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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  November 4, 2015 9:53am-10:26am PST

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jeb bush changed his campaign slogan to "jeb can fix it." it's a play on his brother's campaign slogan "dubya done fuxed it up." and we'll examine ben carson's shocking ride to the top of the g.o.p. my theory. he's a secret muslim from kenya. we love those guys. let's do it america. this is "nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. it's a great crowd. >> larry! larry! larry. >> larry: thank you so much. welcome to "nightly show." i have a great show. and i want to say for the
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record, i think panthers should direct panther movies. ( cheers and applause ) it's not gonna make shens you sense out there, but trust me. they know what i'm talks about. actor ron perlman joining us on panel tonight. very excited about that. ( cheers and applause ) oh, by the way, by the way, by the way, today is election day, in exactly one year from when the white house will officially be de-negrofied. that means it's time to see what's happening with the unblackening. ( laughter ) the topic today is the g.o.p. is still complaining about the way they were treated during last week's debate, and their ire seems to be centered around a certain type of question. >> gotcha questions. >> gotcha questions. >> gotcha questions. >> we should have moderators who are interested in disseminating the information about the candidates as opposed to, you
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know, gotcha. ( laughter ) >> larry: okay, gotcha. creepy doctor, mr. one-man haunted house. i got you. ( laughter ) you know, seems like if you're running for president, you should be able to handle any type of question. you know, for more on this we're going to our newest and hilarious contributors, president barack obama. >> it turns out, they can't handle a bunch of cnbc moderators. ( cheers and applause ) if you can't handle those guys... ( laughter ) you know, then, i don't think the chinese and the the russians are going to be too worried about you. >> audience: ooooh! >> larry: the president is funny, man. he-- he is hilarious. kind of doing my job. ( laughter )
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spending a lot of time joke writing, mr. president. might want to use some of that hilarious interview to figure out isis. >> audience: ooh! >> larry: yeah. i just burned you. people want to watch an african tell jokes, go watch "the daily show," okay? all right. yeah. this is my house! this is my house! ( cheers and applause ) okay, republicans, what can we do to make your job interview experience for leader of the free world a little more to your liking? >> no lightning rounds, no hand raising. >> opening and closing remarks of at least 30 seconds. >> editorial control of the graphics that are put up on the screen while the candidates are speaking. >> and the room must be 67 degrees fahrenheit or colder. >> they don't want to feel disrespected. >> larry: then why are they in politics! ( cheers and applause ) i mean, dis-- you don't go into
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politics to be respected. what your second choice of profession, porn? it doesn't even make sense. this is so nit-picky. they want to have editorial control of the graphics? i don't even get that. ( laughter ) oh! guys! cut it out, please! i know it's turtle something, cut it out. god lord! candidates, everybody thinks you're just being a bunch of babies. which is actually insultings to babies. no, it is. in fact, the national council for babies just released this statement. "it is grievously insulting to the entire baby community to equivocate us with the whiney, manipulative g.o.p. hopefuls. our diapers may be pull of poopoo, but unlike the candidates trying to weasel out of tough debate questions, we are not." ( cheers and applause ) very upset.
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them be some upset babies. you know, let me tell you, nobody's filling their diaper about media bias more than jeb bush. after an embarrassing showing at last week's debate, jeb! had this to say at a campaign event in tampa. >> if lincoln were alive today, imagine the foolish think he would have to suffer. think about it. advisers telling him to shave his beard. cable pundits telling him to lose the top hat. ( laughter ) >> larry: wrong... if lincoln were alive today he'd wonder what are cars? and why are black people driving one named after me? i don't-- why is that-- it doesn't... ( laughter ) and, jeb, please don't compare yourself to lincoln unless that lincoln is lincoln chafee nwhich case-- yes, you are both dull
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turkey look-alikes who don't know how to debate, okay. that makes sense. i'm sorry, jeb. did i disrespect you. why don't i turn down the air conditioning a little. yeah. larry's burning tonight. jeb's got bigger problems than this. he's gone from third place to fifth place in the national polls. so how is senor punto de exclamacion trying to take control of his campaign? >> he has changed his campaign slogan from jeb! >> larry: he's getting rid of the exclamation point! no! no! ( cheers ) i love that little guy! i can't believe this. okay. pull it together, wilmore. i mean, he had to do something. i get it. he's only at 8% in the polls. all right, so what's he changes his slogan to, a question mark?
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( laughter ) an asterisk? a pren sis? >> his campaign people say you're going to see a more aggressive jeb bush. he is launching a new campaign with the slogan, "jeb can fix it." >> jeb can fix it. >> jeb can fix it. >> jeb can fix it. >> jeb can fix it. >> i can fix it. >> larry: jeb can fix it? you know, unless you're running to be the new super at my apartment building, that slowingab doesn't make you qualified for the job. ( cheers and applause ) and besides, my vote is already with my boy franklin. franklin 2016-- better shower pressure. my vote. talking about fixing it. here to talk more about this change in strategy is jeb's campaign adviser liza delgado. alize awelcome to the show. >> hi, larry. >> so what's up with this new slogan? >> oh, larry, it is all about fixing it. un, this country's broken.
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and jeb is a one-man genius bar. >> larry: but, hold on, but your campaign is hemorrhaging money. i mean you had to cut payroll costs by 40% and downsize your miami headquarters. >> that is right. jeb's fixed our problem with a larger office by moving us to a smaller one. he's america's duct tape. ( laughter ). >> larry: but your recruiting numbers are horrible. your staff in iowa made 70,000 phone calls and only recruited four volunteers. shouldn't he be concerned? >> concerned. we had 0 volunteers. now there are four. 4% increase. fix it! >> larry: how you can be so upbeat when the governor slipped in the polls. >> everybody told us we got to get out of third place. what did jeb co? he fixed it! >> he fixed it into fifth place. >> but we're out of third, larry. jeb's going to fix the final
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number later. you can only fix one thing at a time. >> larry: it looks like he can't fix anything at all. >> uh, really? as the son of a one-term president jeb pulled himself up by his father's bootstraps. and when his brother w. tanked the economy, tell me who fixed it? >> obama? >> you know what? allow me to fix your answer, larry. it was jeb. he can fix all. >> larry: jeb didn't fix it. now you're just saying the word "fix it." it doesn't even make sense. >> larry, the american people are not interested in things making sense. i know what they are interested in? >> larry: fixing it. >> larry, exclamation point! look at those guys! >> larry: all right, we're done here. liza delgado, everyone. >> he's going to fix it all. he's going to fix you. ( cheers and applause ) before earning enough cash back from bank of america
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. we talked about the upblackening tonight, given the success of ben carson, we may have a reblackening. i just love watching that. that's how that goes. but i have to say, guys, i don't understand ben carson's success. i mean he doesn't seen charismatic to me. he has no political experience. i don't whan his vision is. i don't even know if he has vision. he looks like he's asleep all the time. i just don't get it. but he summer has put a spell on a part of the republican electate, so to help us wrap our brains around things we can comprehend we're introducing a
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new segment on the show called, "black magic." all right! now, because i'm going to be doing magic, i brought in some witnesses so you know this stuff is legit. thank you, witnesses. ( cheers and applause ) so let's assume for a moment that ben carson is a magician. think about it. he speaks in a soothing, hypnotic voice. he sawed a pair of twins in half. he made jeb bush's dreams disappear. ( laughter ) okay, now, take this deck of cards and let's assume that ben carson is a jack of clubs, ordinary jack. now he starts off here in the middle of the pack, but as you can see no one else in the race looked like him. and he certainly is not on top. but carson is what musicians call an ambitious card, and even though he was only polling at 5% in june. now he's back on top. ( bleep )! >> a wild card!
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>> larry: guys. >> how did he do that! how did he do that? >> larry: i've explained this on the show before. black people are a little wary of magic. ( laughter ) they tend to black react it. no, i know, it's not racism. it's just science. it's true. here's an example of david blaine dealing with this. i've showed this before. >> open it. open it. >> ah! >> larry: my bad. i probably should have mentioned that before. but here's the thing-- carson isn't just any magician. he's a regular houdini. even when the pundits tried to place him in the middle of the pack and tried to bind him-- where's my-- oh, here's my-- and try to bind him to unelectability because of the wack thing he said like obamacare is worse than slavery and the holocaust wouldn't have happened if people were armed. don't blink.
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( cheers and applause ) >> what are you doing! you don't see that! you don't see that! what is wrong with you! get out of here! get out of here! where you from, y'all? >> larry: how does he do it? most of what comes out of carson's mouth is unbelievable but every magician works his wand. the reason magic works is people just want to believe. ( bleep ). ( bleep ). >> larry: guys! guys! remember this, even though something is amazing, it's not real, it's not real. it's fake. it's not real. we'll be right back. it's not real. ( cheers and applause )
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xfinity on demand let's you catch up and keep up with fall tv. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, nightly show contributor jordan carlos. ( cheers and applause ) she's the editor of the blog "conservative black chick," crystal wright. ( cheers and applause ) and his new memoir, "easy street (the hard way)," is in stores now, actor ron perlman. ( cheers and applause )
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and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag "tonightly." so we were talking about ben carson earlier. he's officially at number one in the polls. he's at 29, trump is at 23. i guess it's an aggregate of the national. >> something like that. >> larry: i just don't understand trump, and i mean carson-- i don't understand trump, either, but i don't understand carson, trump for a different reason. i kind of get trump. trump's got a message. he's very clear. he's going to ( bleep ) for us. i get it, right. i mean, carson, to me, yeah, he's a good doctor, but he's kind of like black droopy the dog. and who doesn't like black droopy. i get that. that only explains third place. what explains first place. >> i'm as miffed as you are, because, honestly, i think he has all the personality of a quaalude, and he's even hard tore swallow, so i-- i'm a
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little-- quaalude fans-- >> you know-- >> there's a kind of a happy ending to a quaalude. >> you're right. >> i read about that in the book. >> i kind of agree with jordan and ron. but i don't think-- i think-- >> that's never going to work. >> no, i don't think carson is, like air, quaalude. i think he's like a can of marshmallow fluff. i like trump. i wouldn't say i'm endorsing him now, but i think carson is rising in the polls because he's appealing to the angry old white male voter, which is the base of our party. we don't need any more white votes, folk. >> larry: the angry white males voting for carson? >> yes. and it's like the evangelicals because they're the ones that everybody wants-- everybody wants to us believe it's the old angry white guys, if they had only voted when romney ran in 2012, he would be in the white house. i hate to tell them, he didn't have enough-- you know, it's about people who look like me and jordan and hispanics and
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women with vaginas, and unfortunately the republican party loses on all those. i'm kind of flummoxed like you. the carson phenom eye think people just don't know who he is. he's like a blank canvas. >> he's telling us who he is, exactly. he said he used to come at people with, like, brick bats and hammers and things like that. >> he's the best. >> he said he came at somebody with a hunting knife. >> larry: why do you think he's getting a pass on some of the stuff he says? people just don't seem to care. he compared obamacare to slavery. i mean, slavery was pretty bad. i don't it's like health care. i mean, health care as bad as bureaucracy can get-- >> it's not as bad as slavery. >> you've never been to the emergency room in the bronx. >> larry: oh? >> >> remember 999 man. herman cain. everybody remembers him. herman cain at this time in the campaign in 2012 was ahead of romney. look, carson's going to go away. he won't be the next negro in the white house.
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i can guarantee you that. i think we checked the box once-- no offense. i say this tongue in cheek. >> larry: we're not going to go black to black. >> you're not going to have back-to-back black in the white house. i think they're like -- >> you said angry white men are voting for carson. >> they are. you can-- but it's because -- >> are they angry because they're voting for carson like that's the only choice they have. like, "this is our choice!" >> this is our choice to get behind a real black. you know who said that, right. >> larry: rupert said it. >> do you think it's a symptom of the republican party just feeling broken now. i feel like they cannibalized a lot of good candidates. >> right. there's been a premium put on the amateur and i know carson cheaps championing, i have no experience." would he want a brain surgeon to work on him who had zero experience? very doubtful. ( cheers and applause ) it's going to be a little hard to find a running mate if he gets the nomination that has less experience. he's going to need, like, three
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little kids in a trench coat, something like that. >> larry: the no experience ploy doesn't tend to play out that well. you know. >> i mean, there are a lot of politicians who end up doing well that don't come into office -- >> president? >> president barack obama? he didn't have a ton of experience. he was an activist. i don't know if he accomplished a lot. he was criticized like rubio is being criticized. what did obama accomplish. >> larry: rubio actually has-- he is in government-- >> that doesn't mean he's doing anything. >> guys, there is a time for amateurs and it's in porn, no place else. ron, do you agree with that? >> my favorite porn. ( cheers and applause ) and some of my favorite senators. >> larry: do you think carson has an actual chance to win the nomination? >> absolutely not, absolutely not which is why i'm personally rooting for him like crazy.
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i'm not sure if i'm rooting more for him or for trump. because i think-- because i just-- i feel like-- >> donald trump actually has a chance of winning the nomination. >> you think? >> i do. >> larry: i agree with that. >> and i think because he's talking about issues, again, not in this rhetoric-- hillary clinton can't even tell you her favorite ice cream without saying, "hold on a minute, if i say chocolate i'll piss off the whites. if i say neapolitan-- that's it. trump, he talks like we talk probably in our kitchen, in our bedroom-- >> it's not all that good. >> i think it is good. i think it's language people can understand. ( cheers and applause ) i like it! >> i'm really like hoping and praying for somebody that talks way better than me. >> larry: is race an issue with carson at all? >> is race an issue. i think carson is one of the only people in the g.o.p. who is good at it. when it comes whoever they throw up, i don't see race.
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i'm not going to vote for them. the crazy stuff they say, he's like, "hey, man, if the jews had guns, there would be no holocaust." you made a democratic voter out of me, my friend. ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: i don't think we'll be abe to figure this out but you'll see. this is one of those years where i say you never, ever know. president elizabeth warren? aaarr! we'll be right back. >> you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free tickets to an upcoming taping of "nightly show." the show tapes monday through thursday. (vo) after 50 years of designing cars for crash survival, subaru has developed our most revolutionary feature yet. a car that can see trouble... ...and stop itself to avoid it. when the insurance institute for highway safety
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roll our eyes at people on reality shows who.... oh shh shh shh, oh my god he's about to propose. oh, it's so cute. >> larry: that's the show. i want to thank our panelists, jordan carlos, crystal wright, and ron perlman. student for "@midnight" with chris hardwick. good nightly everyone. >> you're watching c-span. april fools' pranks." congressional hearing for the recall, where the c.e.o. of gm, opening remarks. like to apologize to everyone recall. to long to address this safety investigating the matter fully, and the new gm is all about honesty and transparency. questions. >> thank you, ms. barra. wasn't gm aware of a problem switch way back in 2006? >> we're looking into that. when it discovered the problem? well. response was? congressman, that was the old gm. would handle an issue like this. gm would handle it. handle it? >> we're looking into that. ms. degette from colorado. >> thank you, mr. murphy. find out about the ignition problem? investigation. when you knew? when i first knew about it, but knowing until i know for sure. transparency you said was part
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