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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 28, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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larry: that's ou our show, iwan, holly walker, grace parra and raul de >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on huffington post today. keeping track of the presidential candidates is like "game of thrones" with less nudity. now this man is joining, jeff dunham's puppet joe biden! the super pac called "draft biden" just released their first
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tva. the guy who looks like the canadian orthodontist -- >> i love the patch this is guy has. ordained minister, president troll. >> yes. chris: but since the vice president is on the fence let's make the decision run a +*et easier coming up with his campaign slowing afpblt ethan embry go. >> biden 2016, america's creepy uncle. >> chris: definitely. eli roth. >> free hugs, happy endings no extra charge. >> chris: what a nice bonus. yes. no extra charge. >> a hug and tug. chris: a hug and tug much. >> you just -- no extra charge. chris: brandon johnson. go. >> biden 3016, eating ain't
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cheating. >> chris: i wish that was someone's campaign slogan. we can only hope. it's time captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." tonight's comedians are a fantastic panel from grace & frankie and the walking dead. the talking dead must be back sunday as well. [cheers and applause] it's ethan embry. [ applause ] >> chris: director of knock knock in theaters, on demand and and itunes eli roth is back on the show. >> thank you. [ applause ] >> chris: you want to tell us what "knock knock is about." >> yes key on a reeves is home alone. two lovely girls show up they have a threesome and completely
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ruin his life. >> chris: brandon, brandon, brandon. >> ya. chris: brandon, brandon. [laughing] >> i would say he just [beep] my joke but he just un[beep]ed my joke. >> chris: for a second i thought you were describing you rebooted home alone with keanu raoefbz. >> yes. just replace some of those characters with two beautiful girls. >> chris: yes. [ applause ] >> as we all have imagined with joe peschy and daniel stern. >> chris: and brandon johnson is here. >
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[cheers and applause] >> oh, let's start the program, why not. >> chris: straight from today's headlines it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] >> chris: guys we can findly end our brunch hunger strike. #thenipple may soon be free. instagram has talked about an r rated version of instagram, aka snapchat. if you want to masturbate you have to look at kylie jenner's photos or watch a eli roth movie. what are new r rated filters they can use? >> vintage camel toe. [laughing] [ applause ] >> really gets up in there.
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chris: eli roth. >> you can have cyrus spears or hilton. >> chris: points. nice. >> shades everything for you. [laughing] >> chris: ethan embry. >> i'm actually excited about it then you can get the matrix style [beep] shots. where you -- and then the 360. >> chris: yes. [ applause ] >> chris: of course. so tkpwra +*es great. [ applause ] great. >> chris: moving on nasa released a huge collection of photophotos from the apollo mis. thousands of photos like this of first man to walk on the moon and this the first yugoslavian pornographer to jerk off in space. >> i wish my uncle have bullet time shots. some day technology you will reach me.
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>> chris: lunar mission one is asking reddit what photo to bring to the moon. because it's reddit this is legitimately a top contender. dickbutt. >> why go to reddit for that? they should know better. >> they should know better. chris: listen, i don't mean to sound like a old grandpa here but 45 years ago these american heroes risked their lives to go to the moon and now you want to slap a dickbutt on the lunar surface. >> actually that's a funny idea. chris: i think i have to side with the internet on this one. dickbutt on the moon in 2017. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so comedians what is rereddit's neck contribution to the space plan? >> black holes matter. [laughing]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: points, ethan emery. brandon johnson. >> i have been in a few myself. [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: would you say you have faced mat anywhere matter in a. >> i have. it's true they suck everything in. >> chris: now it's time for "hashtag wars." [cheers and applause] >> chris: houston affidavit rose beat the yankees last night and history was made last night as jessica mendosa called a baseball game. kill the backlash. no one wants to hear a woman in the booth. he's not even censored even the camera tried to avoid his face.
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i have to give props to the mlb for being progressive and trying new things. clearly our national past time could use spicing up. let's make baseball sportier with #makebaseballexciting. exam -lz electrified urinal trough. or mascots hunted for sport. or losing team executed. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright 60 seconds on the clock, begin. brandon -frpblg. >> the drunkest fan gets to be an umpire. >> chris: points. ethan embry. >> the kids cam is a [beep] cam. it's just couples [beep] >> chris: points. brandon. >> all the white powder on the field is now cocaine. >> chris: oh my god. eli. >> getting to third base means you can finger the third
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baseman. [laughing] >> chris: eli. >> releasing actual bulls from the bullpen. >> chris: so good. points. ethan. >> instead of the guy throwing peanuts he's chucking bags of black tar heroin at people. >> chris: heroin guy. >> tin foils, needles, heroin. hey! >> chris: perfect. brandon. >> before the common taters can announce any play they have to go "oooh, girl" [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. the end of hashtag wars. send us your hag tags, #mak send us your hag tags, #mak #makebaseballexciting. the rattlesnake wants to strike. send us your hag tags, #mak #makebaseballexciting. there will be injuries in this match tonight.
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mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! warning, ignore all oldexcept this one.ls ahhh! don't use timber, use bearglove! [doorbell] hello ladies. don't listen to him, listen to this. timber. hey! this is my commercial! i'd like to agree with you, but then why are we...on a horse? oh no!
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his signature joke! ♪ bearglove? go away. ♪ bearglove. [sigh] ♪ franco: lenny, they're still booing! lenny: look. look, here, crouch down a little. lenny: rockstar 101. back to back. lenny: classic. it's getting a little weird. rated teen. playstation >> welcome back to @midnight. this is a quick little social media update i need to share. i am, i'm changing my handle on twitter and instagram and snapchat and probably farmersonly.com too.
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for the longest time i was at nerdist. i run it but the company is more than me. i'm more than the company. to avoid confusion i'm just giving them nerdist. from now i'm@hardwick on twitter and instagram. there i am am @hardwick. it feels weird. it feels weird but i think it's the right thing to do. that's the only change. we will get through it together. so follow me @hardwick at instagram and twitter and nerdist company @nerdist. >> now it's time to play knee on sign fun. >> chris: the neon signs that
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are fails but what if they're not fails. let's look at the exciting new businesses together. first let's get a drink at the cock lounge. >> my favorite place to chug one down. >> chris: this is for that guy who want want a woman broadcast on the mlb. >> or a guy that likes drinking com. >> where every drink comes with a hair in it. >> at least every drink comes. [ applause ] >> come on, guys. >> you know -- >> we have fun. chris: so, what would you say is posted on the door of the com lounge? >> no foreskin required. chris: brandon. >> > deliveries in rear.
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chris: eli. >> every night is john mare night. >> chris: points. next one. next one let's go to the fat & easy. what is the slogan at fat & easy. >> it's also known as craigslift casual encounters. >> chris: points for that. eli. >> formally known as courtney & kims. >> no. >> i said it. chris: it could be any courtney & kim, guys. >> stop insinuating. chris: for only 59 bucks you can have jacuzzis poo. what is the special promotion for valentine's day? brandon. >> two in the stink eye, one in
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the pink eye. [ applause ] >> chris: alright. next one. >> -- target. [laughing] >> you got it going on, huh. chris: what is something you may overhear on the in store pa for sup target. >> the customer smoking weed in the mens room share that [beep] >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. next one. >> nut dip. [laughing] >> sup target. chris: what's the most popular menu item at nut dip. >> your mom. chris: ya. [cheers and applause] >> hold my nut dip, by the way.
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chris: that's the end of@midnight neon sign fun. and don't neglect the tentacles. [cheers and applause] >> chris: the ocean is full of marvelous creatures that look like goopy again tiles. today we disword their queen. there she is. >> she looks like an angelic -- chris: scientists are comparing this octopus to a swimming blanket. this is the most insane part. the reason i want to read this on the show. the females can be up to six feet long. the males measure at less than a inch. [laughing] >> chris: a lot to compensate for. the lady ocupi can weight 40,000
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times of the male and devour them like mike & ikes. you know the sex is great. comedians. i would like you to over compensate for your size and hit on a female. on a female. your answ
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i asked you for a pick up line for a tiny male blanket octopus to use on a female. what kind of heat are you packing? >> what's up girl it's 12-icles. you know i'm the octopus that freed the whales from sea world. plus i have four pairs of jimmy woos. >> chris: eli. >> i'm use to over compensating. this is out of my own personal library. >> hey baby i can't wait to get all up inside your octopussy. i'm going to close your lavial curtains around me, sweetheart. [laughing]
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>> chris: works for me. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> chris: what octopus wouldn't ink herself at the chance. eli roth. >> girl, it's not the size of the both it's the motion, oh my god i'm stuck inside of a vagina and it smells like human. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: a thousand points to eli. 500 each to ethan and brandon. our amazon wish list lift game. vladimir putin. [ applause ] >> chris: i know that special feeling in the air. you're aware it's vladimir putin's birthday today. >> today? chris: yes, today. >> happy birthday.
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chris: yes, right here before he strangled the prime minister of australia. >> what do you get for the homophobing vodka filled melon man who has it all. give me what's on put's wish list. >> syria. >> crotch less wrestling singlets. >> a real doll of angela mircle. >> entourage. >> a real gay dar. >> a wedding dress for his horse. >> hot wheels. >> eli. >> >> a saddle for his bear. chris: points. yes. i'm tired of riding bear back. it works two ways. >> oh. [cheers and applause] >> two pun for the price of one pun. >> chris: that is the end of
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amazon wish list lift. brandon johnson you're in third place. we must eliminate you. >> that's a good thing. no? >> chris: you have anything last words. >> i want to say i love your new name. >> chris: aaah. >> i also have a new name. chris: what is it? >> lose, loser. >> come here. >> lose i remember! loser! >> come here, big guy. [cheers and applause] >> chris: oh, no. i don't like it under there. >> ya. i like this light. >> chris: that means it's time to cap off the evening. it's for the win. [cheers and applause] >> tangelo fruit roll ups over cat litter donald trump is squawking voters with his
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campaign with his campaign "make america great again." that statement is so empty and generic it might as well say "food is good for mouth," "outside is air," "water wet." the washington post has a on-line hat4ó generator. twitter user made this one. a disclaimer for donalds statements. i'm not racist but ... [cheers and applause] >> chris: your challenge is to create your nonsensecal trump hat. we will have our (vo) after 50 years of designing cars for crash survival, subaru has developed our most revolutionary feature yet.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to wipe the scores clean. i will read them allowed. you decide the winner. i showed you a donald trump hat generator. i asked you for a stupid version. first hat, vote for bernie sanders. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that would be hilarious. or, or ... chica there is no wall around these nuts. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: number two, number two. eli roth is our winner. i believe you won last tao +*eut time too. >> i did. chris: you're crushing it. 2-0 for eli roth. we will see you tomorrow night until then keep tweeting #makebaseballexciting. i'm now at addhardwick. >> that time of the year again, when it becomes my responsibility to educate the unenlightened public on the proper way to carve a pumpkin. [gunshots] [chuckles] i love it. [gunshots]

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