: yes, points. jay. >> much adduce about nothing.
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>> chris: that is an excellent place to end the harb. send us your #crapperbooks and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." so this is kind of a fun thing.
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tow celebrate the 164th anniversary of mobey dick this weekend our team is reading the entire book from start to finish. they started this morning, and i refused to let them stop until they finish the whole goddamn thing. check it out on "@midnight" periscope account. get there quickly because they'll only be reading it for, i don't know, another 15 hours. i'm not wearing a watch. now it's time to play "this ain't @midnight: an xxx parody." as long as there have been movies, there have been poor knockoffs. i'm pretty sure there was a porn pardie of the silent film of the train charging at the screen. just a guy ( bleep ) train. but in recent years, internet has led to a version of literally everything. i'm going to show you a clip from a xxx parody and you answer
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the question. first up, what is the deal with "seinfeld xxx." >> what is the deal with double penetration. i can't get the single down, let alone double. >double. >> chris: what is an episode story line from "adult seinfeld?" morgan murphy. >> i think kramer comes over to eat all jerry a cereal out of elaine's butt hole. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: points. next one, next one. "guardians of the galaxy" was chris pratts' breakout role. what would nard begans of the galaxy mean. >> it happens to be the universe's largest living dildo. >> i am growing. >> also known as star load. >> chris: first of all, i
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mean, they nailed the effects. i thought i was watching "guardians" for, like, 30 seconds. marvel movies always have a post-credit scene. what's the post-credit scene in this movie. >> black widow's other hammer. >> chris: all right, points. i don't know if that would be accurate. i heard thor likes to ride the rainbow bridge. morgan murphy. >> rocket raccoon comes over to eat cereal out of bruce's butt hole. ( cheers and applause ) yes? yes? >> chris: next one. they made almost 30 seasons so the simpsons porn parody might as well be an actual episode of the simpsons. >> oh. really brings out the yellow in my skin and the the blue in my hair. >> you might say she's prime real estate.
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>> mmm, prime real estate. >> chris: have any of you guys seen it? >> why is he doing porn? he looks like an improv student. >> i'm on level 200. >> chris: who are some of the residents of triple x. springfield. morgan? >> gage simpson? >> chris: dan. >> auto the bang bus driver. >> chris: yes! he totally would be! ( applause ) hey, i see my date arrived! >> all right! >> chris: points to dan. jay. >> a poohon your chest. ( applause ) >> chris: thank you. come again. next one, remember edward scizzer hands. i'm assuming stars johnny death penalty. check this out. >> edward, how do you like your suit?
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>> does he have to stay with us? >> he's disgusting! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: now, i know it looked like he was wounded in nan, but actually it's like a dong on each hand. and he can't-- so he's trying to eat but then-- >> what if he gets something stuck in his tooth? get up in there! >> chris: this was from, like, the 90s. this was one of the original pornz. >> does does he have wrist nut glz he does not have wrist nuts. what's another tim burton porno? jay. >> sweaty todd, the demon bottom of fleet week. >> chris: yes, points. that was very well played. dan soder. >> anal juice.
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>> chris: yes, points. say it two more times. >> anal juice, anal juice. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: morgan murphy. >> the nightmare before aids test. >> chris: time for our live challenge. trying to make our lives better we saw this on r get motivated. it's called fox type that can help you make your e-mails more polite. type in questionable text and it will give awe politeness scores. here's a phrase i often use in business e-mails. hey, girl, why don't you let me get a face full of that ass. i see they have deemedñ this impolite. maybe the more neutral praising will work. hey, girl, why don't you let me get a look full of sex.
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hey, girl, would you be so fine as to place your dumper in my face? well, that's a score of 73 out of on 100. i'm going to give each of you a familiar crude phrase and your job is to clean it up. we'll get your swafers the break. we'll be right back with more "@midnight."
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hello, ladies. do you want your man to smell... bear glove! ...like sophistication? bear glove! then try old spice swagger. bear glove! [repeatedly] i apologize. he means bear glove! no i don't. bear glove! stop it. [old spice whistle]
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." i asked you to use it to clean up some famously tasteless quotes. jay, how did you take the edge off of santa claus is a fat bitch. santa ( bleep ) you because you're a ho. >> i'm jewish so i'm not a fan of santa but i'm also fat so i
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can't really throw stones. and the nice thing about hoes is they will ( bleep ) you no matter how fast and jewish are you. >> chris: still relatively impolite somehow. dan, let's see how you made out with, "i've had it with these ( bleep ) snakes on this ( bleep ) plane." >> i hate to be this guy but is there something we can do about all the snakes on this plane? >> chris: oh, that's relatively neutral. you got 60 out of 100. >> i don't want to be pushy. ( applause ) >> chris: morgan, your challenge was girls walking around with a scalp smelling like goat ass. >> goats walking around smelling like girl ass. that's a compliment. >> chris: still relatively impolite, unfortunately. so i think the fairest thing to do is just give everyone 1,000 points and move on to the next game. >> what!
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>> chris: you know what, dan, you know what, dan? you're right. yours was actually-- you did get the highest politeness scale. i'm going to give you an extra 100 points. >> thank you! >> i don't like that one bit. >> you have to beg, jay, you have to beg. >> chris: i'm going to give you an extra 100 points you whiney ( bleep ). >> softep the blow for me. >> chris: it's time for nomedeplumage. recently, 211 new species of animals were discovered in the eastern himalayas, including this horror show. thanks to scientists we know this is a snub-nosed monkey and not a skeletor nay fur coat. not allab mals are so easy to identify. comedians i'm going to show you a photo of an animal and tell me its name. first one. dan. >> the old dick-tongued gerbile. >> chris: points.
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next one. next one. >> octo-cat. >> chris: yes, points. next one. morgan. >> that is the shaved jay oakerson. >> no! no! no points for that. >> chris: points. next one. jay. >> that's the twins from the shining ferris. >> chris: last one, last one. dan. >> that's the llama dressed by his mama. >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of nomedeplumage. i see that big jay oakerson you're in third place. but you know what, you guys are a team. i can't break you up. let's everyone go to "for the win." >> yes! >> chris: thursday, fridays, fridays morning. that means it's time to cast in
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your ski ball tickets. it's "for the win." i'm about to make your lives a little bit better because for years mankind has spent many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering what does the "e" in check e. cheese stand for? you can get much-deserved rest thanks to twitter user @joecarnegie. we know chuck e. cheese's full name is charms entertainment cheese. there it is. charles actually reveals that he was born in new jersey, right here. also, he was rude in 1977. but, you know, then he went through his sarcastic phase of the early 90s and came around and became polite again.
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i want you to tell us another little-known fact about chuck e.
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is there welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for, for the win. before the break i asked you to tell me another little-known fact about charles entertainment cheese. let's see what you came up with. first one. he's a rat but he's hung like a horse. ( cheers and applause ) number two: in 2012 he disowned his daughter for ( bleep ) rick and the jug player from the jam boree band. ( cheers and applause )
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or number three, number three: he also was the 87th cosby victim. i think number two was better. who was number two. we'll see you all monday night, when our guests will be kevin smith, robert kirkman and scott aukerman. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #crapperbooks and become monday's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. i'll see you sunday on talking dead and in boise fridays. [ hip-hop music plays ] ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ [ echoing ] brooklyn, brooklyn, brooklyn, brooklyn ♪ ♪ spread love, it's the brooklyn way ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ brooklyn, brooklyn, brooklyn, brooklyn ♪ ♪ spread love, it's the brooklyn way ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

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