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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 12, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PST

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seconds. this happened on twitter! being a republican presidential candidate is hard, especially when the evil mainstream media is trying to thwart you at every turn by asking tough "gotcha" questions like. "how would you fix the country?" or pitting you against distracting, beefcake moderators like sexy snow owl anderson cooper. the republicans got revenge with a mean wifi sounding password "stop hillary." to get on the debate's network. take that you left-wing media scum.
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try surfing the net for locally sourced quinoa enemas while streaming episodes of "transparent" and signing online petitions to force babies to get gay married on a burning flag with that wi-fi network password in your way. comedians, what's another politically-charged wi-fi password the r.n.c. can use at the next debate? jena- go! >> no womb for compromise. chris: perfect. [ applause ] >> chris: mike... >> all lives matter. [laughing] >> chris: hari... >> captioning sponsored by comedy central bengazi lewinsky these nuts. chris: it's time to start "the "@midnight." >> chris: it's time for "@midnight!" i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: performing her solo show "american (bleep)" at union hall in brooklyn for the new york comedy festival november 14th, it's jena friedman. phraur[ applause ]
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>> chris: just verify that's the name of the show. >> yes it's american. [bleep] >>chris: his new project "cavanaugh" featuring serengeti releases their new album "time & materials" november 19th, tour dates at mikeeagle.net, it's open mike eagle. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome, welcome. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and performing at the theater off jackson in seattle. it's hari kondabolu. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's start this programming. it's ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." you probably don't follow soccer unless you're a foreigner or a hipster lacking social identity, but the sport has billions of fans worldwide.
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that's why adult-entertainment behemoth pornhub is looking to capitalize on those potential boners by sponsoring an italian soccer team. [laughing] >> chris: ya the [beep] of all soccer teams. the ole' h.q. for h.j.s. wants to blast their logo right onto some team's chest. [laughing] >> chris: thank you. just what pornhub needs: more italian guys who love feet. now, the deal might not go through, since soccer games last 90 minutes and pornhub fans aren't used to watching anything longer than 90 seconds. but i have faith. or they will jump to the money shots. ya the balls went in. so comedians, what should be a new rule in pornhub-sponsored soccer? gwen afplt. >> you must be 18 to score. chris: points. yes, good rule. general good rule. mike. >> all the players have to
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pretend to be a little nervous because it's their first time. [laughing] >> chris: definitely points. hari. >> the visiting team has to play my wife first, while i watch. >> chris: points. points. [laughing] >> chris: like to see the away team coming into the casting room. [laughing] >> your guys jokes are really funny. you must watch a lot of porn. >> chris: wait, what are you talking about? i was building off what hari said. he watches more than i do. >> i have a active imagination. >> i watch a lot of porn. >> chris: abominable snowman from the stop motion "rudolph" special, bernie sanders, jus [laughing]
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got a knock-out endorsement fm everyone's favorite violent female, ronda rousey. i love rhonda rousey. come on the show, rhonda rousey. i invite you to come on the show. you're funny and cool. rhonda is feeling the burn praising sanders for resisting the influence of big corporations and big comb. rousey said she doesn't think politicians "should be allowed to take money for their campaigns from outside interests." i wonder how long she grappled with her decision. so, comedians, if lovely white dandelion bernie sanders does become the next president, what position might he give rousey in his cabinet?
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gwen afplt. >> i don't see her in the cabinet. i see her as speaker of the -- >> chris: yes, yes. i know that was hard to get out at the end. you made the right decision, a hundred percent. points to you. moving on >> chris: as any horny single person knows, online dating is hard. you have to wade through millions of profile pictures of women on spiritually awakening trips to india and men holding up wads of cash to find that one special person in the entire worldpsru)s& have sex with you as fast as possible. that's why tinder, everyone's favorite swipe-and-discard dating app, is making it easier for users to find each other by adding new information, like where they went to college and "super-like" button, otherwise known as "want to have sex now." great you went to proupb. that's where i want to go. [ applause ] comedians, since tinder is
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trying to improve its algorithm, what's a category they should absolutely not use to match users? jena. >> same dna. [laughing] >> chris: points. hari. >> rape. chris: points. [laughing] >>chris: that's the end of it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. sometimes there's a story so perfectly tailored to the internet's specific set of interests, it's like all of nerd-dom willed it into being. today, such a confluence occurred, causing a collective squee so loud you'd think a leaked scene from the next "avengers" featured pikachu smoking weed with captain america. ummm ... ya. [ applause ]
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>> chris: pika--chu but, in fact, william shatner just announced that he wants to make a "star trek" musical! as someone who greatly enjoys sci-fi. i would like to say: mr. shatner, you have my full support, and in honor of this most awesome of proposals. tonight's hashtag is: #nerdbroadway #nerdbroadway examples: jabba mia, hello dolly in its original packaging and the best little worf house in texas. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. begin, hari. >> mary popping zits. chris: points mike. >> cats and other allergies. hris: points. hari. >> -- and i. >> match book of mormons.
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chris: points har aoefrplt. >> hamilton. chris: mike. >> beauty and the beast from xmen. >> chris: hari. >> guys and sex dolls. chris: gwen afrplt. >> the web producers. chris: points. hari. >> diddler in the basement. chris: gwen afplt. >> my fare skin. chris: hari. >> how to succeed in coding without really trying. that's the end of "hashtag wars." >> chris: send us your #nerdbroadway and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. >> chris: our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @danhershfield. @danhershfield. well done! there's a network that never stops improving. ...that's grown faster than any other, covering nearly every american. and these geese. but it's not who you think.
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it's t-mobile. our new extended range lte signal... reaches twice as far. ...and is four times better in buildings. think you know our lte coverage? think again. see for yourself at t-mobile.com/coverage. announcer: rated m for mature. you're a bully mr. strain. and i find i'm not overly fond of bullies. music: "london calling" by the clash ♪ ♪ assassin's creed syndicate. available now.
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[ applause ] crist here over here. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "hard in the m.s. paint." one of the few legitimate pleasures before pandora and spotify came along was enjoying musicians' album art. and looking back, a lot of rap album covers seem like they were designed by an intern who someone asked "do you know photoshop?" and they replied "not really". the other person was like let's do it. comedians, i'll show you a terrible rap album cover. for 250 points, you give me the name of one of its singles. first up, he's big bear. and he's "doin' thangs"! >> chris: mike. >> we over here getting
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hiiibernation. >> chris: points. jena. >> mall the police. [laughing] >> chris: that's god damn delightful. points to you, jena. next up dr. doom has first come first serve. jena. >> mo money, mo tings. chris: points. simple math formula. mike. >> this is a classic al kpwupl i have it in my collection. the answer is you live at home with your moms. >> chris: a single here. jena. >> 99 problems but my cuticles ain't one. >> chris: hari.
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>> yes my middle name is "it." chris: stop asking. there are real posers in hip hop. this next guy is the real deal. mike. >> only mom can judge me. chris: points. >> straight out of middle school. >> chris: points. points. hari. >> waste of white privilege. chris: out of all of the pictures that was the best one. next one. little flip the lepercahn. hari. >> pink hearts, yellow moon and my dick.
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>> chris: points. it's part of a balanced pwraepl fast. >> it's best to save the dicks for the end. >> chris: mike. >> high tpraoubg coase corn -- >> jena. >> i wish i was a little bit taller. >> chris: very nice, points. well done. next one >> chris: next, trick daddy was technologically ahead of the curve. what's a song from his netscape navigator styled album, "www.thug.com"? hari. >> [beep] www.thug.net. chris: points. we have a video for trick dudey's song "change my life." let's see if it changes our lives. [ applause ] >> i like the pillow of $12.
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chris: yes. [laughing] >> chris: finally, you might have heard that sleepy ben carson released this cool commercial for "urban youths." >> chris: well we're not distancing ourself from it we loved it so much we made this album cover. there it is. oh, you know what i want to do is go in and do this. [laughing] >> that's what it looks like. chris: that's what it looks like. comedians, what is one of ben carson's singles. mike. >> y'all going to make me lie about stabbing somebody up in here, up in here. >> chris: that's the end of hard in the m.s. paint. it's time for our live challenge, air bud. > chris: look out google self
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flying car. it's a plane with a dog. a series wonders if dogs could be trained to be pilots. spoiler alert, no they're dogs. researchers say dogs are about as intelligent as a 3-year-old. who better. there was the russian cosmo dog. don't know if that was a dog flying or stuffing a dog in a microwave and firing him into the sky. that turned out great. this is the best idea i have ever heard as i pound the hrebg. we will have your answers on this when we return with more "@midnight."
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hey, mom! i'm moving out! what do you mean? well, after all a man just needs his car and a wireless plan he can afford. dear, look at your brother! he switched to verizon and he's still here because it cost him so darned much. relax! i'm switching to sprint. and they have unlimited data starting at 20 bucks a month! [applause] if your plan is to fly solo, only sprint gives you starter unlimited data for $20 a month. so you never have to worry about unexpected overages. no credit required.
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with a 100% electric nissan what will you do? how far will you go? how much will you see? electrify the world.
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now with a class-leading 107 miles on a charge, the nissan leaf is the best selling electric car in america. [aat sleep train'sh mattress price wars, save up to $400 on beautyrest and posturepedic. get interest-free financing until 2019 on tempur-pedic. but mattress price wars and this special financing offer ends sunday. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i told you about a bunch of researchers who want to teach dogs how to fly so they can unlock the final seal of hell, and i asked you to give me an in-flight announcement from a dog pilot. let's see what you wrote. hari, let's start with you. >> don't worry i'm a better dog
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pilot thaopb snoop in soul plane. >> chris: fantastic reference. jena. >> this is your captain speaking we will take off as soon as someone tells me to sit. >> chris: perfect, well done. >> great flight attendant voice too. >> chris: mike. >> i just turned off the leash light. are you free to leave your couch and pee about the compartment. >> chris: alright. i will do a thousand to again afplt 500 to mike and 250 to hari. >> chris: it's time for "buzzfallout." "buzzfallout." yesterday, "fallout 4" came out order on amazon prime! that's set exactly one year after donald trump gets elected, probably. you don't even want to see what the hillary one looks like! ok, maybe you do. it looks like this. >> great calves.
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chris: there is one thing besides comroaches and gary busey that'll survive nuclear holocaust, it'll be clickbait articles. we can't live without 'em! so comedians, please give me as many buzzfeed "lists for the apocalypse" as you can. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. jena. >> ten pictures of side boob to make you forget you live in a waste land. >> chris: points. hary . >> a thousand ways back to the future 2 was wrong about the future. >> chris: hary . >> 27 alternatives to eating everyone you know. >> chris: points. jena again. >> four kids who don't remember water. >> chris: points mike. >> 13 things you should of learned to do before this happened. >> chris: points. hari. >> five actors you can eat. chris: points. mike. >> eight fetishes no one will judge you for anymore. >> chris: points. har aoefrplt. >> this guy use to be tom petty. chris: points. gwen afrplt. >> you won't believe how far this man got without
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antibiotics. >> chris: perfect. that's the end of buzzfallout. mike, you're in third place. i'm sorry, i know. it's the unfortunate part of the game. i don't enjoy eliminating people. >> yes you do. chris: i don't at all. i have a semi, is that bad. i'm sorry, mike. we have to eliminate you. any final words? i think ya, i'm taking this extra time to work on my album cover some more. >> chris: great thank you. red light to mike. mike eagle, everyone. >> i'm going to float away. >> chris: that means it's time to question time. it's "for the win!" last night's cop debate judging from the patchwork of corrugated tin, was held in a filipino junkyard. had lente of fun --
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for example, the only candidate who still fits in his first communion suit, marco rubio, pointed out that america needs more vocational education by (bleep)ing on people who think for a living. >> welders make more money than philosophers, we need more welders and less philosophers. >> chris: on the one hand welding is a incredible job and take a great amount of skill. on the other hand i was a fill off fee major so [beep] you. there are many more welders that's not philosophers and they make a lot more on average. >> chris: um, actually, that should be "fewer" philosophers. but marco, philosophers are important too. i mean for example, the welders who melted that set together behind you may have known how to use a blow torch, but they never stopped to ask why the decision was made to make the debate look like a brazilian cock fighting warehouse. maybe we should incorporate philosophy into our welding education. so comedians, give me a line from the philosophical writings of an average welder.
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we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." 0 or will we? [cheers and applause] ♪ comment vous allez l'appeler? je ne sais pas... stella... named after a star... ...crafted as a holiday gift... stella artois! ...for the city of leuven in belgium.
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crispy m&m's® are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's® are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) so good, they're back. i absolutely love my new but the rent is outrageous. good thing geico offers affordable renters insurance. with great coverage it protects my personal belongings should they get damaged, stolen or destroyed. [doorbell] uh, excuse me. delivery. hey. lo mein, szechwan chicken, chopsticks, soy sauce and you got some fortune cookies. have a good one. ah, these small new york apartments... protect your belongings. let geico help you with renters insurance.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud were you delighted by my wiping. want more of this. more of this. watch the scores go away, ya. before the break, i told you that marco rubio thinks america needs more welders and fewer philosophers and asked you to give me the philosophy of an average welder.j! -- welder. let's see what you wrote. first one. we don't see things as they are. we see them as we r suck it hillary. [ applause ] >> chris: or if a tree falls in a forest and no one is here to hear it, is that a good place to kill my family? i believe number two is the winner. who is number two?
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hari kondabolu, you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be guy branum, diedrich bader, and janet varney. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #nerdbroadway and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. don't forget to add the hashtag "pointsme" for a chance to tkpaoecompete on this stage. instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. goodnight! ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

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