tv The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore Comedy Central November 3, 2015 9:53am-10:26am PST
(cheers and applause) let's do it, america -- this is the nightly show! captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) ♪ (audience chanting larry) >> larry: nice crowd. appreciate it! such a nice crowd. this is a crowd that really knows the meaning of life, guys. (laughter) that kind of crowd. i just feel it's that kind of crowd. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. bob saget joins me on the panel tonight. (cheers and applause) he's an old buddy of mine. really great seeing him. interesting fact -- if you're
one of the 78% of people who watches this show from prison, this story's for you. >> about 6,000 inmates have been released from federal prisons as part of the change in sentencing regulations. the largest one-time release of federal prisoners over the weekend comes after the justice department changed punishment rules for nonviolent drug offenders. >> larry: that's right, over 6,000 prisoners were freed this weekend. and i think what obama is doing is great. it's about time a president did something like this. sure, a lot of people will be afraid to have criminals back on the streets but these people were convicted of non-violent crimes. non-violent! (applause) that's right! (laughter) there's nothing to be scared of. don't those people deserve a second chance to regain society's trust? right? (cheers and applause)
what kind of monster doesn't believe in redemption? just doesn't make sense to me. there you go. please put this in my vault. and, uhhh, get something for yourself. (applause) wow. man! (applause) that is a lot of convicts. and if we're keeping it 100, some of you are wondering -- is my community going to be overrun by prisoners? >> your community is not going to be overrun with prisoners. >> larry: oh, okay. whoo! thanks for answering my hypothetical question, cbs local news. hey, when you want your news and you want it local and you fell asleep watching csi cyber, trust cbs local news. >> the program is for low-level nonviolent drug offenders currently serving harsh sentences. up to ten years. >> larry: now let me break this down. there was a time in america where black people
were treated unfairly by the government. i know it sounds outrageous, but trust me, ask your parents, it's true. many of the penalties for drug offenses unfairly penalized those in the "urban" communities. for example, a person only needed five grams of crack to be charged with a felony. whereas you would need 500 grams of cocaine for a felony charge. this is why i've always told the kids, "hey, do cocaine." and stay in school. where else are you going to learn the metric system so you can measure your damn cocaine? just feels like a good message. (laughter) okay, so here to talk about his imminent release from federal prison is one of the victims of this unfair sentencing, darnell duvall! (cheers and applause) >> mike: hey larry! >> larry: so, darnell, what are you feeling? >> mike: larry, i'm so excited to get out.
my cousin hooked me up with a job. >> larry: well that's fantastic. what are you going to be doing? >> mike: selling weed. >> larry: whoa, whoa, wait! isn't that what landed you in jail in the first place? >> mike: yeah, but i'm going to be selling it legally at a dispensary in colorado! (cheers and applause) yeah, dude! mad ironical, ain't it, larry? >> larry: absolutely. so do you feel like justice is finally being done here? >> mike: i don't care about justice, larry. i just want to (bleep). >> larry: wait, wait, hold on, we're on television here. >> mike: larry, i have not been with my wife for 20 years! i don't know if i can wait to see her! >> larry: well, darnell, you don't have to wait because we've got a very special surprise for you. please welcome, your wife, candy duvall!
>> mike: oh my god, candy! oh! (applause) this is some maury level (bleep), man! i'm so happy to see you, babe! >> holly: heeeeeey!! i'm so happy to see you, too, darnell! >> larry: so when we contacted you, i'm sure you had no idea you'd be talking to your husband. >> holly: yeah, i had no idea my husband's been wronged, larry! they put him in prison for nothing! >> mike: that's my baby! i can't wait to see you, boo! >> holly: you don't have to wait long. i'm going to see you next month, right on schedule. >> larry: no, no, you don't have to wait. he's getting out today! (cheers and applause) today! >> holly: i'm sorry? >> larry: yeah! he's getting out today! >> mike: baby, what should we do next week after we're done (bleep)?
>> holly: awww, (bleep). >> mike: what's wrong, baby? >> larry: is everything okay? >> holly: larry, i thought he'd never get out. he was a black man who sold weed 20 years ago! i shouldn't be seeing him until 2035! i assumed i could move on with my life. >> larry: whoa. >> mike: moved on? >> holly: i've got three kids now! >> mike: you've got three kids?! how?! >> jordan: hey babe. the volvo's all warmed up, and those apples aren't going to pick themselves. who's your friend? >> mike: who is that?!!? imma kill him! >> larry: whoa! weren't you a non-violent offender? >> mike: i'm getting out for a nonviolent crime, but imma go back in for a violent one! >> holly: be well, darnell. buh-bye. >> jordan: namaste. >> larry: oof. that was awkward. now let me introduce you to someone who desperately wants to be free and who has liberals and conservatives alike calling for the president to take action. this is sharanda jones. sharanda has spent the last 16
years in prison, and she'll die there because she was sentenced to life without parole. her only crime -- transporting cocaine. and when i say "only crime," i mean only crime. she had no other arrests. none. this is a "one strike you're out for life" situation. i mean even paul blart got two chances. sharanda did not supply the cocaine. she did not sell it. she was a mule, transporting powder from houston to dallas. how much was she caught carrying? none. she was convicted based on the testimony of other drug dealers looking for plea bargains to avoid their own life sentences. she was charged with seven counts and acquitted of six. using a formula that has since been overturned by the supreme court, the judge was required -- required -- to send sharanda away for life. and to be clear -- i'm not, in any way condoning what she did -- and by the way, neither does she. but life?
if you want to put a face on the draconian drug sentencing that has ruined so many lives, look no further than sharanda jones. but while more than 6,000 federal inmates walk this week, sharanda sits. and that's not right. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ just press clean and let roomba help with your everyday messes. a full suite of sensors automatically guides roomba throughout your home. cleaning under furniture, along edges and in corners. and with its powerful three-stage cleaning system roomba picks up pet hair, dust and debris for up to 2 hours, recharging itself when it needs to. which means your floors are always clean. you and roomba from irobot®. better together™. wow. sweet new subaru, huh myep.? you're selling the mitchmobile!? man, we had a lot of good times in this baby. what's your dad want for it?
..like a hundred and fifty grand, two hundred if they want that tape deck. you're not going to tell your dad about the time my hamster had babies in the backseat, are you?! that's just normal wear and tear, dude. (vo) subaru has the highest resale value of any brand... ...according to kelley blue book ...and mitch. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. i'm s(ding)g. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches
with 100% real cheese. guys, i'm back! new snack bites from... (ding) ♪ hot pockets! we'raxe daily fragrances.his, but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird. the first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. ono off-days, or downtime.ason.
opportunity is everything you make of it. this winter, take advantage of our season's best offers on the latest generation of cadillacs. the 2016 cadillac ats. get this low-mileage lease from around $269 per month, or purchase with 0% apr financing. >> larry: welcome back. i am a man of simple desires. all i want is to eat soul food with every single person running for president. tonight, in the "soul food sit-down," i'm joined by kentucky senator rand paul. ♪ i'm here with dr. rand paul. thanks for being here. >> thanks for invite meg to your
house for dinner. >> larry: what's your vision? what i'm for versus the others is they want power. mr. trump, what would he say? i'm so huge, smart, rich, i can do anything. >> larry: he would probably call you a loser. >> probably, and he would say give me more power because i'm so smart i can take care of it. i'm a believer in the people and that you should disperse power. >> larry: his poll numbers are going up. there are something about the insults that's working. i know you don't want to be insulting other candidates, but i don't think there is anything wrong with going after somebody's momma. i mean, in the next debate if trump comes after you and says i don't believe rand paul should be here you slam him with your momma's so stupid. >> your momma wears army boots? >> larry: i'll give you an example. your momma is so stupid she thinks pound cake is -- >> a vegetable?
i need better material. (laughter) >> larry: in the battle of surgeons, ben carson seems to be winning that battle right now. he's a twin separator, you're an eye surgeon. why do you think america is going for a guy who separates twins twins because that's sounds divisive. >> what's the brain without eyes? >> larry: eyes are very important. do you think ben carson's a mad scientist? i don't mean like angry, i mean, like, crazy. i call him black droopy the dog. do you believe i could be president? (laughter) what is your position on guns? are you pro guns, anti-guns, more, less gun control? >> i guess the way to put it is the bill of rights guaranteed certain liberties. >> larry: right, the right to own slaves. >> well, that wasn't actually in the bill of rights. >> larry: that was just
understood. >> wasn't exactly in the bill of rights. >> larry: you spoke at howard university. >> right. >> larry: you and ben carson are the only republican candidates with black hair. >> i didn't think about that. you're right. >> larry: which black hair products do you use? >> i just use water. does that count? >> larry: do you use a pick or a comb? >> uh... >> larry: would you ever consider getting a jerry curl? >> i'm not sure what that, is i have been accused of it. >> larry: have you ever had one? >> i would like to try. >> larry: i can get you the activator, the gloves, chemicals, all that stuff. next debate, you will be jerry curling down. >> that would knock it out of the park? >> larry: yes. you have good ideas for criminal justice reform. tell me about that.
>> i think people deserve second chances. i also think it's a mistake to put people in jail for the most part for marijuana and other minor offenses. i'm an advocate but i'm also not for putting people in jail for making mistakes. people make mistakes with alcohol all the time. >> larry: it's time for keep it 100. this is a two-part question. first markets do you hate donald trump? >> i really love donald trump. >> larry: you love donald trump? >> yeah, i do. i think he's hilarious. >> larry: this is a man who told you he didn't belong in the debate. >> he's in the wrong arena now. he would be great in an arena of television. >> larry: you're not keeping it 100. >> maybe 70. >> larry: if trump asked you to be his runningmate, would you? >> it would be an utter and absolute disaster and i would want no part of it. >> larry: thank you!
that's what i'm talking about! that's how you keep it 100! >> it's like the first time on n "jeopardy." >> larry: if you're looking for someone to keep it 100, it's rand paul, because he's taking a stand! >> absolutely! (cheers and applause) once again, thanks to senator paul for joining us. we'll be right back. i'm starving. (ding) we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guys, i'm back! new snack bites from... (ding) ♪ hot pockets! i...got you something. ohh!! (gasps) agh!! diamonds! yeah. mmmm! 5 swirled diamonds, new in lucky charms! ♪
[ screaming ] rate suckers! [ bell dinging ] your car insurance goes up because of their bad driving. people try all sorts of ways to get rid of them. [ driver panting ] if you're sick of paying more than your fair share... [ screams ] get snapshot from progressive, and see just how much your good driving could save you.
(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, nightly show contributor, mike yard. she's the co-host of "the young turks" on the tyt network and columnist at rawstory, ana kasparian. and he joins the cast of the tony-nominated broadway play "hand to god" tomorrow, actor and comedian bob saget. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter "at nightly show" using the hashtag "tonightly."
a lot of stuff going on but i had to talk about halloween this weekend. there were a number of so called "inappropriate costumes." social media is going crazy. for example, there was one of cosby. (audience reacts) caitlyn jenner, and here we have harry hamlin got in trouble for one. okay. it's halloween. are we mad at this? >> i don't like seeing a swastika except on a little kid. (laughter) i think the cosby thing was missing the briefcase. you've got to have that because it has all the supplies. >> larry: oh, the supplies. yeah, the stuff that -- >> larry: you want the costume to be better, is what you're saying... >> go big or go home.
i think we have enough problems in the world we should probably not emphasize them by taking kids out -- well, those weren't kids. >> larry: the kids were dressed as cosby. >> i think that would still be hilarious. cosby was hilarious. caitlyn jenner, does the guy not have an internet? would you really put that on? >> if bill cosby were in prison, i think it would be clever, but he's getting away with rape. (applause) but there was a pablo escobar i found really funny. >> larry: the baby? yes. >> larry: someone dressed up their baby as pablo escobar, the drug king. this is true! (laughter)
>> i saw that kid in times square and bought a nickel bag. the kid delivers. >> larry: is it okay to dress your kid as a drilling kingpin? >> i was mad at first but then i saw the video and i was laughi laughing. >> larry: are you mad if someone dresses as an infamous character? can you be osama bin laden or is that too much? >> what i read was what happened to the good old days when osama bin laden was a monster? well, osama bin laden was a monster. i get it's offensive to some people, but -- >> larry: would you dress your baby as osama bin laden? >> i personally wouldn't and i understand those who get offended by it. >> larry: what if the baby really, really loved osama bin laden? (laughter) >> and babies love linen. (laughter) if you're going to dress your kid as osama bin laden, you want to bring the next person next to
you dressed as bradley cooper from american sniper so you have the combo to take out the guy. >> larry: so you're covered. it's cute. you get a lot of likes on facebook and comments. but what about when the kid grows up and he tries to get a job and it's there! (laughter) >> larry: i was three years old! you're not getting the job, you were three years old and making a coke deal! >> exactly! you were pablo escobar at three years old, can't get the job. >> larry: harry hamlin, i think were the sex pistols. i think they thought somehow, oh, i forgot i had a swastika on there. >> come on, dude! how long it's been a thing you're not supposed to have? >> i don't think it's knot -- i don't know nothing but i think it's aztec. >> i think it's an asian thing. wish it would have stayed
that and not be taken by a mad man. >> larry: baby hitler, is it okay? >> you mean as a premise? (laughter) >> are we talking about adult swim show? mel brooks used to make a lot of humor out of it and we're so sensitive now because there's so much damn hate. >> larry: he was talking about the producers, right. >> yeah. >> larry: but the baby wouldn't be satirical. >> but every baby -- it sounds awesome. no, it does not sound awesome! hitler killed 6 million people! it's not cute! >> more than that, probably, because the truth of it is -- (laughter) >> larry: i'm only saying from a pure joke point of view, not from a real-life baby of hitler, which i would agree with that, but from a joke point of view --
>> if you're a comedian, i feel you get a pass because they get to joke about what they want to, but when it comes to nazi imagery, think about all the lives that were lost and -- >> no, it's horrible. that's why comedians do that. i deal with pain through gallows humor. that's where i will end up doing my last humor, at the gallows. >> larry: remember that baby hitler bit... >> i'll give you an example, people getting a black face, wrong, right? a lot of white people would love to get in black face. can we give them an exception on halloween or not? >> no, no, hell, no! (cheers and applause) hell, no! >> larry: we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) if you live in new york city gap
tickets to "the nightly show." ♪ ♪ ♪ welcome to the most social car we've ever designed. the 2015 nissan murano. recipient of autopacific's best-in-class vehicle satisfaction award. ♪ i...got you something. ohh!! (gasps) agh!! diamonds! yeah. mmmm! 5 swirled diamonds, new in lucky charms! i'm s(ding)g. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches
with 100% real cheese. guys, i'm back! new snack bites from... (ding) ♪ hot pockets! (we are so excited to hear youre mergbig ideasableworld, on how we're going to take on directv. so over to you. (newhart) thank you. full disclosure. we forgot to come up with ideas. (cw exec) yeah, we got messed up last night. you're lucky we're even here. (newhart) but, we did bring breakfast. (jmh) bagels? (newhart) nope. (woman) oh my goodness. (newhart) peel and eat shrimp. (cole) not how i would have gone but it's good, it's innovative. and that's what we want here. (vo) get rid of cable and switch to directv. call 1-800-directv. brought personal computers to the home? totally. ...and then intel made them more efficient so that you could fit all this into a laptop... tight. real tight. ...and then they helped bring wifi to everybody... whatever that is. c'mon, c'mon. ...and now intel's best processor ever is here! which helps pcs do things you never thought possible. like time travel? hey, these pants are timeless!
introducing intel's new 6th generation core processor, it's our best processor ever. every day, brian drives carefully to work. and every day brian drives carefully to work, there are rate suckers. he's been paying more for car insurance because of their bad driving for so long, he doesn't even notice them anymore. but one day brian gets snapshot from progressive. now brian has a rate based on his driving, not theirs. get snapshot and see just how much your good driving could save you. ♪ not much has changed except... thit feels different. now you press lightly to peek... and deeper to pop. it changes how easily you can peek a flight. check a post... search for dinner... oh, you guys are gonna love that place! you can find a getaway easier... yeah, go there! and find music easier... wait, are you listening to your own song? jamie foxx: no, i was... uh, hello? so pretty much everything you do feels different.
( cheers, applause ) governor palin, thank you for agreeing to talk with me one more time. oh, hey, you know, sure. did you enjoy your week in new york city? ya know, i did, katie, and i wasn't sure i would at first. new york is, of course, home to the liberal media elite, but todd and the kids had a great time going to the central park and the fao schwarz and that goofy evolution museum. so it sounds like the trip was a success. well, there were some funny moments. for instance, i had 15 to 20 false alarms where i thought i saw osama bin laden driving a taxi. i was embarrassed to be wrong, but mostly disappointed i wasn't right.
also, in an effort to bone up on foreign policy, i went to the times square area to see a film called the bush doctrine. it was not about politics. you went to the un for the first time. how was that experience? oh, ya know, it was just amazing, so many interesting people. though i have to say, i was disheartened by how many of them were foreigners. i promise that when senator mccain and i are elected we're gonna get those jobs back in american hands. how did the world leaders you met with react to you? they embraced me, katie, both figuratively