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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 20, 2015 2:35am-3:06am PDT

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it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on usatoday.com today. the new trailers for "star wars: the force awakens" aired tonight during "monday night football". i would just like to say (bleep) you into tricking me into watching sports! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: how dare you! how dare you play with my emotions that way. but actually "star wars" is actually a lot like football, it's all about men in helmets getting head injuries. sunday we finally saw a new poster which is amazing. oh, man. look at that. han, the leia, and the deadlier star hat back there. i hope they fixed that strength issue up there. >> but again it was -- i feel like it was kind of a weird choice to reveal the trailer
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during monday night football. when you think "star wars" you don't immediately think screaming new york giants fanatics. i feel it is kind of like running hungry man ads during project runway. there was dissonance to me. so comedians -- [ cheers and applause ] >> chris:. >> fight for your chicken fried steak. >> comedians what ask an even less expected commercial placement we might see, kevin smith, go. >> during football? into sure. >> conjunction junction. >> chris: robert kirkman. >> how about an ad aimed at people who like chris hardwick that airs during talking dead. >> chris: that's a great idea. that would be -- the oh, you son of a bitch, you are my boss so i have to agree with you! scott aukerman, go. >> how about ads during
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entourage for basic human decency. >> chris: all right. perfect. perfect. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris:. >> or ads for sporting goods during @midnight! let's start the program! [ cheers and applause captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to @midnight. the i am chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are, what a frigging rock star panel, from "comic book men" sundays on acm, kevin smith ask here! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: i would like to point out, man, that just look at this panel, this is like a bye curious gay fantasia. >> me and kirkman, two bears, 2 twinks -- [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, my gosh. >> chris: and creator, executive producer and writer of "the walking dead", sundays on
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amc, robert kirkman is here! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: from come difficult bang bang thursday on ifc, scott aukerman is also here! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris:. >> thank you. >> chris: let's start the program. ripped from)a today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: i am sure we all remember where we were a few weeks ago when announced on facebook he was no longer best friends with flow us the ear. >> well, in that post that shook the world not only did he discover bff affair but also publicly declared someone to be his new bff, what became these two legendary best friends, money, women, power, cologne? salmon? the and then just as
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we were practicing, asif-salman, we heard the greatest news of someone, friendship regained with mudasir! seen here mending their ties on the, on the star trek pleasure planet. >> guys, i love it when friendship regained, nobody is happier for astiff and us and the makers of patient. what did they do to renew friend ship? >> the apologize. not everything is a joke. >> chris: you are right. sometimes friendship -- points for scott aukerman. >> maybe he explained how sex works. >> chris: okay. points, points. moving on, according to
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matchable in an effort to repair relations with north korea, china has made it illegal to make fun of kim jong un. which means he is free to dress up like a lego version of eleanor roosevelt without fear of ridicule. finally, stricter chinese internet guidelines! oh, now, previous searches for kim jong un memes turned up over 15 million results like this innocuous photos of the dear leader bent over a hotel mattress, i don't know go what you request do with it but the internet had its way with it. and then this happened. if you know he wants it. he really wants it. you do not want to get sent to one of those north korean twerk camps. but since the ban on jokes about the murderous albino panda bear were put in place, searches now turned up zero results on weibo, which is like twitter that will execute you. so this is just the latest in a long line
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chinese restrictions on free internet speech so employed imranls what's something else you are prohibited from making fun of in china. >> the low rates of child unemployment. >> chris: see, i didn't have to pretend to laugh extra hard. that was actually very funny. >> all of these other times you have been -- >> chris: oh, no. uh, no, that is not -- no. kevin smith. >> i am going to say china now is outlawing the fact that you can point out that both mushu the drag gone and the donkey in shrek sound exactly the same. >> chris: yes. okay. points. scott aukerman. >> where did all the girl babies went with? (bleep). [ cheers and applause ] >> they are probably on a farm somewhere.
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>> chris: points? that brings us to the end of rapid refresh, now it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: last october redditor named craftjunkie started what became a huge thread asking for scary stories in five words, then buzzfeed ripped that off and made it into a viral article, so then we ripped off that buzzfeed article with our hashtag war. take that, you got buzz fed! well, it was a huge success, and since it's halloween season once again we decided to just rip-off our own twice removed rip-off, why not, so tonight's hashtag is #scarystoryin5words. oh, ooh! >> thank you for playing along with that. you didn't even go to rehearsal or anything. examples might be time to netflix and kill. or creed schedules their comeback tour. or your 45th president, ted
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cruz! oh! i am going to put 60-seconds on the clock and begin. >> kirkman. >> chile's is closed forever. >> chris: points. >> scott. >> all movies have paul lord. >> chris: points. >> jersey girl 2, jennifer is back. >> chris: oh, points. come on make that (bleep) happen. robert kirkman. >> walking dead starring chris hardwick. >> chris: points. damn it i actually agree with you on that, i would be terrible. >> jeb bush, donald trump, three way. >> chris: comic bookman, sixth season of poofed. >> chris: points. oh, no, oh, no. scott aukerman. >> next tape starring entourage cast and only entourage cast. >> chris: points. kirkman. >> rest in peace, gerald nixon. >> chris: what? what? what where you saying? what did he
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mean? what -- >> please, please. for my sake dodge ever kill him, i will end up having to pay for that somehow. i will be the first (bleep)ing face people say when that happens. it is like i didn't do it. i swear to god. and that's why we are with doing it, gosh darn it. >> chris: that brings us to the end of hashtag wars. if send us your #scarystoryin5words and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we will be right back. the our tweet of the day from our last hashtag
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. so last week, @midnight did something that was a apologize began nick waste of time, even by our standards, celebrate the original publication of po moby dick the classic novel that also fits our hashtag make-a-celeb-horny. they read entire book on periscope, it took 28 hours, lots of people stopped by to read a chapter, including me, nate corddry, steve agee and many more, well three people defied all common sense by watching the entire 28 hours on periscope, @lonelycentral, @teara2299 and @bettiebngs13, aka kristen. and we heard she was going to be here tonight so we have a very special copy of the book that she can't get enough of. [ cheers and applause ]  hello. thank you for wasting all of
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your time. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: this is for you. thank yothank you so much. all right, now it's time to play killer b's. . >> chris: back in the 1970s and 1980s before with the world's accumulated knowledge was at our fingertips at all times, we had vhs tapes. or top this, i am not sure if i am pronouncing that right. they were used for everything from recording tv shows to making amateur pornography. well, the incredible tumblr vhs ninja collects retro/reentry cover art for videotapes of old b movies, i will show you a b movie's vhs box art. for 250 points your job is to pitch me that punitive. first up, the night of a thousand cats. >> the night of 81,000 cats. >> chris: what? >> 81,000 cats. >> chris: oh, my word.
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>> i love the sequel, which is the night of a 1,000 cats regain friendship. 1,000 points. >> scott aukerman. >> they can only be defeated by a one with thousand vacuums. >> chris: robert kirkman. >> here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. i have to do it one with thousand times. >> chris: that's okay. people will watch it. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: yes, she will. points to concerning man. >> kirkman. kevin smith. >> so much pussy, so little lasagne. >> chris: yes. points. points. next one, here is a hot fine
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drama. top squad. robert kirkman. >> about a female cop who no one will take seriously until she learns how to wear with a shirt. >> chris: yes. points. points. >> not really an action film. it is just more discovery. >> chris: kevin smith. >> i am going to say it's shirt versus skins. and the scales of justice are topless. >> chris: points. yes. scott aukerman. >> hey, her eyes are up here. and so are her tits. >> chris: points, points. moving on, she beautiful, seductive and deadly, ninja queen boxer! scott. >> the baffling sequel to schindler's list. it's the girl in the red dress.
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>> >> chris: robert kirkman. >> about a female ninja who no one will take seriously until she learns how to wear with a shirt. >> chris: yes. points. points. kevin smith. >> ninja queen boxer, the hillary clinton story. >> chris: okay. points. that's the end of killer b's time for our live challenge, a good challenge for a comic staff i have panel. new, captain america comic hit shelves last week, in which with the new cap, sam wilson, fights the supreme serpent, a industrial lane who hates illegal immigration. for some commentary on this issue we turn to the authority on deep cut comic book characters, "fox and friends". >> so who is this serpent? is this serpent an islamic extremism and isis member bent on destroying western
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civilization? no, the serpent is an american who has misgivings about unlimited illegal immigration and the cost associated with it. it's that according to to the comic book is evil. >> now if you watched closely you will have noticed that tucker carlson is siding with the supreme serpent. >> wait, is he the supreme serpent? we have never seen them in the same room, guys! and also, i am glad to bring this up, because primarily concerned with the economic impact of government policies, don't want tex to go to education. comedians as one of the conservative performers on this "fox and friends" self tanner infomercial, i would like to to defend another famous villain to defend. we will get your answers right we will get your answers right af
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be part of the conversation. queen. in a good way. with all the latest episodes of your favorite dramas, xfinity on demand let's you catch up and keep up with fall tv. don't get voted out of the tv gossip. be part of the conversation. with all the latest episodes of your favorite reality shows, xfinity on demand let's you catch up
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and keep up with fall tv. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a clip of tucker carlson defend ago marvel comics super villain and asked you to stand up for another famous bad guy as a fox news anchor, let's go with you. >> i am torn about cruella de vil, she sounds foreign so i don't like this at all but she is killing puppies to make a coat because it is cold the which shows there is obviously no such thing as global warming. >> chris: yes. perfect. scott aukerman. >> need i remind you that dr. doom is a doctor, i mean if he is an evil megalomaniac then i guess so is ben carson. >> chris: okay. points. kevin smith. >> i know we are not supposed to say his name but that's only because his ideas reflect the
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magic of a once great america. where you could lock bad kids under staircases and he is not talking about killing your kids, he is talking about spoiled liberal private school kids, bolder less, no, i say voldemort? no, i said voldt-less. >> chris: one with thousand points to kevin smith, 500 scott aukerman two, 50 to robert kirkman. two to our next, go to our next game. watch me exercise my limited power! there is still time to give me a couple more points. i am just saying. (bleep). >> oh, no. actually because it is time for our next game, straight outta copenhagen. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: dr. dre recently told rolling stone magazine he hopes to tour europe with snoog
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dog, eminem and kendrick lamar. now rap music is an american art form but what if it came from the continent of chain-smoking, stupid tiny coffees and uncircumcised dongs. so i want you to come up with at many european rap songs as8ñ possible. >> nazi by nature. >> chris: points. robert kirkman. >> i have my mind on my euros and my euros on my mind. >> chris: points. kevin smith. >> momma said not wurst out. >> chris: points. aukerman. >> i like big ben and i cannot like. >lie. >> chris: points. robert kirkman. >> insane in the ukraine. >> chris: points. kevin smith. >> i slam baby. >> chris: yes. points. aukerman. >> mr. gorbachev, drop it like it's hot! >> chris: points. that brings us to the end to a straight outta copenhagen, you
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know, kevin smith but you are in third place but we don't have to eliminate somebody every show. i mean, listen, listen -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: no red light? >> no red light. >> chris: met's go for for the win. why not? that means, yes. there, there, there. that means it's time to squirt on a funny face. it's for the win! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: another day, another house of pancakes under fire for their inappropriate tweets. and this time, it's none other than the international house of pancakes. last night ihop tweeted this picture. and wrote, flat but has a great personality.
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oh. now, that could be construed as very offensive, apparently they felt the need to make excuses as to why their pancakes don't have tits. then they posted this one last month, the butterface we all know and love. ihop that's a pretty sick pancake negative. nobody knows exactly why the breakfast of grampions has taken this suddenly sexual turn, but hey, why not, so completed chance i want you to compose your own needlessly suggestive ihop tweet. we will have our comedians' we will have our comedians' answers when we come back to
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it's from daddy. sfx: dad's voice i love you baby girl. duracell quantum lasts longer in 99% of devices so you can always be there. ♪ >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, all
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right, it all comes down to this, i will read the answers you decide the winner. i asked you to come up with your own needlessly suggestive ihop tweet. let's see what kind of sugar you are powering. first one i am going to (bleep) the (bleep) out of my breakfast! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: number 2, number 2. finally less sticky, slightly more shame. >> chris: or number 3. number 3. i would like to pull my pig out of the blanket and get all rooty tutti fresh and fruity. number 3, who is number 3? kevin smith has won the internet! well done!, well done, you pull the pig out of the blanket. you there the funniest man for the next 23 and a half hours. with we will see you all tomorrow night when your our guests will be esther povitsky,
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tony hinchcliffe and doug benson. until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting up @midnight with your #scarystoryin5words and become tomorrow's tweet of uhhh... good evening, everyone, hello. as you probably know, last night i signed an executive order authorizing $85 billion in federal budget cuts. now, most americans still don't understand what this whole sequester really means. i could explain it in financial terms or in human terms. but since i really have no idea about how money works-- or how budgets work-- i'll go with human terms instead. you see, we're all going to feel the pain from these cuts. even in the white house. from now on, my wife michelle will only do, uhhhh... four television appearances a week, down from her usual 75. i also had to sit joe biden down and tell him that he couldn't order

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