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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  November 19, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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neighborhood, you probably are not going to assume something good about that dog. and you're probably going to put your children out of the way. it doesn't mean that you hate all dogs. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> larry: tonightly, patti labelle sweet potato pies are flying off shelves at wal-marts across america. patti's pies are so popular, they're already polling ahead of jeb bush. laug(laughter) i.s.i.s. releases a video showing a terrorist preparing to attack times square. hey, i.s.i.s., this is seems like a pretty extreme overreaction to not getting tickets for "hamilton." (laughter) a green bay packers fan interrupts a moment of silence for paris by shouting "muslims suck." hey, packers fan, your team just got beaten by the lions... you might want to re-think who sucks. (laughter) right? this is "the nightly show" -- let's do it! (cheers and applause)
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♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "the nightly show." (audience chanting larry) >> larry: very nice of you. we have our h.r. and video editor leading the charge with the audience tonight. yeah, man! hiring season is now! yeah! (laughter) i'm larry wilmore. and boy -- i'm really excited about tonight's show. although... maybe not quite as excited as this guy whose video went viral on facebook when he got his hands on a patti labelle sweet potato pie for the first time.
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>> mmm, on my own why did it end this way. c'mon, patti. i'm going to taste patti. ooh, patti's so moist. come on, patti! patti! here we go. whoahhhh yea! i swear, hey! make you feel like patti labelle after eating this. >> larry: i haven't seen a guy love a pie that hard since jason biggs in the first "american pie" movie. am i wrong? now that video racked up more than 9 million views. and voila! what was once a slow-moving item is now selling at one pie every second. for a little perspective, that's faster than patti labelle can make them. (laughter)
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patti's trying really hard there. far be it from me to preach to patti labelle, but maybe she shouldn't be making all those pies herself. anyway, this leads me to our newest segment, "shut your pie hole, presented by patti labelle sweet potato pie." >> whoa, yeah! >> larry: that's the guy right there! (laughter) there is something happening out there in the sports world. the new york rangers had a moment of silence before their game against the toronto mapleleafs in honor of the paris attacks. so as the arena sat still, piercing through the respectful silence was, "let's go rangers!" really, guys? you couldn't hold that for 60 seconds? that's not how you act in a moment of silence. like, literally -- the instructions for what to do are spelled out in the thing itself. but this wasn't an isolated incident. >> n.f.l. fans paying tribute to the victims of the paris attacks on sunday.
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green bay packers aaron rodgers expressed disappointment in one fan's decision to shout an anti-muslim slur during a moment of silence. >> larry: this is very disappointing. you could at least do what everyone else in the midwest does -- smile politely and think horrible slurs. i mean, really, cheeseheads -- you're not eagles fans. sorry. i (bleep) that one up. i apologize for that. see, it's funnier the second time. (laughter) and by the way, this was the most offensive thing associated with the n.f.l. in days. (laughter) >> larry: yeah, let that one marinate. but sports-based moment of silence breaches are not just an american pasttime. during a soccer game between greece and turkey, this happened. >> that's what you think you are hearing -- boos. boos from the crowd during a moment of silence for paris. >> larry: look, that seems bad, but in turkey, booing is actually a sign of respect. snow, i'm just (bleep) with you.
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they're assholes. so everybody who can't even take a moment of fricking silence can shut their pie holes. >> shut your pie holes! , man. (cheers and applause) i the new york islanders. >> the new york islanders moved to the heart of brooklyn in october of this year. ticket sales have been sluggish. i love having a professional sports team in brooklyn. so i want the sports sold to an untapped audience. my hood. what advice do you give to clutter bug? >> i don't know. clutter bug, i don't know. i like it, clutter bug! >> did you guys notice the
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new york islanders hockey team own the stadium? >> i didn't know that. how do you get black people interested in hockey? >> the cheerleaders. getting in on the ice, skating. >> oh, (bleep)! i love it! that's how you do that! clutter bug! that's like an insult. get out of here, you clutter bug. >> clutter buck! oh, clutter buck! >> it won't be easy. before i get him to help my people, there is a thing or two i need to learn about his world. let me ask you, what is hockey? >> it's one of the coolest sports out there. >> ice is frozen water. half of us can't swim, you know what i'm saying. how do you get us to get interested in this? >> you get to run people through the line. >> oh! those things there, you get
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to hit people into that and there's no charges or knotting? >> no charges. ops show up? . you can get in a fist fight and it's a time out. >> the only sport where you get a time out! >> you're already losing with black people because we beat our kids. show me how you do it. >> let's go. you have pads waiting for you. put your shin pads on. pretty self-explanatory. >> you're a smart ass. ddo you need me to do that? no, i can do my laces. you just -- not necessary. do you see that? >> oh, service now. there you go. i'm nervous. >> should be. you're like a dead man walking now. >> that's what i feel like. let me tell you, i grew up in east new york in brooklyn during the height of the crack epidemic
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and that does not scare me as much as this ice scares the (bleep) out of me, y'all! >> you're the stereo typical trash talker. >> hey! (bleep)! >> why are you calling me that? i'm not saying you're cheating because i'm beating you at your own sport. >> on your mark, get set, go! ha ha ha! i got 'em! likely? really? (bleep). (bleep). can we get a goalie? >> do it. that's my boss, larry wilmore. why did you cut that piece i was in last week? ow! oh, sorry, larry! sorry! where's my stick, larry? oh! it's like a gunshot!
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oh, my gosh! oh! (bleep)! now that i've held up my end of the bargain, he has to hold up his. i took him to east new york to get a haircut at my childhood barbershop. i'm sorry it's overcast but the sun comes out here last. ♪ you're in my barbershop. welcome. >> i get my air cuts every couple of months. >> every couple of months? yeah. see my man? you shouldn't take it all off. i heard you were a hockey fan. >> i was a hockey fan, now i'm moving to brooklyn. >> is that when they told you we were shooting here? >> no! (laughter) >> look at yourself.
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is that the cleanest muzzie around here? >> what's that? a mustache. we just call ate mustache. hat do they need for you to become a hockey fan? >> just win! brooklyn loves you cal. sign my shirt. >> what's his name? cal, cal c uckelbuck. it's clutterbuck! >> brooklyn welcomes you! >> larry: mike yard and the new york islanders, everybody! we'll be right back! when you unwrap the triple treat box from pizza hut,
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it'll turn any night, into a holiday night. two pizzas?! can we keep him?! oooo! breadsticks and a cookie! ohh jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way. can we keep him? introducing the triple treat box. 2 medium pizzas, breadsticks and a hershey's cookie. unwrap this incredible box at an incredible price - just $19.99. oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh. only at pizza hut. i thought we were watching the game?! sorry, bolton's over... ♪ and i shall rise, oh well i shall rise, ♪ ♪ again and again.
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(cheers and applause)
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♪ >> larry: welcome back! i'm here with my panel. "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. er(cheers and applause) "the nightly show" contributor holly walker. (cheers and applause) and he's the host of "sway in the morning" on sirius xm radio and an mtv legend, sway calloway. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter at "the nightly show" using the hashtag "tonightly." thanksgiving is coming up next week, so we thought we'd talk about it. first of all, i want you to know this is true what we talked about the patti labelle sweet potato pie. it's all true. so i thought we would have a little pie. >> wow! thank you! (applause) >> larry: okay. i guess we should say grace patti labelle first, everybody. >> okay. >> larry: voulez vous coucher
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avec moi, ce soir. ce soir! (applause) >> do you want to really eat this? >> i don'>> larry: i don't knowe was thinking about. i know we're an overweight country bop does anybody feel guilty eating so much on thanksgiving? >> hell, no. you got it. you're almost obligated to eat for those who can't eat. >> larry: are you going to have the news with girn refugees on your -- the news with syrian refugees on your tv? >> americans never feel guilty about your food. we have all you can east restaurants and they literally go and eat -- we'll eat while we're watc watching a commercial about people who don't have food. we don't stop.
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the feed the children commercial, you don't stop. you're like, o', that's (bleep) tough. (applause) wow... >> i actually do feel bad. >> larry: but you keep eating? but because i feel bad, i eat a little more to make myself feel better, then feel bad again, eat a little more. it's a vicious cycle. it's horrible. >> i feel bad. then i use the bathroom and i'm good. (laughter) >> larry: there are so many starving people. hold on, you guys. i'll be right back. (bleep). >> you got to relieve it, man. >> larry: what are the appropriate clothes to wear thanksgiving. should you wear something elastic or just say (bleep) it, i'm wearing sweats and i don't care? >> you have to have room. it depends. if it's a family you don't know, like if you're going to a friend's house and you're not
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sure what's going on, you should make sure your pockets are waterproof so you can get rid of what you don't like and stick it in your pockets. >> larry: have you done that? no, i haven't. i have been cool with most of the people i have been going to their houses. but if i go to a place i know it's going to be fantastic, i put zip lock baggies in my purse. >> larry: you take it home? yes. (applause) >> that's a true story? true. and it works in buffets, too. >> larry: i had a party years ago we were in p.j.s, and somebody gave me a bottle of pine with p.j.s on it. i said, (bleep), what did you do with my bottle of wine? i'm, like, i'm sorry -- >> it had my name on it. go naked. >> larry: you go naked?
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yeah. no restrictions, man. reach my full eating potential. >> i'm not inviting you. >> larry: what's your advice for dealing with observe noxious relatives? >> you know i work in radio so i know how to get in and out of breaks, for somebody who's obnoxious, i get in and out of the room, you don't deal with it. >> larry: how do you do that? you leave the room, larry. don't gotta hang in there. they'll be there all night an.>> larry: what's your subjec, politics, reling, personal life? >> i can deal with politics and religion. personal lives with family, i don't like dealing with that a lot because it usually turns into a money issue and then -- >> larry: somebody was asking about keeping it 100 all the time. you can't talking about that.
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>> yeah. >> larry: as soon as you talk about money, whose pocket is it coming out. >> i'm scared of the list, the christmas list, that's on thanksgiving. the kids come, they know i'm on tv, i'm scared. they think i'm making more than i have. >> i find if i eat two cans of baked beans for thanksgiving breakfast, people don't stay around me for thanksgiving dinner. that's the only time i get a table all to myself. >> i think i'm that obnoxious dude. >> larry: really? yeah, because i'm saying happy beginning of the indians day. >> larry: oh! i'm sorry. am i lying? >> larry: you tier buzz kill. i am! >> larry: are you into the black friday? they're starting black friday earlier, like on thanksgiving. do you have a problem with that? >> i do have a problem.
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my family's from oakland so i fly every year to the bay area to see my family, but because of black friday you have a lot of family members who are shopping, so you don't really get to see the family members. >> larry: they want some discounts. >> i was one to have the people, remember black friday after ferguson and what happened to michael brown? i was one of those people. i don't really give a damn about black friday. >> i don't either (applause) >> too much consumption in the world now. i would rather the stores be closed. then silver saturday, you get the discount. >> right. i don't do any of it. i shop in the hood. i prefer crackhead prices. everything is $5 for crackhead. you can see a crackhead with a boat. you're, like, how much is the boat? $5. i'm a crackhead. that's the price.
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>> blackout friday. right. (laughter) >> larry, every friday is black friday for me, because i'm black, larry. (applause) (laughter) >> i didn't notice. >> larry: we'll be back to continue this discussion. (cheers and applause) other wireless carriers make families share data. some way to say happy holidays. switch to t-mobile now and get 4 lines with up to 6gb each, and no sharing. just $30 bucks a line. that's 6gb each plus unlimited streaming with binge on. stream netflix, hbo now, hulu, and many more without using data. get 6gb each just $30 bucks a line, plus free video streaming. ditch your data worries with t-mobile.
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hgoogle voice response:t inachim sigsa. how long does milk last? google voice; one week after the sell-by date. how much vitamin c is... is in an orange? set timer for twelve minutes. google voice: ok, twelve minutes. where can we find donuts around here? coffee? what about crepes? how about a bagel? what is the most important meal of the day? google voice: breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
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fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel, and it's time for the segment we like to call keep it 100. mm-hmm. for all you people who don't know what that expression means, it means keep it 100 percent real. all right.
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everybody gets the same question. thanksgiving theme. we'll start with you. >> me? >> larry: you. okay. >> larry: got to keep it 100. if you don't, you get weak tea which might go well with your patti labelle pie. an army of turkey zombies invade your house for thanksgiving, and they will leave, but you have to pick someone to sacrifice. >> oh, wow... >> larry: now this is an actual question. we don't know who this person is but you have to name somebody from your family. >> ooh, (bleep)! >> larry: who you give up to sacrifice. and everybody else gets a beautiful thanksgiving. somebody's gotta go, sway. >> wow! >> larry: got to keep it 100, right? (cheers and applause) >> there is no alternative to keeping it 100? >> the alternative is some weak tea!
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>> wow... man... you know, the family takes this stuff personally, bro. you know, i say it, man, they... >> larry: they do. seems like you're struggling. (laughter) >> i'm from oakland. give me the tea, man. oh, yi, yi. what's the question again? >? everybody knows who i'm going to pick anyway, my brother. i don't like him. >> larry: holly, one person, who'r,who you're going to sacri? >> uncle alan, i'm sorry, you have to go. >> larry: you hate your uncle alan? >> i don't hate him. let me be clear, i do not hate him, but if we're going to sacrifice someone -- >> larry: how old is he?
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oh, he's like 78, 80. he's had a nice, long life. >> that's a cop out. and i probably won't see him for another year or so, so i can probably get away with it. >> just a little bit! smidgen? >> larry: because you're not going to see him that much. >> i've got an answer now. >> larry: okay, go. mike, you gave me some insight. i'll say my brother, terry calloway. he's my older brother. i said it only so i could mention his name on your show! (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> larry: we'll be right back! >> larry: we'll be right back! (cheers and applause)
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i'vewhoa whoa whoa. all day for this. i've been waiting since 8 to watch this. i got to the couch first. i was living here before you. i was born before you. boom. i was on the planet before you. scoot! i was born before both of you. oh. smosh. and epic rap battles! together. ♪ i had my dad i'd eat a piece of bark if you'd put sabra hummus on it. really! sabra hummus. made with simple, fresh ingredients that bring people together.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our guests mike yard, holly walker and sway calloway. stay tuned for "@midnight" with chris hardwick. goodnightly, everyone!
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(cheers and applause) ♪ krrs it's 11:59, and 59 second, this happened on mashable, buying a smartphone is such a hassle, you have to buy everything separately, a charger, an extra bat rear and the dildo attachment anded car charger. the car charger should come with it. a company called ii vieb solved a problem with a cell phone case that turns your iphone into an i-brator. yup. there it is. i guess an airplane mode it's just a butt plug. (laughter) i don't know what else you're supposed to do with

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