tv The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore Comedy Central November 13, 2015 2:09am-2:40am PST
with it ♪ i'm the red admiral on his ship ♪ and i raise wet infants for my coronation ♪ i'll rule over my all my dead impersonations ♪ with it i'm a man now ♪ with it i'm a man now ♪ and i won't let you steal it i bought it for myself ♪ i'm a man now i hit ♪ the bird-dogs who are pulling my hair ♪ because their teeth should ravage a gold beard ♪ i've lost some eyeless friends whose blood ♪ runs cold my new people ♪ on silent heels pretends to be old ♪ cause i won
>> larry: tonightly. the war on christmas heat up after starbucks releases plain red holiday cups. in response, santa orders a drone strike on every starbucks in america. ( laughter ) ( applause ) pretty good. conservatives are outraged that the cups no longer feature holiday designs. they haven't been this angry about a missing cup since janet jackson's half time show. and a new barbie can record what your children say and steer it in the cloud. as it turns out, the cloud is also where barbie has been hiding ken's penis. i didn't know that. i didn't know that. it's time to get nightly, america. let's do it. captioning sponsored by comedy central
( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to the show. what a great audience tonight. >> larry! larry! >> larry: you're so kind. you're correct, i am larry wilmore. and, man, we have an an all-star panel for you tonight. rick ross, norman lear, and bill engvall on the program. that's right. that's right. the old gang is back together, guys. ( laughter ) it's the most interesting assortment of people. great. awesome. man, you know, it's hard to believe, but we're starting to see christmas ads already. i mean, wasn't it just arbor day? ( laughter ) seriously. i feel like just yesterday i was chopping down trees for my big "arbor-cue." oh, time just flies. but one christmas ad this year is making people not so merry.
>> bloomingdale's is apologizing this afternoon for an inappropriate holiday advertisement. take a looka this ad, appeared nay recent holiday category. the caption resident, "spike your best friend's eggnog when they're not looking." >> audience: oooh! >> larry: spike your best friend's eggnog when they're not looking? jesus christ who is your ad firm, sterling cooper raper pryce? ( applause ) that really makes me mad, men. get it, mad men. hey! it's a holiday pun. it's a hol pun. but seriously, spike your best friend's eggnog. what kind of clothe regular you selling, cosby sweaters? that's right, ( bleep )! i haven't forgotten about you! getting late in the year. i still remember that ( bleep ). ( laughter ) all right, but, seriously, you know, this ad is disgusting. i mean, who's their target demo, bill cosby? i had to do it again.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry! i can't help it! no, guys. this ad is so awful it makes bloomingdale's look like cosby's hotel room. i can't! ( applause ) i apologize. no, guys! stop! you're encouraging me. this is-- i admit, i have a problem, okay. ( laughter ) but not as big a problem as bill cosby. all right? okay. ( applause ) that's it. no, seriously. i am done. no. i can stop the the at four, rea. unlike cosby. okay, i really am done. i really am done. okay. and bloomingdale's-- ( laughter ) bloomingdale's isn't the only big company mired in a christmas controversy. starbucks fresh off their successful ending of racism with their race together cup campaign, are now setting their sights higher by having their
cups runeth over with world peace. >> the decision by starbucks to use a minimalist design for its signature holiday cup is stirring up a little bit of a debate. some evangelical christians are very upset that the coffee giant is doing away with symbols of the season like the snowflakes, the snowmen, and the other kind of ornaments. >> larry: no snowmen! how am i going to celebrate the birth of jesus? ( laughter ) that doesn't even make sense! ( cheers and applause ) guys! what are they doing to me! and the immaculate inception for this starbucks cup controversy was delivered to us the way so many of our christmas fights start, from an angry guy in a parking lot. >> do you realize starbucks wanted to take christ and christmas off of their brand new cups. that's why they're just plain red. in fact, do you realize starbucks isn't allowed to say merry christmas to customers. >> larry: all right, calm down, paul blart cup cop.
really. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i mean, first of all, christ and christmas were never even on the cups. also, they're cups. ( laughter ) you know, but it only takes one spark from a douchey vertical video to set off a firestorm of cup rage. >> a forecaster is stirring up some real controversy. >> twitter erupted. >> there's a coffee war brewing. >> just a plain red cup. >> it was like waking up to a lump of coal. >> we can't say merry christmas now. >> wraijing a war. >> war. >> war on christmas. >> political correctness gone mad. >> it's time for a boycott. >> larry: only-- only in america can people be outraged over cups, right? i mean, seriously, seriously, we polled a boat load of syrian refugee on whether the new starbucks cups were controversial. 0% were upset and 43 answered,
"we can't find my father." and the remaining 57% said, "my grandmother needs her medicine." i'm just reporting the important things. this is what's important. ( cheers and applause ) but the most american part of the story was that starbucks' competitors saw this as an opportunity. >> finally, dunkin' donuts unveiling its holiday cups. they're decorated with a wreath circ ling the word "joy." >> larry: yeah! in your face starbucks beelzecups. you know, guys, seriously, all this is so silly. that's why i get all of my holiday coffee at bethlehem brew. uh-huh. yeah. ( laughter ) there we go. that's where i get my coffee from. ( applause ) my favorite drink? my triple wiseman bibliocano golden half iced immacu-latte.
( applause ) did i say skinny? i said skinny, right? okay, i just wanted to know. you know, let me-- let me add a little myrrh. ( laughter ) mmmm! mmmm! that's some good christmas. ( laughter ) lenny, of course. my name's larry for christ's sake. okay, all right. ( laughter ) thank you very much. okay, to help me sort through this christmas controversy we're going to go right to the source. please welcome a starbucks cup, everybody. >> hi. hello, larry! hello! hi! on behalf of everyone in the starbucks family, i want to wish you an ethically sourced seasons greetings. >> larry: you, too. now, why did you get rid of your-- why did you get rid of your christmas decorations?
>> larry, it's not our job to tell you why you should feel joyous and merry. our desire is for the starbucks cup to be a blank slate on to which our customers from any denomination can project any message. >> i knot a message! starbucks sucks! hold oeverybody -- >> oh, hey it's dunkin' donuts cup, everybody. give him a nice round of applause. ( cheers and applause ) >> merry ( bleep ) christmas, larry. >> larry: whoa, whoa. okay. you-- >> hi, hi dunkin' donuts. it's so good to see you. and because you're still made from styrofoam we'll be seeing you for the next million years. ( applause ). >> that's right. i'm invincible. d.d.'s going to live forever. >> larry: both of you settle down. this is not a fight. let's have a mature, rational conversation all right between one guy, two cups.
( laughter ). >that's not quitehow i meant. >> i saw what did you there, larry. that was funny. the problem is what the hell you got against joy? >> nothing! we embrace joy. we just want everyone to be happy. >> try not charging $7 a cup. >> okay. all right. ( applause ) >> larry: hold on, dunkin' donuts. since you brought up money, keep it 100. aren't you exploiting christmas, too, just to make a profit. >> yeah, deck the halls. let's go. >> larry, at starbucks we don't focus on the money. we focus on the sense of community that's giving us the money. >> larry: oh. >> this is th donut dealer is not focusing on the spirit of the holiday season. >> donut dealer? what do you have to do with christmas? you're a freaking mermaid. >> larry: okay, guys, guys, guys. please! ( laughter ) i think both of are you getting way too much national attention. you know, you're just cups. all right? >> well, larry, i like to think
of us more as holy grails of caffeine. >> i'm cool with that. ( laughter ) what are you doing after this, girl? >> larry: all right, both of you, get out of here! get out of here! we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) this is not just a couch. this is a bunker and that was the sickest grenade toss ever! dude, tell me you saw that! bankshot! okay, what is this? it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it.
where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. sure, when pigs fly. ♪ take it. good boy! unlimited talk and text... to and from mexico and the u.s... ...and canada and the u.s. included on plans starting at $45 a month, after $5 auto pay credit. cricket wireless, something to smile about. we all know that directv's better at this whole tv thing. so, to beat them, we're gonna get bigger. we're gonna merge with cableworld. (exec 1) cableworld? i can't stand those guys. (exec 2) they're the worst. (exec 3) they're totally incompetent. (exec 4) that company stinks and i mean they smell. i used to work there. i had to breathe through my mouth the whole time. (cole) shh, shh, shh, they're here. (newhart) this is gonna be fun, firing everyone.
>> larry: welcome back. we're honored to bring out a very special guest right now. he is a legendary television writer and producer responsible for such classic shows as "all in the family, "sanford and son,""the jeffersons, "good times," and "maude." his book, "even this i get to experience," is now out in paperback. please welcome, norman lear. ( cheers and applause )
>> larry: we thought we'd make you feel comfortable with, like, an archy and edith chair out here. >> i love it. >> larry: i remember archie always had some beer. so cheers to the archie beer, i guess. >> and it is beer. >> larry: it really is beer. that's great. last night-- whoa! no! >> i'm going to tell you something, you shouldn't even ( bleep ) around like that, man. seriously. their comes an age where that's not a fun game. i almost lost it there for a second. ( bleep ). but, you know, what? it's funny, because that's-- that's-- it's almost a metaphor for your life's work, you know. you did things that were daring at a time when people just didn't-- tv was so safe when you-- when you started "all in the family." did you ever think you would get that show on the air? >> i didn't think there was anything so unusual about it. there wasn't anything we talked about that you couldn't hear on a playground or a living room
anywhere in america, all the problems, all the stuff, all the-- you know. and the archie bunker character, too, for that matter. >> larry: do you think your shows changed culture? or do you think your shows were just reflecting the culture? >> oh, that's a great question. i think it did both. >> larry: a little bit of both, right? >> i think it did a little bit of both. i knew it was reflecting the culture because that's what we were writing. that's what we were doing. some time later, listening to people talk about having seen it with their family, "oh, we watched it." and the whole family watched it. "and then we talked." that's the greatest gift of all. we talked afterwards. >> larry: as a kid treally-- look, let me be honest. let me give you 100. you're the reason why i'm here. you inspired me as a kid watching those shows. >> i'm the reason-- i didn't even know your mother. >> larry: no, it's true. ( applause ). >> i never met the woman. >> larry: the issues you brought up, i had-- i didn't know you could do those issues
on television. you know. you were, also, on nixon's enemies list. >> that's a badge of honor. >> larry: that is a badge. ( cheers and applause ) you, john lennon. i mean, when you heard about that, what was your reaction? >> i thought it was great. that's where i wished to be. but some time later, when they-- the tapes, the nixon tapes that were taken of the conversations in the oval office, there he was for three minutes talking about this show. >> larry: he was obsessed. >> obsessed with archie bunker. "why do they put a good man down?" >> larry: yeah, archie was the protagonist. speaking of presidents, do you kind of feel a little bit responsible for having archie bunker running for president right now? ( laughter ) be honest. >> i think you see the american people giving the finger to
american leadership with donald trump. you know. this is what-- ( applause ) >> larry: i'll tell you, will you stick around and join our panel a little later? >> i'll do anything you and this audience say. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: great. ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a quick break and norman will be on our panel. norman lear, everybody. we'll be right back!
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rick ross. and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightly show using the hashtag "tonightly." this is one upon my favorite topics. we talked earlier about the starbucks christmas cups. they removed all the christmass-y images and just made it solid red. first of all, is anyone offended by this? >> oh, man i think, you know, i'm big on christmas. my kids are big on christmas. but me being a boss, you know-- i see starbucks chasing the dollar. >> larry: yeah? do you think they're doing this for money reasons? is this good publicity they're getting, do you think? >> i don't think the publicity is good but i most definitely feel they're, you know, taking down-- trying to make people who may not be-- or believe in christmas more comfortable during the holidays. that's what i believe. >> larry: norman, explain to me, somebody being offended by a cup. this is the part i don't understand. >> exactly. are you assuming starbucks wished to do this, start the controversy or did some fool
say-- christmas is all about selling. ( applause ) >> larry: commerce. >> yeah. it's all about-- we've taken what was a-- an important religious holiday for most people and made it a circus. >> larry: yeah. well, christmas-- i feel christmas is both a religious and a secular holiday. i mean, it is both. i mean, it's a national holiday. banks take it off. i mean, it's built on both religious traditions and pagan traditions. that tree was not in the manger. everybody knows that, right? ( laughter ). >> my problem with this whole thing -- >> the tree is a phallic symbol, for goodness' sake. if he gets in the history of all the christmas-- >> i love christmas at the wilmore house. >> larry: exactly, hey, honey, let me tell you the meaning of the yule log. ( laughter ). >> the true meaning of the yule log. >> larry: the true meaning of the yule log.
bill knows what i'm talking about. >> oh, please. here's my problem-- it's not even thanksgiving yet. i mean, right? ( cheers and applause ) >> it's all about selling. >> at starbucks i wasn't upset there wasn't a turkey on my cup. >> larry: do you think there is a war on christmas? you said you love christmas. do you think there is a war on christmas? >> i believe there might be a war on christmas going on most definitely. because you most definitel defir less and less religious aspect of december 25. >> but, rick, do you think there are people out there who have decided let's make a war on christmas? ( laughter ) i mean, when we got kids who haven't got enough food, and we've got people out of work and we've. ( cheers and applause ). >> that's most definitely -- >> christmas has got to go down! >> that's most definitely what's important because, you know, christmas is all about the spirit of giving. you know, once you make it to our age, we're just happy to be
here and celebrate it. ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: yeah. >> and the fact that kid are growing up these days thinking that santa drives a red mercedes. you know. as far as the war on christmas, here's my problem with it-- i'm a christian. i celebrate christmas. i say merry christmas. but i don't go preaching it. it's like, you know, what-- if someone is not a christian, i don't go hey, you know what? it's christmas or it's nothing, brother. >> larry: exactly. also, if somebody says happy hanukkah it doesn't offend me. >> no! not at all. >> it offends me. ( laughter ) >> larry: i mean, if they said here's your change, happy kwanzaa, then i might get upset. ( bleep ). okay. i gotta talk about this other topic because this one really makes me laugh. so jeb bush was asked this
question the other day. do you guys know where i'm going? >> yes. >> larry: he was actually asked if he could go back in time-- which was already ridiculous. i don't know why jeb exclamation point gets all these ridiculous questions. if he could go back in time and had a chance to kill baby hitler, would he do it? he said yes. i gotta hear from everybody. rick, would you-- >> , of course,. >> larry: you would kill baby hitler? >> of course,. >> larry: really! >> of course,. >> larry: you would kill a little baby? you would just kill it. >> rick, here's what i would do -- >> would you kill baby hitler? >> if he's a baby you don't really know what he will grow up to do. you can't have your cake and eat it, too -- >> with a time machine you can. >> put him in a mommy and me class or gymboree. maybe grow the full mustache. >> larry: at what point would you kill him? >> i don't know.
>> i mean what happened was atrocious, but to go back in time i can't kill a baby. >> is he born to be the hitler we knew? >> he is definitely on his way to hitlerville. he's not take anything detours. >> no matter what you did, i would lock him in a room. >> larry: you would lock him in a room? >> i would lock him up. before i'd kill him, i'd lock him up. >> larry: really? >> yeah. >> give him a chance. >> i know, i mean i'd lock the son of a bitch up. >> larry: nobody wants to kill a baby. >> i don't want to kill. >> larry: wouldn't this be fun? keeping it 100, you guys. come on, hitler? it's hitler! i'm sorry. ( bleep ). >> i got your back. i got your back upon go ahead. >> larry: come on, we can do it together. we can do it together. we'll be right back. come here, baby hitler. ( cheers and applause )
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