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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  December 2, 2015 9:56am-10:29am PST

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( cheers and applause ) expwhr all right. that's our show. i want to thank our panelists: ricky velez, holly walker, and pete wentz. stay tuned for "@midnight" with chris hardwick. goodnightly, everyone! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with there trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah. we've got a great show for you
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tonight. our guest from the spike lee movie chi-raq and host nick canon is here, everybody! (cheers and applause) but first we start tonight in paris. >> president obama and 150 world leaders converge on paris, a city on lockdown with one mission to save the planet. >> trevor: that's right, the planet is dying. and now obama has to clean up everything. he has to clean up the job that captain planet and planeteers left behind. you remember these guys, right? >> earth, wind, fire and water! i applicant am captain planet! >> trevor: i still can't believe we put the safety of the earth in the hands of a blue guy with red underwear. of all of the powers, really, a heart ring? what are you going to do with the heart?
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theout rest of the rings control earth, wind, fire and water. no one would choose the heart ring. what, did you show up late to the movie where they gave out the rings? they just let you join as a make a wish thing? too bad the animals will say, i wish i could talk to the guy with the fire ring, he's cool. your parents don't tell anyone what you do. is that your son with the heart ring, no, no, our son is in prison for murder. i'm sorry. i don't know why i got so angry about. this since captain planet isn't there to save the day, it's up to the rest of the world. >> world leaders gathered for the u.n. conference called cop p 21. >> it's to help stall global warming. >> trevor: yes, the conference is set to address climate change. there is still controversy over
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what's causing climate change. the most recent theory is sea levels is rising due to tears from everyone listening to the new adele album. (laughter) last weekend in paris people were protesting not enough was done to combat climate change. >> 120,000 security forces stationed across the country. riot police have been deployed in unprecedented numbers. >> trevor: yeah, that is horrible. the french police were spraying the protesters with pepper spray, which i know looks rough, but in paris they use freshly-ground pepper spray. you see, it takes a little longer to subdue the crowd but it's well worth it in the end. cops are just there like, get back! get back! what did i say? what did i say? say when, monsieur! say when! when!
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magnifique! (laughter) what happened after the paris attacks, public assem by was banned which led to a different protest. >> environmentalists silently protested the ban on their march leaving their shoes in the square they had hoped to walk through. >> people donated pairs of shoes from their own closet. the pope sent shoes, the secretary general of the united nations sent shoes. >> as with so much in this still-mourning city, life marches on. >> trevor: flip-flops? who's leaving flip-flops? you have to pope's shoes ten feet away and you're leaving flip flu flip-flops? you're trying to grab the attention of the people in the world. not like, all right, the environment is broken like this ikea dresser i don't want anymore so i'm going to leave it here for the protest. (laughter) underneath is the basic issue. our planet is getting hotter. desi lydic has more.
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>> decembery: thank-- si: thank you, trevor, we're all going to die unless leaders can agree to massive across-the-board carbon cuts wisheddent be too hard. the debate over the severity of global climate change is decades old. some say time is running out. >> running out... a time of extraordinary urgency. >> it is happen hearing and now. others are really stupid. i ask the chair, you know what this is? it's a snowball, and that's just from outside here. so it's very, very cold out. >> desi: ridiculously, earth-shatteringly stupid. today, a large majority -- damn it! >> paris' summit is called earth's last shot. leaders in carbon emitters like the u.s., europe, china, russia,
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and all the less developed countries those have (bleep)ed over. the agreement to prevent nellie's apocalyptic vision. (singing) but how did we get in here? since 1880, human activity has warmed the earth's surface .85 degrees celsius with some already troubling effects. but more recently, humans have become far more efficient as making it hotter faster, without even looking back. in fact, in just a few decades, the earth's surface could be a full two degrees warmer than when we started messing with it and according to most scientists, two is a bigger number than .85. like you needed another reason to hate math. >> math! desi: many of the same scientists say 2 degrees is the furthest we can push this planet before it turns on us, much like a young sorority pledge you keep hazing and hazing until finally she has no choice but to report you to the national chapter and,
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sure you may tell people about the one time she got drunk and pooped the bed, but you will be sorry because she's on tv now, kathy! >> kathy... desi: the point is, an earth more than 2 degrees hotter would bring increased floods, earthquakes, drought, food shortages, sad bear videos and idios more morons standing in hurricanes, all of this why officials hope cop 21 will prove more than successful. like 2009 copen haig ban summit which broke down because some countries were being such bitches. but this time could be different with each country setting curbs on carbon emissions or facing consequences. serious consequences.
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including sight eye, losing twitter followers and looking like a dick. yeah, there are really no consequences. the cop 2 is talks began yesterday and if things go well, it could make the earth livable for future generations, but if they don't, we could end up losing florida. and i know you're a crazy (bleep) show, florida, but you are a crazy (bleep) show. trevor? >> so you (bleep) the bed in college, desi, is that what you're saying? >> is that what you got from my whole report? damn you, kathy! thank you, desi! desi liedic, everyone!
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come with your choice of soup or salad and a side of homestyle fries. order from over 15 different lunch combos for just 6, 7, or 8 bucks. ♪ got to get up if you want to get down ♪ (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." are you looking for the perfect gift for the holidays? if so, i can't help you. but how about that less than perfect gift? exex might have justjessyejessie
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thing. >> science has progressed by leaps and bounds. we live in a world where robots and smartphones and cronuts exist. the ultimate invention is finally here. >> a real working hover board. the new lover board. hover board. my childhood fantasy is coming true as i meet with john whose company actually invented a real-life hover board called the iohawk. >> here it is. what the hell is that? an iohawk. i'm sorry. is this supposed to be a cover board because this has two wheels. >> yeah, that's what we've got. this is a segue without a stick. this is (bleep). but don't worry. i met with the inventer. so i know you have a hover board because your product actually
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has the word hover in it. let's see it. >> this is the hover tracks. you stand on here, the full platform. >> it does have the word "hover" in there so are there secret jets that propel you forward and up or is it just staying on the (bleep) ground? >> staying on the ground. it's not really hover but it's a cool name. >> do you also call cars street planes? >> you could, for a cool name. turns out, there are all kinds of non-hovering hover boards and, unbelievably, thousands of douche bags are buying them. >> from kendall jenner to lil' wayne. >> justin bieber. >> trevor: there are lawsuits of who came up with the non-hover board idea first. >> years ago i gave them the
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warning and showed them the pattern. >> i've had that idea since i was a kid. >> i came up with that idea when i was a kid. >> yeah, like all the other kids that saw back to the future. we all wanted to have a hover board of our own. >> so you saw the hover board and you were, like, that's exactly what i'm not going to make. >> make? >> no. kind of? no. and then it just gets stupid. first of all, i didn't steal anything, and shane's being sued by segue. >> what? were you never going to tell me about this segue lawsuit? >> well, i was going to tell you you. you. >> this is a massive, gross, disgusting gangbang of hoverboard lawsuits and none actually hover. what the (bleep) is going on? everyone is suing everyone over a stupid board with wheels! i just want to live in a world where i can ride a freakin' real
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hover board! there is only one dr. genius inventer who can help me. dock, listen, we have to go back in time. with your time machine and 1.1 jigo watts, we can find whoever created the hoverboards and make them leslie less douchey and ho. >> there is no time machine. it's just a movie. >> what! i don't know what a jigo watt is! >> great scot! what did you say? nothing. but then the doc gave me an idea. >> why not go to the future where hoverboard might actually exist? >> you're right! thanks, doc! >> i'm not doc! my name is christopher! ah, (bleep)! >> if i can't change the past, i can at least help change the future. all right, listen up, i am here
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for your future! i need for you to come up with an invention or an idea. you have to patent your ideas because, in the future, there will be douche bag companies that will try and take your idea and claim that they got it first. >> what's a douche bag? your teacher will explain to you later. let's get drawing. what do you have? >> potato tree. a potato tree? great, patent that. >> magic genie creating a garbage land. >> i already thought of that. let's think of a new one. i know... it's a hoverboard. >> yeah, but it's not even -- and it's up to you to make this happen! you're all beautiful geniuses! thank you, kids! >> but it doesn't -- i know! make it happen! i'll come back for you in the future! i know a true hoverboard will one day exist. until then -- (disco music) >> -- keep it under 6 miles per
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hour! >> do you want to drive? no, it's cool. (music) >> trevor: thank you, jessica, well be right back! i'm lucky to get through a shift without a disaster. my bargain detergent couldn't keep up. so i switched to tide pods. they're super concentrated so i get a better clean. 15% cleaning ingredients or 90%. don't pay for water, pay for clean. that's my tide. we'raxe daily fragrances.his, but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird. the first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. only wendy's makes a deal, feel like a meal! introducing our new four for four! four bucks for a junior bacon cheeseburger, nuggets, fries and a drink. you're still sitting there? that's fresh, never frozen, beef, sizzling bacon and so much more. get four for four, now at wendy's.
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back! my guest tonight is the host of america's got talent and is starring in spike lee's new film chi-raq. >> you so damn smart you know you're tweakin', right? you're playing games with this panty stripe. this will be tight when you lose that dude. >> i don't know who you're trying to change, i'm trudging through and through. even bigger than you. >> all you care about is this tired gangster gang. it's lame you think you die with fame? negro, two days later, no one will even remember your name! >> trevor: please welcome nick canon! (cheers and applause)
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>> trevor: oh, thank you so much for coming! >> thank you for having me! >> trevor: i feel like every time i see you, someone is doing something amazing and then people are crying afterwards. >> that's just a day in my life. >> trevor: every time i see you, something crazy is happening and you cry. do you cry on that show? >> i do cry. i shed a tear every once in a while. >> trevor: is it real tears or tv cry like somebody's paying me to cry? >> i can't give you all the secrets, man! (laughter) no, honestly, because they're true american stories and when you see an everyday american strive for their dreams, it's touching, man. it's emotional. some of them are crazy, too. you mix emotion with crazy and sometimes it's tears of craziness. but it works out because i think everyone loves a family show. >> trevor: it's a huge show. we watch it in south africa as well. if you were to go on one of those shows, what would your
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talent be? >> oh, that's a tough one. >> trevor: tough because you don't have talent or multiple tall minutes. >> i don't know what i would choose. >> trevor: you've done everything. you've rapped, right? >> right. >> trevor: you're a rapper. right. >> trevor: you are an actor. yes. >> trevor: you are a film director. >> yes. >> trevor: a mogul in movies and tv -- >> i'm a mogul on the show. i'm trying to picture that mogulling would be. i'm nick cannon and i'm here to mogul. (laughter) >> trevor: you were on nickelodeon and nick cannon was basically everything. >> i was running it. to this day, i am the chairman of team nick. since 2008 i have been getting my chairman on. we don't know what that word means either? >> do you go to board meetings? yeah. >> trevor: i can't picture you with that face. >> what do you mean? >> trevor: i can't picture you
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saying anything in a board meeting. >> thank you, trevor. now i'll get fired. (laughter) >> trevor: where i can't see you is acting in more films. chi-raq is a very strange movie. it's directed and created by spike lee. a fascinating film about, i guess, the violence in chicago and the women in chicago decide to go on a sex strike. >> yes. >> trevor: and they say, we will give no man sex until there is peace. >> yes. >> trevor: and you are one of those men that gets no sex. >> aim one of those men. >> trevor: yes. and you get really angry about this. (laughter) >> i love your synopsis of the film, trevor! >> trevor: i'm just trying to lay this out because it's a very strange movie. did you method act for this thing? >> did i abstain from sex? >> trevor: yes. i did, i did! i'm still going strong, too! ladies, hit me after the show. >> trevor: you looked like you got into it, though! for real, though, this was
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honestly, you were really amazing. it's a strange movie to watch, i told this to spike lee, it's a beautiful film and so many messages but you were fantastic in this film. >> wow, that means a lot coming from you. >> trevor: it was! and you jacked up as well, right? >> what? >> trevor: you were jacked up as well. >> i thought you said jacked off. >> trevor: no! we'll never know but -- (laughter) you got really in shape, you got abs in the move. >> everybody said, you got really buff for the movie. it was timing. i was just doing what i was supposed to do. >> trevor: oh, you were just buff. >> yeah. >> trevor: i'm sorry, let me just grab that -- i was just buff, that's all that was. the movie just happened at the same time. >> no, most people see me in a suit. you probably got some abs and stuff up under there, too! >> trevor: no, i don't. but thank you for that, i appreciate it. >> yeah, but people don't
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normally see me with my shirt off and the tattoos so it was a little different. >> trevor: you also wrote the lyrics for the opening of the chi-raq song. >> pray for my city, been getting a lot of attention. >> trevor: there is a line about black on black crime, black people killing each other. >> you know what it is, man? i honestly say that for the song and for even the film itself. i think everybody needs to understand the respect for humanity and to focus in on humanity and that a life is a life. you know what i mean? no one's life should be lost or taken away. so honestly i really believe whether it's the lyrics in the song and these lyrics actually came from people from the community. i mean, we all got together and they were crying out and i always say hurt people hurt people. when you say that, it's a painful situation. it's not a coincidence that, you know, the most violent places in america are the most disenfranchised and people with the least opportunity.
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so, you know, whether we do it the way that people want to see us do it, we're crying out and things need to change and that's what it's all about. >> trevor: that's a beautiful message. (applause) beautiful message, comes through in the song. where to from here? where do you go from this film? >> oh, man! lots of sex! >> trevor: the sex strike is over. do you think that could work by the way. >> it has worked. a woman got the nobel peace prize. >> trevor: people say that but it was part of it. >> part of it, right. >> trevor: yeah. here was more but she abstained as well. >> trevor: let me ask you, if you nick cannon were to be deprived of sex to change something would that work? >> it definitely would. >> trevor: you didn't hesitate. >> if somebody just cut off the m-m-m, yeah! >> trevor: what was that, the
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vagina? >> yeah. >> trevor: you can say vagina. i'm the chairman of nickelodeon, i can't say vagina! >> trevor: that is how you stay the chairman, man! (applause) chi-raq in theaters friday nationwide. nick cannon, everybody! nick cannon, everybody! thank you very we're all familiar with this, nick cannon, everybody! thank you very axe daily fragrances. but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird. the first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. again for the 15th year in a us in customrow.atisfaction but we have a plan. (exec 2) when our customers are on hold, let's up their satisfaction with some new hold music. ♪ (exec 2) that's glenn from the mailroom. he djs on the weekends. (exec 3) sorry, who is it? (exec 2) it's glenn, from the mailroom. he dj'ed bill's wedding. (exec 3) he what? (exec 2) he goes by dj glenn, he works way downstairs. (exec 3) what'd he say? (exec 2) glenn, from the mailroom!
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i'm mitt romney, and i approved this message. ( applause ) hello. hello, i'm mitt romney. you've just caught me in my den, where i'm relaxing and not appearing ill at ease. say, did everyone see that super bowl last sunday? wasn't that a humdinger? as a regular person who's just like you in every way, i enjoyed it a great deal. and i thought the players from the respective football teams each gave it their all. it's a shame my beloved patriots had to lose, though-- unless you were rooting for the giants, in which case, i didn't just say that. anyway, tonight i'd like to take a few minutes to talk about my presidential campaign and let you know how we're doing as we proceed to our inevitable nomination. this past tuesday, we had three primary elections


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