tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central October 21, 2015 2:35am-3:06am PDT
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>> larry: that's our show. i'd like to thanks our guests. stay tuned for at-midnight with chris hardwick everyone. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on mlb.com. estate of chicago has been drunk for a week straight now that the cubs are in the play-offs. ( cheers and applause ) good. they may be down in the series but they could win their first world series since 1908!
no! stop clapping, you fools! don't you know what that means on today of all days? it means the prophecies of "back to the future" are true! that's right, today, officially awx 21, 2015, is the day marty mcfly arrived in our present. some of you might be too young to remember, but today used to be the future. just ask your parents. now, we all love "back to the future," but one man, youtuber barelyhuman11, figured out what it's really all about. >> this is because the twin pines are the twin towers. the pines are the towers. pines. towers. and the twin pines mall is the twin towers mall. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: he's not ( bleep ) kidding. he's as serious as 9/11.n guys, there's more. i watched all seven of barelyhuman11's videos, and i've got to say, it's starting to make a lot of sense. just hear me out: robert zemeckis, a "pre-cogging conduit" who made "back to the future" and set it to today's date, just released his new movie, "the walk," which is in theaters today.
and what's it about? a guy rigging a wire to the twin towers. now, doc brown gets a letter detailing how he will be killed by libyans-- a.k.a. terrorists-- back then, in 30 years, and he's given that letter while he's doing what? hanging a wire off a tower. come oguys! you want to know what the protagonist in "the walk" is wearing? well, buckle the ( bleep ) in because he's dressed a little bit like marty mcfly. are you getting this? are you getting this? great. hang on to your tinfoil hats. we're just getting started. christopher lloyd is jesus because he rises from the dead in the lone pine mall parking lot, because trees are from christmas and that's jesus' birthday. but he is also zeus because he destroys a clock with a lightning bolt, and obviously the clock represents cronus, the god of time. okay, so he's assisted by his brothers, hades and poseidon. poseidon rules under the sea--meaning he might be at, oh, i don't know-- the enchantment under the goddamn sea dance. are you guys getting all this? also, marty is the god hades. i'll let barelyhuman11 tell you. >> hades is so clearly
represented by marty mcfly that it's almost laughable. >> chris: ha-ha-ha-ha! ha-ha-ha-ha! the comic book cover that the farmer kid has says he's from pluto. did you hear that? pluto-- the roman god of the underworld, whom the greeks called "hades." ah-ha! and even though we're not talking about roman mythology, he's technically still hades. plus libbians what, do they want, plutonium. is your mind still in your ( bleep ) skull? when marty's warned about the lightning strike on the clock tower, he's warned with a flyer by this cock-blocking frumpadilo, while, over her shoulder, they are being watched by what, this, right here. the all-seeing eye of horus, which we all know has to do with the illuminati and founding fathers and da vinci codes. but there's more! when old biff breaks into the time machine to steal the "grays sports almanac," he takes a cab from a company called luxor. guess what comes up when you google "luxor"? i mean, other than tickets to a carrot show.
a ( bleep ) ton of spooky egyptian pyramids and ( bleep ), which is where the eye of horus is from. oh, and by the way, the "grays sports almanac, you know what that means, right? ( bleep ) aliens. because of the word "grays," obviously, plus the book has little stars on it. which-- duh-- aliens live up where there's stars, and because, look! here you see marty with the book, while right behind him are posters of the moon landing. posters of space stuff in the antique store! you doubt the connection? well, ( bleep ) you. the store also has a stuffed roger rabbit. no big deal, right? wrong. roger rabbit is set in 1947, the same year aliens were first documented in roswell, new mexico. open your ( bleep ) eyes! now, the tunnel biff chases marty through-- before doc, who represents jesus zeus, saves him-- is the griffith tunnel in griffith park-- the same goddamn tunnel judge doom, a.k.a. doc, is outside? "who framed roger rabbit? why is christopher lloyd in two movies that are inarguably connected?
no time! get a load of this ( bleep ): the griffith tunnel sits directly under the griffith observatory, a place devoted to contacting the heavens. and guess what's in front of it? an egyptian obelisk devoted to horus and the ( bleep ) eye thingy again! what does it all mean? simple! it means the illuminati are aliens who planned 9/11 and killed president kennedy. president kennedy? what the ( bleep ) does he have to do with all this? everything. sheeple! that's a bust of j.f.k.'s head, right next to the roger rabbit doll. and if that's not enough, doc has a head wound in the exact same place as the j.f.k. kill shot. right there! plus, when marty mentions the street "john f. kennedy drive," which, what was j.f.k. doing when he was shot? driving. he makes a gun with his hand very clearly right here. while sitting next to his mom, lorraine baines. who is still really hot. baines. l.b., as in lyndon baines, the vice president who succeeded j.f.k. to be president! don't you see? stop rolling over, snoopy! everything is connected! this is all pretty cut and dried so far, but barelyhuman11 missed one vital thread of this conspiracy. let me take it one step further.
look what else "back to the future ii" predicted. donald trump! look at that upon don't you see. look, middle-aged biff is an evil, rich, thrice-married clown with a ridiculous yellow comb over. so comedians, since donald trump is clearly biff tannen from how do we go back in time to stop him from getting his hands on the "sports almanac"? esther, go! a copy of ooo-laa magazine with a picture of his naked daughter on the cover. >> leave the almanac at a good barber shop. >> chris: doug benson. >> three words chris, horse manure. chris was one of the wordss. >> chris: i am out of breath, but i hope your eyes are open now. it is time to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central
>> chris: welcome to "@midnight". that's all the time we have for tonight's show. ( laughter ) tonight's comedians are playing tonight's comedians are: performing at u.c.b. franklin in l.a. november 8, it's esther povitsky. from the "kill tony" podcast on deathsquad.tv, live tapings every monday at the comedy store in l.a., it's tony hinchcliffe. from the "doug loves movies" podcast, live taping at the improv in tampa october 31 at 4:20, it's doug benson. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." ( cheers and applause ) the "new york post" is reporting on a teenager stoarn who hacked the e-mail account of john
brennan. following in tradition of whistleblowers upton sinclair, and daniel elsberg, he took to twitter to post: director brennan was apparently using an a.o.l. account because they sent a cd-rom in the mail with 73 hours. comedians, what's a subject line from the c.i.a. director's a.o.l. inbox? it doug benson? >> it's your birthday, ci-yay! >> it's tupak, andi. kaufman is the worst roommate ever. >> chris: points. perfect. that's the end of "rapid refresh." and now it's time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." whether or not you think "back
to the future" is the greatest movie ever-- it is-- it's definitely the best story about seducing your mom since "oedipus rex." that's why tonight's hashtag is all about romancing the woman who's already hormonally programmed to love you, #hitonyourmom. i know we all feel weird together.df examples: "how about a little 'wom-bom thank you mom'?" and "why you wastin' your time with a pussy like dad?" i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. doug. >> mom, can i get a ride, not to school? >> chris: points. tony. >> dad used to call me a ( bleep ). let's not make him a liar. >> chris: points. >> i can't give you a number one ma mug, because you're a 10. >> chris: points. tony. >> i came out of you, now i'm going to ( bleep ) in you. >> oh! oh! >> chris: esther. >> what's for dinner mom,
besides this pussy. >> chris: points. doug benson. >> go to my room? let's go to your room. >> chris: points. tony. >> i'm going to make you scream louder than when you ha had me. >> chris: oh, my god. points. doug. >> it's sexy when you call me douglas. >> chris: that end of our creepiest "#hashtagwars" ever. send us your #hitonyourmom and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be back with more "@midnight." ou 3 meters... 2 meters... [psssshhhhht!] sorry about that capsule 7. your, ah, vector was a little steep on that one. try again. ♪ 3 meters...
it's time to play "witch, please!" halloween is the best time of year to celebrate your favorite pop culture characters, or just dress like an (bleep) and fill a plastic pumpkin with puke. the following costumes are more for the latter. comedians, i'm going to show you a terrible halloween get-up and for 250 points you're going to have to give me a tag line to help sell it. first up, the big baby! goddamn it! that is worse than the hashtag we played. doug benson. >> it's not your party, but you can cry if you want to, you big baby, big, stupid baby. >> chris: points. esther. >> this one will definitely ruin my vagina. laugh. >> chris: points. points. you know what you need this halloween. you need sex donald trump! >> chris: doug.
>> let's make america's halloween parties great again. >> chris: yeah, points. by the way, guys, it's okay not try to make everything ( bleep )able. >> i'm going to be sexy steve jobs for halloween. >> chris: is that true? >> >> chris: yeah. i have to give you 100 points for that. esther. >> this model would make a better president. >> chris: yes, points, points. ( applause ) >> check out her "t-"rump. >> chris: well played. >> chris: next up barry bondage. barry bondage. you know, i don't know exactly what i was expecting, but it wasn't that.
tony. >> look like a giant testicle. >> chris: points. doug. >> first of all, is that-- is that a paddle or a big ice cream bar? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> chris: maybe a little from column "a" and a little from column "b." we the way, guys, sold out. five stars. esther. >> just, you know, this is the only they think will literally turn everyone in the world off. >> chris: yeah, points. >> it kind of looks like-- it-- it could be a sexy pica chew from the neck down. >> i get the feeling this is the last thing lambar odom saw before he blacked out. >> chris: well, i don't-- you know, we weren't there. ( cheers and applause ) next for the little ones, this baby d.j. costume.
doug. >> look, it's d.j. poopy pants on the 1s and 2s. >> chris: points. points. tony. >> give your kids sids-- sudden infant dance syndrome. >> just as wort worthless as a l d.j. >> chris: the most important thing, the human blow-up doll. the human blow-up doll. tony. >> now with real-sized doug benson dick. >> chris: oooh! why? why take a shot at poor doug? >> i wish. wait, what? >> chris: points. esther. >> dress up as doug benson's girlfriend. >> chris: points. everyone's-- everyone's assaulting doug benson. >> finally i got a roast on
comedy central! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: that brings us to the end of "witch please!." it's time for our live challenge. yesterday the associated press tweeted about the c.i.a. director's e-mail hack. the link they embedded showed something much more important than cyber-security. this i know it looks like a mistake, but that is the director of the c.i.a. right before before he licked his butthole in front of the whole company. comedians, this video is basically puuurrrrfect, but it needs some dialogue. as pirate cat, address your cuddly crew before setting sail on the fuzzy widdle sea. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight."
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome+ "@midnight." before the break i showed you the video of a pirate cat that was accidentally tweeted by the associated press and asked you to address your crew as pirate cat. let's see what you wrote. >> yo-ho, yo-hoi'll eat your face when you die. >> chris: that's what the cat people don't understand. cats are just waiting to snack on their dead bodies. high and fly or high and dry. >> sorry, there seems to be some confusion, when i told my owners i wanted to be a pussy pirate, i meant i wanted to be legally download porn. >> chris: all right, all right. ( applause )
doug benson. >> i'm the captain meow. >> chris: you son of a bitch! i have to give 1,000 points to douglas county and 500 to esther and tony as we go to our next game "are you now or have you ever been?." today's not only "back to the future" day, it's also the 68th anniversary of the first house un-american activities commission hearings! yay! ( applause ) let's get all these un-americans out. but we'll just arbitrarily decide what that means. i believe the traditional 68th anniversary gift is cuban cigars. right? back in 1947, senator joseph mccarthy began his search for communists, especially in
hollywood, because everybody knows that hollywood is all about sharing the wealth. so comedians, in honor of that dumb ( bleep ), today's speed game is "are you now or have you ever been?" examples might include "married to roseanne barr" or "high as ( bleep )." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. esther. >> caught masturbating to bherny sanders. >> chris: points. points. doug. >> to canada, because weed's going to be legal there soon. >> chris: all right, points, points. tony. >> the host of mtv's "singled out." >> chris: points. i don't know who that was. that was a long time ago. i'm 29. doug. >> you have ever been mellow? >> chris: points. ( laughter ) esther. >> are you now or have you ever felt like a plastic bag drifting through the wind? >> chris: points. doug benson. >> are you now or have you ever been. >> in me? >> chris: points. i plead the fifth. doug. >> the sun baby from tele tubbies. >> chris: points.
esther. >> a member of fifth harmony. >> chris: points. that bricks us to the end of "are you now or have you ever been?." esther, you are in third place. i'm so sorry, we have to eliminate you. >> audience: oooh! >> chris: i know! do you have any last words? >> this is what i wanted. >> chris: let's bathe you in red lights. there we go. red light. i gotta say, i really appreciate-- i've never seen anyone own it like that before. i think that's rad. that's super rad. that means it's time to grab your flux capacitor! it's "for the win!" right now, it seems like the show has been going well. we've had some laughs. we saw a pirate whose leg doubles as a scratching post, and our hashtag got your mom more hot and bothered than "n.c.i.s." and a glass of zinfandel 3
and who could forget when swamp thing's dick? do you remember when that happened in the show? >> i definitely forgot that. >> chris: doug, you would smoke him? none of that is going to get cut for time. but just like doc in "back to the future," we could be heading for catastrophe and not even know it. so comedians, i traveled back in time to 1985 and asked you to write me a letter warning me about some impending disaster. we'll reveal our comedians' warnings from 1985 and name the winner when we come back on
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win!" i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. way before the break, i traveled back to 1985 and asked our comedians to write me a letter warning me of impending doom. here are the letters. hey, chris, how's it going. i hope i'm writing this anonymous method to let you know some day you will host a successful game show and if you want to be successful, you should give all the points to doug benson. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know if that's really a
warning. that could have been anyone. or, number two, "dear chris, in season three of "@midnight" you're going to run out of "#hashtagwars" and the comedians will be forced to try to ( bleep ) their own moms." ( cheers and applause ) number one was the winner. who was number one. a surprise, doug benson. congratulations. we'll see you all tomorrow night, when our guests will be michelle wolf, nikki limo and grace helbig. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #hitonyourmom and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. good night! >> all right. night. now eat your raccoon meat.