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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 22, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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chris hardwick. good nightly, everyone. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on cnn.com today! it's official: vice cube joe biden will not run for president. very disappointing i was looking forward to the sweet dirt bike presidential cades. after 36 years in the senate and seven years of standing next to obama when he says stuff, it's going to be hard for sloppy joe to adjust to normal life. seriously, what's the point of living without the constant stimulation of meeting world leaders or putting a towel down to keep boehner's spray tan off the white house lawn chairs? obama, on the other hand, is taking to pretirement like a lame duck to water. here he is singing "happy birthday" to usher while the world burns.
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>> happy birthday to you. happy birthday, dear usher. [laughing] >> chris: you think usher is like, are you saying i'm [beep] fat. what's with the tiny cup cakes? comedians, i think barry and joe-joe are going to have a blast when they get out of office and have nothing but free time. what are these two crazy running mates going to do on their post-potus road trip? michelle, go! stphrao open an etsy shop that sells aprons that say "do you smell when barack is cooking." >> nikki go. >> they're going to kill a hitchhiker and blame it on tedm cruz. >> chris: michelle. >> -- ariana grande.
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chris: i hope . so it's time to start "@midnight" cheer cheer >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: coming to snapchat discover channel next week. michelle wolf. is back on the show. [ applause ] >> chris: daily video blogs and sketches are posted on her youtube channel nikki limo. welcome. >> thank you. chris: welcome to your first episode of "@midnight." >> thank you. chris: do you have a strategy. >> going for the points this. is important. >> chris: most important thing of the day. >> for the children. chris: do it for the kids. for the unborn kids that would of been born but pullouts happen. let's do it for them. >> let's do it for pullouts.
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chris: let's do it for pullouts. >> chris: grace helbig. the author of "you have it." one of my favorite people grace helbig. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you should also follow grace helbig on snapchat. >> it's a lost my dogs. chris: a lot of your dog. half dog, half boyfriend. sometimes dog boyfriend. >> i like to mix it up. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] >> chris: since john baner slid down as speaker of the house, republicans have been desperately trying to find someone to fill the spot. it's apparently the least desirable job opening since the bathroom attendant at the gathering of the juggalos.
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paul ryan seems to want the job. he was mitt romney's running mate in 2012. he was posing for punktastic photos like this one. he was demonstrating a work out technique. he has a look saying, girl you like devastating budget cuts. check out what else is cut. bam! he's interested in the job but only if his specific requires are met. commodians, what are his dreamy demands? >> one here every afternoon to watch enrique iglesias videos alone. >> chris: points. that's how he works the other arm. [laughing] >> chris: nick aoefpl. >> i'm going to say he demands a twinkle be photo shop into his
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eye before every picture. >> chris: points. >> thank you. chris: alright. looks like the internet has come down with a severe case of dance fever. last week bernie sanders visited the set of ellen to do what is technically qualifies as busting a move i think. ♪ ♪ >> chris: i could watch this for a [beep] hour. i really could. [ applause ] >> oddly calming. chris: oddly calming. >> like a plant. chris: he is. >> like in the wilderness. chris: i like to watch old men cut a rug on the ellen program. i think he will feel that yesterday. then yesterday, everyone on social media went nuts when sensitive sweater gangsta drake dropped his video for "hotline bling" from inside the set of "hollywood squares." i think.
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♪ called me on my cellphone ♪ late night when you need my love. >> chris: right. now we have these two guys together i think we just need drake to lift bernie sanders over his head like. that nobody puts bernie in a corner. comedians, i want you to pitch sanders and drake form a bond over their shared love of dance. michelle. >> velma, the musical. chris: alright. points. grace. >> okay hear me out. in the future when dance becomes the primary form of battle bernie sanders has to defend canada with it's greatest dance asset in weapon of mass drakestruction. >> chris: points, points. points. excellent. [ applause ] >> i like how it rolls off the tongue. >> chris: yes. you pulled off the perfect pirouette. >> ya, based on a book.
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[laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: alright. that's the end of "rapid refresh." let's do the "#wars now" [cheers and applause] >> chris: stone people wake up for this part. i'm talking about you, kyle. lucky charms has ten special box that's are a hundred percent marshmallows. if you find one you win type-2 diabetes. let bismarcky explain. ♪ you are mar mal owe only but you see there's only ten, for hashtag lucky ten. >> wow. [cheers and applause] >> chris: in honor of this sweet, sweet sweepstakes, tonight's hashtag is #cerealsongs.
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examples: "let's talk about chex," "here comes your bran" and "i can't feel my flakes." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! begin. grace. >> ♪ it's race-in brand. >> chris: grace, it was there the whole time how do d. we miss. that. >> wheatys didn't start the fire. >> chris: points. damn it. points. nikki. >> lose yourself in the muslix the moment. >> chris: points. grace. >> two scoops i did it again. chris: michelle. >> no fiber no problem. chris: my check. >> apple jack and die othe dian. >> did i it all for cookie crisp. >> honey bunches of oh oh oh it's magic. >> chris: also oh oh oh oats.
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michelle. >> fruit, fruit de loop, fruit de loop. >> chris: points. most of america watching now was slapping their foreheads the cereal companies are like, are you writing this down. "hashtag wars." send us your #cerealsongs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @hanamichels. and there's actor jaleel white. and wax museum urkel. (audience laughs) it's weird they're hanging out, but dual zone automatic climate control keeps one toasty and the other from melting.
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(audience laughs) and the 7 inch touch screen display audio system drowns out that canned laughter. it's weird they'd want dual wishbone rear suspension, but the road to redefining oneself has many twists and turns. did i do... (audience laughs) the new scion im. standard features that actually come standard. weird, right? one blood mary served at a perfect 98.6 degrees. some drinks are hardly refreshing. naw dowg, i'm good.
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this party is dead. i love it. redd's wicked apple and new black cherry. refreshingly hard. get a pizza hut pizza with breadsticks baked right into the crust. it's a combination made in heaven. bring home the flavor with a twisted crust pizza from pizza hut. it's pizza and breadsticks in one amazing creation.
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get two dipping sauces like marinara and cheddar cheese. add a 2l pepsi for a buck. only at pizza hut. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "vital peen-formation." "vital peen-formation." there's a lot of bad information on the internet when it comes to sex. young kids probably think they have to snapchat dick pics for bitcoin, or go to school on the bang bus, or that it's acceptable to draw erotic pictures of sonic the hedgehog. it is. >> oh, no. >> this sonic spends all his
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time collecting (beep) rings. comedians, in order to give our impressionable viewers some useful information, i'm going to show you a classic sex ed video, and, for 250 points, you're going to give me the next line. first up, this question about premarital relations. >> what if i want to have sex before i get married? >> well, i guess you just have to be prepared to die. [laughing] >> chris: alright. the next line, grace. >> that's how my husband died, and i don't miss him at all. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: because i was cheating on him with jesus. [laughing] >> my neighbor. chris: next one. this clip from "who am i now." >> you can ask me anything, go ahead. >> it's embarrassing, but what about, you know, getting an
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erection at the wrong time? >> i know just how you feel. chris: nikki. >> there is no wrong time. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: grace helbig. >> and like your tiny boner i vanish into thin air. [laughing] >> chris: wait, what, wait a minute. grace, do you just thing boners just disappear? >> like. that. >> chris: no they don't. >> it's magic. chris: they just hibernate they don't explode. >> they explode. >> they explode. chris: you're right. >> we know. >> we're girls. chris: you're right. sorry. >> chris: next one, this anti-masturbation blogger. >> when you have a favorite porn star and you think of her in your head, there's a demon in the spirit realm assigned, a
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principality or ruler assigned to that actress. [laughing] >> chris: michelle. >> and i say -- these demons are the only father figures these actresses ever had. [laughing] >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up these divorced art teacher types teaching girls about their vaginas. >> today we're going to talk about -- >> oh! [laughing] >> chris: nikki. >> welcome todaycarat burning man -- to day care at burning ham. >> chris: points. grace. >> kids bop got different.
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chris: points. >> it totally may look like that. you have to have a mirror -- i don't have any idea. >> i'm a hundred percent, mine looks like that. >> ya. [laughing] >> chris: ya. next one. this bollywood-inspired guide to condoms! >> chris: michelle. >> we're the indan teletubys you can put us on your pinky winkies. weufplt points. >> chris: well done. next up. this public park troubadour. >> our anus is a useful thing, indeed. the anus gives release in time
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of need. we all have an anus, no matter what you've heard. remember that anus is the proper word. >> chris: last one, this locke grace will. >> what restraining order, am i right. >> chris: points. that's the reverse shot of the horrified children on the playground and their angry parents. last one. last one. last one, this locker room heart-to-heart. >> before we moved here, i used to go to a school where we had to go swimming in the bare. i was so embarrassed about the size of my penis that we used to dread the days we had to go swimming. >> chris: nikki. audience: choo choo chris: well played. before the show i asked the audience to make a train noise when they felt like it during the show. you picked a perfect time.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: nikki. >> and that's when i knew i had to get really really good at eating [beep] [laughing] >> chris: points. michelle. >> jesus, dave, i just asked if we had a quiz tomorrow. [laughing] >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "vital peen-formation." it's time for our live challenge. hunks running. this week was the chicago marathon. this runner got thursda thirstye than usual.
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he says 12 women have reached out to him. since the runner is looking to lady love cat call him pushing the limits of human endurance. we will get your pick uphs shots after the break. we will be back with more @midnight. it's intelligent enough to warn of danger from virtually anywhere. it's been smashed, dropped and driven. it's perceptive enough to detect other vehicles on the road. it's been shaken, rattled and pummeled. it's innovative enough to brake by itself, park itself and help you steer. it's been in the rain... the cold... and dragged through the mud. introducing the all-new mercedes-benz gle. it's where brains meet brawn.
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[ applause ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, we showed you a marathoner whose feet are sore from running through your dreams, and we asked you to catcall him your best pickup line. comedians, nikki go first. >> i'm more of a 5, k girl but i'm into mixed race relationships. >> chris: well done, very well done. michelle. >> hey sexy i'd totally swallow your carbo load. >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> chris: grace helbig. >> once your nipple stops reading and your but thehole stops diariying, want to netflix and chill. >> chris: alright. a thousand points for michelle. 500 to grace and 250 to nikki.
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we go to our next game. "frights, camera, action!" this time last year, we featured an awesome gallery of photos taken at the nightmares fear factory in niagara falls of terrified visitors captured mid-pantload, and this year's gallery are better than ever. i'm going to show you a picture from nightmaresfearfactory.com, and i want you to tell me what you think they're so afraid of. i'm starting the clock now. >> this guy realized he stepped out of new jersey for the first time. >> chris: what is this guy scared of? >> progress. chris: points. what about them, michelle? >> getting another sister wife. chris: points. yes, next one. this red murder victim. >> ta talbots is closed. chris: points. nikki. >> -- peter dying. chris: points. next up this loaner. grace. >> his wife found his
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masturbation diary. >> chris: points. points. these jumpers and jumpers. >> the pumpkin spice latte never coming back. >> chris: and these shouters. >> maroon 5 is breaking up. >> oh, no. chris: points. that's the end of "frights, camera, action." nikki you're in third place. i'm sorry we have to eliminate you. oh, for the love of why. >> the worst day of my life. chris: do you have last words before the red light son you. >> i came here for the w, i thought i was bowling the 300 but i was playing golf and 300 points is not good in that game. >> chris: i think you're right about the golf thing. [ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to be a hall-o-wiener. it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause]
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>> estately.com released a study on the halloween costumes that each state googles more than any other state. you can see here. californians want to dress up as pregnant nuns for some reason they're still working [beep] out. my favorite slutty pumpkins. ya. >> that's just a regular pumpkin, right. >> chris: ya this pumpkin likes to [beep]. turns out, utah is the most obsessed with pop culture costumes like princess leia, captain america and halo. utah was also recently named the nerdiest state in america this same site, which isn't surprising considering utah's affinity for a sci-fi story about space travel and golden about space travel and golden tablets called
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♪ ♪
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one blood mary served at a perfect 98.6 degrees. some drinks are hardly refreshing. naw dowg, i'm good. this party is dead. i love it. redd's wicked apple and new black cherry. refreshingly hard. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this-- i will read your answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner.
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before the break, i told you about utah's growing status as the nerdiest state in the union and asked you to write a new geeky state motto. >> utah not just floppy discs, floppy boners. [ applause ] >> chris: or utah jarjar pinks comes here he will be executed. number two won. who is number two? grace helbig has won. you're the funniest person kwepb. thank you for being here. see you tomorrow night. when our guests will be brian posehn, steve agee and ron funches. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #cerealsongs and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instag ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪

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