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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 4, 2015 2:37am-3:09am PST

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>> larry: that's the show. i want to thank our panelists, jordan carlos, crystal wright, and ron perlman. student for "@midnight" with chris hardwick. good nightly everyone. is: it's 9 seconds. this happened on amazon.com today! amazon has revolutionized the way we shop, putting all manner of products at our fingertips, from "the complete works of proust" to the tuggie: "the fuzzy sock that warms your
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-- ." [laughing] i'm wearing one right now [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's why i host with such confidence. now, the online retailer is making its boldest move yet: an actual store that you can go to! with your body. that will never catch on. yes, amazon opened a physical bookstore today in seattle. so their plan all along was to crush brick and mortar stores to build their own brick and mortar stores. those diabolical geniuses-- they probably even bought the brick and mortar on amazon! no word yet on if they'll replicate the online experience and allow customers to shop in their underwear and pause periodically to look at porn. comedians, if this trend catches on what are some other stores we might see from popular websites?
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samm levine- go! >> gezebels punch you in the face kiosk. >> chris: a hundred percent. alex borstein... >> tenders drive through cuddling shack. [laughing] greg proops... >> facebook hall of racist assholes you went to high school with. >> chris: yes a hundred percent. let's get on these people. these brick and mortar stores won't fill themselves. it's time for @midnight! [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday! [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: such a giving audience. you're so supportive of people not yourselves winning things. presented by monster dna! we're giving people things today, those are headphones. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, and the winning tag team partner will receive a pair of monster dna headphones! >> can we go back to the fuzzy. isn't that we want, ladies, a nice hot. [bleep] really hot. >> chris: darling you don't want it served below 101°. tonight's comedians are: from "kevin pollak's chat show" weekly podcast and deleted mmmavailable on blu-ray today, it's samm levine. scenes in "vacation,"
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it's samm levine. today you are playing for @fejimanz. from "getting on," season 3 returns november 8 on hbo and "love the coopers" in theaters november 13th, it's alex borstein. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome, welcome. i see through the randomizer you're playing for tony. author of "the smartest book in the world," his new album "in the ball park" drops november 27, available now for pre-order on itunes, it's greg proops. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: i see you are playing for trash queen @j lindsecho. it's rapid refresh, ripped from today's internet headlines. >> the official citizens will be allowed to pronounce wee. speaking of wee bits of cocaine. just a wee bit. a wee bit you're fine. a halloween video posted to facebook posted con tre controvh a toddler dressed up at pablo he ipabloescobar.
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pablo escobaby. the guy who took this video was later killed by a fisher price car bomb. [laughing] >> chris: so adorable. maybe the coolers back there are full of his kindergarten teacher kidneys, we don't know. maybe this little fell selling irish men their tiny spot of cocaine. sam. >> bring me the mr. potato heads of all of my enemies. >> points. tk-d. [ applause ] >> chris: alex. >> i want you to stab me in the throat with a tiny sharpened straw. i call this the columbian juice
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box. >> chris: points. greg. >> you get the man, the power, then you get a little baggy full of cheerios before nap time. >> chris: points. yes. [ applause ] >> chris: and the ends of rapid refresh it's time for the #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] >> chris: y'all tomorrow night is the cma awards. country music hands out prestigious awards like entertainer of the year and biggest hat. >> most white people in a group. chris: most white people in one time that's not a rally. [laughing] >> chris: now we may=t not watch cmss. they care about pod racers and pick-up trucks.
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so, to merge the two worlds a little bit, tonight's hashtag is #nerdycountrymusic #nerdycountrymusic [cheers and applause] examples: "a boy named sulu", "second life is a highway", and my favorite the alternate ego darth brooks. that's what i called chris gains when he became crying gains, darth brooks. begin. >> dolly parter accelerator. chris: points. >> i walked the line for star wars tickets. >> chris: points. >> wally nelson. chris: points. >> lady antimatter. chris: points. >> jesus takes a joystick. chris: points. >> tammy why netflicks.
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chris: points. >> buck owens in the 25th century. [laughing] >> chris: i would watch that, points. sam. >> achey flaky dandruff. chris: points. sam. >> always on my mindcraft. chris: points. >> wynona judd -- principal. >> when you google it you will [beep] yourself. so funny. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #nerdycountrymusic and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag. war was sent to us by @keatingthomas. fancy name.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. looks like sam levine is in first place right now. >> this is the only time i will ever have a lead in anything. >> chris: it's time to play amazon book fair: job fair edition. the u.s. department of labor says unemployment is down and for the second straight month, job numbers are the best they've been in seven years. hear that, @midnight viewers? brush off those cheetos crumbs, or as i like to call it, "unemployment dust," and get a goddamn job. so comedians, in honor of the fact that americans are back to work, we're going to show you a bunch of vocational books about some of our most time honored professions. for 250 points give me a chapter in the book. first one top ten mistakes
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pastors make. >> kids say the most seductive things. [laughing] >> chris: points. alex. >> -- ya it counts. chris: craig. >> chapter 7, why it's wrong to ask a young boy to the on your staff. >> chris: points. >> that's from the book of booty ronimy. i guess the crowd was a little touchy about that one. i guess butt stuff is really [beep] tasteful. >> chris: next one. an amazing journey inside my mouth. it's just me and my dentist. alex. >> chapter 5, because your wife won't go on that journey
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anymore. [laughing] >> chris: points. next one "how to be a doll detective." living dog -- >> how to leave a note when you're eaten by your cats. >> chris: they will eat you. >> they will. chris: craig. >> this is from the forward. this will make you so sad. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> now the mystery is solved i don't know what to do with my life or my knife. i would like to make an amazing journey. >> i'm sorry where? >> inside your mouth. chris: oh! [ applause ]
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>> chris: moving on "the poll position: is stripping for you? and how to stay healthy doing i" >> chapter 7 when to put down the little carpet. >> chris: alex. >> chapter 6, getting out of john mayor's trunk. [laughing] >> it also says look inside above the book. that's extra. [laughing] kwreufplt a hundred points for that. that's the end of amazon book fare. it's time for our live challenge. [cheers and applause] >> chris: this picture of a sexy
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snack time surprise that will make you bust your hazel nut. what's up, netela stick with great hair. look at that smooth [beep]. go to the photo shop battles and saw a glimpse of the snacks future as a gop presidential candidate. [ applause ] >> chris: seen here debating with another taste lef tastelesr with fake hair. [cheers and applause] >> chris: comedians give me a line from the nutella stick campaign speech. we will go more after the
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i asked you for a line from this dashing nutella speech. >> i'm going to build a chocolate wall. keep the peanut butter out. >> chris: perfect. alex. >> eat me, mother [beep] chris: alright. sam. >> ask not what nutella can do for your ban an as. ask what you can do to pretend you're not getting diabetes. >> chris: alright. 250 to sam. and i'm going to give -- >> don't over think it, chris.
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chris: oh, let's make this a race a thousand points to greg and alex. perfect. now who has to work for this [beep]. ya ... i do not have any real power in life. alright time to play "riders in the sky." [cheers and applause] tmz just obtained the riders from jay z and kayne west's contracts and it's exactly what you'd expect from two guys with messianic complexes and 40 jillion dollars. for example, hova demands three $80 tuberose-scented candles in rooms that are exactly 71 degrees, while yeezus will only allow cylindrical vases and insists that hotel staff track down a specific speaker that was discontinued 10 years ago. celebrities are known for making
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crazy ass demands in their contracts, like how mariah carey insists that every hotel provide 20 extinct passenger pigeons and execute all albinos within a 10-mile radius. it's real, guys. look it up. so, comedians i'm going to show you a celebrity and you give me a rider from their contract. first one, paris hilton. >> tiny cups to gather able tears she can drink like sake. >> chris: sam. >> a mop for all this -- chris: points. >> a dude that looks like a lady. >> chris: points. miley cyrus. >> a bubble gum clit ring. chris: points. next one. gordon ramsey. >> a bubble gum clit ring. chris: points. and lastly, sam lavin. >> a giant plastic bubble to
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shield them from realty. >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of riders in the sky. i see alex, you're in third place. you're wonderful and hilarious. i adore you. any last words? >> i'm just happy you're going to have my dream realized -- >> chris: we will make that happen. come on, people! it's been right there the whole time. red lights, alex. i know. now we have to move on. >> chris: that means it's time to take a spacewalk... it's for the win! i have a name for your drive through shack. chick fillet. >> jack in the box. chris: right there.
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>> flip the bean and tea leaves. chris: how about smell taco. >> southern california orientated, in and out burger. >> my god this is the show. >> one more. tops of pies. >> chris: yes. international house of poon cakes. >> i can't i have children. chris: oh, now you draw the line. you serious? are you kidding me? come on. moving on like nothing happened. today in 1957, russian dog laika became the first living thing to orbit the earth, and also the first dog to die in space.
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good girl she died doing what he loved: being surprised by his own farts in the vacuum of space. now, recently, a bunch of soviet space memorabilia sold online, including spacesuits, a weird hand-held space toilet, and even an empty bottle of cognac chugged by yuri gagarin after he landed and realized he was back in russia in the fifties. but here's the ruble shot: a dog spacesuit. all dressed up to go to burning dog. i'll bet that smells great. yes, that's an actual suit worn by real space dogs that russia shot into space, where the dogs were immediately relieved to be away from those maniacs. comedians, i want you to review this spacesuit as a dog. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, i showed this soviet dog spacesuit and i asked you to write a review of the suit as a literate pup. let's see what you wrote. first one. can't lick my know balls. no stars. [ applause ] >> chris: number two, dog space suit warehouse, you're going to like the way you suffocate and burn up on reentry. i guarantee it. [cheers and applause]

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