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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 18, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PST

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this obviously happened on and maple-glazed dreamboat justin trudeau made himself even dreamier this week by penning a public mandate to legalize marijuana, which he wrote by grabbing a pen with his soft and supple fingers, looking down at the page with his deep, ocean-blue eyes and writing "if there is one thing that canada needs the most it's to be more mellow." [laughing] ka they'd jabs celebrated resighting rush lyrics with a moose.
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comedians, what are some other cool laws prime minister justin trudeau wants to pass? noeeël, go! >> a mandate women must be paid the same as men. >> chris: he should do that. the sweetest coolest guy ever. derek waters. >> it's now okay to drink at 16. if you find yourself with a problem check yourself into aa, eh. >> chris: perfect. heather anne campbell. >> everybody in canada gets a beaver. you know what i mean. the animal. >> chris: oh. >> chris: oh. >> because we're6 chris: right, right. one question. can i [beep] a beaver? >> ya. chris: alright. oh just in, making dreams come true. go. it's time to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> chris: i have never seen rock out to our theme song. >> b-52s. i have a chrysler as big as a whale. >> chris: is it about to sell saile? >> ya. >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday! tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. in some spiritual sense. tonight's comedians are: from "master of none," season 1 streaming now on netflix, it's noeeël wells-- you are playing r @scifigal13. [cheers and applause] that's lynn delaney. >> chris: from "drunk history," season finale, tuesday, november 24 at 10:30 on comedy central, it's derek waters.
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>> thank you. chris: i see on the large thingathon you are playing for @kenzoloco. she tweeted this question at you: "@derekwaters-- if we win, can you say hi to my mom? if we lose, can you still say hi to my mom? her name is stefanie!" >> you had me at stefanie. hi, stefanie. >> chris: from "animation domination high-def" on fox, performing in "the midnight show" at u.c.b. franklin in l.a. december 5, it's heather anne campbell. back on the program. >> i am. [cheers and applause] >> hi. hello. >> chris: you are playing for @katie rose 92. kathleen biology opportunity hoping to be a nurse one day.
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you have words of wisdom for your tag team partner. >> i want katie rose 92 to know i'm playing of my ability. if i make a mistake it's her fault. >> chris: let's start this [beep] program. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." while you sit i'dly in front of your computer machine. everyday, facebook's creeping tendrils slither ever further up our privacy holes. before you know it, you'll log on for a simple afternoon of stalking ex-girlfriends and facebook will automatically post your porn search history. to be fair, i've always been -- never made a secret of my love for reptile milf. real reptiles have scales. well, now, tha' book is trying to use its all-seeing eye to
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protect us from ourselves. a new feature will scan your camera roll and send users a warning before they upload photos that might be questionable. this is a great idea and nothing could possibly go wrong! comedians, what's an example of a potential photo-based warning you might get from facebook? heather anne campbell. >> warning you look like [beep] chris: points, points. derek waters. >> are you sure you want to post this picture of yourself at the smashmouth reunion tour in redone dough beach. if you do, people will know you went to the smashmouth reunion tour -- >> chris: points. >> chris: spider-woman, a.k.a. jessica drew, is now pregnant after being bitten by a radioactive penis. i guess, i don't know. the long-time avenger is taking some time off for maternity leave, letting other people kick ass while she goes to lamaze classes with superman: i know, i know. i know marvel/d.c. marriages are controversial, but the supreme justice league ruled in favor of mixed-universe unions, so love wins. [ applause ] >> chris: i just made all of that up. often pregnant women have back problems, but luckily drew has plenty of experience having her body painfully contorted.
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as we see in this -- real life picture here. [laughing] >> she's using the litter box wrong. [laughing] >> chris: sad spider kitty. a hundred points to derek waters for that. she gives birth to 800 little spider-babies who will immediately devour her, so, comedians, what is something on spider-woman's baby registry? >> a billion i don't know tiny baby socks. >> chris: derek waters. >> web, bath and beyond. kill me for saying that. >> chris: if there is one thing that's certain in this life, it's that time changes us all. like, who knew this adorable little lad would turn into the comedy giant and sex symbol who
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stands before you today. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> a tooth missing -- chris: shut up, yes! i was a growing boy. oh, man if i could go back and tell that guy, don't worry some day somebody will touch your penis. it won't be for a while. and who could have predicted that the biggest bully of '80s cinema would come out against bullying? billy zabka, a.k.a. johnny lawrence, the headbanded teenage bad guy who tormented ralph macchio in "the karate kid," which totally holds up by the way, watch it again. delivered an anti-bullying message to prospective karate kids. he has a point the number one cause of injury among bully is the crane kick to the face. that's all you have to do. a guy can do karate his whole life. if you train in a billion with an asian guy for two months you
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can beat the wao +*ep out of everyone. now that bullying is in a body bag how is the 180°. >> the alien will create a safe space in your chest. >> chris: yes, know he will. >> the joker is now writing for >> chris: points to you for that. that brings us to the end of rapid refresh. time for tonight's "hashtag wars." the final installment of "the hunger games" saga hits theaters this friday, and already i don't know what to do with myself. now where will i see teens brutally assault each other? oh, right. thanks, world star! in any case, we're going to remedy the lack of food-themed competition in the world with tonight's hashtag, #hungrygames. these are food-themed games-- examples: kingdom artichoke
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hearts, guacanopoly and minekraft singles. i'm putting 60 seconds on th clock begin. derek waters. >> guitar hero. chris: points. heather anne campbell. >> sonic the drive-thru hedge ho +*bgz hog. >> chris: know he will. >> nba jam with the side of toast. >> chris: know he will. >> mortal kombucha. >> pizzeria uno. uno. >> "@midnight" snack. chris: ahhh. you adorable son of a bitch. points. know he will. >> super mario batli brothers. >> settlers of crew tons. chris: yes. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #hungrygames and tag them @midnight to keep the
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game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @crparsonscomedy. well done! well done! long twitter name. oh no... (under his breath) hey man! hey peter. (unenthusiastic) oh... ha ha ha! joanne? is that you? it's me... you don't look a day over 70. am i right? jingle jingle. if you're peter pan, you stay young forever. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. ♪ you make me feel so young... it's what you do. ♪ you make me feel ♪ so spring has sprung.
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[this mountain doesn't own a watch. it's not in a hurry to get where it's going. and yet, after millions of years, it has arrived. it's what inspired us to cold-age our beer... which, thankfully, takes a little less than a million years. coors light. born in the rockies.
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the triple treat box from pizza hut turns any night into a holiday. two pizzas?! breadsticks and a cookie! ohh jingle bells jingle bells unwrap this incredible box at an incredible price - just $19.99. only at pizza hut. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play chill dog or kill dog.
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dogs are supposedly man's best friend, but if reddit has taught me anything, it's that the man is lying to us, man. sure, some pups have your back when you need it, but others will turn on you faster than you can say "attack pug." remember this classic vine? ( paper rustling ) ( dog barks ) >> chris: you alright. >> i'm okay. thank you. >> chris: it was just a video. >> okay. [laughing] >> chris: just a video. not real. so cute, so scary, and such great comedic timing for an animal that doesn't understand why his balls have been taken away. so, comedians, i'm going to show you a picture of a pooch, and, for 250 points, i want you to tell me if it's a chill dog or a kill dog. first one, a radiant golden retriever-- is he a chill dog or kill dog? heather an campbell. >> i will say a kill dog. chris: i don't know. let's find out. >> look at him, kill dog.
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[laughing] >> killed it. >> kill dog. chris: super chill in the end. it was almost like, i can't help it i'm sorry. really sorry. next up this loyal lab, chill dog or kill dog. leather an campbell. >> chill dog? hris: let's find out. >> is it the same dog? >> ahhhh. [laughing] >> chris: i swear to dog -- [laughing] >> it's god backwards. chris: this dog is my spirit animal for how i interact with the internet. come on guys stop [beep] on me. now these unlikely best friends.
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>> you are a chill dog. chris: chill dog or kill dog. know he will? >> definitely a kill dog. chris: let's find out. >> don't be so short. [laughing] >> i don't know what that is. chris: that's -- >> that's both. chris: it's not very chill to tea bag a cat. that is a kill dog. you're right. >> he's trying to warm -- >> yes. chris: i don't know if that's what he's trying to do. >> the cat looks like a rug. chris: ya. >> how was he suppose to know. kreufpl i don't know. >> chill. hris: i'm interested to see how you chill in your life. >> chris: why are you putting your butt on my face. >> yo, i'm chill. chris: moving on. this beautiful bear dog. does he chill or kill? yes, derek. >> this dog is chill. chris: let's find out.
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>> ahhh. chris: yes. because -- god for pw +*eud the [beep] filming that couldn't stop to help the cat. make the dog do it. finally we have a pair of pups. a chill dog or a kill dog. derek waters. >> i hate to say it there is going to be a kill dog. >> chris: alright. let's find out. [laughing] >> chris: the correct answer was both. you get points. >> okay. chris: that's the end of chill dog or kill dog. [cheers and applause] >> it's time for our final challenge. challenge, "kendrick lamar,
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wedding crasher." a tmz story is trending today about how hip-hop superstar kendrick lamar recently crashed a wedding in columbus, ohio, which, according to footage, was being held in a laser tag facility in 1991. kenned rick busted a move for a minute before getting kicked out by an angry wedding guest who didn't know who he was, presumably because k-dot was dressed like he just got off work running a fog machine at a haunted hayride. so, comedians, i want you to channel your lamest uncle and kick a famous pop star you don't know out of your niece's wedding. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! get out of my way!
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crispy m&m's® are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's® are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) so good, they're back.
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okayit's chewy.his? really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. with a 100% electric nissan what will you do? how far will you go? how much will you see? electrify the world.
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now with a class-leading 107 miles on a charge, the nissan leaf is the best selling electric car in america. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about how kendrick lamar was booted from a columbus, ohio, wedding after crashing the dance floor, and i asked you to act like an out-of-touch uncle and kick a world famous musician you don't know out of your niece's wedding. let's see what you wrote. know he will. >> taylor swift, you and your 1990 model friends look nice, you're not eating the food but it's stefanie's day. wait are you writing a song
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about my husband. >> chris: derek. >> listen, mr. cool j., i don't care if you're going to knock me out or go back to cali. what you need to do wait, are you the guy from lip-sinc battle? it's the guy from lip-sinc battle. >> chris: perfect. >> my favorite show. chris: heather anne campbell. >> i love your hat if he will. i'm sure you're a nice boy but we're racist here. [laughing] >> chris: so -- i mean ... heather anne campbell a thousand points. 500 to derek and know he will. we go to our next game. >> chris: it's time for "a wing and a prayer and a pack of menthols." a florida woman was just arrested after she called 911 to see if they would be willing to swing on by and bring her cigarettes and chicken wings.
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liann watson was then brought down to the lake county sheriff's office where they snapped this mugshot of the geico lizard without his makeup. this was a blatant misuse of 911 resources! central florida responders probably had a lot of other emergencies to deal with that what else do you think came in for a call. >> hell i'm in florida. >> hell i locked my baby and keys in the truck. i need a ride to work. >> my baby -- chris: points. leather an campbell. >> it's me george zimmerman. is jeff in. >> chris: heather anne cal campbell. >> i'm here to report a gang rape. i mean spring rape. >> my confederate flag caught fire at a cross burning and i
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don't have the receipt. >> chris: points. derek waters. >> help, help, my brother overdosed and pissed himself. i need someone to take a picture. >> chris: heather anne campbell. >> there is a jeb bush in my garbage can. >> chris: i think he's -- i'm not sure i think he's [beep] all the raccoons. >> he looks real desperate. [laughing] >> chris: can i feed him or not? that's the end of a wing and a prayer and a pack ofment olz. derek waters, you're in third place. we must eliminate you. you have any last words as you gently depart from this spirited competition? >> well as my grandfather use to say, hi, stefanie. >> chris: points good work. red light.
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>> chris: that means it's time to use your words. it's "for the win!" oxford dictionary announced the 2015 word of the year, and it's something i can't say out loud. it's the "face with tears" emoji! this is the word of the year. >> no! chris: i'm sorry, heather. i know when you see it up closure like is he eye jaculating? apparently, the use of emoji has spiked so much in the last year that the dictionary finally said "[ bleep ] it, we give up." this specific one accounts for 20% of all emoji use, partially because people mistake those tears of laughter for tears of sadness, in case you were wondering why so many people thought your post about your grandma's funeral was so hilarious. now that internet slang is getting fully incorporated into our language, it's only a matter of time before it pops up in great works of art.
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so, comedians, please give me a classic line from literature using internet speak, and if you're playing points with me at home, i want you to write one, too! be sure to tag it #pointsme. you can make it on this show. where you can compete against great comedians. when we come back we will have our answers on "@midnight." marcia, what happened? peter hit me in the nose with a football. now sweetheart... shut up! marcia, eat a snickers®. why? you get a little hostile when you're hungry. better? better. marcia, marcia, marcia... i just wasn't feeling that one.
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let's go! sorry guys, i need a break. whatever! ♪ hey, outside now! dude! again? ♪ you and me, we're going solo. cigarettes are bullies. don't let tobacco control you. other wireless carriers make families share data. some way to say happy holidays. switch to t-mobile now and get 4 lines with up to 6gb each, and no sharing. just $30 bucks a line. that's 6gb each plus unlimited streaming with binge on. stream netflix, hbo now, hulu, and many more without using data. get 6gb each just $30 bucks a line, plus free video streaming.
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ditch your data worries with t-mobile. just serve classy snacks and bew a gracious host,iday party. no matter who shows up. do you like nuts? whit's a question n? asked all the time. because where you're from shapes who you are. inspires how you do things. and when that inspiration comes from a place this refreshing... this majestic... this... well, you get the idea. coors light. born in the rockies. the triple treat box from pizza hut turns any night into a holiday. two pizzas?! breadsticks and a cookie!
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ohh jingle bells jingle bells unwrap this incredible box at an incredible price - just $19.99. only at pizza hut. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i will wipe the scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. alright. now it all comes down to this. you the audience decides the winner. i will read answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, i told you about the "face with tears" emoji being named oxford dictionary's word of the year, and i asked you to give me a classic line from literature using internet speak. let's see what you came up with. >> chris: this family decided to hide in the attic. you won't believe what happens next. [ applause ] >> chris: or, or to be or not to
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mbe had me like -- - number two is the winner. know he will wells has won the internet. first time on. great job. tomorrow night when our guests will be kelly oxford, michael shannon and seth rogen. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #hungrygames and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. don't forget to add the hashtag "pointsme" for a chance to compete on @midnight! i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams, chrishardwick on snapchat. good night! [cheers and applause] a mature audience. comedy central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them. enjoy. >> whoo! >> whoo! >> whoo!


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