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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 11, 2015 2:39am-3:11am PST

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(cheers and applause) >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists rory albanese, bridget everett and bill nye. bill nye the science guy! (cheers and applause) stay tuned for @midnight with chris hardwick. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on facebook today! president obama is nearing the end of his presidency, and boy is he doing a lot of dicking around. here he is doing some star wars trick-or-treating. right there. wait, no cost assume? cp3 obama. it's right there! i want to let you know i'm fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. a cp30 lean. i think you were more confused on my bad obama i am personnization. hello i'm president obama. what the [beep], no you're not. you're terrible, chris hardwick.
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i know. and here he is with wingman joe biden, just doing some light jogging in their dress pants so when they meet putin later, their balls are nice n' stanky. this week, he submitted to the ultimate enemy of productivity-- he joined facebook! [ applause ] i crist a shrewd and forward political move he says it's going to be a place where people can share thoughts and stories and "some just for fun stuff too." so, you know, facebook. just explained facebook on facebook. [ applause ] >> chris: comedians what just of "just for fun" facebook stuff will the potus be posting? david- go! >> is racist and send swat team to the house.
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>> phil. >> he wants to look up old girlfriends but none have facebook. >> chris: eugene. >> he's posting videos of hosting putting on condoms. >> chris: it's time for @midnight! >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday! tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight's comedians are: host of "going deep with david rees," premiering tomorrow on esquire network, it's david rees. well done. you are playing for @tulok. martin mcman termly irish right there.
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>> chris: his half-hour special premieres november 14th at 12:30am on comedy central, it's phil hanley. you are playing for @1r whovian94. oh dr. who fans. that's kj alvarez there. his new album "sorry i'm welco welcome -- you're welcome" is available now on sub pop records, tour dates at eugenemirman.com, it's eugene mirman. you are playing for @garagequeen. that's kristen at garage queen. queen of the garage. do you have words for the wisdom. >> no, keep it up you will be fine. [laughing] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid
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"saturday night live" caused a bit of a hullabaloo when they had fancy deli meat sculpture donald trump host the show this weekend. critics panned it, but in snl's defense, trump hasn't been funny since that time he guest starred on "sabado gigante." there he is right there. he got that canceled. "snl" got their highest ratings in years, but due to the fcc's equal time rule, nbc must now offer the other candidates the same time 12 minutes 5 seconds of air time. exact same amount of airtime they gave trump, specifically 12 minutes and five seconds. nbc said that their time doesn't necessarily have to be on "snl", as much as we'd like to see ted cruz whip out his zooey -- his ted burns i am personnization. >> thises did on for 12 more
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minutes. >> chris: yes. comedians how will trump's rivals use their 12 minutes on nbc? >> they will replay ted cruz to catch a predator episode. >> well timed. one minute 12 times. >> chris: points. david. >> jeb bush will go on "blind spot" it's a met for for where he is in the -- metaphor for where he is in the polls. >> chris: perfect. eugene mirman. >> mike huckabee will be on "heroes" where in every scene he will yell "witch" over and over. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright points to aou tkpwaoepblg mir man. if you're a family of four
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chances are you have been to sea world. they're killing the killer whale show. classic spectacle where hundreds of screaming children get to see mentally disturbed animals break with reality in real time before checking out some clinically depressed jellyfish and buying an $18 otter magnet. comedians, now that killer whale shows are canceled, what are some new shows seaworld is introducing to take their place? phil. >> you can't cancel the orca show. once you go black fish you can't go back fish. you can't do it. >> chris: points. david rees. >> i'll going to say multi member giant squid massage parlors. perfect for bachelor parties. >> chris: listen one of those eight arms has to be a happy ending. that's the end of rapid refresh. now it's time for #hashtagwars.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: one of my favorite people bill nye's new book "unstoppable: harnessing science to change the world" came out today. in it, nye encourages us all to become "science guys" and figure out a way to not totally (/ bleep/ ) up the planet with r hairspray and cow farts. so we're going to add a bit more science to the world with tonight's hashtag: #scienceabook #scienceabook examples: "50 shades of gray matter", "catcher in the riboflavin", and "the fault in our burning gaseous spheres". i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting... now! phil. >> how the grinch stole his fesuc. >> chris: phil eugene. >> war and pea sample. >> cat on a hot tin roof.
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hris: david. >> the old man in the co2. chris: points. eugene. >> to kill a mocking bird for dissection purposes. >> chris: points. phil. >> grapes of meth. chris: points. david. >> are you there logic, it's me margaret. >> chris: points. david. >> the biennial with all of the pages torn out. >> chris: points. phil. >> joseph and the techni color lab coat. >> chris: eugene. >> modius dick. chris: david. >> yes systematic -- chris: that's the best way to end that. send us your #scienceabook and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @mdiannone. i don't know if i'm pronouncing that way. so sorry to spoil victory.
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so sorry to spoil victory. well done.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play.uúfashion police. here's the deal. the '70s had two things: terrible fashion and cop shows. anytime you turned on any one of the three available channels, there was throw channels that's it. you'd see some mustachioed jagoff in a plaid suit throwing a pimp dressed-like-a-disco-cheetah into the back of a pontiac dickwagon. we collected a bunch of terrible images from '70s men's fashion catalogues, and comedians, for 250 points, i want you to tell me what their cop show would be called. first up, these fellas who dress to the left, what would you call their cop show? >> oh, man.
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chris: phil. >> show her and grow her. a spin off foreskin and mushroom top was the spin off. >> chris: points. eugene. >> good dick, bad dick. chris: yes, points. >> they're both both. [laughing] [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: david. >> murder she scrote. chris: yes. oh. does that star ang tkpw ela glas berry. >> chris: next up these leotarreded fellas. what the [beep] are they looking what is intriguing in the opposite directions ? >> they're looking at the
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numbers. >> chris: i see a 5. >> i see a 3. >> it might be a clue. >> it's call surveillance. chris: i think they're trying not to make eye con tack they know what they're wearing. phil. >> the show is called stephen and thsteve andthe guy that [be. steve is in the front. >> chris: gripping cop drama. david -fl. >> true defective. chris: points. >> giraffe spotting. that's the first thing they have to"ç solve. [laughing] >> i don't know let's figure it out. onto the murders then. >> chris: next up, these nautical besties, what would you call their cop show? phil. >> that's dick duster and camel toe. >> a great show, great show. chris: totally is. >> that's camel. the other guy is dick duster. >> chris: david.
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>> csi sells sea shells down by the sea shore. >> nailed it. chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next one, this mismatched pair, what would you call their cop show? >> mmm. >> my. chris: david. >> the name of the show is private invest-gators. i will explain the logic of the joke. the second cill balance in investigators is vest. a noun that's described as a sleeve less garment worn over a torso. you will notice both of the people in the photograph are remarkable not just for their hair but the vests they're wearing. there is internal logic for my humor. >> chris: there is, yes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, these bundled birds, what would you call their cop show? [laughing]
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>> what the [beep] chris: eugene. >> detective chicken [beep] pi. chris: points. david. >> the name of the show is the world's greatest detective and the man who is holding him upside down. >> chris: points. points. >> chris: next one, this hard working trio. phil. >> law and order forbidden buddies unit. >> chris: this was so much fun. i wonder what you come up at home. give us your best fashion police cop show title for this picture and tag it #pointsme. use the #pointsme. we may use it on the show! but make it funny or we'll be seriously pissed off. go to pointsme.tv for more info. don't blow this. hopefully you end up on the stage with us. that's the end of fashion police.
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it's time for our next challenge, frosted flirts. celebrities are barraged on twitter with propositions from horny fans, i have heard. especially if you're a sex symbol like john hamm, miley cyrus, tony the tiger. you know. his bulge looks greattt! rule 34 strikes again. if there is something your child likes on the internet someone is probably masturbating to it. i never thought about it the world furries have a hard on for tony the tiger. they come out of the woodwork to see if he's dtfed. that f is not for frosted. there are hot single cereal mascots in your air.
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use a pick up line you would use to get a breakfast mascot into the zach. we will get your answers after the break with more on@ the break with more on@ midnight. there's a network that never stops improving. ...that's grown faster than any other, covering nearly every american. and these geese. but it's not who you think. it's t-mobile. our new extended range lte signal... reaches twice as far. ...and is four times better in buildings. think you know our lte coverage? think again. see for yourself at t-mobile.com/coverage.
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[special effects] lisa! what took you so long? duracell quantum lasts longer in 99% of devices, [laser blasts] so you can power imagination all day long. [duracell slamtones]
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>> chris: welcome back to
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@midnight. before the break i showed you a bunch of furries doing everything they can to get a cereal mascot in the sack, and i -- that's tony the tiger. someone says i want tony to do something else with me with that tong. i'm here to tell you, you don't want to get blown by a tiger. the sand paper touplg would ruin you. think about these things! anyways i asked to you do the same and use pick up lines for other cereal mascots. david. >> hey b.o.o ee boo berry are yo curious. >> chris: phil. >> sunny, i'm koo koo for butt stuff. >> chris: it's going to get all chocolaty then. [laughing] >> chris: eugene mirman. >> silly rabbit.
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tricks are for 41-year-old jews. >> chris: perfect. [ applause ] >> chris: i will do a points to eugene. 5500 to phil and 500 to david. we go to our next game. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for street tough. today is sesame street day, the anniversary of the show that teaches kids important stuff like "the alphabet" and "how to live in your own trash." "sesame street" churned out a lot of classic kids tunes ove the years, most stuck in my head. but maybe none more iconic than kermit the frog's "it's not easy being green." ya, that's how you [beep] rock a kermit. nowadays, though, it actually seems real easy being green. i mean, kermit's got an abc sitcom and things are going
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great with miss piggy...at least, according to this painting we found on etsy: look everything is great. that'll do, pig. that'll do. comedians hrelgts resaoeufb the classic kid song and tell me what else it's not easy being. >> not easy being named donkey hammer. >> chris: points. eugene. >> it's not easy being put with a pig with a unusually large sexual appetite. >> chris: points. phil. >> it's not easy being dyslexic and canadian. i'm a double threat and intimidating. >> chris: points. aou gene. >> it's not easy being the bruised tip of justin bieber's penis. >> chris: why is it bruised? >> ask the detectives from the 70s. >> chris: eugene. >> it's not easy being a suicide bomber getting the wrong address. >> chris: yes. >> it's not being too legit when
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you actually do want to quit. >> chris: that's the end of street tough. i'm sorry david rees we have to eliminate you. eliminate you. >> i'm happy to bee chris: it was an honor to have you on. red slight claim alright. >> chris: that means it's time to win? it's for the win! avid chin collector jeb bush took time to tweet a photo from his iowa campaign from the field office. it's a to-do list with only one thing to do: negative win. congrats you're right on track. clearly, the frank stallone of bushes still doesn't understand
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how -- the internet can be, because he left tons of empty space on that memo board for us to (/ bleep/ ) around with. like this helpful addition from @the yodacat: win. and squeeze balls while peeing side know "pee stored in balls? " i just assumed he stored all of his pees in his joules like a floppy urine camel. let's fill this in with other things that jeb bush has to do. we will have the answers and name a winner when we come back
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[cheers and applause] there you are it's time for the win. wipe, wipe, wipe. you will decide the winner. are you playing for your tag team winner at home. i sent you out a tweet from jebb in iowa they have one job they're not doing.
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the to to do list. number one, win and get paul ryan's phone number. [ applause ] [ applause ] >> chris: or lose or job, win lose our job. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: perfect. seems to be a confetti emitting dinosaur. i believe number two was the winner. who was number two? fill handily. [cheers and applause] thank you, eugene mirman. wonderful to see you. >> chris: you and your teammate have wouldn't internet. >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be jena friedman, open mike eagle, and hari kondabolu. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #scienceabook and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. don't forget to #stph-frplt points me for a tweet on the show. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. goodnight!
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we go now live to a joint press conference between president barack obama and speaker of the house john boehner, where they are expected to give an update on fiscal cliff negotiations. well, good afternoon, and thank you for coming. as you know, speaker boehner and i have spent the afternoon together, and we'd like to announce that we have reached an agreement to avoid the fiscal cliff. in order to get the support of the speaker, i agreed there would be no tax increases. i repeat-- zero tax increases. now, why would i do that? i mean, i won the election. i had the leverage. why give in? well, simply put, i felt sorry for this man. i realized how badly the republican party treats him when he even considers raising taxes.

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