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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  October 20, 2015 2:05am-2:36am PDT

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>> tonight, donald trump and jeb bush call each other pathetic over twitter. guys, stop arguing. in this case you're both right. donald trump says he would have stopped 911 if he was president. true, osama bin laden would have said, america's destroying itself. call it off, guys. and retailers in dc are using an ap called group me to racially profile shoppers. this is not the reason we wanted black emojis. let's do it, america. this is "the nightly show." [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central
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yes, thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show." appreciate it. so kind. was that a rebel yell? what was that back there? not sure. suddenly it's 1865. i'm larry wilmore and rapper, writer rory is joining us tonight and he'll be performing. stick around for that. first our top story there's a big fight between top gop candidates. that means let's get the latest
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on the race to the white house. i love that music. all right. donald trump not content with attacking jep! decided to give jeb's brother a jab! . >> when you talk about george bush say what you want the world came down during his time. >> hold on, you can't blame george bush for that. >> he was president, okay. [laughter] >> trump/leno impression is coming along nicely, right? he was president. bush did 911. all right. so what was jeb's response to trump's allegations against the "w." >> my brother responded to a crisis and he united the country and organized the country and
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kept us safe. the great majority of americans believe that. >> larry: um, are you serious? also why are you shaking your head the entire time you're answering the question? right? right? i mean, it's almost like your head can't contain the [bleep] your mouth is spewing. i'm completely qualified to be president of the united states. and my campaign is only going up from here. all right. i'm not saying jeb bush doesn't believe what he's saying, i'm saying his body doesn't. [laughter] >> that's why his mouth can't help but stammer when he says [bleep] like this. >> does anyone blame my brother for the attacks on 911? >>
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>> larry: no, i would never blame your brother for the 911 attacks, no, no, no. but continue your point mr. exclamation. >> they're totally marginalizing our society. it's what he does after that matter. >> larry: what he did afterwards is the only thing that matters, afghanistan, iraq, gitmo. he basically created the first five seasons of "24." right? [cheers and applause] i get it he's your brother and you're trying to downplay his role in the tragedy understand. just like you shouldn't be responsible for him being president for that shady week in
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florida but i digress. donald trump went so far as to suggest by his immigration policies he would have prevented 911. >> i doubt the families -- those people would have been in the country. >> larry: yep. his immigration form is one question. if you check yes, you're not getting in, buster. can i say something, it's easy to say what you would have done to stop 911 now, right? in fact the whom whole looking back is the latest example of a phenomenon i call hypothetical heroics. when people try to take credit for how brave they would have been. you heard people say that
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[bleep] like in 2012 when mark walburg bragged about what he would have done had he been on one of the 911 planes he said if i was on the plane with my kids it wouldn't have gone down like that and we'll land somewhere safely. don't worry. oh, markey, mark, mark. you would have -- you couldn't even stop the "entourage" movie from happening. in fact you couldn't stop the happening from happening. running from the wind. what kind of [bleep] is that? you know what i would have done if i was there? i would have worn like a wind breaker. stupid. okay. now in a more recent example of
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hypothetical heroics ben "droopy the dog" would have said he would have stopped the shooting in oregon. >> i would have said he can shoot me but he can't get us all. >> larry: everybody he may shoot me but he can't get us all. boo. but black droopy knows how to be a bad in the face of dane der >> a guy comes in and puts a gun
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do my ribs and i said i believe you want the guy behind the counter.ñi >> larry: i believe that you want the guy behind the counter. i do believe i'm the hero of the story. you're idea of heroism is to go straight, "go kill that guy. " according to ben carson star wars is about c3po. guys. tragedy and triumph will happen and if you're in that seat you'll get blamed for stuff that happened and credited for stuff that you shouldn't do so if they'll blame obama for benghazi you have to accept the fact that george w. bush is blamed.
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it doesn't matter what it is if you're in that seat you get blamed. there's an interview on the nfl network that took place in the long term and heading to the showers and in the background they were like busting dongs flying all over the place. butts and dongs. do i blame the nfl network? no. i blame obama. he's the president. his fault. right? it's not only the bus that stops with him it's also the butts and dongs. we'll be right back. squire?! what beer may i fetch you, my lord? umm...
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>> larry: welcome back. writer, comedian rob wells and his new album rapper and singer-songwrite singer-songwrite singer-songwriter rory and you can join our show on twitter using the #nightly. we heard about an app called operation group me and they came under fire because it lets stores in georgetown shore information and most were
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african american and only 5% were arrested for crimes. why are we so suspicious. >> we can't help it. we keep doing suspicious stuff like waking up and walking into people's stores. how dare we. >> how dare we. >> how dare we try to shop. it's amazing to me. >> i think it's highly unfair but i honestly think it's like roots back to all the stories like going back to the lion king and scar face where the bad guy's the black guy. the in -- innuendo that black is bad. >> does it sound like a racist app? >> it's fully a totally -- >> i don't think it's just a bad
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attempt to protect -- like i'm all for -- >> shop owners trying to protect your business. >> you have a business and you want to protect against theft. they're just doing it wrong. they need to do it like the stores in my neighborhood. okay. now, what they would do if -- >> you get shot? >> no, only worse. if they caught somebody shoplifting they'd take a picture of you with the [bleep] you stole and put it on the store and so you walked in you would say oh, steve stole meat again. >> he's shoplifting. >> everybody needs know your a thief and i wouldn't call the app racist but just like trump's like -- it's just a reflection of america and how people really think. it's a deeper problem than just the app. >> the app's aren't inherently bad but it want to do good.
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>> i can't help itself but being bad. >> it can't help it. >> it's a reflection of how some people in america feel or maybe the majority of the people that have those apps. >> what if we had an app. what if black people had an app that told us places to avoid because they don't like negros there. >> you mean like america? >> not everywhere. >> there would be like we're undesirable there so we call it cracker shack. >> larry: hold on. >> or caucasian invasion. >> larry: i'm just saying if you're going to -- >> i don't want to avoid white people. it helps you avoid racist white people so you would type in hey cracker tracker, is it cool for
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me to shop at -- [multiple chatter] >> like, hey, cracker tracker is it cool to shop atted for 'at nordstrom and it would be like, negro, please. put the socks back. >> i have to read some of the -- not tweets or some of the i guess maybe they are tweets or texts they share. here's the first one. it says and there's an african american male 6'10", looking suspicious. >> what's he looking for, really? i'm interested. >> i don't care if you're white or black, tattoos on your neck, white or black i'm suspicious. a neck tattoo is scary. >> not at all.
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it's the pretty woman principle. where it's just like you can't be in the same store if you don't look like you belong there and i feel like that black man can't walk because he can't go back into the store and then say, big mistake, huge. like he can't say -- he can't do that. >> larry: this is hilarious. suspicious shoppers in store, three females, one male, strong smell of weed. all african americans. help, please. "help, please." >> how much damage can they be doing in the store? like the suspicion of them smelling like weed but people are judgmental. it doesn't mean they're toting a gun. >> larry: i can understand why they'd be upset. it's a strong smell of weed. >> they're looking for snacks. >> larry: this one's completely
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bizarre. these are actual ones we didn't make these up. african american male and female 6'2", broad shoulders. every word is racist and offensive. if you're going to be racist, go hard or go home. don't punk out about it. if you're going to be racist, no, don't try to clean it up. don't punk out on your racism. go hard or go home. we'll be right back with a performance by rory.
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♪ ♪ ♪ advil pain relievers are used by more households than any other leading brand. to treat their aches and pains more people reach for advil. relief doesn't get any better than this. advil.
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>> welcome back. i'm so excited to have this guy be our first muse iccal guest and here to perform "fly." give it up for rory.
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[♪] ♪ it's the holder of the gun could be held could be black or white ♪ ♪ but when the deed is done it's done ♪ ♪ we have it ♪ and when the rising of the sun for positivity there's a target on my back ♪ ♪ and yes i hope one day we'll fly ♪ ♪ if i hope one day we'll fly ♪ i pray the kids i have are safe ♪ ♪ i hope one day we'll fly
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♪ i hope we fly ♪ i hope we fly ♪ i hope we fly ♪ i hope we fly ♪ a man should kill no man on no condition ♪ ♪ so i will never understand ♪ and kill the innocent you are
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wrong ♪ ♪ if the devil walks the world that's what's around you ♪ ♪ if you look into your phone ♪ because we all have lost control ♪ ♪ and yes i hope one day we'll fly above the things that make humanity divide ♪ ♪ yes i hope one day we'll fly ♪ i pray the kids i have will have better days than mine ♪ ♪ i hope one day we'll fly nor the ones that died and for the winds that died ♪ ♪ ♪ i hope we floi. ♪ i hope we fly ♪ i hope we fly
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♪ i hope we fly ♪ lord, save this burning earth and help humanity. breaking and damaging everything in its way it's child will be raised on mcdonald's and gasoline water. these day from all the daughters our sons no know father and ozone is a word no longer brought up. god bless the world that believes all we need is love. as we slow dance in the burning room i can only relax to turn up the tune and save yourself first in this burning earth. [cheers and applause]
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[attendant over pa system] welcome aboard folks... just go ahead and take any empty seat you see. [coughing and sneezing] i hope it's not contagious. [playing flute] ♪ so i do have it. ♪ ♪ [music stops abruptly] ♪ when your mom wakes up, can you tell her about me? she'll use that educationing to get a job.
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she'll use that job to buy a home. this is lilly baker. her mom just refinanced their home and is putting an extra $312 a month toward lilly's tuition. lilly is about to take over the world. who's with her? buy in. quickenloans/home buy. refi. power.
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>> larry: notice our show. i >> larry: that's our show. i want to thanks our guests and stay tuned for "midnight" good night everyone.
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it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on usatoday.com today. the new trailers for "star wars: the force awakens" aired tonight during "monday night football". i would just like to say (bleep) you into tricking me into watching sports! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: how dare you! how dare you play with my emotions that way. but actually "star wars" is actually a lot like football, it's all about men in helmets getting head injuries. sunday we finally saw a new poster which is amazing. oh, man. look at that. han, the leia, and the deadlier star hat back there. i hope they fixed that strength issue up there. >> but again it was -- i feel like it was kind of a weird choice to reveal

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